“Then can I follow you?”
“Kang Ikwon asked with those tearful, kind eyes fixed on my face.” I nodded recklessly, then shook my head hard again.
“Follow what? I’m not going anywhere. I’m right in front of you now.”
“From now on, let me follow you anywhere.”
“I mean…”
“Don’t do that again.”
Kang Ikwon’s tone was still low, gentle, and calm. The tips of his eyelashes looking at me were pitifully wet. Yet it felt like my throat was being squeezed tight. Surely not. I must be mistaken about the feeling of a lump in my throat. I gripped Kang Ikwon’s hand tightly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ll tell you everything.”
The words burst out simultaneously. When Kang Ikwon closed his eyes and opened them, the last droplet clinging to his eyelashes fell. With eyes that became dry and calm as if by magic, Kang Ikwon asked first.
“Sorry about what?”
“Can you listen to my story first for a moment?”
I said while obliquely avoiding Kang Ikwon’s gaze.
“Even if you want to ask something or get angry in the middle, hold back a bit and just listen first.”
“Get angry…?”
Me? Kang Ikwon made a bewildered expression. Before the words “that would never happen” could come from his mouth, I quickly blocked him.
“What did J, no, Jed Park say?”
“That’s what I want to ask you.”
“You haven’t heard yet… that’s a relief.”
I squeezed our clasped hands tightly again, as if to encourage shock absorption for Kang Ikwon.
“I wanted to tell you myself.”
“……”
“I didn’t run out earlier in shock because Jed Park is your lover. Though of course I was surprised about that too…”
“……”
Instead of answering, Kang Ikwon raised his left eyebrow questioningly. I stopped my rambling and bit my lip. The hesitation as I chose what to say lasted longer than expected, and the dragging silence gnawed at my courage again. I lowered my head and glared at my feet, then suddenly felt a damp sensation. It was sweat. Cold sweat had seeped into Kang Ikwon’s palm clasped with mine. Startled that his fingertips were as cold as a dead person’s, I raised my head and met eyes with Kang Ikwon, who was just calmly looking at me. Though tension and anxiety like cold sweat boiled in those eyes, instead of rushing me, Kang Ikwon was silently waiting. I immediately spat out the confession I’d resolved to make.
“You’re not the only one who dated him. I also… I also met him.”
“……”
No answer came back. I closed my eyes and spilled it out all at once.
“And that was when you two were dating. So… I’m one of the guys your lover cheated with.”
“……”
“But I really didn’t know he was cheating while we were dating. It’s not an excuse, well, it is.”
Kang Ikwon still said nothing. When I shut my mouth too, the silence stretched long. Feeling suffocated like a defendant waiting for a verdict, I took a deep breath and raised my head. Kang Ikwon’s eyes held none of the emotions I’d expected. With eyes cleanly dried as if there had never been any moisture and an equally dry expression, he looked impassive as if telling me to continue the story. I asked cautiously.
“Did you understand everything I said?”
“Yes.”
Kang Ikwon answered without delay.
“Even so… you have nothing to say?”
“I’ll say something when the story is finished.”
“It’s finished.”
Kang Ikwon and I stared blankly at each other for a moment. Kang Ikwon made a strange expression.
“Surely that’s not all?”
“That’s all there is…”
I opened my mouth and stared blankly at Kang Ikwon.
“What more should there be?”
Isn’t this enough?
“—No. I just don’t understand for a moment.”
“You said you understood. Should I say it again…?”
“Not your story… this situation right now.”
Kang Ikwon belatedly furrowed his brow. I got anxiously flustered and gripped his hand tightly, then when he shifted uncomfortably, I released the strength in surprise at my own reaction. But instead of withdrawing his hand, Kang Ikwon firmly intertwined it with mine and clasped it. Those eyes, tinged with a slightly suspicious light, carefully examined my face.
“…So that’s the end of what you wanted to say.”
“Yeah.”
“Then you came back because you wanted to say that?”
