I chewed over his words carefully.
Do I want to die?
I’m not sure. I had already thrown away my life with my own hands once before, but it wasn’t because of a burning desire that it absolutely had to be that way.
If anything, it was closer to a sense of duty than desire. I thought invisible hands pushed my back, and when I came to my senses, I had reached a dead end.
Things like unsavory rumors and the scars left by people, a bleak future, endlessly mounting debt, and suffocating pressure seemed to whisper that I had to do this.
Coincidentally, I came back in time, and most of the hands that had pushed me so mercilessly disappeared. So I thought there was no reason to choose death either—though I don’t know if I should call the only option a “choice.”
“Well… I don’t think there’s a reason for that.”
Seo Nakil said in a low voice.
“Then, if you had a reason to, would you die?”
“…”
“Let me ask the question again.”
Why was that? His black eyes looked exactly like they feared something.
“Han Ijae, do you want to live?”
I was silent for a moment. It was very sorry to him waiting in an uncomfortable position, but I found it difficult to grasp what to answer.
After moving my lips for a while, I asked.
“…Do you want to live?”
“…”
“What kind of sensation is wanting to live?”
“Well. It differs from person to person, but at least there exists some kind of plan or wish about how to live. You might feel joy or motivation in worrying about how to reach that destination safely, and if possible, quickly.”
The things he was saying sounded like stories from a distant world. They seemed grand and wonderful, but I didn’t think I could truly empathize.
Seeing my puzzled look, Seo Nakil smiled faintly.
“That’s my position. Ijae’s way might be different.”
After hesitating for a moment, he added.
“But even accounting for individual differences, you’re a bit more…”
A large hand approached. The mask came down in an instant, and my entire face was exposed defenseless before him.
“What do you think about getting counseling?”
“Suddenly?”
“It’s something I’ve wanted to say all along.”
“…Do you think I want to die?”
“Well. I’m not sure if you still think that way now, but…”
Seo Nakil’s fingertips, which had slid down, pressed firmly on the spot next to my nail where I’d torn a hangnail and managed to draw blood.
“Sometimes, no, actually often I catch bad signals.”
“…”
“Actions like not avoiding something even though you clearly know you’ll get hurt, or deliberately acting recklessly.”
“This was just tearing a hangnail though.”
“I’m talking about going to the agency alone or calling Kwon Seonho. It’s not like there were no other methods, but you don’t look around. Rather than not wanting anyone to help you, well. You don’t want to devote care to making yourself less hurt.”
My captured hand trembled slightly.
“You didn’t ask me anything when I appeared out of nowhere. If I had been set on harming you, you would have been helplessly subjected to it.”
But you won’t harm me. Those words welled up and then subsided.
Seo Nakil’s words were right. If he had deliberately acted badly, I would have just been subjected to it without even attempting to defend myself. More importantly, no matter how he acted, I wouldn’t have cared much.
“Watching you, I sometimes wonder if you actually want to disappear without anyone knowing.”
I thought that perhaps Seo Nakil might know me better than I know myself. Unlike me, who didn’t particularly want to look at myself like that, he was observing me with all his attention.
“If I get counseling, will I get better? I mean…”
The warmth seeping into the back of my hand stung strangely. A similar burning sensation was felt at the tips of my ears too.
Ah, I see. Realizing a small fact, I quietly lamented inwardly.
I was embarrassed. Afraid that he might view me badly like this.
“If I fix those mistakes you mentioned… then will I become less pathetic?”
“I don’t want to fix you.”
He gripped my hand a bit more firmly.
“You’re not wrong, you’re hurting.”
“…”
“I don’t find you pathetic, I find you heartbreaking.”
At his words to think about it slowly, I could neither nod nor shake my head. I just hurriedly stood up following him as he rose from his seat, and merely returned to the hotel with our clasped hands in his coat pocket.
Silence continued the whole way. I thought deeply to find the reason for the stinging I suddenly felt.
