It was Friday when I couldn’t skip work. Originally, instead of going to Korea during this winter break, I was supposed to work, and in exchange, my schedule would be cleared from this week until exams ended, but because they were short-handed, the manager asked me to please come in just for today.
Seo Gihyun: [Chinese restaurant call tomorrow?]
Im Jungwoo: [Aren’t Sehyun and Sungha in finals?]
Seo Gihyun: [We just need to eat lunch for a bit]
Seo Gihyun: [It’s been a while since we’ve seen them]
Jang Gijae: [What time]
Seo Gihyun: [I’ll ask the kids about that]
Since tomorrow was the weekend anyway, I was planning to go to Kang Sehyun’s officetel after finishing, but the place where the hyungs and I were meeting for lunch tomorrow was near my house. So instead of me going, Kang Sehyun decided to come to the apartment. Since the last time he came was two weeks ago, it had been quite a while since we’d seen each other at the apartment.
Me: [I’ll get takeout after I finish today]
Me: [Is there anything you want to eat?]
I sent the message on the way to the parking lot after the last lecture ended. The reply I thought would come right away didn’t come for a long time, and when I was about halfway there, a call came.
– I don’t think I can go today.
I heard unexpected words.
“Is something wrong?”
– My noona is suddenly coming.
“This suddenly?”
– Yeah. She said a 6 o’clock flight.
For a moment, I thought it was a bit strange. If she was departing from Korea, it would take at least half a day to get to Chicago, so even if she left right now, it would be tomorrow morning. If that were the case, it would be better to go from my house, which was closer to the airport, so there was no reason he couldn’t come.
“Is she departing from Incheon?”
– No. From New York. She came on a business trip three days ago for work.
Kang Sehyun was particularly sparing with words about family matters. Except for when his older noona visited the restaurant once before, I’d never seen his family or heard stories about his family until now. Even so, it seemed like he could have at least told me that someone in his family was in America. A peculiar emotion welled up. It was disappointment.
“Is it that noona from back then?”
– No. This time it’s my younger noona.
“What will you do about dinner?”
– I have to look for a place starting now.
“Should I make a reservation at our restaurant for you?”
The answer I thought would come right away didn’t come. Kang Sehyun paused for a moment.
– No. I’m just going to eat nearby. I’ll find a place myself.
I felt it again. That emotion from earlier. I kept feeling disappointed over trivial things.
Kang Sehyun asked me to fix my habit of trying to let things pass nicely, but that absolutely wasn’t something that could be fixed overnight. It would be good to ask for more details at times like this, but this time too, I chose to pretend nothing was wrong and let it pass instead of pressing him.
“When will she leave after coming?”
– She’ll probably leave right away tomorrow. She’s busy so she can’t stay long anyway.
“Will tomorrow’s appointment be okay?”
– I think she’ll leave in the morning so it should be fine. I’ll contact you before then.
Kang Sehyun ended the call saying he’d contact me later. It was a conversation no different from usual, but I felt a bit strange.
What was that hesitation from a moment ago about?
I stared blankly at the disconnected phone screen and had a stupid thought. That maybe he was hiding something from me.
It was truly a stupid thought.
As if that Kang Sehyun would.
***
There was no contact from Kang Sehyun after that call.
In the meantime, I went to work, and after changing into my uniform, I had no chance to look at my phone.
“Ah shit, I’m just going to quit.”
A commotion broke out in the hall. In a fight common among employees, the employee in charge of the Japanese-style hall yelled at the manager who was trying to stop them and left. It was fine on other days, but it was troublesome if this happened on Friday.
Due to the sudden absence of personnel, one server from the teppanyaki side was assigned to handle the Japanese-style hall as personnel to fill the shortage. Therefore, this time the teppanyaki hall was short on personnel, and naturally there was no additional personnel to fill that. Among the current personnel, the only person who could take on more tables was me, who had worked the longest.
“Sungha, could you do it?”
Kang Sehyun said I was particularly weak only to Gihyun hyung, but that was probably wrong. It wasn’t just Gihyun hyung. Today too, I couldn’t refuse the boss’s request.
When I came out after finishing, I was exhausted.
Dragging my heavy body, I got in the car and checked my phone for the first time in hours. There was no contact from Kang Sehyun who said he’d contact me, and there were three missed calls from someone else.
「Mom」
What’s going on? I was surprised because she rarely left missed calls like this normally, so I immediately pressed the call button.
