I fell asleep watching the dawn break in the morning. When I woke to the alarm sound, it was 11 AM. If it hadn’t been for the alarm I set just in case, I would have almost missed the lunch appointment.
My head hurt as if it would split, perhaps because of the unresolved fatigue. Bloodshot red eyes and a dull complexion. My appearance in the mirror was terrible.
I couldn’t sleep thinking about Kang Sehyun, and until the last moment of falling asleep, I thought about Kang Sehyun.
Why hasn’t he contacted me? Could he have forgotten me?
But the conclusion was—there’s no way Kang Sehyun would do that.
There’s no way Kang Sehyun would forget me even for a moment.
Once I had that thought, I could see how much love Kang Sehyun had shown me all this time. I had faith and certainty to the point where I could be this confident.
Not being able to sleep was simply because I was worried, separate from that. What could be going on? Could something bad have happened? As I thought of countless possibilities, I became scared and couldn’t sleep.
In the late early morning hours, should I call or not—I thought about it dozens, hundreds of times, and in the end thought, nothing will be wrong. There must be unavoidable circumstances. Believing that, I tried to sleep. I fell asleep less than a minute after closing my eyes, not knowing how I’d held out until that time.
I didn’t check my phone except when turning off the alarm. I briefly forgot about the person with no news, then checked after finishing all my preparations.
Kang Sehyun: [Contact me when you wake up.]
It was a message that arrived at 7:23 AM.
I called while leaving the house. I deliberately went down the stairs, worried the signal might cut off if I took the elevator. There was nothing to be breathless about, but my heart beat fast with tension for no reason. I wanted to at least hear his voice. It was something I’d been thinking about all along.
But I couldn’t hear the voice I’d hoped for. After the ringtone went on for a while, I heard a stranger’s voice asking me to leave a message.
I felt regretful.
Ah… I should have gone to sleep just 5 minutes later.
***
“Why can’t Sehyun come?”
Normally, the answer would have come right away without needing to think, but today I couldn’t answer easily. Because I didn’t know either.
Kang Sehyun, who had asked me to contact him when I woke up, continued not answering calls after that, and no messages came. When I first saw the text, I felt relieved that nothing had happened and was even glad, but when I couldn’t reach him, now I was a bit annoyed.
If it was going to be like this, at least give a detailed explanation. I was even more angry at the short text that just said to contact him when I woke up without any explanation.
“I don’t really know the details either, but he said his noona was coming yesterday. I guess she came on a business trip a few days ago.”
“Hmm, really?”
I thought everyone would be surprised, but the reaction was more lukewarm than I expected.
“Well then…”
“He must be busy. Sehyun doesn’t stay in touch well when family comes anyway.”
“…He didn’t?”
“Yeah. You didn’t know?”
Of course I didn’t know. Because it had never happened before.
“Sungha might not know. You only got to know him after coming to college.”
“Ah. Right.”
“They hardly come now, but until high school, his family came often. Well, back then, someone called a manager used to come and go from the officetel all the time too.”
What’s that? I thought, could that still be the case now, but then changed my mind thinking if it were, we would have been caught long ago. In reality, there were no traces of anyone coming and going on weekdays or weekends. Kang Sehyun hated letting anyone into his house enough to even do the cleaning of that huge place himself.
“Wow. It reminds me of Kang Sehyun from before.”
Today’s topic was Kang Sehyun, who wasn’t here. I had wanted to keep asking anyway, but I threw out the question I hadn’t been able to bring up because the person in question was always there or the timing wasn’t right.
“By any chance, is his family strict?”
“Yeah. Incredibly strict. Did he never tell you?”
“No. He didn’t say anything first, so I didn’t ask. He seemed to really not like it…”
“Right. He doesn’t like it. No, he probably hates it tremendously. Actually, we found out by accident too. There was once when he was with us and couldn’t be reached and it was chaos. Otherwise, Kang Sehyun would never have said anything first.”
After that, even without asking, the hyungs told me first.
“You know Sehyun’s family is really rich, right?”
When Kihyun hyung asked that, Junsung hyung got angry asking why he was asking something obvious.
“I know roughly. That they’ve been doing big business since his grandfather’s time.”
“Maybe because of that, he seems to have been controlled a lot growing up. He begged to study abroad because he wanted to get out of the house. He said he was the freest among his siblings, but honestly, I was shocked at first. I told you. There was that chaos. We couldn’t answer for about 30 minutes because we were watching a movie, and that manager person glared at us like he’d kill us even though it was his first time seeing us.”
“Wow. I remember. He spoke super politely to us too, but that was even more chilling.”
The hyungs, without exception, talked about that time. It was a story I knew nothing about.
“Then one day, the manager disappeared. Probably from when Sehyun turned of age in Korean age.”
“That’s probably right. It was when Sehyun was in his last semester of high school.”
Then it was just a few months before we first met.
“Anyway, even before, when any family member came, we couldn’t reach him for several days. It’s probably the same now.”
“You must have noticed too, but apparently Sehyun’s company is a conglomerate with a recognizable name, but beyond that, Sehyun won’t tell us either. We’ve speculated many times among ourselves.”
