Buzz buzz buzz-.
Knowing that I wasn’t sleeping, the person kept sending trivial messages. For the past two hours, they’d been posting teasing messages about me in the group chat, and when I ignored them, they now blatantly sent me private messages.
Seo Gihyun: [Look at this]
Seo Gihyun: [(Photo)]
Seo Gihyun: [Isn’t this amazing]
Seo Gihyun: [(Emoticon)(Emoticon)(Emoticon)]
Past midnight. In the message window hyung sent, there was a large photo of food from who knows where. The pasta on the pure white plate looked quite appetizing.
Buzz buzz buzz-.
What now.
Wondering what message he sent this time, I looked at the screen again, and this time three characters were floating alone on the display. I naturally thought it would be Kihyun hyung, but it was an unexpected person.
[Kwon Sungha]
I hurriedly pressed the call button.
“Yeah. Having fun?”
– …….
“Hello?”
– …….
“Why aren’t you saying anything.”
– Wow….
When the voice I expected to hear right away didn’t come through even after calling several times, instead of the expected voice, I suddenly heard an exclamation.
“…What. Is that you, hyung?”
– Yeah. It’s me. You petty bastard.
“Why.”
– What do you mean why? You ignored all my messages but answered Sungha’s call in one go. What’s with you. Having fun? Your voice is dripping with honey. Why don’t you just date Sungha.
“What do you really want.”
– Nothing special. I just contacted you to check if you’re studying well?
A laugh escaped me without realizing it. If he had enough passion to deliberately call from someone else’s phone while clearly knowing I was studying alone, the person who really wanted to date me seemed to be Kihyun hyung.
“You were so happy to hang out without me. You’re having fun, so why are you curious about that.”
– When you put it that way again, I have nothing to say. You know I’m not asking because I’m curious, right? Anyway, you’re hard to tease, Kang Sehyun.
I continued the call with hyung about nothing particularly important. After exchanging a few words, every time hyung said something, I could hear the other hyungs’ voices beside him.
– What’s Sehyun doing?
– Studying, probably. They have exams until next week.
– Just because it’s exam time, do you not eat, not shit, and only study all day? He can do other things too.
Then why did you even call.
All the bickering sounds came through the receiver. After calling and listening to them squabble among themselves for a while, I got up with a cigarette. After the squabbling ended, almost everyone took turns asking the same question, so I had to repeat the same answer several times, but I couldn’t hear the voice of the actual phone owner.
– Hey, Seo Gihyun. Let Sehyun study now and hang up.
– Okay. Then work hard. I’ll text you later. Uh… huh? Ah! Wait a moment.
Before I could even answer that I understood, a clattering sound tormented my ears. Soon after, a calm tone was heard.
– It’s me.
It was Kwon Sungha.
“Yeah.”
After answering a beat late, it suddenly occurred to me. Come to think of it, have we ever talked on the phone?
Our means of contact was always texting. There was never anything long or important enough to warrant a phone call, and even when making plans, we exchanged all communication through messages. So the voice coming through the phone felt somehow awkward and unfamiliar.
– There’s one of my printouts there, right? The one with IDS640 written on top.
“Yeah. You left it behind.”
– Ah. That’s a relief.
“Is it important? Your exams are all done anyway. It’s not like you’ll take this course again.”
– Someone’s taking it next semester and asked to see it. They asked for my notes.
It’s not like anyone would curse at you for leaving out one printout among many. Anyway, doing work that won’t even be appreciated while being needlessly diligent.
One of the things I’d realized over the past few months was that Kwon Sungha and I had quite a lot in common. We liked the same films and movies enough to have a conversation about obscure failed documentaries that few people knew about, and beyond that, we had similar tastes in music, books, and even food.
That wasn’t all.
Though we seemed completely different on the outside, we had many similarities in personality too, especially in how we stubbornly did our own thing without being easily swayed by others—that was similar to me. We preferred quiet over crowds, and surprisingly, he couldn’t stand messiness just as much as I couldn’t.
Maybe that’s why it was always comfortable being together. There was no need to make conversation or think ahead to be considerate of the other person. It wasn’t much different from being alone.
But naturally, there were differences. The biggest difference was exactly this.
We both kept our distance from others, but I didn’t make an effort while Kwon Sungha did.
“That course from before?”
– No. That’s a different course. But it’s the same person.
Not long ago, I was dumbfounded to hear he’d been asked for lecture notes by someone he’d just met through another person. What was even more shocking was that they asked for not just one but two, and only bought him a measly few-dollar cafeteria lunch once in return.
