“Is hugging a habit?”
“No. It’s because I’m happy.”
So he knows how to say things like that too.
Kang Sehyun, who never knew how to say anything sweet, occasionally blurted out his genuine feelings with bewildering purity. I heard a muttering, “I was surprised.”
“Weren’t you the one who expected this situation?”
“What?”
“This situation.”
“Yeah. But I didn’t know it would be right now.”
“Do you understand my feelings now? How I felt back then.”
A low laugh came from over his shoulder. A heart that I couldn’t tell was mine or Kang Sehyun’s was beating rapidly.
“Don’t change your mind.”
There was no composure in his voice. From earlier, it kept feeling like he wasn’t the Kang Sehyun I’d known until now, but a new person.
Will things like this happen often from now on?
Not the Kang Sehyun I’d known all this time, but Kang Sehyun when he’s not a friend. I thought it wouldn’t be bad to see that.
“You know me. I choose carefully.”
“Then please use it for a long time.”
Another un-Sehyun-like thing to say.
After that, Sehyun didn’t release his arms for a long while. What I didn’t know when we were simply friends was that his embrace was truly warm, and that the scent I’d always caught from a distance was several times better when it was close.
I felt strange. My first relationship in my life wasn’t ordinary at all, and I thought that this relationship, which would be full of worries going forward, was the best among all the things I’d carefully chosen.
It felt like I’d finally accomplished something I’d kept putting off.
***
I’m dating.
After 23 years of being alive, I have a lover. And I have worries I didn’t have before.
What exactly is dating anyway?
“We broke up.”
“Again?!”
Gijae hyung, who just two days ago had been looking for restaurants because it was his girlfriend’s birthday, had broken up in the meantime. It had happened so many times it wasn’t very surprising, but I was more surprised that Junsung hyung, who always hung out with him, was still shocked.
“Weren’t you on the phone until yesterday? When exactly?”
“This morning.”
“Why this time? It seemed like it was lasting pretty long.”
Even so, it had only been four months. Since most of his relationships didn’t make it past three months, it was true that this lasted longer than others, but still, it was hard to see that period as long.
Even I, who had no interest in other people’s business, especially others’ relationships, perked up my ears this time. I was curious about what reason Gijae hyung, who always broke up over trivial and insignificant things, had broken up for this time. It absolutely wasn’t because I had started dating.
“We fought.”
“So what did you fight about?”
“She suddenly said she was coming.”
Gijae hyung spoke calmly, hard to believe he was someone who broke up today.
“Huh? Coming? Where?”
“Here. She suddenly said she wanted to come to our school.”
“…But why is that a reason to break up?”
“We can meet outside, why would she come to someone else’s school?”
“Well, isn’t that better? I actually liked it. It’s like we’re attending the same university.”
“It’s not like she’s coming to attend lectures with me, it’s annoying having her follow me around everywhere. I also don’t like her suddenly wanting to meet.”
“Wow, your personality is fucking terrible.”
“What, you bastard?”
I thought of someone who comes to school without fail twice a week even though we won’t be attending lectures together. Since I’d never once thought of it as annoying, I guess I have a pretty good personality.
“Last time you broke up because she contacted you too much, this time you broke up because she suddenly said she’d visit school. Don’t you think that’s too much?”
“Not at all. You know what’s most important in dating? Personal time. When you meet friends, you meet friends, and when you meet your girlfriend, you focus on her—that’s how you can date for a long time. If you cling only to that person, you get tired of them easily.”
“That’s true, but still, you treat people too lightly. You should know how to be serious like me.”
“Hey, being too serious is also a burden. Isn’t that why you always get dumped?”
“You really need to get hit today.”
I know that everyone has different dating styles and there’s no clear right answer. But no matter how much I think about it, there seems to be a problem with Sehyun and my relationship. The cause was precisely the fact that we’re very close friends and also lovers.
It would be nice if, as Gijae hyung said, the time spent meeting friends and the time spent meeting a lover were clearly distinguished, but we didn’t have that boundary line to begin with. We’re each other’s closest friend and also lovers. Having to fulfill both roles at once was more complicated than I thought.
At first, I thought there was nothing in particular to worry about since we were already used to each other. There was no need to get to know each other more, no need to adjust to each other—we were already perfectly adapted to one another.
