Why with me…
Is this a bit pathetic?
The thought of soaking in the bathtub flew away after the call with Pujo hyung. The free time suddenly created by Kang Ikwon’s absence made me feel lost instead. Like a bird that can’t fly even when released from its cage—after responding with all my might to Kang Ikwon’s attentive care and endless desires, being left alone makes me feel cast aside, even lonely. Getting used to something is truly scary for this reason.
“I wish I could get used to the algorithm of logical conversation too.”
This isn’t a board game—I looked down at the pathetically childish memo that offered no solution and tore it in half. Let’s just do what I’ve always done. Ask honestly, and if I don’t understand, ask again.
It’s natural that I’m fumbling around like a novice, not acting like myself. Come to think of it, have I ever agonized this much over a relationship? This is the first time.
I crumpled the torn paper, then smoothed it out and folded it into a plane. It became a plane with one short, crooked wing. When I launched the sloppily folded body, it wobbled and soon crashed. A relationship without balance would be the same. Desperately trying to maintain symmetry, it would shatter to pieces.
I reached out and touched the plane lying pitifully on the floor.
Falling in love had always been easy for me. Whoever I chose, whatever kind of person they were, there was always something to like about them. So in the end, anyone was fine.
Kang Ikwon.
What if you also didn’t care who it was, as long as it was someone who could help you break free from the inertia of having a lover?
“And it just happened to be me.”
“What?”
I was in the middle of brushing my teeth after a quick shower. I’d been glaring at the mirror the whole time, caught up in these nagging thoughts, and as I spat out the toothpaste foam and spoke aloud, a reply from behind startled me and I grabbed onto the sink.
“You scared me… when did you get here?”
“Just now.”
Kang Ikwon, lightly shaking out his sweat-dampened hair, grinned. Wearing jogger pants and a gray hoodie zip-up, Kang Ikwon looked surprisingly different and fresh.
“You had energy left to run?”
“Exercise makes me feel refreshed.”
With a nonchalant face, Kang Ikwon casually stripped off his clothes and tossed them aside. When he pulled up his t-shirt, his latissimus dorsi spread out like bat wings. My mouth, which had dropped open in disbelief, stretched into a grin at the sight of his thick chest and rippling abs. It’s a body I want to lay down and lick thoroughly in every corner. When I try to take my time with foreplay, Kang Ikwon can’t wait and pounces on me, taking my soul away, so I haven’t even had a chance to savor it properly. Suddenly I feel wronged. Later I should smear ice cream on him and really suck him off properly. Actually, why wait? Tonight…
I was wiggling my cheeks with delight when my eyes met Kang Ikwon’s and I quickly turned my head. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about being caught with indecent thoughts. It’s because I know too well that this monster with the stamina to go jogging in the morning after tormenting me until I didn’t even want to shower will pounce on me at the slightest opportunity. When I heard a low laugh, as if he’d immediately figured out my intention, I quietly put on a brave face internally. Hey, I’m not avoiding you because my stamina is lacking. I’m saving it up to eat ice cream.
“You look cute with your hair and clothes like that. You look younger.”
It wasn’t that I was changing the subject out of embarrassment—the unfamiliar outfit was genuinely refreshing. Kang Ikwon shrugged his shoulders.
“Do you like it?”
“Yeah.”
A mischievous light flashed in Kang Ikwon’s eyes, somehow boyish. He approached and held my waist, kissing me lightly. While avoiding the lips that fell here and there, moist and full of affection as always, I played with his slightly damp hair.
“I like it but… it also feels a bit strange.”
Definitely unfamiliar yet familiar, or rather, this seems more natural and familiar to my eyes…
“Hey, you by any chance…”
I was carefully observing him, sweeping back the bangs scattered on his forehead, when Kang Ikwon misunderstood something and raised one eyebrow. A mischievous smile crossed his face.
“Does it turn you on?”
“You really, from the crack of dawn…”
“It’s a bit late to act surprised now.”
Kang Ikwon put strength into the hand around my waist and lifted me up slightly. My dangling toes bumped against Kang Ikwon’s legs. Meeting my eye level, Kang Ikwon smiled like sunshine.
“We’ve been at it day and night, haven’t we?”
“You, when you say things like that with that face and that way of speaking…”
“Don’t you like it?”
“It really turns me on.”
I grabbed the back of Kang Ikwon’s neck and kissed him powerfully. It’s true. These days I’m pretending I can’t resist Kang Ikwon’s “one more time” nagging while actually satisfying my own desires. After going through the sexy gap between his unrestrained lower body and polite mouth to achieve vulgar unity of top and bottom, Kang Ikwon has now evolved into melting sex and a dirty mouth, heating me up without giving me time to get tired of it. If only my stamina could keep up, it would be Kang Ikwon crawling on the floor right now.