Why does he try to repay any kindness others show him, yet think it’s okay to cover up others taking advantage of him with goodwill?
I wanted to throw the neatly arranged printouts on one side of the desk straight into the trash.
– Keep it there safely. I’ll come get it later.
“It’s not here.”
– ……Huh?
“I said it’s not here.”
– ……You just said it was there.
“It disappeared.”
– ……Why would it suddenly disappear?
“I must have thrown it away without realizing.”
– Don’t joke around. I know you didn’t throw it away. You never throw anything away without checking.
It was a lie, but since I said it quite seriously, I ended up making what seemed like a ridiculous joke.
“Is there no one else taking that course but you?”
– Probably not. Even so, it’d be good if I could help everyone. It’s not a difficult thing.
Kwon Sungha was definitely not what people commonly call a pushover. He didn’t look gullible at all on the outside, and he wasn’t stupid enough to be used by others.
He was just what everyone calls a good person. Kind and warm to others, someone who knew how to help people. He absolutely wouldn’t do things where he’d lose out, but he wouldn’t refuse requests that didn’t particularly cost him time or money.
“Why go that far instead of doing it half-heartedly.”
– You always talk as if you could do that. You’d probably do even more, right? If you weren’t going to do it, you wouldn’t do it at all, but you couldn’t do it half-heartedly.
“That’s why I don’t do it.”
A laugh that was rarely heard came softly through the receiver.
– How about you, is your studying going well? You said it’s the hardest course. You said you’d finish it all early today, are you getting through it?
“No. I just finished half now.”
– Then you’ll have to finish tomorrow.
“Yeah.”
– It’s already one o’clock, so how late will you go? You have time until Tuesday, so if you can’t concentrate, just do it tomorrow.
“I’ll try a bit more and then decide. I’m not sleepy.”
Strangely, I wasn’t sleepy but it was hard to concentrate. I was usually good at concentrating, but today, after sunset, the concentration that had been holding up decently fell apart.
It was already tough, but it got worse because someone kept sending interfering messages.
“Tell hyung to stop bothering me.”
– I’ll try, but I don’t think it’ll work.
Kwon Sungha, who I thought would just say what he had to say and hang up, continued to the next words too naturally. The call that went on longer than expected wasn’t too bad.
“Why is it so quiet around you. Where are the hyungs?”
– Drinking.
“With pasta?”
– No. We brought food from the restaurant for snacks. Sashimi and a few fried things. I made the pasta because of Kihyun hyung. He said he was hungry but can’t eat raw fish.
“You made it?”
– Yeah. But after trying the fried food, he’s only eating that. He begged me to make it. Our restaurant’s fried food is delicious.
“I know.”
Along with the white cigarette smoke, a past memory rose up. The cigarette hiding between my fingers had become short.
“Even if you don’t drink, shouldn’t you hang out with them?”
– I should. I’ll go in after finishing this.
“Where are you right now.”
– The balcony.
No wonder it was too quiet around him—it seemed he was outside alone. Listening to this, I could sense the breathing that paused between his words.
“There are so many people, why are you smoking alone.”
– I like it quiet for a bit. Anyway, the balcony is small too. So keep me company just a little longer. Strangely, when I smoke alone here on the balcony, it feels a bit lonely.
Kwon Sungha’s apartment that I’d never been to. An image of Kwon Sungha standing alone on the narrow balcony that I didn’t know the layout of formed in my mind.
I threw the finished cigarette in the ashtray and lit a new one. I’d just thrown on a hoodie and come outside saying I’d be out for a moment, but I didn’t want to go back in right away. Somehow, one cigarette alone felt insufficient.
– It’s really cold today.
“This much is still okay.”
– You’re fine because you’ve been in Chicago the whole time.
“New York is cold too.”
– Hmm……. It’s different from New York’s cold.
“It’s the same though.”
– No. It’s different. I can’t explain it but…… anyway, it’s different.
Forgetting that I’m someone who’d been to New York more recently than him, despite my saying it’s the same, Kwon Sungha denied it to the end, saying it wasn’t.
How can cold be different.
– I should go in now.
“Finished smoking?”
– Yeah. Sorry for keeping you so long.
“It’s fine.”
– Now go do what you were doing. Rest appropriately while doing it.
“Okay.”
After a few words of goodbye, Kwon Sungha hung up. Through the receiver I habitually held onto until the other person hung up first, the repeating call termination tone was heard.
“Whew…….”
I smoked the long cigarette that hadn’t even burned halfway yet. White smoke rose, whether it was cigarette smoke or breath. At the same time, the cold air that rushed in rubbed against my face and my skin stung. It was the cold I had forgotten.
