I looked up at Kwon Seonho with an awkward gaze. He was dressed in comfortable training clothes, as if he’d just come back from working out.
“Well, this works out perfectly.”
It couldn’t have been more coincidental. Of all things, to run into him like this—I’d been thinking my luck was bad.
As I hesitated and stepped back, Kwon Seonho took a step toward me.
“Let’s talk for a bit?”
At my face, which was full of reluctance, he clicked his tongue irritably.
“Han Ijae. Just how long are you going to keep avoiding me?”
It had been two weeks since I’d pretended not to notice his request to talk separately. If I could have my way, I wanted to keep avoiding him until I finished my Starium activities and left the program…
‘He’s not going to let that happen.’
I couldn’t understand it. Why on earth did he keep trying to talk to me like this? He’d said he didn’t remember anything, and because of that, our relationship had ended.
“Go ahead and speak. I won’t avoid you.”
“How am I supposed to talk in a place like this?”
“Then let’s go inside the dorm…”
“When that bastard Min Seungwoo has his eyes wide open watching?”
Couldn’t be helped, could it? I shrugged my shoulders. Since we shared the same dorm, the place where he and I stayed was also the place where Min Seungwoo stayed.
If it was something he couldn’t bring up in front of Min Seungwoo, then it should be something he couldn’t bring up anywhere. As I stared up at Kwon Seonho with that meaning in my eyes, he turned around irritably.
“Follow me.”
I quickened my pace so as not to lose Kwon Seonho. As we walked toward the main street, more and more people passed by, so I pressed my cap down low and glanced around anxiously.
At the end of the familiar path, when we entered the basement bar, a staff member who recognized us guided us to a corner seat.
“You drink beer, right?”
“…Yes.”
“It’s so damn bland though. Do you actually find that tasty?”
As I tried to read the upside-down letters on the menu, I just smiled awkwardly.
I didn’t particularly choose it because it was delicious. If anything, beer was the type of alcohol I least preferred. The more I drank it, the more I felt full rather than drunk.
Still, the reason I insisted on drinking beer every time I followed him here was that it was a way to get less drunk. Even though I’d never made mistakes while drunk, I couldn’t be pleased about the gaps created when my consciousness cut off completely after going way past my limit.
As salty and spicy foods filled the table, I suddenly thought this situation was ridiculous. Really out of nowhere, the memory that popped up was what I’d said just last weekend after watching a movie with Seo Nakil.
‘What would it feel like to have a love worth remembering for a lifetime? Someone who’s so irreplaceable and unique, and remains as such a good ending that you can smile brightly whenever you think of them… is that only possible in movies?’
Perhaps such a miraculous thing might be allowed even in reality. But it wasn’t my portion.
I don’t know what that kind of ending is. I don’t know what it’s like to reminisce like that either. The closest thing I’ve had to love, or something approximating love, was my feelings toward this person…
“Haha, ahahaha.”
“…What?”
“Pfft. Hehe, haha…”
As I burst into laughter out loud, Kwon Seonho raised his eyebrows crookedly. He even clicked his tongue as if he was looking at a crazy person.
Now I understand. What we had wasn’t love. This was just a fragment of selfishness that merely imitated love.
So.
“We’re not right for each other.”
“What?”
“Seonho hyung.”
You just needed someone who was comfortable and easy, and I just confused admiration with love.
Our relationship was wrong from the very first button, and it was a complete mess whether memories existed or not.
“You need to accept it now too, hyung.”
I looked down at the beer losing its foam and said in a calm voice.
“Ending it now is the best option.”
“Even if my memories come back?”
Kwon Seonho’s dissatisfied voice clung to my ears.
“I heard your recovery speed is fast. Kang Subin was impressed a few times while talking to you, saying it seemed like you remembered things from before. That doctor says so too. That your memories might come back once time passes and you stabilize.”
“Even if things come back, I don’t think it’ll change…”
“How can you be so sure?”
He said as if shooting back.
