He spoke as if pleading. I once wondered if those indifferent eyes could ever become desperate for someone.
“I won’t need to beg that person. I told you. What I did to get away from that person called my father! I know I might look like just a child to you. But Hyo-kyung-ah… I also… gave up everything.”
I could feel his large hands on my shoulders trembling helplessly. He was leaning on me as if about to collapse at any moment. His gaze fixed only on me.
That’s when it happened. Tears burst out defenseless. I pressed my forehead against his chest and shed endless tears. My heart felt like it would break. I’d hurt him again.
“I’m sorry.”
At one word, Jung Hyun-wook hugged me so tightly I could be crushed. I could feel his heart beating rapidly through our touching chests. While I soaked his shoulder with tears, he gently stroked my shoulder and back with his large hand.
It seemed as if all anxiety subsided like a lie at that touch. Just like last night when I walked under the streetlights carried on his back. Jung Hyun-wook kept whispering in my ear as if to reassure me. His lips touched and lifted from my swollen eyes like a feather.
“I just need to work harder. I can tutor, find work that pays more. Don’t worry.”
I just cried for a long time like that, clutching his collar.
***
Even though I was famous as a mute during my school days, there were a few who confessed to me. There were female students, and surprisingly, male students too.
Female students conveyed their feelings to me with letters on Pepero Day or Valentine’s Day. It was rather light because on those days everyone dug up even a grain of goodwill and conveyed their feelings as if competing with the person next to them. When there was no particular reply from me, their interest soon faded.
But the male students were somewhat persistent. The male student who tormented me by stubbornly putting burst milk cartons in my locker suddenly confessed to me on the day the grade changed.
I, who had never gotten angry at the burst milk in my locker even once, threw the first intact milk I received at that kid’s chest.
I shook off his hand grabbing my shoulder as if it were dirty, as if dumbfounded. He seemed to get angry at that. He had the face of someone whose expectations were overturned by my first show of goodwill after enduring a year of bullying like a fool.
It seemed he thought that if I was someone who accepted even rotten, burst milk without a care, I wouldn’t be able to openly express dislike for a confession from the same male student.
That kid said to me with a face completely betrayed.
‘You were totally playing innocent. How did you pretend to be so well-behaved all this time?’
Left alone in the incinerator, I thought. Liking someone was just a fragile fantasy and delusion inside oneself, as brittle as a piece of glass. But ridiculously, what remained on the sharp pieces of reality wasn’t that kid, but me.
What was fortunate at least was that the glass-like pieces left by that male student whose name and face were hazy didn’t become any wound. However, I vaguely anticipated that someday I’d suffer from being stabbed by those sharp pieces.
Jung Hyun-wook’s confession brought me another anxiety and fear. What was he seeing inside me? What did it mean that he liked me? Comradeship between people struggling to survive with both feet on the ground somehow? Or tenderness from seeing each other’s bare faces?
Jung Hyun-wook, who had just finished washing up, walked around the rooftop room wearing only pants. He handed me his t-shirt and loose running pants, and put on a t-shirt himself. I turned away after watching the back muscles rippling every time he moved his arms. Entering the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face.
This had been the pattern with Jung Hyun-wook for a week now. When I finished my convenience store shift, Jung Hyun-wook, who had finished work at the produce market, always waited for me. We took the first train to the rooftop room. Saying he didn’t need to pick me up, that taxi fare was wasteful, was useless. He always came on the boss’s truck.
Jung Hyun-wook, soaked with sweat from carrying heavy fruit boxes all through dawn, showered first. Then I cleaned the room or folded clothes hung on the drying rack.
While I washed, Jung Hyun-wook made food, and today it seemed to be doenjang-jjigae. For the first few days, he couldn’t control the fire so there was a continuous burning smell. Today he was determined, saying he received a special recipe transfer from the boss’s wife all the way here, and even the smell was different.
As I came out shaking my wet hair, the stew was placed on the table with perfect timing.
“You don’t have to do this. I used to bring leftovers from the convenience store to eat.”
“I made it to eat. I just added one more spoon.”
“You didn’t cook food before.”
