It was because of Yeon Hae-won asking shamelessly right in front of his face without beating around the bush.
Seo-an bit his lower lip slightly. The stare piercing straight through was so blatant that Seo-an felt as if his breath was being cut off instead.
“Good, my ass…”
Forcing a reply, he closed the notebook. He put it in the bag he had placed beside him and held the opposite hand that wasn’t clasped with Hae-won’s so Ji-yu could sit next to him.
“Ji-yu, what do you want to eat?”
He deliberately asked without even giving a glance toward Hae-won. Even though he turned his body completely toward the child and perfectly blocked his line of sight, Hae-won’s gaze sitting across from him with his chin propped up could be felt so clearly that it was troublesome.
“Mm, daddy. Daddy, your ears are red—”
In the end, Seo-an completely bit down on his lips.
The moment the unknowing child’s small hand touched his ear, Seo-an, who realized that hand was cold, felt hot heat rising to his face.
Only a low laugh could be heard from close by. It felt like all the sensations he had tried hard to forget and barely dulled were all coming back to life and struggling fiercely.
03.
“So why are you coming to my house as if it’s a given…”
Seo-an looked at Hae-won with an incredulous expression.
They had eaten dinner together, and since there was no longer any need to watch the child, he could just go home, but Hae-won accompanied him to Seo-an’s house as naturally as if it were his own.
But Hae-won had an expression that said what’s wrong with that? While doing so, he glanced at Ji-yu who was sleeping in his arms. As if asking would I just leave when the child is in my arms?, the way he wiggled his eyebrows was utterly cunning.
“You can just give her to me and go.”
“Why is a person’s sense of responsibility like that?”
What is he talking about now? He wondered if they really needed to discuss responsibility over such a trivial matter, but now he seemed to understand what Hae-won was thinking when he said such things. Anyway, where and what did he hear to have such a misunderstanding?
Too tired to go into a long explanation, Seo-an gave up responding and loosened his necktie. As soon as he took off his suit jacket and hung it on the sofa, Hae-won clicked his tongue and grabbed the jacket. The child was already laid down neatly on the sofa in the meantime.
“You need to hang stuff like this up right away. If you get into this habit, it just makes the house messier.”
“I should go to your place sometime.”
“Why?”
“To see just how clean your place is.”
“You think I’m like you, hyung?”
Hae-won kept acting prickly, but it wasn’t entirely sharp. Seo-an continued to take off his shirt, whatever Hae-won said, as if telling him to do as he pleased.
“I’m going to shower, so leave on your own.”
“I’m going to shower too.”
“No, why are you doing this at my place when you have a perfectly good house? It’s not like your house is far.”
Seo-an, who had been about to ignore him and enter the bathroom, stopped dead and retorted.
It would be a lie to say he wasn’t uncomfortable with Hae-won closing the distance without hesitation. Old feelings were old feelings, and there was the current situation now, so for Seo-an who wanted to focus on the present, the connection from the past that kept approaching was very difficult.
So when he firmly frowned, Hae-won paused for a moment and laughed as if feeling deflated.
“Do you hate it that much?”
“No, it’s not that I hate it…”
“That’s really disappointing.”
Hae-won said with a snicker. Then, saying he would leave, he grabbed the outer clothing he had briefly taken off.
But Hae-won is helping every time, so was I too cold… Even though he regretted it belatedly, Hae-won had already left through the entrance. Seo-an, who bit his lower lip slightly, returned to the living room with an uncomfortable feeling.
On the sofa was the child lying quietly asleep, and on the coat rack next to the sofa was his suit jacket that Hae-won had hung up.
“Mm…”
Ah, this is uncomfortable.
Seo-an closed his eyes briefly then opened them, breathing uncomfortably. Being prickly like this from the start was a habit that popped out before he even recognized it himself. Thinking every time that he shouldn’t be like this and regretting it belatedly, the reason he couldn’t easily fix it was because he had lived defending himself for so long.
Seo-an let out a sigh and scratched his eyebrow.
