# Chapter 99
Shortly after, I was discharged from the hospital. Thanks to the werewolf’s physical abilities, my strength had recovered significantly, making it possible to walk without difficulty.
And somehow, naturally, I returned to Boss’s house and began living with him.
Boss treated me kindly as usual. Though I never mentioned anything, he somehow knew what I needed and would bring it to me each time.
But perhaps because of what “I” had said before, he sometimes showed hesitation. It was the same now. He would close and open his mouth repeatedly, watching my reactions. This was behavior he had been repeating for several days.
But today, as if he had made up his mind to speak, Boss’s stiffened lips slowly began to open.
“Can I ask what happened last time?”
Seeing his attitude that I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to, I thought for a moment before nodding. It had been over a week since I came here. Now would be a good time to start.
“My consciousness briefly surfaced.”
“Then it’s submerged again now?”
“Yeah, it might never come out again, or it might suddenly appear like last time.”
“…I see.”
His face, full of confusion, turned toward the floor. Could it be because “I” had once said that I would die if I appeared again? The current “me” must be someone Boss both wants and doesn’t want to see.
Leaving him trapped in deep contemplation, I subtly moved my body. After crawling on the bed a few times, Boss filled my vision.
He looked at me with puzzlement.
“Do you really… like me?”
I knew Boss liked me. How could I not know when his every action was for my sake? But he had never directly said that he “liked” me.
Unless he said those words, Boss’s affection wouldn’t be clearly conveyed to “me.” And this was something I wanted to hear too. There was a world of difference between vaguely sensing something and having it confirmed directly by him.
Without realizing it, I must have been nervous because my palms were sweaty. Surely he must like me, but I was afraid it might just be my misunderstanding.
If I were to see Boss after I opened my eyes, there would be nothing to doubt. But the Boss who existed in my memories treated me so cruelly that it was impossible to think he harbored such feelings.
“It’s natural that you don’t trust me.”
As if Boss knew this too, he gave a bitter smile. Shadows fell beneath his downcast eyes.
“…Honestly, I don’t understand. Why did you treat me that way then?”
There wasn’t even a process. He changed suddenly, as if he were a completely different person. That’s why I couldn’t shake the thought: what if he goes back to how he was?
I did want to trust him. But there were still too many things I couldn’t accept to believe everything.
If even I felt this way, “I” must be incomparably more anxious. Nothing could change in this situation. So I needed to know now. The reason why Boss had treated “me” so harshly.
“That…”
He avoided my gaze and let his words trail off. Seeing Boss’s evasive behavior, I blurted out somewhat heated words.
“Do you know I went on missions five times a day?”
“…”
“That I was covered in blood by your hands?”
They were merely hazy memories to me, but as if the emotions “I” had felt then were being transmitted, my chest felt heavy. I was able to endure because Boss was there, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful.
I trained through the night, hoping he would look at me just once more. But sometimes, a sense of emptiness would strike me. All of this seemed futile. The more I got to know Boss, the more certain I became that he wouldn’t give me his affection.
“Do you know that you just watched me, as if it was amusing?”
But what was most painful was that he knew all of this about me. I didn’t realize it then, but I vaguely sensed it, though I didn’t want to accept it. That to him, I was nothing more than an entertaining toy.
My throat clenched. My eyes grew hot, and my voice became wet with emotion. Seeing me like this, Boss hung his head. Though I couldn’t see his expression, the atmosphere surrounding him was as gloomy as if he had fallen into an endless abyss.
“It’s all my fault.”
He wasn’t on his knees, nor was he begging with tears, but his words were so buried in guilt that anyone listening would know they were sincere.
“Since when did you like me…”
If he’s this apologetic, then why did Boss act that way? Now I really wanted to know the reason.
After much hesitation, he slowly raised his head. My reflection filled his clear red eyes.
“…From the beginning.”
With those words, a single tear rolled down. His clear eyes were now rippling like disturbed water.
“I… I think I fell for Kay the moment I first saw him.”
His trembling voice reached me, as if even saying such words was sinful. But it was something I simply couldn’t accept.
“…You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”
To have liked me from the moment we first met. Then why did “I” suffer so much? Why did “I,” who tried so hard to receive his gaze just once more, think that he was treating me like an interesting toy?
My thoughts tangled, and heat rushed to my head as if overloaded. The palm of my clenched fist bore deep nail marks due to emotions I couldn’t suppress. Without even being able to steady my breathing, I poured out words toward Boss.
“I’d rather you say you hated me terribly…!”
Yes, if it had been that way, at least I could understand. If he said he had hated me and then grew to like me, that would have been better than this.
“Just say you wouldn’t have cared if I had died somewhere…”
Emotions began to flood like a deluge. Tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes. I covered my face with my hands and burst into tears. Unless that was the case, I simply couldn’t forgive what Boss had done to “me.”
Whether it could even be called kindness is now questionable, but in the past, I had thought Boss was kind. That even if he wasn’t always so, there was that warmth in his heart. That’s why I accepted that he had saved me. Without that, there was no way to explain the miracle of that day. But to have liked me from that time…
When he told me he felt some attraction, I understood because I thought it was merely interest. An interest that would make life a little more fun. I thought that had later turned into love.
I had no idea how to accept this fact.
“…I’m sorry.”
While I was just shedding tears in vain, he once again apologized.
“For not realizing it sooner, for giving you indelible wounds, I’m truly sorry.”
“…”
“In fact, I know I shouldn’t be approaching you like this.”
My vision was dark, but the current image of his face flickered before my eyes. I could picture his face in my mind, contorted as if even breathing was something to be sorry for.
“But… I’m scared. Afraid of losing you again…”
“…Do you want me to forgive you?”
I managed to steady my ragged breathing and spoke. My hands, which had been blocking my view, lowered, revealing Boss, who was reproaching himself, not knowing what to do.
But unlike a moment ago, he firmly shook his head at my words. Instead of a trembling voice, a clear one was heard.
“No. Don’t ever forgive me. What I’ve done isn’t something that can be forgiven.”
I naturally thought Boss would seek forgiveness. But he spoke as if he wasn’t worthy of being forgiven. I couldn’t understand what Boss was thinking at all.
“Until I die, I’ll regret it. So Kay, keep blaming me. Don’t blame yourself.”
If he regrets it this much, why didn’t he realize it would turn out this way? If he had known even a little, we wouldn’t have gone astray like this.
If he had treated me kindly like this from the beginning, perhaps we could have been happy. But it’s already too late for that. Truly, I don’t even know where things went wrong anymore.
Even with this plan. I just wanted to draw out Boss’s true feelings and show more clearly that he loves “me.” I thought that if I did that, “I” would gradually waver and eventually come to trust Boss.
But contrary to my expectations, the situation was getting worse. At this rate, “I” would be completely broken. I had to prevent that. But I wasn’t confident. A feeling as if even the tiniest possibility had been extinguished swept over my entire body.
“What are you trying to do…”
It was a question for him, but also one I was asking myself. What should be done beyond this? Is it possible to recover the relationship from this state?
I felt like a lost child. As if surrounded by pitch-black darkness, I couldn’t see the path. The path for “me” to continue living.
But at that moment, I once again felt a strange sensation. My chest began to flutter. My vision wavered, and something within me was trying to emerge. I felt as if I was being pulled somewhere.
It was exactly the same feeling I had experienced just recently. This was a sign that “I” was trying to appear.