I reluctantly pulled my lips away, but he bit my lower lip and chased after me, swallowing me whole again in one gulp. My calf wrapped around Kang Ikwon’s thigh tensed up. Not only the tongue rubbing against the roof of my mouth, but also below where we were pressed together, an obvious heat was kindled. So—on the condition that my stamina keeps up. Since it doesn’t, that’s why you’re outside the bed right now.
When I pulled my head back sharply to separate our lips, he playfully and persistently chased after me. I just blocked the clinging mouth with my palm. Then, not giving up, he shot me a lascivious eye-smile and licked my palm.
“You’re meeting your friends today, right?”
Honestly, it was just something I said reflexively. But Kang Ikwon, who had been acting like he was about to start a round, surprisingly looked at the clock hanging in the bathroom and put me down.
“It probably won’t take very long. Don’t go back, stay here.”
“Are those the friends you said you wanted to introduce me to back then?”
“Yes.”
Kang Ikwon turned his back and opened the closet.
“But why don’t you want to do that now…?”
I didn’t really mean it that way, but after it came out, it sounded like sarcastic whining. Kang Ikwon, who had been taking out a new towel, turned around with a slightly surprised expression. I added defensively.
“No, I… just. I was wondering why you’re not asking me to come along today.”
“When I first brought it up, you seemed uncomfortable, so I didn’t think of it.”
Kang Ikwon said quietly.
“Are they all… like that too?”
“Not all of them, but we’ve all known each other for a long time so they know about my sexuality, so there’s nothing to hide.”
“Then they must know your lover well too.”
Suddenly, this time too, the words came out before I thought. A stiff silence flowed. I stared intently at my feet, then raised my head.
“Did you end things with your lover?”
“Actually, if I said it was a relationship that ended a long time ago,”
Kang Ikwon said slowly.
“Would you be disappointed in me?”
“Why would I?”
I was bewildered. It would be good if it ended. That’s the biggest problem right now. I could see Kang Ikwon’s thoughts, with circuits different from mine, tangling in a complex and ambiguous way. But I didn’t stop and charged forward.
“Are you sure the other person thinks that way too? It’s not just your own thinking?”
Kang Ikwon approached and tried to hold my waist, but I stepped back. And I said forcefully.
“I don’t like half-hearted transfers.”
“I made a mistake.”
Kang Ikwon said quietly.
“I’ll sort it out properly and explain everything.”
“Can’t you do it right now?”
“It’s a rather long story.”
Kang Ikwon grabbed my wrist and looked down at it quietly, then pressed his lips to the same spot repeatedly. Then he curved his eyes into crescents and grinned mischievously. Maybe because of his fallen hair, he looked like a refreshing boy.
“From now on, whenever you’re ready, please tell me.”
“Ready for what?”
“I’m serious about wanting to introduce you to people around me, even right away.”
“How would you introduce me?”
“I have no intention of hiding it.”
“I don’t really… have any intention of making it public?”
Contrary to my intention to seem solemn, the words came out rather coy. Crazy. The back of my neck heated up with embarrassment.
“…We’ll see. If I feel like it.”
This time the tone was unnecessarily sulky. Kang Ikwon smiled as if he knew everything.
“Even those words make me happy.”
Kang Ikwon’s words always touch my heart.
They genuinely move my frivolous heart.
Avoiding Kang Ikwon’s eyes, I stared at the area around his neck, then lightly tapped his bare shoulder.
“When you come back later… buy some ice cream.”
The flavor you like.
Kang Ikwon, not understanding, nodded obediently. He probably didn’t get it, but that was the sweetest declaration of love I could make right now.
***
Kang Ikwon is kind. That’s why it’s heartbreaking. This guy who was jerked around by his first man for years. This guy who was toyed with by a lover who wouldn’t look at him. This guy who’s become so accustomed to it that he can’t break free. This guy who happened to catch my eye and got hooked.
But now I have this doubt. Is this guy really clueless?
“That skill at masterfully stirring up people’s guilt… he’s a confirmed offender.”
I looked down at the black card wallet in my hand. Then am I too obvious? Or shallow?
Where I was standing was in front of the members-only bar where Kang Ikwon said he’d be. It’s ambiguous to call it that, considering it consists of rooms with an area larger than a lounge. The exterior is clean and sophisticated enough that you can’t tell at a glance whether it’s a bar, cafe, or shop, with luxurious interior design and a system where you check in at the lobby and take the elevator up. This place I’d only been to once, following Kang Ikwon, wasn’t much different from the restaurants he’d taken me to. Places with unclear identity that are incredibly expensive. The time I hesitated in front of the building seems longer than the time I spent deliberating about coming here.