Seo Nakil had been considerate only of me all day, no, perhaps from the moment he intervened in my life. But why was I feeling this emotion? Just recognizing this undeserved pain felt like sinning against him.
My eyes stung and my fingertips tingled. When I just stood silently after arriving at the penthouse floor, Seo Nakil, who had taken off his coat, approached me and cupped my cheeks with both hands.
“Was I too harsh?”
“…You’re a kind person.”
I thought for a moment that I was sorry for speaking as if making excuses.
“I also think you’re a good person.”
“Even good people cause wounds.”
“…”
“Come here.”
I approached him hesitantly. When he wrapped his arm around my lower back and brought our upper bodies close, warm heat surrounded me as if protecting my body.
“I know that waiting at your pace is the best option.”
He said as if making excuses.
“It’s just… I was anxious. That you might go far away while I didn’t know, while I thought I let go for just a moment. So I need to hold onto you, but I’m afraid there might come a moment when I can’t.”
“…I’ll think about it.”
When I lightly touched my forehead to his shoulder, Seo Nakil stroked my head as if praising me.
“I can’t give you a definite answer right away.”
“That’s enough.”
In the embrace that continued for a long time, I felt a disappointment I didn’t even know existed gently melt away and disappear. It was a magical sensation.
When I came to my senses, the coat I’d been wearing had passed to his hands, and my feet were just crossing the threshold of the largest bedroom. Even though I knew there were other bedrooms in this spacious suite besides this one, I didn’t remind the owner of that fact.
It wasn’t because that room was cramped. It wasn’t because I hated feeling stuffy. It wasn’t because I considered it kindness to give me the best room.
It was just greed.
“…”
We lay facing each other. At first I was lying straight, but the problem was honestly answering Seo Nakil’s question asking if I normally slept that straight.
‘You’re always curled up in the morning.’
‘I’m used to sleeping curled up like a shrimp. It’s a bit more comfortable lying on my side.’
‘Then try lying facing this way.’
‘I think it’ll be awkward since it’s the first time lying facing you…’
‘It’s not the first time.’
His face glowed palely in the darkness. Following the smoothly drawn contours of his face and deeply sunken eyes with the edge of my vision, I kept imagining his expression that I couldn’t see properly hidden in the darkness.
The saying that models are people who show and actors are people who make you imagine suddenly came to mind. Seo Nakil was an actor too faithful to that expression.
“Should I turn the light back on?”
There was a faint hint of laughter in Seo Nakil’s voice.
“You’re looking too intently.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“I’m glad you’re looking, but I did lay you down to put you to sleep.”
When his touch brushed down my eyelids, complete darkness arrived. But it still seemed like Seo Nakil’s face was wavering before my eyes. It was because imagination wasn’t a sense that relied only on what was visible.
“I hope Ijae will want to live.”
My eyelashes buried in his palm trembled once.
“So I hope you’ll dream of more things or be more greedy.”
“…”
“If I’m being a bit more greedy, I want to see you laugh, overwhelmed with happiness too.”
The words falling from the tip of his tongue were like sugar craft made by bending and hardening very thin sugar. They seemed so beautiful and sweet that they felt like they weren’t a share allowed to me, so placing those words and me side by side felt like forcibly attaching puzzle pieces that didn’t belong together.
“It feels too far away.”
“Let’s go together.”
Seo Nakil whispered to me.
“I’ll show you the way.”
“…”
“I’ll catch you if you fall, and carry you if you say you can’t walk. I’ll clear away anything that troubles you…”
His words gently settled over my consciousness that was slowly sinking while complaining of fatigue.
“So come with me.”
Why did those words feel so tender? I laughed softly and replied as if sighing.
“…I think it would have been nice to have a real older brother like you.”
“I wonder.”
The hand playfully moving between my forehead, cheeks, ears, and hair made small rustling sounds. Because of that, I, who was drowsily dozing off, didn’t properly hear Seo Nakil’s answer.
“It’s not affection in such a pure sense.”
“…”
“Sweet dreams.”
