“You fell asleep again.”
Warm hands playfully tapped my nose and cheeks. Sensations like being tickled with feathers brushed my forehead, ears, and even my lips.
“This is why you’re exactly like Sleeping Beauty in the…”
The following words woke me completely. I urgently sat up and swayed. Perhaps because I got up too quickly, my vision spun around and around. Fortunately, Seo Nakil, who had approached close by, caught me.
Still, the fortunate thing was that I prevented him from finishing his words. Only after the dizziness passed could I open my mouth.
“You’re back.”
Perhaps he came right after filming, his outfit was a bit different from usual. The atmosphere looked completely different, perhaps because of the leather jacket and hair swept back to fully reveal his forehead.
His cologne was also different from usual. The smell of leather and heavy burnt scent hit me sharply.
As I was staring at him in a daze, Seo Nakil gently pressed my lower lip with his thumb.
“Say it one more time.”
It didn’t seem like he hadn’t heard. I blinked slowly and answered.
“…You’re back.”
The corners of his mouth lifted slightly upward. He looked very satisfied.
“Aren’t you bored? It seems like you didn’t do anything in the room all day.”
“Not really. I feel like there’s no time to be bored…”
Sleeping was throwing one’s soul into stillness. At least if you didn’t dream. Fortunately, I wasn’t the type to remember dreams in such detail.
Time that felt painfully slow passed quickly when I closed my eyes and opened them. It seemed like I wanted to live like crossing stepping stones if I could.
When my eyes still slowly closed and opened, he stared down at my face.
“Are you unbearably sleepy? Like sleep pours down so crazily that you absolutely can’t refuse it, or you come to your senses and find you’ve fallen asleep?”
“No.”
“You haven’t missed anything or failed to do something because of sleeping?”
“Not really.”
It seemed like he was asking out of concern, but did I answer too bluntly? After pondering for a moment, I added.
“I slept because there wasn’t anything I particularly wanted to do. When I sleep, I can rest quietly and I’m not tired…”
I said it wanting to explain in my own way, but Seo Nakil’s expression didn’t brighten much. Seo Nakil, who had been touching his chin with a somewhat serious expression, suddenly lifted me up. He gripped my waist with both hands and lifted me upright, then didn’t let go right away in case I might sway, waiting for a moment while supporting the back of my neck.
“Then shall we go out? If you have something you want to do, you don’t have to sleep.”
“…”
“Let’s eat dinner outside.”
The sky visible behind him had already darkened. Well, if he came right after finishing filming, he probably couldn’t have eaten a proper meal either.
“Are we going to that restaurant we went to before?”
“No.”
Seo Nakil, who had let me go, rummaged through a shopping bag left on the sofa. Soon a black hat was plopped onto my head.
“You seemed a bit uncomfortable there. This time I thought I’d take you somewhere you can eat more comfortably.”
“Comfortably…”
“You can walk, right?”
***
“Here?”
The place he took me wasn’t a restaurant with a night view, nor a famous restaurant where you’d have to stand in line to eat.
20 minutes by taxi from the hotel. Even after getting out, we had to walk a bit up a hill and then slip between apartment complexes to see a shabby pojangmacha—that was today’s destination.
Seo Nakil nonchalantly lifted the tent flap that served as an entrance.
“It’s an old place, but the skill is good. There are fewer people compared to the taste too.”
As he said, the plastic tables were sparsely filled. When we settled into an appropriate spot and sat down, the owner with a blunt expression approached and asked.
“How many?”
“Two, please. Make one less spicy.”
When I looked at Seo Nakil with a puzzled gaze, he leaned his head down slightly and whispered as if telling a great secret.
“This place only has one menu item.”
Soon two bowls of warm, steaming udon came out. The noodles were a bit thin for udon, which was curious, but according to him, pojangmacha often use these kinds of udon noodles.
I lowered my mask and carefully tried the broth following him. It tasted exactly as it looked, so it wasn’t so amazing that my eyes widened in surprise.
Still, it was warm.
“The first time I came was about 15 years ago.”
I carefully placed a strand of noodles on my spoon while listening to him.
