It was Friday.
The last lecture ended incredibly early. It was originally an hour-and-a-half lecture, but the professor finished explaining in 5 minutes, telling us to prepare for the team presentation that would be in 3 weeks, and left. Most seemed to stay in the classroom to discuss or move to places like cafes, but our team, which consisted of three people including me, agreed to just go home today and meet another day.
[So when should we meet?]
[How about next Tuesday? It’s a day we all finish early.]
[I can’t that day. I have something to do after.]
[Hmm, then what about lunch time? Around twelve or one?]
[I don’t have class at that time so I’m fine. It’s good if Ian is okay with it.]
[I’m okay too. See you then.]
I came out of the lecture building and put a cigarette in my mouth. I’d been smoking it like a habit for years now, even though I kept saying I should quit, I should quit. That was because everyone around me was just smokers who repeated the same words but couldn’t quit, and even Jungwoo hyung, who was the only one who had succeeded in quitting smoking, had started smoking again starting from a while ago after a year.
While I was smoking against the building wall, one familiar face passed by. It was a professor from a lecture I’d taken for the first time in my first year. That problematic professor.
Come to think of it, it was this building.
It occurred to me belatedly that I’d met Kihyun hyung right at this spot. I had no idea that meeting would end up influencing my life to this extent. The reason I could say it influenced not just my college life but my life was because of Kang Sehyun, whom I’d gotten to know through that meeting.
To think I’m dating a man.
The problem I’d agonized over before meeting Kang Sehyun wasn’t particularly a problem after I started dating Kang Sehyun, so I’d forgotten about it. But now, the very fact that I was dating a man had become such a huge problem.
*’We’re going to do it, sex.’*
After that day, contrary to expectations, Kang Sehyun didn’t touch me even after several days passed. At first, I was anxious like someone holding a time bomb, but after a day or two passed, I reached a level of almost giving up. I couldn’t understand why he was acting like that at all.
Was he giving me time to prepare myself mentally? No, but he said he wouldn’t wait this time.
“Haah…”
Whenever that would be, still, the one who seemed to need more preparation was me.
[Huh? Ian.]
When someone called me, I turned my head and it was one of my team members.
[You haven’t left yet?]
[Ah, I should go. I was going to leave after smoking this.]
[Then see you on Tuesday. Have a good weekend.]
[You too.]
Since time was free, almost like class was cancelled, if I went straight home I could rest for an hour before going to work, but for some reason my feet wouldn’t move. A face that suddenly came to mind. I thought of someone who would have finished around now.
Even if I saw them now, I could only see them for about 30 minutes, but once I thought of that face, it wouldn’t leave my head. Eventually, I took out my phone.
Me: [Are you done?]
The reply arrived quickly.
Kang Sehyun: [Yeah]
I was typing a message asking if he was going straight home. But I saw a message that arrived midway and deleted it again.
Kang Sehyun: [Just finished and heading to team meeting]
Ah. That was today.
It was fortunate it was before I pressed the send button.
I crushed out the short remaining cigarette. I barely shook off the face that kept coming to mind and moved my steps again. As I passed through the campus I went in and out of every day, I looked around at the surroundings I always passed by indifferently. Familiar buildings. Familiar people. Familiar surroundings. Before I knew it, everything had become a familiar background.
It felt like the biggest presence was missing from that familiarity.
An emotion that came rushing belatedly.
It was longing.
***
I stood blankly for a long time in front of a stand full of hearts.
Would it be… a bit much to buy this?
The large supermarket I’d briefly stopped by on the way home was full of red from the entrance. Large balloons and bear dolls placed here and there. An entire display shelf was packed full of chocolates.
「Happy Valentine’s Day」
Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day.
In America, it’s not just for lovers but friends also exchange gifts, and though I’d exchanged them with Sora, I’d never exchanged something like this with Kang Sehyun until now.
But now that we were lovers, I was conflicted about whether I should or shouldn’t care about these trivial events.
After all, between guys, it’s kind of…
I picked up the most ordinary-looking one among the flashily wrapped chocolates, agonized over it for a while, then put it back down.
This doesn’t seem right after all.
Thinking that, I boldly turned my steps away.
After that, I shopped normally. I bought two batteries to put in the wall clock and cleaning detergent for the bathroom, and picked out a few snacks and drinks in the food section.
Ice cream that Kang Sehyun enjoys eating. Beer to drink together with Kang Sehyun. Snacks that Kang Sehyun would like. The cart I checked later was all about Kang Sehyun.
