Right now, Sunjeong needed to see Taeon’s face as he said these words, so he patted Taeon’s shoulder and said.
“I want to get down. Put me down.”
Then Taeon carefully set Sunjeong down on the ground.
The warmth of Taeon that he’d fully felt disappeared, and as the cold air seeped into his body, he already felt regretful, but there was nothing he could do about it.
“What do you mean studying English? Of course studying is good, but…”
“I’m going to prepare for the college entrance exam, and as you know, I’m really weak at English. That’s why you helped me.”
“…College entrance exam?”
Taeon and the words “college entrance exam” were like oil and water to each other.
After learning that Taeon’s statement at nineteen—”I won’t take the college entrance exam”—which he’d thrown out like a joke, wasn’t actually a joke or light remark but his true feelings, Sunjeong had tried to persuade Taeon from every angle.
It wasn’t like his opportunity to go to college was completely blocked from the source, but saying he wouldn’t go because it didn’t suit him, because he was living his own life.
There were even times when he’d jolted awake from sleep and sobbed pitifully over it.
And now the word “college entrance exam” was coming from Taeon’s mouth.
Sunjeong waited with an anxious heart for different words to quickly come from Taeon’s firm lips.
“Well, Go Sunjeong, you’ve been… from before… telling me to try… studying…”
A voice that whispered as if he were someone who had done something wrong.
“After I hurt my head this time, I started having some doubts about field work, and anyway, if I’m just going to halfheartedly do café part-time work, I thought I’d study during that time.”
Soon Taeon’s voice became firm, as if he’d decided to spill everything. Sunjeong quietly listened to Taeon’s words.
He didn’t want to jump around according to the emotions he was feeling, nor did he want to be overly resolute either.
In the end, a tender laugh filled with warm breath burst from Sunjeong’s mouth.
“What, Yoon Taeon, really?”
“…Yeah.”
Taeon, who was tapping the ground with the toe of his sneaker like someone making a terribly embarrassing confession, felt unbearably cute.
Then Taeon’s eyes, which met Sunjeong’s, were as calm as usual.
However, even Sunjeong, who didn’t yet fully know the size and depth of the two universes contained within Taeon’s two pupils, seemed to understand how they were looking at him.
Ah, it’s a good night for a kiss.
In the end, Sunjeong found himself thinking this way.
It wouldn’t matter at all if they kissed right now.
It didn’t seem like Taeon would back away at this point, and it would be fine to do it whenever he wanted. Sunjeong bit his lip for no reason, recalling the kiss with Taeon that had been their one and only first kiss.
But anyway, they’d do it a lot from now on, so it didn’t have to be right now.
With a heart now full of confidence, Sunjeong opened his mouth.
“Aren’t private tutoring fees really expensive?”
“It’s cheap because I got introduced through a noona who used to volunteer at the facility. It’s basically almost volunteer work for me.”
For a moment, Sunjeong’s heart became pointed. Even though he got introduced by someone he knew from the facility who he wasn’t even that close with, he’d kept it secret from Sunjeong.
At the same time, he seemed to understand the heart that couldn’t tell him first. So Sunjeong quickly swept away the regret that had briefly risen in his heart. Instead, he voiced an idea that had been floating in one corner of his mind since earlier.
“You’re going to apply as humanities, right?”
“Probably?”
Looking at his expression, it seemed he hadn’t even thought about which track yet. That made sense—to think about college now, when he hadn’t thought about it even when he was in the top 10 of the entire school, would feel overwhelming.
“You’re good at math so that’s fine. What about Korean?”
Taeon was particularly weak in humanities subjects. And yet when he applied as humanities, saying it was because he was afraid he might actually want to study—when Taeon, still wearing his school uniform back then, had said that, it was the first time Sunjeong cried because of Taeon.
“I am working on it separately, but it’s a bit difficult.”
At his honest words, Sunjeong nodded slowly.
Taeon was smart, but he was actually a tremendous hard worker. He studied diligently. He just tried not to show it.
For a kid like that to study after taking several years off wouldn’t be entirely easy.
“I’ll teach you Korean.”
“What?”
“I’m saying I’ll be your tutor. I’ll teach you Korean.”
For a moment, Taeon looked surprised.
If Sunjeong had offered to hire a tutor for him like before, or if he’d already found a tutor without telling Taeon, the current Taeon would have immediately refused.
But this proposal seemed not entirely unsatisfactory, as Taeon’s expression was full of interest.
“By the way, I’ll charge tutoring fees. You get paid double minimum wage, don’t you?”
“Of course you should charge.”
