“What do you mean, the taste of someone younger…”
Seo-an let out another chuckle and pushed Hae-won’s face away with a light touch.
“You really make it so I can’t help but be weak for you.”
The words that burst out unexpectedly were probably the truth he’d been holding down all this time. Hae-won didn’t resist and straightened his head that had been pushed back, smiling. The smile that bloomed on his pretty face was more brilliant than usual.
“Yes, and when Hyung says things like that, it makes me want to keep teasing you.”
At the added words, Seo-an ended up laughing heartily as well.
One glass, two glasses. The speed at which the glasses emptied was fast.
Seo-an, who had been passive at first as if he’d only drink a little, gradually picked up speed and began to melt into the atmosphere.
It wasn’t particularly special conversation. The two people sharing their daily lives exchanged ordinary conversations that didn’t have much substance. What Seo-an talked about was mainly related to work, and Hae-won told him what he did at home.
Since he had no intention of joining a company yet and was enjoying his unemployed life, he’d recently gotten into some mobile game, and he said he held a fairly important position in that mobile game. Seo-an couldn’t relate to whether it was that important, but Hae-won, saying incomprehensible things, showed quite a serious expression.
As they talked and laughed like that, the conversation naturally flowed to reminiscing about their college days. Seo-an, pushing aside the memories that were gradually occupying his mind and expanding their territory, let out an “Ah!” and looked for his phone.
“Want to see photos of Ji-yu?”
Since the point of connection between them was Ji-yu anyway, it was an attempt to change the subject. When talk of college came up, he would melt helplessly, and the quick-witted Hae-won never missed that.
“Ji-yu? Did photos come?”
“Yeah, look who she resembles.”
Seo-an showed Hae-won his phone with a pleasant laugh, enjoying the buzz from the alcohol. On the screen were several photos of Ji-yu that the daycare had sent.
A soft smile bloomed on Hae-won’s lips as he looked at them. He spread his fingers to zoom in and look, and at his action of stroking Ji-yu’s head on the screen as if she was utterly adorable, Seo-an likewise smiled brightly and tilted back his glass.
“Ji-yu seems to have a really good personality. She’s in the center of every photo.”
“Right? I don’t know who she takes after. I wasn’t like that.”
“You weren’t?”
Hae-won looked at Seo-an, blinking as if to say, ‘What are you talking about?’ And Seo-an looked at such a Hae-won while likewise blinking slowly.
Not only did he not like taking photos, but even when someone suggested taking photos, he’d usually back out. So what did he mean ‘you weren’t’? He couldn’t help but be flustered at Hae-won speaking as if he knew him better than he knew himself after living nearly 30 years.
“Hyung was always in the center though?”
“Me?”
That can’t be.
Besides, they hadn’t taken photos together many times. When he looked at him as if to say ‘What dream are you having?’, Hae-won rummaged through his pocket as if to say ‘Just wait.’ What he pulled out was, as expected, his phone. He seemed to be searching for something, scrolling down several times, then finally showed him some photos.
“Look at this.”
In the photo, Seo-an was really in the very center. The strange thing was that even when he thought ‘That can’t be’ and flipped through them quickly, he was in the center in all of them. As if only such photos had been collected.
…Was I like this? Unable to remember, he tilted his head in wonder when he came across a photo and Seo-an let out a delighted exclamation.
“Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve seen this.”
Laughter burst out as soon as he saw the photo from his younger days.
It wasn’t a life with many things to laugh about, but when he was with Hae-won, there were unusually many days of laughter. Was it because Hae-won spoke strangely? Being with him was fun, and whatever he said was funny even if it was nothing special.
In the photo he looked at closely, they had their arms around each other’s shoulders, looking at the camera and laughing more happily than ever. Perhaps slightly tipsy, he was leaning his head on Hae-won’s shoulder. He looked comfortable like peers, as if he had no worries or concerns at all.
That looked inexplicably nice.
Seo-an smiled without realizing it, recalling the old memories that rose softly like clouds. He couldn’t distinguish whether the ticklish feeling somewhere in his chest was due to emotions he hadn’t sorted out yet, or whether he missed those times.
Ah, is that what it is?
While he was thinking that, Hae-won came right next to him and looked at the screen together, then laughed heartily and said.
“At this time, Hyung was really completely drunk.”
At the words he heard, Seo-an immediately hardened his expression.
“Me?”
It wasn’t something he remembered.
When Seo-an opened his eyes wide and looked at Hae-won, Hae-won clicked his tongue and shook his head.
