The position of being a rookie was truly precarious. The entertainment industry, where one could gain popularity in an instant but perhaps fall even faster than that, was no different from a jungle of the survival of the fittest. Moreover, if one appeared like a comet and even shook up the market, it was natural for everyone’s attention to be drawn there.
This year it would be the Rookie Award, but next year it would be the Grand Prize.
Evan turned his stiff neck and stared at the flashy stage with indifferent eyes. Tedious and tiresome. The only reason he was here was because of Siwoo, whose eyes sparkled with admiration as he looked at that place and cheered.
“Ah…! Hyung, I think I’m going to go crazy. The one after next is our stage. What do I do, I think my heart’s going to burst.”
“Even when you speak. What do you mean your heart is going to burst?”
“Then what should I say when it feels like my heart’s going to burst?”
At the conversation between Sangjun and Yechan heard from the side, Evan’s hand slowly stroked Siwoo’s back. Since the music award started, Siwoo’s clear eyes, which hadn’t even properly given him a glance, turned toward him. His lips, which the makeup team had carefully worked on, shone red.
The plump, red lips moved and the mouth shape saying ‘why’ completely entered his vision. His gaze fixed on the lips that came a bit closer, wondering if it was strange that he called him but didn’t do or say anything, and said ‘why?’ again.
I want to kiss him.
At the simple yet strong impulse, Evan touched the watch he was wearing on his left hand with his right hand. Perhaps thinking it wasn’t an intention to call or speak to him but just a stroke, Siwoo didn’t ask further and turned his gaze back to the stage.
Evan closed his eyes, slowly breathed in, and swallowed the saliva pooled in his mouth. Siwoo’s pheromones had definitely gotten stronger. It was common for them to get stronger or lighter depending on the situation or mood, but harboring such blatant emotions wasn’t easily understood.
Moreover, Siwoo was currently not receiving any sexual stimulation. Rather, he was brightly and happily enjoying the music award. What if the problem wasn’t with Siwoo but with himself? There was only one case where one could be stimulated like this by another’s pheromones.
Since it was soon their turn to go on stage, Evan’s gaze continued to reach Siwoo as he moved according to the staff’s gestures.
A camera was separately attached to capture Ocean’s every move up to below the stage, and Evan, who stood behind the members who were joking around and making a fuss saying they were nervous, didn’t say anything.
Even showing such nervous appearances, once they went up on the main stage, they were professionals who would do everything perfectly. If that weren’t the case, he wouldn’t have formed such a team. Only after seeing Siwoo and Chan interlacing their fingers and spinning round and round next to him, saying they were relieving tension, did his stiff face relax a bit.
Songs they’d heard and sung countless times. Dances they’d repeated hundreds, no, thousands of times. This time, with Siwoo becoming the main, the movements and choreography had changed, but since the basic motions were the same, there was no difficulty. Even if the head doesn’t remember, the body remembers.
There were no mistakes. The stage was perfect and the fans’ response was good.
Even at Myunghun’s touch tapping his shoulder, saying in crude terms they’d torn up the stage, Evan’s gaze was on Siwoo.
Hair wet with sweat and reddened cheeks. Even though he was breathing heavily from exhaustion, his face was full of exhilaration. All these processes that were stale to him would be firsts for Siwoo. First stage, first awards ceremony. First… First… First…. So he could be that excited, could be that happy.
“Are you not feeling well?”
Evan, who had been standing blankly while receiving the coordinator’s touch wiping his sweat and fixing his disheveled clothes, slowly turned his head only after hearing Sangjun’s voice.
“It’s not me…”
“Hm?”
When Evan spoke in a serious voice in a situation where everyone was happy and joyful, Sangjun’s expression also gradually stiffened. It was because the conversation they had in the tent not long ago came to mind. Soon his eyes hurriedly searched for Siwoo.
But no. The excited Siwoo was showing the moves he did on stage and fooling around with Yechan.
Siwoo seemed to have no problems, but if it wasn’t him who was the problem…? Sangjun, looking at Evan again, clicked his tongue. But that couldn’t be, even this morning the alphas had taken their medicine, and Siwoo too had swallowed the herbal medicine half-crying, shuddering asking how long he had to take this.
“It’s not now. Not yet, and I’m not certain either. Anyway, I’m hoping it’s not in the current situation.”
Sangjun, who heard Evan’s low voice whispering quietly so the staff wouldn’t hear, quickly shook his head. At his rambling words, he wanted to ask what happened in a quiet place, but there was no such place.
Since the music award had already progressed more than a third, it was an event that would end in a couple of hours.
“It won’t happen. I’m just overreacting.”
As if he hadn’t stiffened his expression and spoken in a serious voice, Sangjun’s expression watching Evan’s back as he soon grinned and tapped his shoulder before passing by couldn’t brighten.
The official music award would end in a couple of hours, but after that there would be a light after-party too, and they had to return to the hotel and do a brief live broadcast as well. They had to announce that this was the last official activity, and the schedule remaining for today was not easy.
* * *
“That’s nice.”
Siwoo, who finished the stage without mistakes and returned to the artist seats, muttered to himself while watching the awards ceremony that continued.
“What is?”
“Receiving an award.”
At Sangjun’s words asking back, having heard the muttering, Siwoo shrugged his shoulders. Human greed has no end, there was a time when participating in a music award and sitting in the artist seats like this was a dream. But actually participating like this, he still wanted to receive at least one award.
What would that feel like?
