* * *
At Yeonjun’s house where they arrived, they ordered and ate sushi. Sitting with his back against the base of the living room sofa, Eunha, who was picking up and eating a piece of sushi spread out on the table, suddenly snickered. While keeping his gaze on the TV screen where some variety show was being rerun.
Yeonjun, who was sitting side by side next to him looking in the same direction, turned to look at Eunha.
“Why?”
“It suddenly seems a bit funny that at this hour, I’m here eating delivery food.”
It was late at night. It seemed like the day had been long, and in the middle his reason seemed to have slipped off-kilter enough to make his vision swim, but when he pulled himself together and looked, it was funny that what he could see were some figures moving busily inside the TV screen. The voices of someone laughing cheerfully filled the living room like background music.
In that peaceful atmosphere, Yeonjun, who said “Ah” and creased his nose bridge, raised his eyebrows as if apologetic.
“I really can’t cook. There are things that can be simply heated and eaten… but I didn’t want to prepare only things like that.”
“No. I didn’t mean it that way…… Just, really…… it’s funny. Because I’m thinking it definitely seemed serious just a moment ago.”
“…Was it serious?”
It was an ordinary tone. As if he didn’t remember well. Yeonjun, who showed a light smile, shrugged his shoulders.
“There was something a bit puzzling. The one who’s sick is hyung, the one who couldn’t endure and fainted is also hyung, but it seemed like hyung kept only thinking about me.”
The words continuing calmly didn’t contain any regret whatsoever. As if because of that, things like his day’s plans getting ruined or wasting a whole half-day at the hospital were nothing at all. As if whether it was okay or not okay, it wasn’t even a matter of concern at all without even needing to weigh it.
It was his occasionally felt insensitive aspect. An indifferent kindness that didn’t particularly care even if unrequited, acting without even considering reciprocation at all.
A good kid. A kid he had no idea why he liked him. A bit, no, far too precious for that…… Whenever such thoughts rushed in, two states of mind crossed inside Eunha. Contrary to the desire to take out everything including the inner self that even he himself sometimes felt awkward facing and make him lose all affection, the desire to maintain face as much as possible in front of such a person. The desire not to be a pathetic figure that didn’t live up to his age…….
“I guess I wanted to look good.”
As soon as he confessed, he felt a gaze turning toward him. As if understanding the words he heard, a bright color of unknowable origin momentarily cast over Yeonjun’s pupils that had been earnestly blinking.
“That sounds quite open to misunderstanding, hyung……?”
Eunha, who likewise slowly understood the following words, let out a powerless snicker.
“Since it’s exactly a misunderstanding, don’t look at it that way.”
“Please tell me in detail what you mean.”
At the urging imbued with determination that he must hear it, Eunha, who snickered a few more times, turned his gaze to the TV screen. Starting was unexpectedly easy.
“…A few days ago you asked me several times. Whether I could sleep well. I snapped at you. Like someone who heard all kinds of useless meddling.”
“……”
“And then for something like today to happen as if to prove it…… I think I felt a bit embarrassed. After being rude enough to boast to you, ending up in that state unable to manage myself. On top of that, the fact that I’m actually a person who doesn’t particularly consider such things a problem…… feeling embarrassed that even that fucked-up mindset seemed to be exposed, feeling shameful, pathetic, ridiculous, something like that.”
“……”
“So a bit…… I think I inwardly wanted to appear normal in front of you. Because you’re undeniably a good kid, wanting to match up next to you. Wanting to look plausible and presentable… because it’s human nature to want to dress up one’s outgoing words prettily when the incoming words are only kind. Acting unilaterally badly, that kind of thing looks too ugly.”
“……”
“When did I say I hoped you’d run away?”
The desire to rather show flaws and the desire to somehow imitate a not-worst adult. He wasn’t sure which of those unmixable ambivalent feelings was the right answer. Was that why? Inner words he normally wouldn’t have been able to bring out flowed out more indifferently than expected.
“This too.”
When he pointed to his forearm as if it was a trivial extension, his gaze slowly fell to that spot. Yeonjun didn’t show any particular sign. It was a non-response no different from already knowing well what it meant. His tongue felt astringent.
“Thinking you might have seen it, I felt momentarily a bit…… crushed inside. Because it’s not exactly a common case after all. ……So I think I acted a bit frantically earlier. It must have looked strange.”
He suddenly felt déjà vu. Like the refreshing feeling from some time when he’d spit out embarrassing inner feelings without hesitation. However, even looking back, there was no clearly drawn scene. It was the instant his attention was about to deepen there. Still keeping his gaze on the forearm, Yeonjun spoke calmly.
“Can I ask?”
The plain tone likewise had no regret whatsoever. As if it was fine whether he answered or refused.
That’s why conversely, he had no thoughts at all. Both sides had noticed, and when they might even mutually recognize the fact that they’d noticed, pretending not to know and burying it felt more bothersome and uncomfortable. Perhaps he was deliberately asking considering that point. To shake off what bothered him and become at ease.
It was only speculation, but, well. If it was Yeonjun…….
“…It was because of someone I met.”
Someone he dated, a lover, an existence he didn’t want to attach such modifiers to now. Someone he met. Defining it only that much would be enough to understand. Eunha bit his upper lip as if choosing his words, then added as if belatedly realizing.
“I’m also thinking this is something you should have known from the start.”
Since you like me. What kind of insane things I’ve committed with feelings toward someone exactly like that. That I’m such an unwhole person.
He suddenly became curious about one thing. Whether he still had no intention of running away despite such flaws. He waited for an answer in doubt, but Yeonjun didn’t add any words. No comfort, no brief response, no impression of any kind.
His expression was also calm. He just felt a slightly surprised gaze as if unexpected. And even that scattered faintly before long.
In the silence where only the noisy TV sound floated, he spoke precisely.
“Starting from the fact that you’ve been worrying all this time about snapping for a moment that day, I don’t think hyung could ever be an ugly person.”
While taking some time to understand what the words were premised on, an impression followed that he hadn’t even perceived that as snapping in the first place.
Was it his habit to prettily package unexpected aspects and present them like advantages? Eunha, who had been stiffly frozen for a while like someone caught off guard, futilely let out a breath.
“……Aren’t you seeing me too favorably?”
“Since I like you, of course you always look good.”
It was a statement ticklish enough to sound shameless. When Eunha, conscious of that, rolled his eyes and looked attentively, Yeonjun, who raised his eyelids with a start about two beats late, let out a small cough. He unnaturally averted his gaze and rubbed his nape as if massaging it. It was an appearance of being flustered after becoming aware of what he’d said without thinking.
