That afternoon, I told Kwon Sungha I’d go to his apartment and got rejected.
– Don’t come.
“Why.”
– Because I’m sick, you’ll be a bother.
“Is that the only reason?”
– …Then is there another reason?
“If that’s really the only reason, I’ll just stop by briefly.”
– It’s fine. I have medicine, I don’t need anything.
“You need me. I want to see your face even for a moment.”
When I said that much, Kwon Sungha couldn’t say anything.
The time Kwon Sungha usually came home on Fridays was between 11:30 and 11:50. Carrying store-bought porridge I’d bought in advance, I arrived at the apartment around 9.
The place that was always excessively neat was somehow disorderly. It was clear he really wasn’t feeling well—things here and there weren’t placed neatly in their proper places.
Kwon Sungha came around 11:30 as expected. He’d said today was better than yesterday, but his face didn’t look that way at all. Under his slightly swollen eyes were deeply sunken hollows.
“Your condition is really bad.”
“Yeah. A bit.”
His answer was extremely half-hearted, as if he didn’t even have the strength to answer properly. Without making him talk more on purpose, I pushed him toward the bathroom. A few minutes later, the sound of water came from inside.
Why does he work to this extent?
It wasn’t common for someone with student status to work. If they couldn’t afford to support living expenses, they wouldn’t have sent them to study abroad in the first place. Of course, everyone has their own circumstances, so at first I thought there must be other reasons. But there was absolutely no way that applied to Kwon Sungha.
Kwon Sungha, who worried over just a few dollars in America, appeared differently every time I saw him in Korea. The clothes and shoes he wore were mostly luxury brands, and even his watch wasn’t the one he always wore in America. So I’d asked him once before.
‘Ah… My father does business. Mom’s a housewife.’
I knew right away. That he didn’t want to talk about his family any more than I did.
Anyway, I knew his father’s business was still doing well, so I couldn’t understand why he was so obsessed with work like this. Even when he was sick.
Click.
At the sound of the door opening, I slowly rose from the sofa. The face coming out of the bathroom looked much better than before. My eyes kept going to his damp appearance. A sight I’d seen many times was now torture. Because it kept making me think other thoughts.
“I feel a bit better after washing up.”
Completely unaware of my inner state, Kwon Sungha sat on the sofa, his oversized t-shirt fluttering. Today too, he was excessively innocent.
“I’m curious about something.”
His pitch-black pupils suddenly widened.
“What’s the reason you work that hard?”
“Ah…”
There it was again. The face that didn’t want to talk.
But contrary to that, Kwon Sungha pulled out an answer more easily than expected. So by the time I thought I’d asked for nothing, the other person had already given an answer.
“My father’s a bit strict, so he told me to develop independence early on.”
That meant financial support was limited. Then there was a reason Kwon Sungha had to work. It was a convincing explanation, but somehow I felt uneasy. It was because of Kwon Sungha’s expression. The expression he made when hiding something.
“Why are you suddenly asking that? Do you feel that bad about me working while sick?”
“Yeah.”
“Then will you really go instead of me?”
“Sure.”
The playfully smiling face instantly froze. Then ‘I’m joking.’ He smiled with a bitter expression.
“I’m not joking though.”
“Even if it were possible, that’s a bit…”
“Why, you think I can’t do that kind of work?”
“Mm… Well, there’s that, but I don’t think the boss would be able to make you do anything. Anyway, thanks for the thought, but fortunately there’s no need. I decided to take tomorrow off.”
He’d said today was a busy day and he had to go because they were short-handed, but tomorrow was an even busier day. Saturday, when schedule adjustments were difficult even during exam periods. It was the busiest day of the week—I was curious how he managed to get out of work.
“They just told me to rest. Said it would be hard to deal with customers because of my voice. And I might pass it on.”
“That worked out well. While you’re at it, cancel tomorrow’s plans too.”
“Mm…”
I’d naturally thought he’d cancel, but Kwon Sungha hesitated.
“Don’t tell me you’re planning to go in that condition?”
“Earlier in the day when they came, they asked if it would be okay and I already said it was fine. It’s a bit awkward to say I’m not going now.”
“So why did you say you’d go in the first place? You should have said you couldn’t.”
“All the other hyungs said they couldn’t come either, so Gihyun hyung was really disappointed. I guess the interview place he went to this week didn’t work out well. They said he’s actually really discouraged right now.”
“That’s what you call discouraged?”
“…Well, he did seem to have perked up again.”
I laughed at the absurdity.