Seeing Taeon nod with a relieved expression at the talk of tutoring fees, it seemed bringing this up first was the right thing to do.
“According to market rates, 10,000 won per hour.”
“The going rate for a Hanguk University student tutor is 10,000 won per hour?”
Taeon wasn’t a fool. Sunjeong swallowed his dry saliva and opened his mouth again.
“If you’re hiring a Hanguk University student for tutoring, they check things like grades and all. As you know, I’m not confident in that area.”
“…”
“But I’m confident in teaching you. At least I studied hard for the college entrance exam.”
Sunjeong’s eyes sparkled as he spoke hurriedly, worried Taeon might have more doubts. Just by looking at Taeon’s thoughtful expression, Sunjeong could tell. Taeon was currently deliberating while wanting to do the tutoring.
Now this matter needed to be completely concluded. It was best to voice the things Taeon might be concerned about first.
“It’s not necessary when transferring departments, but Korean is important if you go into Education. Anyway, I’m studying for the transfer so much it’s really boring, so I think it’ll be refreshing.”
In fact, he didn’t even know the weight of Korean in the Education department’s curriculum.
But right now, Sunjeong’s spirited voice sounded like it could establish a curriculum that didn’t even exist, so he hoped Taeon would be convinced.
“…Let’s do that.”
“Huh?”
He’d expected it, but Sunjeong was a little surprised that Taeon answered so readily.
“Let me get some help from you too, Go Sunjeong. Thank you.”
As he said this, Taeon’s face wore an expression that was difficult for the current Sunjeong to interpret.
***
The way home after seeing Sunjeong off was 25 minutes by bus, 1 hour and 40 minutes on foot.
After checking the map application, Taeon decided to walk home.
To ruminate alone on his current complex and subtle feelings, he needed time to organize his thoughts. If he went home, he’d feel strangely sluggish and his mood would sink even more.
Although he hadn’t looked at Sunjeong’s face head-on since they were sitting right next to each other, Taeon could accurately sense what kind of feelings Sunjeong had while looking at his housemates.
When they were in school, Sunjeong often made such expressions toward other kids.
Sunjeong, who had weak bronchial tubes and couldn’t do rough exercise, always rested on the opposite side of the playground, and it was like the look he could see when Taeon, after exercising vigorously using his body, would approach Sunjeong drenched in sweat.
Taeon knew the moment when those black pupils, whose depth he couldn’t quite fathom, became even deeper.
Sunjeong had been making that expression the whole time while looking at Jinhyeok and Yoonwoo.
Something he envied terribly, something he wanted terribly to have.
But also a young heart that couldn’t quite show it because he himself appeared from any angle to have everything one could have on the outside.
The two people before his eyes clearly truly loved each other. Although they say you never know what’s ahead in a person’s life, you could tell just from the atmosphere they gave off that those two would probably share many moments of life together going forward and grow old together.
And Sunjeong must have spent a lot of time in that house like an audience member watching Jinhyeok and Yoonwoo’s love from right beside them moment by moment.
The fact that the person such a Sunjeong liked was himself…
Taeon was honestly a bit ashamed.
Even though he’d worked hard in his own way over a very long time not to feel ashamed of himself, his heart crumbled before Sunjeong’s gaze.
Time couldn’t be reversed, and past mistakes could be apologized for but couldn’t be made as if they never happened.
‘Are you crazy, Go Sunjeong. Fuck off.’
‘There are lots of other omegas, why would I sleep with you.’
Words from a time when he believed it was better to flounder within his deficiencies rather than fill them to hide his inadequacies.
While someone loved like a protagonist from such an old drama, Go Sunjeong…
Taeon let out a hot sigh in the cold night wind.
Revealing to Sunjeong that he would take the college entrance exam was an impulsive choice.
It wasn’t that he was trying to hide it, but it was a bit awkward and difficult to say that he was now doing on his own what he hadn’t done when Sunjeong had persistently requested it.
Because Taeon studying was one of the things Sunjeong wanted most, wouldn’t it dilute just a little bit the loneliness that must have seeped into his heart—the loneliness he must have usually felt, must have felt earlier?
It was a statement born from such a selfish desire.
As expected, Sunjeong didn’t shout with joy or jump around like before, but he liked it with a bright light on his face.
He even made the cute proposal of tutoring Taeon for an absurdly cheap tutoring fee.
He’d thought that living while steadfastly creating with his own two hands the things he could create while standing on the ground with his own two feet was everything, but it wasn’t.
Taeon belatedly realized that it was okay to use this kind of help as support.
At the same time, he was fortunate not to have realized it too late.
