Seo Nakil didn’t answer right away. Thanks to that, I was able to chew over what I’d just said. At the unfamiliar, ticklish texture contained in the words I’d impulsively blurted out, heat rushed to my face.
“Um, that is.”
In the brief silence, I struggled to somehow justify the words I’d just let slip.
It’s because the season changed. When spring comes, people sometimes act sentimental. That’s why, like this, I suddenly say things I don’t normally say, as if being capricious.
“So what I meant was…”
But before I could say that, Seo Nakil whispered.
—Me too.
What was it about those words that made my heart settle so softly? At the heat that warmly warmed both my cheeks, I slowly rubbed my face with the back of my hand.
—I’m happy. Because it seems like you enjoy the time we spend together.
“Of course… I like it.”
The time I spent with Seo Nakil was comfortable. Even when silence came, it wasn’t awkward, and it wasn’t difficult, perhaps because I didn’t need to force myself to do anything. Moreover, thanks to his handsome face, when we sat facing each other, it even felt like watching a movie.
Rest. If I were to express the time with him briefly, that word seemed to be the answer.
—Time goes faster than you think.
It was an affectionate voice, as if wanting to comfort me.
—In the blink of an eye, it’ll be next week.
“…”
—But it seems your heart is faster than time.
I couldn’t deny it. I also felt that my heart, which had silently rushed ahead, was lingering in front of a certain penthouse.
“Are you outside?”
—I just arrived.
As the sound of a motorcycle passing nearby was transmitted through the phone, he asked.
—It seems Ijae-ssi is still outside. I’m pretty sure I dropped you off in front of the dorm.
“…I went out for a bit. Because something came up to talk about.”
—Aha, a talk.
Seo Nakil immediately realized that this ‘talk’ was the reason I’d called him.
—Then let’s have that talk with me too.
My gaze, having just arrived at the dorm, touched the wall clock. It was already late at night.
Suddenly, I recalled his face from earlier, drinking espresso with added shots.
“Didn’t you say you had to leave early tomorrow?”
—I had coffee, so I can’t sleep.
Seo Nakil answered in a soft voice.
—I think I might get sleepy if I listen to your story, what do you think?
At those words, it felt like a clunking sound came from inside my heart. It was because the bolt I’d clumsily hung had crumbled.
“…Maybe I knew everything from the beginning. That neither a good ending nor memories worth keeping for a lifetime would be allowed for me and hyung.”
Through the gap in the door where the bolt had come undone, the words I’d piled up came pouring out.
“That’s why I held on even more. Because the moment I let go, it would drift away. Because I was scared of chewing over the fact that nothing remained with empty hands.”
—…
“It’s ridiculous, right? Even though holding on stubbornly like that doesn’t change anything. Since it wasn’t much from the beginning, there’s nothing left even after it ends…”
Having taken off my coat and lying on the bed, I muttered while lying down with the phone against my cheek.
“It’s not like I had such grand fantasies. I knew best that he wasn’t such a good person.”
—That would be true. Because you were closest to him.
“…But why did I like him? I really don’t know.”
Even in a story without a single subject, Seo Nakil followed along without getting lost.
—I think I know.
“You think you know?”
—Ijae-ya.
I forgot even to breathe and fell into that low voice.
—Maybe you just wanted to be stubborn. Whether you knew it was wrong or not.
“…”
—Because you wanted at least one thing among all the countless things happening in the world to go your way. Isn’t that right?
Those words sounded exactly like a confession that he too had once acted foolishly for the sake of a single choice.
—It probably wasn’t a good choice. Because being next to someone who doesn’t cherish you would only bring pain.
“…”
—But at least once, you couldn’t help it. Because you liked him that much.
At the voice that seemed to be more on my side than I was, I somehow felt childish without rhyme or reason. I curled up my body and said as if whining.
“I don’t like him anymore. I really told him let’s end everything.”
—Yeah.
“I’m done being swayed too. I don’t care what Seonho hyung says.”
—I know.
“…One foolish choice is enough. I won’t do it twice.”
—You did well.