“I’m casting my vote for tourism.”
“I say construction. But I hope it’s food. Like dumplings, ramen, stuff like that.”
“You guys stop talking nonsense.”
Even while the hyungs were joking around and playing, I couldn’t laugh. Because I felt sorry for young Kang Sehyun in the past.
We had a conversation like that once.
‘Why did you come to America?’
‘…Because my mom told me to? Isn’t it all the same, isn’t it for you?’
‘I said I’d go.’
It would have been good if our positions had mixed just a little.
While I, who was lonely from lack of attention, craved affection, young Kang Sehyun, who couldn’t raise his own voice due to excessive interference, must have wanted to throw away excessive affection. For me, studying abroad was hell, and for Kang Sehyun, it was the only escape. In the end, neither neglect nor meddling—neither side was right.
I was so lonely, were you very lonely too?
The phone I glanced at again was still quiet.
“Sungha, if you didn’t even know this until now, you obviously don’t know Sehyun’s company?”
“I don’t know, not at all.”
“Wow, I thought you two were so close that you had no secrets.”
“Right. I thought you’d know. I thought if you asked him to tell you, Sehyun would tell you everything.”
“Well…, I’ve never asked.”
“Whoa. Really?”
When we were friends with Kang Sehyun, and even now that we’re lovers, our relationship is unchangingly perfect. Without trivial quarrels or hurt feelings, we understand each other, like each other, and care for each other.
But the awkwardness felt very occasionally was always when conversations like this came up. The reason we, who knew everything to the point where others would think it strange, hadn’t revealed facts like this until now wasn’t because we were reading each other’s mood and couldn’t bring it up first.
It absolutely wasn’t childishly maintaining pride over the order of confession, thinking if the other person spoke first, then I’d speak next.
I just didn’t want to talk about it.
I was like that, and Kang Sehyun was too.
I don’t want to talk about it, so I don’t ask either. If I don’t ask, there’s no need to talk about it. And I wanted the other person to be the same. If the other person doesn’t speak first, then I don’t need to speak either.
While we were talking, a staff member came in pushing a cart. A full table of appetizing food was set, and as always, we ate while talking ceaselessly.
Even after everyone finished their portions, a lot of food remained. It was because we ordered as much as we always did in the absence of Kang Sehyun, who ate quite a lot. While digesting our full stomachs, I asked them to pack the remaining food.
“I thought we’d be able to see everyone after a long time, but it’s disappointing.”
Jungwoo hyung, who had been traveling in Europe for work for a while, hadn’t attended gatherings for a full four months. The reason Kihyun hyung deliberately suggested meeting today even knowing we were in exam period was for Jungwoo hyung.
“It would have been nice to see Sehyun too.”
That’s right.
We woke up in the same bed just yesterday morning. Only one day had passed, but it already felt like I hadn’t seen him for months.
I miss him.
I miss him like crazy.
Until a little while ago, I thought I wanted to at least hear his voice, but now even that thought disappeared. If I heard his voice anyway, I’d obviously miss him more.
In the meantime, I forgot about being annoyed too.
I don’t know if everyone’s romance is like this.
When I first couldn’t reach him, I was a bit puzzled, then worried, and finally angry. Even knowing there must be circumstances, I resented him for not being able to respond to my call.
But I miss him. Even while other emotions jumped around tormenting my mind, there wasn’t a time I didn’t miss him.
In the end, I lied to the hyungs.
‘Sungha, what about you? Don’t you have to prepare for exams?’
‘Yes. I’ll head back first.’
‘Okay. Work hard.’
I couldn’t even face Jungwoo hyung, who even patted my back telling me to do my best.
What exam preparation?
I turned the steering wheel in the completely opposite direction from the way home. The place I headed to was Kang Sehyun’s officetel.
After deliberation, I came to the simple conclusion that if I miss him, I should go see him. Last night too, I only worried hundreds of times without contacting him right away in case it would be a nuisance, but today I didn’t want to do such a foolish thing.
I could go and try contacting him, and if he didn’t answer, I could just wait in the car. Even after that, if no contact came until the end, I could just go home.
[Have you arrived?]
[Hello. I’ll just park myself today.]
[Will you? It’s generally open now, so you can park anywhere.]
[Thanks.]
I declined valet and went to the parking lot myself. As Michael said, here and there inside the parking lot, empty spaces were visible. I parked in the spot closest to the elevator and took out my phone.
I was about to press Kang Sehyun’s number saved at the very top of my favorites when I laughed. The number originally saved at the top was Sora’s, and I remembered Kang Sehyun’s sullen expression when he found out. In Kang Sehyun’s favorites list, there was only my number.
“Just meet her?”
It was right before pressing the call button. I hesitated for a moment at the Korean suddenly heard through the car window. I heard that besides Kang Sehyun, no Korean people lived in this officetel—did someone move in?
Just as I was thinking that, I heard a voice all too familiar to my ears.
“I don’t want to.”
It was Kang Sehyun’s voice that I’d so wanted to hear.