“Yeah… sorry about earlier.”
It was when I added quietly. Kang Ikwon’s face darkened blackly for an instant. An expression that seemed both at a loss about what to do with me and caught off guard. Though that light was a bit lonely, it was never anger or cynicism. Before I could fully relax, Kang Ikwon pulled me into a crushing embrace.
“Don’t apologize… you don’t need to apologize.”
Kang Ikwon muttered.
“There’s no need to be sorry, none at all.”
In an instant, I heard half of the pile of stones stacked densely in my heart come crashing down. My airways cleared while I lost all strength.
“You’re really too kind.”
When I muttered helplessly, Kang Ikwon was silent for a long time, then pressed his lips to my temple. A devout kiss like a martyr’s confession, unlike desire or affection. With his lips still pressed, Kang Ikwon whispered.
“When we get back, I have something I want to talk about.”
“To me?”
“It’ll be a rather long conversation.”
I got scared at the sunken voice.
“It’s not about breaking up, is it?”
When I pressed him with glaring eyes, worried he might dump me after all this, Kang Ikwon pulled me into a suffocating embrace once more. The warmth that had lingered on my forehead like a prayer slowly followed an invisible path and finally touched my lips.
“Are you really okay…?”
When I whispered, Kang Ikwon whispered back the same way.
“About what?”
Breath like a bird’s feather tickled each other’s lips.
“About me and J doing that.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Kang Ikwon said while cupping my ears and cheeks in both hands and lifting them.
“That kind of thing has already passed the statute of limitations.”
So the only thing that matters now is the lips before his eyes, Kang Ikwon smiled faintly. We sucked each other’s lips tenderly and sadly for a long time in front of the elevator.
***
“It’s in your coat, right? I’ll go get it.”
“It’s fine to go like thi— Ah.”
Kang Ikwon fumbled in his pocket.
“Car keys.”
“Well, we can just take my car, so it doesn’t matter.”
“That sounds good too, since it’ll be something new.”
“My car’s really small. You haven’t seen it, have you?”
“If it’s cramped, we can sit close together, so that’s good.”
“Hey, just because it’s a small car doesn’t mean the driver’s seat and passenger seat are stuck together…”
You really were raised sheltered. I looked at him with pitying eyes for a moment, then when Kang Ikwon’s Audi came to mind, I just lowered my eyes thinking I was more pitiful. When I held Kang Ikwon’s hand and led the way down the corridor, he made a serious face like a child resisting being dragged.
“There’s no need to go back.”
“No, I have something to say.”
Before Kang Ikwon could stop me further, I flung open the door. Four pairs of eyes focused on us.
“J, no, Park Jiho.”
I ignored them and spoke to J, who was peacefully peeling a tangerine in the corner. J licked the juice on his fingers and smiled.
“Jin, why are you being so awkward between us?”
“Being awkward is right for us.”
“I’m comfortable though?”
“Then start being uncomfortable from now on. Don’t act like you know me. Don’t go around digging into my past. If you come to O’Bar again, you’re dead.”
“Ah, right. Your number changed.”
Ignoring my warning, J rummaged around and took out a pen, holding up a napkin like taking dictation.
“Can you give me your new number?”
Knowing that if I get irritated and respond I’ll get swept up in his pace, I just ignored him and continued.
“Don’t contact Kang Ikwon either. He’s nothing to you anymore.”
“Hmm?”
“I’m taking him.”
I wrapped my arm around Kang Ikwon’s shoulder and pulled him to stand next to me.
“He’s mine.”
Kang Ikwon, swallowed on New Year’s, slowly melted and now has become mine with not even bones left. Even if you beg for him back, there’s nothing to return. Fortunately, I don’t feel sorry either.
Though the room was already quiet, this time it fell into an endlessly cold silence. Only J remained composed. Pop—while peeling a new tangerine with a fresh citrus scent, J muttered.
“He was never really mine to begin with…”
Then he spread his arms leisurely to both sides.