He couldn’t deny that things that would have been nothing with other people drew his attention particularly strongly when Hae-won was involved.
***
“Daddy, daddy.”
“Yeah, Ji-yu.”
Seo-an was staring blankly into space when he looked at Ji-yu at the sound of her calling while pulling his sleeve. The child who had been lying on the floor drawing handed Seo-an an apricot-colored crayon and smiled brightly.
“Color here for me.”
“Here?”
“Mm. Here, and here. Here! This too, this is a leg.”
The child, who had a particularly great interest in drawing, pushed out the sketchbook with the outline finished and said. She said she would color the sky, but the narrow, small areas of the face and limbs seemed to be bothersome to color.
How shameless.
Seo-an smiled shallowly and took the crayon. Then after looking at the drawing, he unconsciously let out a puzzled question.
“But… what did you draw? There are three people.”
He wondered if she had drawn her parents from beyond her memories together, but until now, even though the child sometimes called him ‘samchon,’ she had never drawn her parents in her family pictures.
Even being called samchon was when she was younger than now, just imitating what other adults said, words she said without knowing their meaning, but there were three characters in the drawing.
When Seo-an tilted his head since he couldn’t figure out the answer no matter how much he looked, Ji-yu smiled brightly and answered with a “mm.”
“This is samchon.”
“Which samchon?”
“Hae-won samchoon. Look, holding Ji-yu’s hand like this.”
As she said, the little child’s arms in the drawing were raised high above her head. The drawing of adults standing on either side of her, each holding the child’s hand while facing forward, was filled with affection.
His mouth tasted bitter.
Hae-won, who had left for home saying he was disappointed, hadn’t contacted him since then. It wasn’t like he had been contacting him regularly before, but strangely feeling empty, he was subtly bothered by it.
After saying he wouldn’t use the child as an excuse, it was regrettable that work happened to be slow during this period so there was no reason to leave the child with him.
People are this selfish.
Seo-an felt unnecessary guilt and stroked Ji-yu’s head. Looking at the child who looked up at him making a cute “mm?” sound, he shook his head saying no.
…I should apologize.
Maybe Yeon Hae-won was staring at his phone, waiting to see when he’d contact him. No, he might have already washed his hands of it saying he gave affection but got anger in return.
Still, Seo-an, who decided it was right to apologize, asked while coloring where the person’s skin was as the child instructed.
“Ji-yu, don’t you miss Hae-won samchon?”
“Ji-yu? I saw Hae-won samchon though?”
“…When?”
Seo-an made a puzzled sound and twisted his head.
He was the one who took her to daycare this morning and picked her up after work, so when would the child have had a chance to see Hae-won? Naturally, his head tilted more and more. The child, who tilted her head to one side in unison, rolled her big eyes upward and made a cute “mmm” sound.
“Earlier, he came when we ate snack time.”
“At snack time?”
“Mm… He brought snacks for my friends, this much!”
“…Yeon Hae-won did?”
“Yeon Hae-won? No, Hae-won samchoon.”
“Yeah, Hae-won samchon…”
Seo-an’s hand coloring the drawing gradually slowed down.
Yeon Hae-won? At the daycare? With snacks? On purpose? …Why?
The questions that arose one after another weren’t something he could resolve alone.
“…What did samchon do when he came?”
“Mm, he asked about daddy.”
“About daddy? What kind of things?”
“No!”
Ji-yu, who had been answering clearly until just now, abruptly put down the crayon she was holding and firmly covered her mouth with both hands. He had taught her that secrets must be kept, and that even if it’s daddy, she must never tell other people’s secrets, and she was very firm about it in situations like this.
How can a mere four-year-old be so smart?
But he couldn’t exactly grab Yeon Hae-won and ask him directly either.
When Seo-an made a troubled expression, Ji-yu glanced at him cautiously. Then, slightly opening her fern-like hands, she spoke in a very small whisper.
“Then, daddy should go and ask.”
“Daddy should?”