Like Gijae hyung, there was no chance we’d break up because of too much contact, or break up because of suddenly visiting school. Sehyun had always been that way, and I was the one who allowed it from the start.
But there was a different big homework assignment remaining.
Not a problem of adaptation, but a problem of… practice, I suppose.
For example, if we watch a movie at my place just like before, even though we’d sit on the same sofa as always, I’d hesitate about what position and posture to sit in. It was the same when situations arose that I’d pretended not to notice until now. I felt like I should give some kind of reaction, but I had no idea how to do it.
What on earth should I do when the other person stares at me intently?
Option 1. Ask why he’s looking.
Option 2. Tell him to stop looking.
Option 3. Stare back together.
Anyone could see that Options 1 and 2 weren’t the answer. But Option 3 was absolutely… I really didn’t think I could do it unless I went crazy.
Gazing lovingly at each other? That kind of scene you only see in foreign movies, with Kang Sehyun and me? I couldn’t even dare to imagine it. I absolutely, absolutely didn’t want to do it.
The conclusion was that even in situations completely identical to before, I had no idea how to act as lovers rather than friends, and even if I figured it out, putting it into practice was currently the biggest problem.
Just today, for instance, I’d decided to go to Sehyun’s officetel, but how should I handle sleeping? It gave me a headache since there was now another option besides sleeping in the guest room.
Everything was full of question marks.
I arrived at Sehyun’s officetel carrying this unsolvable homework. When I entered the password and went in, the spacious interior came into view. A familiar table. A familiar sofa. A familiar view outside the window. But with just one person missing, it felt empty.
On Mondays and Wednesdays when I finished early, Sehyun always finished early too. What Kihyun hyung had said jokingly before was true. Sehyun always arranged his class schedule to match mine. To finish about an hour earlier than me.
But today, before entering his second class, he had a team project meeting, so a text came saying he’d be late and to go to the officetel first.
With no one there to greet me each time, I felt strange somehow.
I went straight to the guest room and hung up my coat. Inside the empty closet hung three or four of my t-shirts and two pairs of pants. Not only that, but in the bathroom were the lotion and aftershave I used.
Even when the hyungs occasionally came to stay over, Sehyun always made sure I used this room. So when several hyungs shared one room, I used this room alone. Thinking about it, it really was special treatment. At this point, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call it my personal room rather than a guest room.
‘Is that him? Your amazing friend?’
I remembered Sehyun’s ex-girlfriend saying that. She must have come into this room too, and if so, even I would have been curious. About who my boyfriend’s only friend was.
Before, I’d wondered why Sehyun never introduced me to his girlfriends, but with that kind of reaction, it was only natural he wouldn’t. She probably didn’t like that there was someone other than herself receiving such special treatment. Thinking about it now, it was fortunate.
After changing into comfortable clothes, I went back out to the living room and sat on the sofa. I was blankly watching a TV program that wasn’t even registering when a message came from Sehyun after a while.
Sehyun: [Did you arrive?]
Me: [Yeah]
I regretted it as soon as I sent it. It was too insincere an answer. But it was too hard to be affectionate now. Feeling sorry, I sent another message before a reply came.
Me: [Aren’t you in the middle of a meeting? Is it okay to send messages like this?]
Sehyun: [They’re not talking about anything important right now]
Team project. Would it be okay?
Even if Sehyun didn’t make friends, that was separate from having no problems with school life. He had good manners and got along with students without any trouble, and he was especially imprinted on the professors as a more polite student than anyone. So things the hyungs might worry about didn’t happen, and things like team projects weren’t a problem at all. But this time I was worried because there was a Korean person among the team members. He’d been annoyed since the first day of the semester, saying they kept trying to talk to him after the team was decided.
Drrrng-. Drrrng-.
Sehyun: [I thought it wouldn’t take long but it looks like I’ll have to stay a bit longer]
Sehyun: [If you’re hungry take something out of the fridge and eat]
I wasn’t particularly hungry, so I sent a message saying I was fine. And a few minutes later, this time the reply came a bit slower.
Sehyun: [Then wait for me]
I paused for a moment after reading the text on the screen. It wasn’t even that impressive a thing to say, but I was shocked.
Wow.
Heart, why are you beating on your own?