After quite a while, after several rings, the call finally connected.
– Sungha.
Mom’s voice answering the phone had less energy than usual.
“You called a lot. What’s wrong?”
– Do I have to have something wrong to call to hear my son’s voice? I just called.
There’s no way she called this many times for just that reason.
I kept having that suspicion, but until the end, Mom didn’t say anything particular. She asked how I was doing as usual, told me one or two pieces of news about my stepfather, and talked about a gathering that happened two days ago.
– Is your allowance not running short? Tell me if you need more. Mom will send it to you separately.
“It’s fine.”
– Don’t say that. You’re not coming in this time so I can’t even make you delicious food.
Disappointment was all over her voice. When I said I wouldn’t go out to Korea during winter break this year following last year, there were two people who were disappointed—one was Mom, and the other was Kang Sehyun.
– You’re not coming in because of a particular reason, right?
“What reason? There’s nothing like that. I’m just busy with this and that before graduation.”
– Really?
“Really.”
– Everyone else says they’re all coming in… Even if you’re a senior, it’s all the same anyway. They say there’s nothing to do after exams and vacation start, so everyone’s coming in. But tell Mom honestly why our son isn’t coming in.
“Why would I have nothing to do? I have to study with lecture notes I got in advance from seniors for classes I’ll take next semester. And even though it’s vacation, winter break is short.”
Normally she would have just let it pass, but this time, for some reason, she didn’t seem to believe me no matter how many times I said it was true. I was already uncomfortable lying, but today I had to do it several times.
– Mom thought maybe you got a girlfriend or something.
“Absolutely not.”
– Really? In Mom’s eyes, our son is the most handsome in the world, so why is that? You take after your dad so you must be popular.
I was startled for a moment. Because it was the first time Mom had brought up a story about Dad since marrying my stepfather. Today, unexpected things really happened several times.
Words I wanted to say poured out in my head. They were all stories about Dad. But I pressed down and swallowed the words that seemed like they would all spill out of my mouth if touched.
– Sungha.
“Yeah?”
– After you graduate, you’ll come straight to Korea, right?
It was a more careful tone than ever. Even without saying it, she’d naturally believe that, so it was strange that she was asking this question even though she knew the answer.
“I have to go. Why are you suddenly asking?”
– Just because you’ve been out for such a long time, I’m worried you might say you don’t want to. Mom actually regrets it a bit. I shouldn’t have sent you back then.
“Thanks to that, I got to study abroad, which others envy. And I’ll come in right after graduation, so don’t worry.”
– Okay. That’s a relief.
“Mom. Is there really nothing wrong?”
When I asked if something happened with my stepfather, the answer came back that it absolutely wasn’t.
– I just miss our son so much today.
It was a strange day. I received a call from someone close, had a normal conversation, but somehow kept feeling a sense of incongruity.
It was like that with Kang Sehyun too, and with Mom too.
– Anyway, make sure to eat well. Mom has to go now because someone’s here to pick me up, so I’ll hang up. I’ll call again.
Even after the call ended, I sat in the car for a long time. But even after 10 minutes passed, even after 20 minutes passed, the uncomfortable feeling didn’t quite go away.
There are days like that.
Days that are exceptionally exhausting and exceptionally overwhelming.
The worst day when various things overlap at once and it’s hard to endure no matter how much you try.
But if there’s just one joy at the end of that long day, the worst day instantly changes into a day that’s still okay. And for me, that one joy was always Kang Sehyun waiting for me.
It was a day without that Kang Sehyun.
A day when I couldn’t see Kang Sehyun.
It happened to be today, and it happened that today I was in the worst state.
As soon as I arrived at the house with the lights off, I had that thought. It’s fortunate that Kang Sehyun couldn’t come today. Right now my condition and mood were too much of a mess, so it was rather fortunate that he couldn’t see me.
But contrary to that thought, my true feelings popped out.
“I miss you.”
I washed away my fatigue in warm water, came out, and took out a beer from the refrigerator. Since it was clear that even if I tried to study now, it wouldn’t go into my head anyway, I planned to drink beer and go to sleep early. I drank before the beer foam I poured into the glass disappeared. Beer after work had never failed me until now, but today it was particularly tasteless.
In fact, nothing was satisfying.
I tried not to contact him first in case it might be a disturbance, but in the end, I sent a text first.
Me: [Where are you?]
The reply never arrived in the end.