“You don’t know how absurd I feel every time I see you these days, Han Ijae. You say let’s break up because you don’t remember, then you go around meeting that Seo Nakil or whatever while saying you forgot everything. Who the hell is that guy you keep meeting? Before, you didn’t even act like you knew each other.”
“…”
“What’s different about him from me?”
So, Kwon Seonho didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that something more important than himself had emerged within me.
“He’s different.”
“Different?”
Kwon Seonho retorted sarcastically.
“I guess you don’t think things could change if your memories come back. It’s easy for you because you don’t know how we spent time together. Right now, you don’t even know that we’re regulars at this bar.”
“It’s not a matter of memory.”
I stopped pretending to drink and put down my beer glass. As I stood up, a puzzled gaze followed me.
“My opinion is different. Even if my memories come back, it won’t change. That’s why I said let’s break up. Actually, I don’t even know if ‘breaking up’ is the right term for our relationship…”
“Hey, Han Ijae.”
“Regulars?”
I looked down at the salty and spicy foods filling the table, and then at my chopsticks that remained clean because I hadn’t picked up anything.
“How could a place that serves food that doesn’t suit my taste be my regular bar? It’s only a regular for you, hyung.”
“…”
“Do you even know what kind of food I like?”
Saying that experiences are better when they’re diverse, Seo Nakil’s face came to mind—how he’d waited anxiously until I drank the cappuccino topped with cocoa powder—and a hollow laugh escaped me.
Not just in this life, but even including my past life, you never once made that expression.
Why am I only realizing this now? Had I been avoiding it all along because I didn’t want to know? Even though doing so wouldn’t change your heart or make you suddenly miss me.
“The reason we’re breaking up isn’t only on my side, so even if my memories change, it won’t make a difference.”
“…”
“I’m not yours anymore, hyung.”
If I’d said this just two years earlier, would my ending have been a little less cold? As that thought occurred to me, a laugh slipped out.
As I stood up, Kwon Seonho urgently grabbed my arm. His unfamiliar face, distorted with dismay, was faintly revealed under the dim lighting.
“…You might not know.”
“…”
“Have we known each other our whole lives? No, right? You don’t have to know everything to date someone.”
“You can’t know everything. I don’t know much about you either, hyung… and I probably don’t know myself well either.”
Ironically, despite saying I disliked these foods, I didn’t know what should fill the space if all of this were cleared away. Perhaps I’d neglected myself because finding such things was bothersome, and so you didn’t look into me either.
“Not knowing isn’t the problem. The problem was not being curious.”
I said in a tired voice.
“Can I go now?”
My first love, left behind in that dark bar, was just like the first snow. That cold, white thing I saw for the first time in my life was so pretty that I watched it without even realizing my cheeks were freezing from the cold.
Even as I shook off the emotions that had melted messily with the passing season, I didn’t feel that relieved. It just felt uncomfortable, as if something that had melted wrong and become sticky kept pooling around my eyes.
I didn’t want to just blame Kwon Seonho for not being a good person. Of course, he wasn’t kind or affectionate to me, but if you think about it, I was the one who stubbornly persisted knowing that.
So I decided that this stinging feeling inside me would be my responsibility only until today.
—What’s the occasion? You’re actually calling first.
The impulsive call connected in an instant. Seo Nakil called my name as if he’d been waiting for my call.
—Han Ijae-ssi.
“Just… I suddenly wanted to hear your voice.”
I bit my lip to keep from speaking like I was whining.
“Is that strange?”
—I’d be happy.
After a brief silence, Seo Nakil asked.
—Did something happen?
“…No.”
—But it’s not ‘no.’
At the voice gently pressing me to quickly spill what was inside, as if urging me, I smiled softly.
“Really, just…”
Countless words hung on the tip of my tongue and tapped at my lips, then melted in my exhaled breath and scattered away into the spring breeze.
In the space that remained after everything disappeared like that, only a clumsily crafted, somewhat rough sincerity remained.
“I miss you.”