“I’ll also…”
I whispered in a slightly sniffling voice.
“Meet a good person.”
Then Seo Nakil asked in a tone tinged with laughter.
—What kind of person would a good person be?
“Hmm… Someone who treats me kindly?”
—Do you know what being kind is?
“I know, why wouldn’t I?”
Maybe I didn’t know before. Because there weren’t that many people who were unconditionally kind to me.
But not now. I came to know what kindness was—kindness so detailed it was specific, so hot it boiled. I couldn’t help but know.
“They’d be like you, Bae-u-nim.”
Because all the best kindness I can imagine, the warmest goodwill, all have your face.
With my eyes closed, I swallowed the words I couldn’t say.
“Is this strange too?”
—That would also make me happy.
As trivial conversation continued, drowsiness came over me. As my voice began to gradually drag, becoming heavy with sleep, Seo Nakil, who had been silent for a moment, said softly.
—Sleep well, Ijae-ya.
After that, no sound was heard until my consciousness completely sank. It seemed he’d ended the call for me.
Having fallen asleep like that, I met Seo Nakil in the dream world too. Because I’d been with him continuously until I fell asleep, it seemed to be an extension of unbroken thoughts.
Perhaps because it wasn’t reality, everything flowed as naturally as water. As if I’d placed my body into a movie already playing, I was moving naturally.
While I unbuckled my seatbelt and staggered out of the passenger seat, adjusting my coat, Seo Nakil, who had been sitting in the driver’s seat, quickly came around the hood toward me. It was a scene reminiscent of the scenery from last weekend when he’d dropped me off in front of the dorm.
According to my memory, Seo Nakil opened the door, bowed his head, and cupped my cheek…
“Be careful.”
The moment I leaned my staggering body against Seo Nakil, I realized this wasn’t a memory from last week.
‘It’s different.’
The me from that time didn’t embrace him like this, and the wind touching my cheeks wasn’t this cold. It seemed I was imagining a situation I’d never experienced before by inserting Seo Nakil into it.
It wasn’t strange. Because that’s what dreams are usually like. Absurdly unrealistic, and perhaps because of that, they casually grant what I’d been secretly wishing for.
He tilted his head while firmly readjusting his hold on me as I couldn’t control my body.
“How much did you drink to be struggling like this?”
“Struggling? I’m not. It’s about the same as usual…”
“If this is the same as usual, that’s not okay.”
Seo Nakil, who spoke sternly, wrapped his arm around my waist. At his attitude, as if he’d lift me up at any moment, I laughed drowsily.
“When Bae-u-nim does this, it feels exactly like filming a drama.”
“Does it seem like I’m doing this because we’re filming?”
“…Not that.”
Bowing my head and resting my forehead on his shoulder, I said in a slightly dampened voice.
“Even if you treat me too well, it won’t be rewarding.”
“Haha.”
Seo Nakil laughed coldly and completely lifted me up. As both my feet left the ground, I panicked and pulled his neck into an embrace.
“You have a unique way of saying thank you for giving you a ride. Why won’t it be rewarding?”
“Well… because I won’t remember anything. I’m like that when I drink. Even what I’m saying right now, I’ll forget it all by tomorrow. What I said, what Bae-u-nim said too.”
“Is that so?”
While nodding my head, I thought. This dream seems to be an imagination about time I can’t remember.
When I was called out by Kwon Seonho and drank, it was common for my memory to go completely blank from that day until I came home and fell asleep. Since I’d fallen asleep while talking with Seo Nakil, it seemed I was supposing what it would be like to fill that gap with Seo Nakil.
While thinking such thoughts, Seo Nakil’s face came close, right before my nose.
“Then let’s check. Whether you really can’t remember.”
Warm breath tickled my lips. Thinking it was a needlessly vivid dream, I put slight strength into my fingertips gripping his shoulders.
“If tomorrow comes and you don’t say anything to me, then what you said will be true, Ijae-ya.”
“…”
“I’d rather you get angry at me…”
A whisper that felt dangerous somewhere soaked into my lips, not my ears.
“What do you think?”