“It must have been on the way back from an uncomfortable occasion. Perhaps because I hadn’t eaten anything all day, the way home felt so long. Even when I asked if there was a decent restaurant nearby, maybe because it was late, there wasn’t anything suitable.”
He switched my water glass with his. His large hand fiddled with the empty glass.
“Then I was recommended this place. The driver let me off, saying it was a place neighborhood residents stopped by and it was pretty good. I just thought if I could fill my stomach, that would be enough, but I remember it was good enough to make that thought meaningless.”
“…”
“I’ve come often since then. CEO Seon became a regular too.”
After swallowing what was in my mouth, I answered.
“It’s delicious. I think I’ll remember it often too.”
“Then shall we come again next time?”
I rolled the words Seo Nakil said on my tongue. Next time. A word that sparkled unrealistically like a piece plucked right out of a fairy tale.
“I hope so.”
To my ambiguous answer, he returned a confident reply.
“That’s how it will be.”
After finishing the meal, we walked side by side for a while. We went past the apartment complex into an alley lined with small eateries and clothing stores.
Seeing a store where kids who’d finished academy were lining up, Seo Nakil led me in that direction. He remained nonchalant throughout despite my flustered reaction about what if people recognized us.
“So what if they recognize you? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
While I froze stiff at those words, Seo Nakil led me as if it was nothing. His outstretched arm wrapped around my shoulder, then tapped my cheek and pulled up the mask that had been hanging on my chin.
In the end, we bought ice cream while trying to play it cool among students who kept glancing at two men.
“This is strange.”
“What’s strange?”
When I said that while sitting on a bench, Seo Nakil asked while feeding me a bite of his ice cream.
“Just… You seemed far removed from this kind of everyday life.”
“Why? I must have looked like I solve breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the hotel and buy everything at the department store.”
That’s exactly how I saw it. In the first place, living like that seemed too natural for him. The place he was staying was a penthouse in a 5-star hotel in prime Seoul real estate, after all.
“It’s not wrong. I was born with more than others and lived enjoying it sufficiently. That doesn’t mean every moment was as splendid and luxurious as something out of a drama or movie.”
“For example?”
“I’ve tried street food, and after school I went to arcades with kids my age. I’ve had the complexes everyone supposedly has, and been serious all day over trivial worries too.”
Seo Nakil eating street food and engrossed in arcade zombie games. Seo Nakil judging himself as lacking something or falling into worries. These were images that didn’t match him now at all.
Following his gaze, I slightly lifted my ice cream.
“Would you like to try a bite?”
Then Seo Nakil lowered his head. After cleanly taking a bite, he slowly licked his lips.
“That one’s delicious.”
It’s just ordinary strawberry flavor though. No matter how much he said not every moment was luxurious, to his palate it was just a common ice cream.
“Should I switch with you?”
“Then it would lose its meaning.”
In the end, I fed him three or four more bites and received bites of black tea-flavored ice cream he offered in return. I didn’t know what difference it made from switching, but since he looked satisfied anyway, I decided to let it go.
While Seo Nakil went to find a trash can, I fidgeted with my hands resting on my knees. Even though there weren’t many people, it wasn’t like there was no one, so I naturally looked around. When I was with him I was fine, but I wonder if I became anxious just because we’d been apart for a few minutes.
As I was tearing at a hangnail beside my nail and swallowing the strange feeling welling up, my view darkened. Seo Nakil, who had returned before I knew it, was standing tall in front of me.
Was it because he was at least a span taller than others and had broad shoulders? He was exactly like a huge barrier. Or perhaps like a tree said to have lived a thousand years.
Is that why? It seemed like any wind and rain would be rendered meaningless if I hid behind him.
“Han Ijae.”
My eye level changed. He bent down and knelt on one knee on the ground. Just like that, he took my hand, placed it on his opposite upright knee, overlapped his palm on the back of my hand, then moved it slightly.
His fingertips brushed the skin where I felt a stinging pain.
“I want to ask you something.”
He’d asked me questions many times. But strangely, the weight of this question seemed different. I swallowed dry saliva and waited for the next words.
Soon his words fell heavily at my ear.
“Do you want to die?”
