“How?”
“Well… at this age, it looks cool to break in one good thing and use it for a long time. An adult’s signature item, you know? Do you understand?”
I actually don’t understand. Why break in an object? Just throw it away when it gets old.
“This year has already passed this much… I’ve aged another year too. Change is good.”
“Since the year has changed, how about changing men too?”
My mouth that had been babbling shut. No, it fell open. The cigarette I was holding fell onto my thigh. A stinging heat passed by, but I didn’t feel the pain.
“Do you remember what you first said to me?”
“…Of course.”
“How about it? You changing men too.”
Kang Ikwon spoke matter-of-factly while picking up the cigarette on my leg. His fingertips were still affectionate, being careful lest ash fall and burn me, but the words he uttered were so calmly collected it felt unreal. Belatedly, stinging pain arose. Not in my thigh but in my chest.
“Are you saying we should break up now?”
“No. I’m saying we should end this relationship.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“It’s different.”
Kang Ikwon pulled my hand and kissed my palm.
“Do you like me?”
“How many times do I have to say it—I’m dating you because I like you. Why would I if I disliked…”
“Am I special?”
The words of protest that had been coming out in excitement went back in. I opened my eyes wide. Then closed them and slowly opened them again.
“Don’t beat around the bush—just say what you want to hear.”
“Someone you liked, no, let me change the question.”
Kang Ikwon’s lips moving against my palm felt rough for the first time. Unlike his calm expression, as if dried up with tension.
“Has there been anyone special?”
“Spe—”
“Don’t gloss over it with that damn word ‘everyone’ or play word games.”
Kang Ikwon gripped my hand as if to crush it.
“I’m not interrogating you. Just honestly tell me there hasn’t been.”
I looked at Kang Ikwon with my mouth slightly open. Unlike the words that seemed both threatening and pleading, Kang Ikwon’s eyes were sunken dry and cold like those I’d seen occasionally at dawn.
We faced each other like that for a while until we felt a chill on our bare skin. A long time passed without even blinking. Or a time shorter than blinking.
“If the ‘special’ you’re talking about means something like ‘the only one’ or ‘absolute’… probably not. I don’t think there was.”
I opened my mouth and spoke slowly.
“Then date me.”
Kang Ikwon spoke as if he’d been waiting. He pressed his lips firmly once more to my palm, then pulled my arm. I staggered and was pulled as if being embraced under his chin. No, I was sucked in. So close that my entire vision shone breathlessly with Kang Ikwon’s black eyes.
“Try loving me specially for once. Don’t just dote on me.”
Ah.
My heart beats fast like an excited person, like an anxious person. It churns riding the waves. It feels like being thrown into rapids and also like something I’ve wanted for a long time. Am I ready now?
Resolve to begin. Resolve to plunder Kang Ikwon. Resolve to make Kang Ikwon happier than his lover.
Resolve to love Kang Ikwon with all my strength.
***
—Why can’t I reach you?
“Hyung.”
I lay down and stared blankly at the ceiling. If I say I was cut off from society by falling into the pleasures of sex, he won’t sell me alcohol anymore.
—Your boyfriend came to the shop and paid, you know?
“I heard.”
Amid all that busy lovemaking, Kang Ikwon personally visited O’Bar and informed me he’d paid for the ticket instead. When I got angry, he said it was natural for him to pay since he’d <accidentally> damaged the ticket. To my words “it was a gift, so what does this make me,” he said “the thought alone makes me happy” and embraced me, pouring countless kisses densely all over my face.
“Hyung. He’s cheating.”
When I suddenly said that, Pujo hyung didn’t sound surprised and let out a deep sigh.
—You really… so did you break up again?
“No.”
—Are you going to break up?
“No.”
—…Hey, no matter how shitty your life is, you can’t give up and live recklessly.
“I’m going to live well.”
I sat up and crossed my legs.
“He’s cheating with me.”
There was no answer from the other end. After switching to speaker mode and throwing the phone in front of me, I continued.
“And now he’s asking to officially date. Honestly, I don’t feel guilty or anything. But why am I kind of scared?”
