No further excuses were manufactured before that. Eunha, who had struggled desperately to recall yesterday that he couldn’t remember at all as if film had been cut out, finally let out a deflated breath.
His facial muscles stiffened heavily. While he lost his expression messily without being able to maintain it, the past naturally came to mind in recollection. The countless nights when he’d kept someone by his side and resolved his insomnia as if using them as a means.
What a lifestyle habit, relying on others parasitically because he couldn’t properly resolve even one sleep by himself. Even a kindergartener wouldn’t be that naive. There couldn’t be a more unseemly bare face than that.
It was a secret he’d never disclosed to anyone because he hated it. Therefore, it was an inexpressibly miserable feeling. A feeling as if the entire bottom had been exposed helplessly. The kind where he wanted to run away somewhere immediately.
More unbearable than anything was Yeonjun, whose insides seemed bitter. Like someone uncomfortable with sympathy.
At that, in an instant, thorns sprouted on his heart as if raising a shield.
“……So what. What about that?”
“……”
“Just because you learned that one thing, you suddenly feel like you’ve become something? Do I seem pitiful, pathetic, like that?”
He shot out words cynically. Who are you? What are you…… At the hostile reaction, Yeonjun only showed a faint smile of unclear meaning. He drew a short arc with his lips and opened his mouth.
“Hyung.”
“What?”
“We’ve known each other quite well anyway, haven’t we?”
“……”
“So I think I know a bit.”
“……Know what?”
“That hyung is someone who can’t truly say mean things.”
“……”
“And that you’ll really regret it alone after saying this?”
It was a speculating tone but he knew it meant certainty. As if ventilating the atmosphere, at that voice that sounded faintly playful, Eunha had to burst out a helpless sigh for a moment. It was always like this when he was with this kid. He lost the will to create conflict as if being drawn in. Clicking his tongue silently, he thought. Certainly, they had been stuck together excessively.
It was roughly a month ago that they’d started the bet that wasn’t a bet. A month. Objectively it wasn’t a long time, but perhaps because they’d faced each other sickeningly and exchanged contact almost every day, it felt much more distant in terms of physical sensation. It had been a while since each day had been that long.
It was when he was thinking quietly. Their eyes suddenly met. Yeonjun, who had raised laughter habitually in his characteristically calm eyes, reached out one hand. He grabbed his arm and pulled. It was an instant before he was embraced. Eunha, whose face was buried in the wide shoulder with a thud, breathed quietly. While sinking into that terrible feeling as usual at the arm wrapped around his waist and the warm heat.
“I’ve never pitied you. I don’t consider you as if you were something either. Like hyung said, what am I?”
“……”
“What am I to sympathize with hyung? I don’t want to do that.”
But……
“I do worry. Because I like you.”
At the calm confession, Eunha thought dizzily. That he didn’t know why he was doing this to him. Really, why are you to me…….
“Hyung kept saying it yesterday. That you wanted to sleep. But it didn’t sound like you meant let’s do something. So I wondered if maybe. When it turned out to be right, I felt a bit hurt.”
“……”
“Just……”
“……”
“I just want hyung to sleep well. Sincerely.”
While saying that, he hugged tighter with more strength. Pressed fully against his embrace, Eunha put strength into both eyes. Not because of something else. Because that voice wishing for a safe night sounded like a greater confession than any words of liking.
It wasn’t easy to collect his heart. Something that had risen to the limit seemed about to overflow, sloshing. To keep harboring such feelings toward a kid eight years younger. No matter how he thought about it, it was a pathetic behavior. Even knowing that, it was ridiculous and painful that the direction of his heart didn’t flow as intended. Eunha, who had been holding his breath stuffily, muttered like a joke.
“So what? Are you going to put me to sleep every day or something?”
“Yes.”
At the answer that didn’t even pretend to contemplate, a bitter laugh burst out involuntarily.
“What do you mean yes, hey.”
“I’m serious. You can use me like a body pillow, I don’t mind.”
“Talk of using……”
At the sulky tone, this time Yeonjun laughed faintly.
“If you don’t like using, there is another method though.”
An obvious meaning. Meaning that if they became a couple, it wouldn’t be using, would it? Eunha exhaled through his nose. With that, it was quiet for a while. As if both giving time to think. Or as if melting into the phenomenon.
Eventually Yeonjun grasped Eunha’s shoulders. He widened the gap slightly and looked down at Eunha from close by. At the gaze that settled down calmly, Eunha instinctively sensed what words would come next.
“Hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“I really like you.”
It was a gentle voice. At the gaze pouring down, Eunha subtly deflected his eyes to the side. Because if he kept facing it, it felt like the wall inside him would crumble to pieces.
Then he let out a hollow laugh.
“I know too.”
It was a problem because he knew too well. Because enduring it was no easy task. Because he kept harboring other thoughts.
Absurdly, because he kept wanting to lean on him.
“What about hyung?”
“……What?”
“I’m curious about hyung’s feelings.”
“……”
“Is it absolutely impossible?”
Eunha thought skeptically. What did his feelings matter?
Such things didn’t matter either way. What was important wasn’t feelings right now. It was the future someday that such feelings might bring about. Eunha didn’t want to like someone ever again. He wanted it sincerely and desperately. He didn’t want to experience it ever again.
He didn’t want to love anyone. But.
“……I don’t know.”
“……”
“I really don’t know, Yeonjun-ah.”
He muttered in an uncertain tone as his words suggested. Eunha, who let out a voice like a leaf swaying in the wind, rubbed his eyes. While faintly feeling the gaze silently asking what he didn’t know so much.
“I……”
“……”
“I’m not confident. Whether I can do well at something like dating.”
“What are you so unconfident about?”
“Because I’m not as good a person as you think.”
“……”
“It’ll be very different from your expectations. Probably, surely, you’ll be disappointed soon……”
“……”
“So I really don’t know.”
It was a self-deprecating tone. As if it were a rejection, it was the moment when Yeonjun was about to familiarly withdraw the light from both eyes.
Eunha, who had been biting his lips as if contemplating, lowered his eyes.
“……But if it’s okay.”
Conversely, Yeonjun’s eyes widened slightly. Like someone who sensed what would follow.
Eunha hesitated and chose his words. It was before he could continue with something like that.
“It’s okay.”
An answer without a hint of hesitation fell. As if firmly grasping an opportunity. At the behavior of cutting decisively without even listening properly, a hollow laugh leaked out for a moment.
Eunha, who looked at an unrelated direction for no reason, muttered a word quietly.
“……Right. Then.”
“……Yes?”
“Let’s do that.”
