Ahn Haesol came as soon as he got the call.
He arrived looking pleased and asked me the moment he saw me if anything had come to mind about him.
Surprisingly, he didn’t seem too disappointed even when I shook my head. On the contrary, he seemed grateful that I’d wanted to call him despite everything.
“I guess I didn’t come across as a strange person.”
“Not at all. Who would think that about you, hyung?”
“I’m honored. I should live a good life.”
Haesol set down what he’d brought on the table.
“A get-well gift. Last time I was too flustered and came empty-handed, but I couldn’t do that again.”
It was quite a sensible remark. The face of someone who had come empty-handed all three times flickered briefly in my mind before scattering.
“It’s cranberry juice. You used to like it—I wonder if you remember.”
“…Me?”
It was the first time I’d heard this. The small juice bottle Haesol handed me did look familiar, but I had no memory of buying it myself.
‘Though I think I would’ve chosen this one if there were several types…’
When I hesitantly tasted the juice, the sweet and sour flavor burst on the tip of my tongue.
It was a strange thing. When I’d eaten the lunch box earlier, even using chopsticks and chewing and swallowing food had felt cumbersome, but now the juice bottle was empty in the blink of an eye.
“Your taste is the same.”
Haesol showed a relieved expression, then took the empty bottle and pressed a new one into my hand.
“About losing your memory. Did they find the cause?”
“Only speculation.”
I said with my lower lip against the bottle opening.
“It could be from stress, or it could be from hitting my head when I collapsed.”
“…”
“It’s not serious, so don’t worry too much.”
“I hope so.”
Haesol said in a careful voice.
“I saw the article. For now it’s being reported as simple overwork. So Seonho will be covering your schedule for a while.”
“That’s right.”
“Your memory needs to come back before your next activities…”
He was extremely serious, as if it were his own problem.
“After hearing about it last time, I was worried so I looked into various things. They say permanent loss is really rare. Sometimes it comes back suddenly, or it gradually recovers through some trigger.”
So don’t worry. That’s what Haesol seemed to want to say.
“Time will heal it.”
At those words, my hand that had been fiddling with the bottle stopped abruptly.
Would it really? Waiting had never brought me any reward.
“Hey, Haesol hyung. Are you doing well at Arcus?”
“Hm? Yeah. I’m doing well. The kids are nice and it’s fun. I even feel like I’ve finally found my place.”
Come to think of it, today was the day when Haesol and I were closest in all my living days. From here on, we would only grow distant as our respective activities got busy and all sorts of scandals broke out.
That’s why I wanted to ask. Just this once, I wanted to hear his answer directly.
“Then, do you think you’re glad it’s not Starium?”
“…”
“I saw you crying. On broadcast. That image keeps lingering… so I wanted to ask.”
“Well…”
After hesitating briefly, Haesol answered calmly.
“I think that’s not something we can choose. Me and Starium just weren’t meant to be, that’s all.”
“…”
“Being sad then was unavoidable. It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t disappointed, right? I tried hard because I wanted to do well, and I felt like I didn’t do well enough. But that’s as far as it goes. I don’t regret it.”
Did that mean he wasn’t sad anymore? It seemed so. Haesol’s smile looked comfortable.
“Being fortunate, and being unfortunate—those are judgments made in the moment.”
“Does that mean they’re meaningless because they’re just momentary?”
“No. They’re real, and they have meaning. It’s just that they’re not everything.”
To me looking puzzled, Haesol said in a gentle voice.
“Ijae. Where we’re standing is just one point in life. We won’t live here forever.”
“…”
“After accepting that fact, I felt much more at ease. So I hope you can understand this too.”
“I’ll try.”
“Thanks for calling me today. Can I contact you often?”
I licked my dry lips and gathered courage to answer.
“I will too…”
“…”
“I’ll check in on you first too.”
Haesol seemed to want to stay longer, but his constantly ringing phone eventually made him get up.
The screen I glimpsed showed the words ‘Troublemaker.’ Noticing my gaze, Haesol explained that it was Ha Pilje, one of his members.
“Let’s have dinner with my kids sometime. They’re all around your age. They’re all nice so you’ll get along well.”
“Even that trouble… Pilje too?”
“Being a bit loud is his flaw, but well. I’ll go. Take care of yourself, and if you remember anything, feel free to contact me anytime.”
“I will.”
I whispered quietly to Haesol’s disappearing back.
I’m sorry, hyung. The truth is, I remember everything.
You said that misfortune is just momentary, that it’s genuine but not everything. But what if misfortune continues, and continues, and keeps trailing on until it completely blocks up all my remaining life?
Would misfortune still be just momentary then?
I burrowed into the blankets as if hiding. I must have fallen asleep before sunset, exhausted even though this could hardly be called a schedule.
I slept a long sleep until early morning. I think I woke up a few times in between, but I didn’t get up. Because even if I got up at that late hour, there was nothing I had to do or wanted to do.
Then I had a dream.
Something soft as a gentle breeze stroked my hair. What carefully brushed against me would occasionally lift away but never go far.
The touch that stayed quietly like that seemed to wander from my hair to my forehead, from my forehead to my cheek, briefly roaming around my relaxed lips and coolly chilled ears.
Even though I couldn’t see anything, I realized—no, I was certain—that the owner of that touch was Seo Nakil. It was definitely Seo Nakil.
“Ijae.”
It seemed like a voice calling me affectionately, just like on the rooftop garden, flew into my ear. It was truly a dreamlike whisper.
Was that why? Even after waking up, I was dazed for a long while.
“It’s been a while since I had a good dream…”
When I touched the slightly wrinkled sheets near my pillow, I felt a faint warmth. Was it because the weather had gotten warmer as spring approached?
Time passed sluggishly like that.
People didn’t blame me for things I hadn’t done, and strangers I’d never met were reasonably kind to me.
Time neither pushed nor rushed me, and I realized for the first time in a long while just how quiet a world without pointing fingers was.
And then came discharge day.
—No matter how much you didn’t want to worry me, this kid. Why did you contact me so late?
At Mother’s scolding, I smiled slightly and tilted my head. Through the phone came noisy chatter flowing in together. With lunch time approaching, there seemed to be quite a few customers coming to eat.
—You’re not seriously ill anywhere, are you?
“I’m fine. It was just overwork, so I just got various tests done while I was at it.”
After hesitating, I pressed my lips together then opened them again.
“So, Mom. I’m thinking of taking a break from activities for a bit…”
—Rest? You? That’s unusual. You used to say you wanted to do anything even if it meant pushing yourself.
“…”
—Well, I guess it’s time for you to rest. That’s right, thinking of your father too. Health is so hard to get back once you lose it.
I smiled awkwardly and fiddled with my clothes. The soft texture tickled my fingertips.
—But, son. Weren’t you living in the same dorm as those Starium members?
“I was.”
—Even if you stop activities, can you keep living there? Where will you live?
“Uh…”
What happened after I left as if being kicked out? I went to a nearby real estate office and asked to see the cheapest place. I wasn’t even in a position to be picky, so there was little sunlight and the water pressure was weak.
Even if it was a single room that was cold both morning and night, there was no choice. Just being able to block the wind and rain made even that feel excessive.
Maybe now I could find a slightly better place than that. Since I could probably find a normal part-time job.
I was thinking that when—
—Ijae. Want to live together with us?