“Since I’m not going to work tomorrow, if I take medicine and rest from now until evening, won’t I get better?”
“Does a cold get that much better in one day?”
“Instead, I won’t drink. And when we come back, I can drive.”
Anyway, the conversation ended with saying we’d see about tomorrow’s situation. The conclusion didn’t sit well with me until the end, but I couldn’t keep a sick kid there any longer, so I decided to talk again tomorrow.
I took Kwon Sungha to his room, made him lie on the bed, and prepared to go home. It was the same situation as yesterday.
“Rest.”
The same situation, the same line as I left the room, when—
“If it’s okay, just stay and sleep.”
What?
My expression naturally soured. It should have been a welcome suggestion, but I wasn’t pleased.
“Did you forget you kicked me out just yesterday?”
“I didn’t forget. I’m telling you in advance—staying to sleep is okay, but kissing isn’t.”
Kind one moment, cold the next—making a person rise and fall with a single word.
“When will that be okay then?”
When I asked that, an unexpected answer came back.
“When it’s that kind of atmosphere.”
“When is that kind of atmosphere?”
To me, that kind of atmosphere was ‘always.’ Constantly. All the time. Even at this very moment, my attention perversely went to the other person’s lips. But Kwon Sungha waiting for that kind of atmosphere still seemed to have room for leisure. Sure enough, I heard an answer completely opposite to my feelings.
“What’s certain is it’s not now.”
Rejected again.
***
I had a dream.
A dream of kissing Kwon Sungha.
It was the cocktail bar at John Hancock Tower with a full view of Chicago’s night scenery. Moderately calm music flowed. Our eyes met, and without saying who went first, our lips met. The moment soft lips touched, my heart swelled. Thump. Thump. My heart beat a little faster.
In the dream, Kwon Sungha was smiling. From his happy expression, clearly that kind of atmosphere he wanted had been created well.
Our first kiss was truly perfect.
But cruel reality was not.
When I opened my eyes, I was on the sofa in Kwon Sungha’s apartment living room.
“Damn it.”
It was sincere truth that burst out when I checked my lower half that I hadn’t been paying attention to.
Right, this is all my fault. It was wrong to ask from the start.
Is there really a need to drag it out this much for just one kiss? Only I’m having a hard time waiting.
Right now, I was holding onto the very little patience I had left, precariously standing on the boundary between reason and instinct.
***
Kwon Sungha woke up at 2 PM.
Thanks to sufficient sleep, his physical condition was much better. Of course that was good, but in the end, because of that, the plans I’d thought would be canceled remained as they were.
‘Don’t go.’
‘If you’re really not okay, don’t go.’
Even in our family full of stubborn people, my stubbornness in particular was to the point where no one could stop me, but even that great stubbornness of mine always failed to function in front of one person.
9:50 PM. Around the time we were almost at the Korean bar I’d so hated to go to, I received texts from the hyungs saying they’d arrived first.
“Smooth out your expression. Are you going to be like that when we go in too?”
Even while speaking with displeasure, Kwon Sungha actually had an apologetic expression. Not knowing I was particularly weak to that expression.
“If it gets worse, I’ll tell you right away. Really.”
“Fine.”
The guidance that we were approaching our destination came on. Then a long finger pointed to one side of the road.
“If you turn right up ahead, it’ll be right there.”
“You know it well.”
“It’s near my place.”
At least the fortunate thing was that it only took 10 minutes from here to Kwon Sungha’s place. At times like this, I was glad Kwon Sungha didn’t live downtown.
When we arrived in front of the bar, several people were gathered in the parking lot smoking cigarettes. I parked on the side with fewer cars.
Perhaps because it hadn’t been long since it opened, the exterior was clean. But still, I didn’t want to go in.
The reason I particularly refused like this was because I’d truly never once had a good memory when coming out like this. Being the object of someone’s observation as they glanced at me wasn’t welcome, and when strangers came to the table and struck up conversation, having to forcibly endure it to avoid making a scene was annoying. At least it was okay when the hyungs were beside me, but these things always happened when I was left alone at the table. At least today, fortunately, Kwon Sungha was here.
I got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. I was walking forward without much thought when someone waved at us from a distance. It was one of the people smoking in the parking lot. Clack clack. The sound of dress shoes approaching quickly grew closer.
“Is that someone you know?”
“I wonder. I don’t think so.”
I’d thought it must be Kwon Sungha’s acquaintance since it definitely wouldn’t be me, but from his expression, it seemed like he really didn’t know them.
And then, an unexpected name came from the other person’s mouth.
“Sehyun-ah.”