It was also the first time performing on stage in front of this many people. At most, the places he’d stood were music show stages or, later on, going round and round to small event venues in the provinces.
Honestly, even now he couldn’t feel real about what state of mind he was sitting here in. Everything felt like a dream. From the popular singers sitting right in front and behind, next to him, to the continuous cheers of people. Even the actors wearing neat suits and beautiful dresses hosting or presenting awards.
Things he’d only seen on TV had all become reality.
Even if he regressed again at this moment, he felt like he could live a new life again without regret. Living round and round for a lifetime, taking out and looking at this moment again and again, adding a memory of receiving an award to that would be even better.
Right now, Siwoo was watching a video organizing the Rookie Award nominees. Of course, Ocean’s name was also up there, but looking at the list of such formidable rookies, it felt like a pie in the sky.
Soon the video ended and even while watching them open the envelope with the winner written on it, Siwoo just wiggled his toes without expectation.
If possible, it would be good if someone he knew received it, so Phantom would be good. Thinking that, Siwoo looked toward Phantom and grinned seeing Louis with both hands clasped tightly. It’s when he’s pure. When he’s cute.
However, seeing the camera approach closely as if there was definitely a winner on this side, he unknowingly tilted his head in wonder.
The moment he thought why the camera is coming this way, simultaneously hearing the word “Ocean!”, Siwoo slowly blinked his eyes. Following the cheers and applause, even while seeing Sangjun hyung sitting next to him stand up, he couldn’t rashly move.
“Wow! Wow!”
Only after seeing the large Yechan jumping up and down, and Chan hyung bowing to the surroundings, did Siwoo slowly raise his body.
“You have to go receive the award.”
Siwoo, who was unconsciously bowing his waist toward the surroundings, quickly raised his head at the touch reaching his back. Evan, who gave a gentle smile, looked down at him, and at the force of his hand supporting his back, he inadvertently took steps together.
Going up the steps in front, Siwoo bit his lower lip slightly rolled in. Because someone grabbed his arm and led him, he went that way, and because they stopped, he stopped. At the same time, his vision kept blurring.
Yechan was holding a bouquet and smiling brightly, and in Chan hyung’s hand was the Rookie Award trophy. Evan was making a subtle smile, but his chest ached and heat rushed to his eyes. He should say thank you, should smile brightly.
His voice wouldn’t come out.
He tried to hold it in, but the heat gathered around his eyes eventually became drops and flowed down his cheeks. He shouldn’t show this appearance, lowering his head to hide the tears while bowing his waist to greet.
The words “Thank you” circled in his mouth but didn’t come out. What should I do? What should I do? Siwoo’s hand trying to wipe the flowing tears stopped in midair. He couldn’t even pull his sleeve to wipe them.
When he was very immature, if he were to receive an award, he’d do it like this, do it like that, he had thought so many things. He’d even practiced an acceptance speech.
But he had no idea. That it would feel like this. A feeling that can’t be described in words. Sadness and joy coexisted, and the time repeated countless times over the years circled in his head.
While listening to Chan hyung’s voice full of trembling, Siwoo took a deep breath. Following Chan hyung, Evan’s voice was heard. Then Sangjun hyung’s voice followed.
“Fool. It’s a good day, why are you crying?”
At Evan’s clear voice heard in his ear, Siwoo’s head that had been lowered until now slightly raised. And following the voice, Siwoo looked up at Evan standing behind him.
He knew he was originally indifferent, but emotions that seemed to contain no trembling, no joy, no sadness, perhaps nothing at all came rushing in. And this was surely not his own but Evan’s. The swirling emotions gradually found stability.
“You’re pretty even when you cry, but you have to show your face to the fans.”
Evan’s large hand full of warmth came and gently wiped Siwoo’s wet cheeks. And when his fingertips pointed to the audience seats, Siwoo’s face naturally moved following him. Following Sangjun hyung’s voice, this time Yechan’s voice was heard, first letting out a loud cheer before anything else.
A faint smile bloomed on Siwoo’s face, which had been tightly biting his lower lip rolled in to hold back tears until now. This was right, something to be happy about. There was no reason to be trapped in a past where he only wandered.
He was living this moment right now. Under the name Ocean. Living right now, sharing joys and sorrows with the members standing on this stage together, with Evan who had become the most reliable faith for him.
Light returned to Siwoo’s wet eyes, and his lips that had become deeply red from biting tightly curved up in a gentle arc. Strength left the fists he’d been clenching, not knowing what to do.
“They say if you cry then laugh, horns grow on your butt…”
The moment Evan’s playful voice seeped into Siwoo’s ear again, who had barely found his smile, Siwoo unknowingly laughed out loud. Only after Evan’s hand stroked Siwoo’s curly back hair, lightly grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, could Siwoo properly see the audience seats.
“You have to say something too.”
When Evan whispered again, as if Yechan had also finished his remarks, Siwoo was already standing in front of the microphone. And although he didn’t know who had handed it to him, Siwoo was holding the heavy trophy with both hands.
“Thank you…”
He barely got out one word, but his throat choked up again. Thinking tears would come again, Siwoo quickly closed his mouth then stuck out the tip of his tongue to wet his parched lips.
“And I love you.”
Because there was so much he wanted to say, there was nothing he could say instead. From family to fans, members, staff, numerous people came to mind simultaneously, and he ended up shedding tears again.
He didn’t know who it was. Again one of the members embraced his shoulder and led him off the stage, so Siwoo moved his body as is.