“Why is your memory like this, is living in the world okay?”
“…No, I really don’t remember anything. At this time, you were drunk and I—”
Seo-an, who had been speaking decisively with a firm tone, suddenly shut his mouth.
The afterimage of that day vividly rose in his mind. They both liked alcohol and drank well, so they always stuck together and drank. On the festival day in the photo too, they’d gone around all sorts of bars drinking.
His part-time job pay had just come in, and his hyung had also given him spending money, saying he’d received an incentive at work and telling him to hang out with friends at the festival and buy them drinks. It was something his hyung said knowing well that he was the type to always mooch off others, and his hyung also knew that person was Hae-won.
So he’d been in a very good mood. There were jabs from their department friends saying ‘Are you two going to stick together even during the festival?’, but he was in such a good mood he didn’t even hear such words.
Right, he’d been in a good mood, so there was no way he’d gotten drunk.
“Was I really drunk?”
It was just that the next morning when he woke up, it was clear that the place he opened his eyes wasn’t home but on Hae-won’s bed. No, he didn’t have memories, so did that mean he was drunk? But it didn’t seem like he’d made a fool of himself…
The moment he thought.
“Ah.”
Seo-an’s cheeks began to flush red.
“Did you remember?”
“Hey, you said you wouldn’t talk about that.”
Seo-an pushed Hae-won’s shoulder in embarrassment. Awkwardness crossed the face of Seo-an, who had been plucking at the cold kimchi pancake scraps.
It was an unprecedentedly drunk day. It was also the first time in his life that he’d blacked out, but from what he’d heard from friends later, they didn’t even know he was drunk because he didn’t repeat the same words and his complexion didn’t change, but the moment he tried to get up, he said he’d sleep lying on the floor.
The one who dealt with that was Yeon Hae-won.
Hae-won, who had taken Seo-an out of the festival grounds saying he’d take him home, had gone straight to his own place. And at that time…
“……”
Seo-an bit his lips tightly.
That was probably his first kiss. He didn’t know about Hae-won, but for him it was his first kiss in life, and he had no memory of kissing anyone else after that.
Seo-an didn’t know where to put his eyes and rolled his gaze around. For some reason, the atmosphere that had been comfortable until just now became awkward in an instant.
…It wasn’t that he disliked it. To be precise, the memory of that time stirred up his chest again, making his breathing a bit difficult.
“You remembered everything. Yes, I remembered. Right, you remembered. With this much, living in the world isn’t too bad, right?”
Hae-won propped his chin and smiled gently, playfully speaking continuously. That voice seemed to not just circle his ears but dig inside, so Seo-an ended up bowing his head deeply.
“We’re drinking anyway, and since it came up, I have a lot of things I’m curious about, can I ask?”
It’s not like my consent matters for the questions anyway.
When he didn’t give any answer and just kept silent, Hae-won, who had closed the distance a bit more, tapped his own cheek with the hand propping his chin and urged an answer, saying “Yes?”
“I’ll take silence as agreement.”
Though Hae-won urged an answer once more, Seo-an continued to maintain his silence.
I just want to pass out.
When he recalled the kiss with him, his heart pounded helplessly, and this time was no different. This also meant that the feelings he had for him hadn’t subsided.
Seo-an didn’t want to dwell on those feelings. So when he deliberately avoided his eyes and looked elsewhere, Hae-won called “Hyung” again. As if to say look at me. Seo-an reluctantly placed his gaze on him.
Unfortunately, his seat was close to the lighting. Perhaps because of that, his already brilliant and pretty face came into view even more clearly. His mouth seemed to go completely dry.
“I understand that it wasn’t Hyung who got married. Then why couldn’t I contact you? I was already sensitive because you went off the radar, and on top of that, Gong Se-hyeok says ‘Seo-an sunbae got married,’ so who else could I have thought of besides Hyung?”
The voice buried in absurd laughter ended in a sigh. Seo-an silently met Hae-won’s gaze.
In the quietly exchanged gazes, various emotions were bound to be entangled. Among them, what was certain was Hae-won’s emotion revealed without hiding.
Hae-won was looking at Seo-an with the same gaze he’d shown in his younger days. He wanted to run away, but the gaze looking straight at him rather made it so Seo-an couldn’t do anything.
My hyung died. I couldn’t contact you because I was dealing with that.
Even though it was something he could say simply, was it stubbornness or fear that kept him from finally saying it out loud?