—You… why are you like this after what you went through?
“His lover is really rotten. It’s not a normal relationship. It’s been like that from before, not because of me.”
—All cheaters say that. Things aren’t good with their lover, they sleep in separate rooms from their wife. They learned what real love is by meeting you. This is what living feels like… His lover is terrible? Then what is the bastard who badmouths his lover to his affair partner? Don’t just believe one side.
“He’s not someone who’d lie.”
I answered without hesitation.
“He’s absolutely not the kind of person to play with someone’s heart.”
I shut my bitter mouth, feeling hyung’s disbelief fully through the sigh that came over again. Yeah, even I thought this was a pretty stereotypical line.
—Aren’t you hesitating because you feel iffy too?
“It’s not that I feel sorry for the lover, I feel sorry for him.”
I hugged my knees and crouched down.
“I don’t know if I’m enough.”
—Huh?
“What’s with that weird sound?”
‘Love me specially.’
Kang Ikwon said. Love me—a command that sounded like a plea.
He said to try a different start from before. He whispered softly like an adventurer tempting me to throw everything away and leave.
We can really do well. I’ll try hard. Tell me anything you want. I have absolutely no intention of being bundled as a set with other men.
Does that mean if I refuse, our relationship ends here too?
I was too scared to ask.
Just thinking about it drained me and I flopped back down.
I like Kang Ikwon. I want to keep dating him, want to see him. I even think I want to make him happy. If it hadn’t been for the unexpected encounter with J a few days ago that I never thought of, I would’ve nodded right away. But at that moment, my past relationships, crumpled and thrown away like used tissues, came tumbling down and piled on top of me. I couldn’t answer, suffocating as if choking. It was so easy to say let’s have an affair, dating had never been difficult, but I froze like a boy facing his once-in-a-lifetime first love. Only then did I realize how brave Kang Ikwon was to decide to part with his long-term lover. And that I had to respond to that courage with equal weight.
I’m scared. This is my first love that requires resolve. That alone is already special to me, but if I’m dragged to where Kang Ikwon wants, how much deeper and irreversible will that relationship become?
What if then, what if after that, it ends with Kang Ikwon?
I curled up on my side like someone cold, hugging my arms.
The fear I didn’t want to acknowledge burst out, cornered to the point where I couldn’t hide it. If Kang Ikwon also ends like my past relationships—betraying, disappointing, or fading away—can I shake it off and get up like I always did? A breakup where I drink, have sex with another man to commemorate the heartbreak, and a few months later become so indifferent I can’t even recognize the gifts he gave.
I wasn’t confident.
—Oh yeah, you know Jed Park…
“Ah!”
I sat up abruptly.
“I called because of that! Hyung, don’t you remember? Don’t you know? You connected him to me!”
—What?
“Back then! When I was looking for that guy I met at the PP party, you found him for me! Through several connections, asking if it was this guy!”
—Ah…!
Pujo hyung let out a groan.
—Sophie’s Choice.
“Right. The one who couldn’t choose between the two and just dumped me.”
—Fuck, I really didn’t know. I didn’t connect you because I knew him or anything.
I didn’t say anything, but Pujo hyung’s voice filled with apology, then quickly changed to indignation.
—Hey, you’re the one who hit it off with him when he wasn’t even the guy you were looking for.
“Who said anything? Just telling you. You’re the hyung who’s been through my dark history with me, so I thought you’d want to know.”
—I don’t want to know that, what I want to know is…
Pujo hyung spun the conversation’s direction like spinning a compass.
—So is he definitely breaking up? You’re not playing both sides by yourself, are you?
What to say to Kang Ikwon:
- Did you settle things with your lover?
Y → Go to 2.
N → You confess before clearing things up? Did you get insurance with me? → Punish him.
- What specifically does <special> mean? You’re not used to open relationships so you think all 1:1 dating is a ‘special’ concept, right?
Y → Explain that dating is originally 1:1 and your lover is a rare bastard. → Acceptance
N → Go to 3.