Though he couldn’t even boil instant ramen well, suddenly he made a fuss about having to eat home-cooked meals. I took a spoonful of doenjang-jjigae and my eyes widened.
“Delicious, right?”
Jung Hyun-wook grinned at my reaction.
“You know what? Only those who’ve eaten before know. It’s not that I didn’t do it, I had a knack for it.”
Truly, as he said, the seasoning was precise.
“Now I’ll make it so you can’t eat anything but my food.”
It was absurd.
“That’s quite an ambitious goal.”
How did I end up living face-to-face with Jung Hyun-wook in this narrow room? After his sudden confession, he didn’t ask me anything.
So I was always the one mulling over Jung Hyun-wook’s confession alone. While washing the surface of the finished bowl until it squeaked, I thought.
Today’s news reported that the incident concluded with the new contractor at Songrim Building succeeding the employment of all cleaning workers.
The card Jung Hyun-wook threw worked properly. He used the secret he most wanted to hide as a weapon like that.
For several days after the article came out, just walking around campus had students whispering behind me. He was already famous, but now there really wasn’t anyone at this school who didn’t know him. He had become a prince with a solid background, from a handsome and cool top law student.
“What did that female student who talked to you after class say earlier?”
Jung Hyun-wook suddenly asked me while I was lost in thought. Female students occasionally approached me instead of the fortress-like Jung Hyun-wook. But today was different. She asked for my phone number. But there seemed no need to tell him the truth as it was.
“She just asked what materials I referenced during last time’s presentation.”
He, who was laying out a mat on the floor, chuckled.
“You’re really bad at lying.”
Would he also feel bad imagining me giving my phone number to a female student? I was used to Jung Hyun-wook receiving attention from women everywhere. He probably had girlfriends continuously during his school days too.
Suddenly I remembered the violin girl I’d forgotten. Was she a one-night stand?
I return to the initial question again. What does it mean to like me?
Inside the room, as always, a fluffy mat and blanket were neatly laid out. And the blanket carelessly rolled up in front of the door was what he bought from the neighborhood bedding shop a few days ago. He skillfully rolled one blanket around his body and used it as a mat and blanket.
“Sleep well.”
Looking at those plain eyes saying goodnight to me, I wonder. Does it include sexual meaning too? Click— The switch went down.
***
“Oh, Hyo-kyung-ah. Over here.”
As I entered the lecture hall, Sung Woo-jae waved his hand. My school life changed greatly while staying with Jung Hyun-wook. First of all, I now had what’s commonly called a group.
It was very unfamiliar to me, who had always been alone throughout my school days. For example, things like saving my seat before I arrived like this.
My corner seat where I sat to avoid being noticed became the most attention-getting seat in the lecture hall after Jung Hyun-wook joined and even Sung Woo-jae’s group moved over. Sung Woo-jae asked.
“Where’s Hyun-wook?”
“He said he has materials to copy at the library.”
“Jung Hyun-wook is surprisingly diligent.”
Yun Seon-ho said indifferently. He was the most taciturn in Sung Woo-jae’s group.
“Originally those types work hard at both studying and love, but why does our Hyun-wook look at women like looking at stones? Yesterday’s group blind date got canceled too.”
Unlike Sung Woo-jae who constantly met women well on his own, Lee Kyeong-su wanted to somehow continue meetings with women using Hyun-wook as bait.
“Hyun-wook’s reputation is widespread in other departments too. Those high-nosed music major kids say it’s all okay if Hyun-wook joins.”
“You should meet women on your own.”
While Sung Woo-jae and Lee Kyeong-su bickered, Yun Seon-ho bluntly said.
“Take Mo Hyo-kyung. If you hold him hostage, Hyun-wook will say he’ll go.”
“Wow, damn. Yun Seon-ho truly is Hanseong Foreign Language High School’s number one brain!”
Lee Kyeong-su was genuinely impressed when Jung Hyun-wook suddenly appeared.
“Why Hyo-kyung?”
As soon as Jung Hyun-wook sat in the seat next to me, he asked with an expression of what they were talking about. I shook my head as if it was nothing.
