“Just like I’m not anyone’s? I belong to everyone.”
Why did I even like him? I briefly immersed myself in self-deprecating reflection toward J before my eyes and my past self, then emerged. Thanks to that, I could declare with a refreshed heart, completely devoid of the solemnity I’d had when bursting through the door.
“Then don’t say anything else. We’re leaving.”
“Leaving? You just got here.”
“I came to say this, okay? Don’t even talk to me anymore. Let’s just live pretending we don’t know each other.”
At this point, even a bad connection should be normal. Though J made a regretful expression, I spat on the memories that were filthier than a team project and turned around. Opening the door with Kang Ikwon tucked under my arm felt like rescuing a princess and escaping from a demon lord’s castle.
“Jin. Are you really okay with him? He’s…”
J said something from behind, but I lightly ignored it and closed the door. Leaning against the door like that, I stared at Kang Ikwon intently and asked.
“Are you the one who should be okay with this?”
Kang Ikwon was looking at me with complicated eyes, not knowing what to say. I asked again.
“Isn’t this the answer you wanted? A special relationship.”
A declaration that Kang Ikwon is now completely mine and I will willingly bear that weight.
Those words must have been the real spell to break the princess’s curse. A smile slowly spread across Kang Ikwon’s lips. That smile spread rapidly like wildfire, becoming flames dancing in his eyes. The heat transferred to my chest and instantly wrapped around my entire body. I proclaimed with a voice heated red-hot.
“You really need to prepare yourself.”
“Gladly, for anything.”
“Do you even know what?”
I whispered while wrapping my arms around Kang Ikwon’s neck.
“I’m going to like you like crazy from now on.”
Instead of answering, Kang Ikwon grabbed my sides crushingly. He pulled me into an embrace like pushing forward and kissed me. It was a fierce, overwhelming kiss that crushed our lips. Bang! A surprisingly loud sound came from the door I’d been pushed against, unable to resist the force. Regardless, Kang Ikwon and I stuck to each other’s bodies and entangled and thrust our tongues like crazy. Each time, the door rattled noisily like a window shaking in the wind. Thud, thud. I felt tapping vibrations from beyond my back, then soon the door slowly opened inward. Catching me as I naturally started to fall backward, Kang Ikwon held me in his arms. Someone’s anxious voice came from behind.
“You’re not planning to continue here, are you?”
I tried to turn my head and retort, but Kang Ikwon stopped me by putting strength into the hand pressing the back of my neck. Buried deep in his embrace, after a brief silence I heard grumbling “that’s too much,” and the door closed again.
“Let’s go.”
As soon as Kang Ikwon released the strength in his hand, I lifted my head abruptly and said breathlessly.
“Somewhere we can do it without interruption.”
It’s a bit embarrassing that the place we returned to while receiving a thank-you kiss from the princess is the princess’s castle. Anyway, we needed a place to pull down our pants, whether a castle or a barn. Kang Ikwon completely washed away his talk about how riding in a cramped car would be a fresh experience or whatever, and without a word requested valet parking for his own car, then hastily left the lobby as if unable to wait even a moment.
In front of the building, Kang Ikwon stood the whole time silently gripping my hand tightly. Unlike before, hot sweat had formed on his palm. Parched anxiety came over from the heat of the silence. As soon as we got in the car, Kang Ikwon, who had been fiercely rummaging through the dashboard, made a dismayed expression.
“Damn it.”
“…Why.”
Though I knew what was up, I pretended not to know and asked. With an expression trying not to show his urgency, but in a hurried tone unlike usual, Kang Ikwon whispered quickly.
“I need to go out and buy something for a moment.”
“…Okay…”
I let him go without asking because I knew too well what was missing. Kang Ikwon seemed brimming with determination to have his long-desired car sex without waiting to get home.
“Wait here for just a moment.”
As if I might run away, Kang Ikwon left after earnest entreaties. Thwack! Almost anger showed in the fingertips closing the car door. The long conversation he said we’d have at home must have been a preview of very intense sex after all. Even in this situation, the consistent consideration and sincerity of getting condoms was a truly Kang Ikwon-like virtue. Actually, that’s not a particularly attractive element in why I love Kang Ikwon, but… I decided to accept it, so I should try to resemble that a bit.
I chuckled and leaned back in the seat. Sinking deep into the comfortable seat, I felt the stiffness in my shoulders I hadn’t realized was from tension. Along with the “he’s mine” declaration that had already evolved into dark history.
Ughhh…
I curled up my legs and rubbed my cheeks hard. Cha Gyujin, you’ve gone crazy because of love. From now on, I won’t be able to deny it no matter what Pujo hyung teases. An incredibly hot heat spread from my cheeks and neck to my earlobes in an instant. To extinguish the shame, I urgently rummaged through my pockets and pulled out a cigarette. After putting one in my mouth, I turned my pockets inside out with trembling hands while chanting like a mantra.