When we came together it was one thing, but I’m alone, so why.
Come to think of it, recently when I’d gone shopping several times, I’d never put anything in myself. Until now, the person who had been putting in things I liked was Kang Sehyun.
So he’d been matching himself to me to this extent.
The moment I realized something I hadn’t known always felt strange.
I was happy yet angry, grateful yet somehow wanted to cry.
In the end, I couldn’t buy a single thing I liked.
Contact came from Kang Sehyun belatedly.
– There was no reply to my message.
“When did you send it?”
– It’s been a while since I sent it.
I told him to wait a moment and checked the messages—it was 30 minutes ago.
“Ah. You sent it when I was at the mart. I must not have seen it.”
– Why the mart all of a sudden. Weren’t you in class?
“It ended early today so I went shopping and just arrived at the apartment.”
– Already? When did it end.
His voice sounded quite surprised. When I explained the situation, this time a disgruntled voice came.
“What. Then it ended around the time I sent you a message earlier.”
“Yeah.”
– You should have told me.
“What would you do if I told you?”
– Meet you.
“You said you had a meeting.”
– I don’t have to go once or so.
Liar.
Even though I obviously knew it was a lie, a smile formed automatically. That he didn’t have to go was a lie, but I knew that if it were Kang Sehyun, he’d come to see me even though he had to go.
“But aren’t you in the middle of the meeting now? It can’t have ended already.”
– I came out for a moment to call.
“Then go back. You confirmed there’s nothing wrong.”
– I don’t want to.
Since Kang Sehyun started dating me, his saying he didn’t want to had noticeably increased. Even when I told him not to come home because I was sick, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hear about being indebted either. He didn’t want to just let things pass nicely either. And,
*’I think it would be okay to just know them casually.’*
*’I don’t want to.’*
He didn’t want to date anyone other than me either.
*’There’s only Sungha like that. Everyone else, I don’t want.’*
Come to think of it, the reason I could be happy without anxiety while dating Kang Sehyun was because of Kang Sehyun’s sincerity contained in his words of not wanting to.
I like Kang Sehyun’s words of not wanting to.
– I’ll stay a bit more and then go in.
“There’s nothing particular to say though.”
– Still, say anything. Because I want to hear your voice.
I wanted to ask Kang Sehyun.
How can you be so honest every time?
For reasons like it being awkward or unfamiliar, I’d rarely conveyed my sincerity to him.
“Kang Sehyun.”
– Yeah.
“……”
– Why aren’t you saying anything after calling me.
I happened to have something I wanted to say.
But it took a bit of time to bring up those words. Those words that filled my head just spun around inside and didn’t easily come out of my mouth.
It was nothing much, but I mustered courage. Even if conveying sincerity made me hesitate before doing it, it was always better than I thought after doing it.
“I just, miss you.”
Those words that I felt I’d regret if I didn’t say them now were very ordinary, very simple, and very common words.
And Kang Sehyun didn’t say anything for a long time.
***
12:30 AM. I left for Kang Sehyun’s officetel later than usual. When I arrived, it was naturally past 1 o’clock.
I parked and took the elevator.
1st floor, 2nd floor, 3rd floor… As the numbers visible on the screen went up, my heartbeat became faster. When I arrived at the 24th floor, it was to an uncontrollable degree.
It was amazing. That my heart changed like this every time we met.
The path going to meet Kang Sehyun started with appropriate anticipation and tension, and that degree changed each time it was repeated. This hallway that I’d walked through at first simply with a flutter was to the point of churning today because I couldn’t calm my excited heart.
The emotion I’d thought couldn’t grow any bigger had swelled like a snowball without me knowing.
I stopped at the place I’d come to dozens of times, pressed the password, and opened the familiar door.
“You’re late.”
Kang Sehyun, who had been sitting on the sofa, stood up abruptly as soon as he saw me. Gladness was carried in his steps approaching with big strides.
“Did you shower? Come shower here.”
The eyes looking at me were nothing but affectionate today too.
I reached out toward Kang Sehyun who stood tall before me. Soft hair was felt between my fingers. Startled, my partner froze just like that.
It seemed he hadn’t expected at all that I would approach him first. Because it was always Kang Sehyun who had come to me properly.
I pulled his flustered face and kissed him. Kang Sehyun’s scent that I’d always smelled came. After the short kiss, there were words I absolutely had to say.
“Let’s do it, sex.”