“Lighter, lighter, lighter… Ah!”
The scene of throwing it away on the stairs earlier unable to control my temper flashed by like a flashback. Anyway, think ahead and behind in life, Cha Gyujin. I tried to hurriedly call Kang Ikwon, but had skeptical thoughts about whether I could light a cigarette before using the condoms if he came back with both condoms and a lighter.
It was at that moment that I recalled the existence of a lighter in the console box.
“Mm…”
I stared at the console box and hesitated, folding and unfolding my fingers.
“Mm.”
There are moments like that in life.
Moments when you realize that what you thought you’d paid no attention to and let flow into your unconscious had actually been lurking deep down, pooled there. It always pops out at a timing that catches you off guard. Whether it’s a devil or an angel, you don’t know. It just always appears at a time you can’t refuse and makes people loose and brave. The usual line is a very simple phrase.
‘What’s the big deal?’
At moments like now when I reach my hand toward the console box, I realize I’ve actually been paying attention to this thing the whole time for reasons I can’t explain. And I’m seized by a strong desire to confirm whether it’s an unpleasant premonition or welcome curiosity. The excuse that pushes my back and removes the last hesitation conveniently whispers once more.
‘It’s nothing, right?’
I need a lighter and Kang Ikwon has a lighter. That’s all.
Compared to the uneasy anguish, the hand opening the console box and taking out the lighter is calm and light. The process is so easy and simple that I can’t understand why I agonized over it. While looking around the case to find the opening, I discovered something I hadn’t noticed before. The box containing the lighter wasn’t new.
Wasn’t it a gift…
After hesitating for a moment, I opened the slightly loosened opening. The lighter dropped with a thud onto my palm. At the sensation heavier and colder than expected, my heart froze sharply for an instant.
And the moment I lifted the lid, my thoughts shattered with a sharp sound like ice cracking.
“Come to think of it, first…”
The car door opened and Kang Ikwon’s voice was heard, but my gaze was still fixed on my palm. Kang Ikwon, who sat in the driver’s seat and turned to look at me, slowly trailed off. I stared at the rectangular silver metal body. The lighter taken from the case was almost like new but had faint traces of use. There were scratches on the lid part, and when I tilted the body with the initial J engraved on it, you could see tiny marks hard to distinguish as original grain or flaws. When you open the lid, a message is engraved. It was a familiar phrase.
I read it aloud slowly.
“We pardon as long we love.”
As long as love continues, we forgive each other.
I rolled the lighter in my hand.
“I thought it was the kind of thing to engrave on a lover’s gift. When I broke up with the person who gave me this, I thought it was like a prophecy. Whether it meant to forgive, or that love ended because we couldn’t forgive. Thanks to that, even with my shitty memory, it stuck around for a long time.”
Click—the lid closed with a hard sound despite the smooth movement. I finally raised my head. This is the first time I’ve seen Kang Ikwon’s face so ashen. But I think I said the same thing a moment ago, during the three-way confrontation with J.
“This is mine.”
My heart was remarkably calm. My voice came out matter-of-factly too.
“It was a gift J gave me. I don’t remember when I lost it, how it disappeared, or if I threw it away. What’s certain is that I don’t remember giving it to anyone.”
I held the lighter straight up toward Kang Ikwon.
“So why, do you have this?”
Kang Ikwon’s face looked as cold and pale as the light reflected off the silver lighter. Kang Ikwon, who had been keeping his lips tightly shut frustratingly, slowly opened his mouth. His voice was hoarse.
“I’ll… explain everything.”
“Go ahead.”
I tossed the lighter with a thud toward the driver’s seat. Watching the silver rectangle hit Kang Ikwon’s thigh and fall down, I added.
“Except for saying that your feelings for me were sincere.”
Kang Ikwon couldn’t say anything.
***
“Welcome, Mr. Cha Gyujin.”
I stepped into the lobby of that building with no sign that I still don’t know what to call. Whether they’d memorized my face, this time too the staff greeted me kindly as soon as they saw me.
“Hello. Among your customers here, there’s someone named Moon Jaeyoung.”
I leaned against the counter with as friendly an expression as possible.
“I’m holding onto something he asked me to keep.”
“We can’t give out customer personal information…”
“No, I’m not asking you to tell me, just please deliver this to him.”
I smiled and handed over an envelope. It was a sealed envelope with just my number and a brief message written on a note inside.
“It’s an important item, but I lost his contact…”
“Ah.”
“If you’re uncomfortable, just tell him I left something for him. Then he’ll definitely come to pick it up.”
He’ll definitely come to pick it up—when I emphasized that part, the hesitating staff member took the envelope.
