No. Perhaps I already knew the reason. I was just pretending not to know. Feeling like I’d meet depressing reasons I didn’t want to face since morning if my thoughts deepened, I quickly picked up the showerhead. The warm water pouring over my body seemed like Jeonghan’s touch and also like his voice, making my heart flutter the entire time I washed.
Looking at the refrigerator that contained only water, carbonated water, beer, and protein drinks, I sighed involuntarily. Although I had always filled Jeonghan’s refrigerator, it was seriously bad enough to wonder how he lived at home like this. It seemed he really didn’t eat anything at home except drinks.
“What is this? How is there nothing to eat?”
“I don’t really eat well at home. After you left, I just sleep. I don’t want to come home.”
“Still… this is… On your days off? Do you starve?”
“Because it’s like this, hyung sometimes gives me salad when I go in, and thinking it helps with exercise, I drink protein and stuff…”
“How long are you going to leave it empty like this? When what’s here runs out, then.”
At my words, Jeonghan came close and took me, still holding the refrigerator handle, to the entrance.
“Can’t you come back before then?”
“To fill your refrigerator?”
As I put my feet one by one into the sneakers scattered messily, evidence of how hastily we’d undressed and entered yesterday, warmth suddenly embraced me from behind.
“I hate the house without you.”
“……”
“No matter what I do, it’s cold. It’s not warm.”
The air was cool and his arms embracing me from behind were hot. I stiffened, looking down at his two arms overlapping on my stomach, embracing my body. I was flustered because it looked like such a natural couple’s appearance.
“…We’ll be late if we keep this up. You said you were hungry.”
Giving an irrelevant answer, I unwrapped his arms. I pushed my half-inserted feet deep into the sneakers, picked up the book bag I’d dropped yesterday, opened the door first, and went out. Soon Jeonghan followed me out of the house.
“Give it to me, it’s heavy.”
It was the same as yesterday. Jeonghan took and held the crumpled book bag I was carrying. A strange discomfort kept poking at my heart. On top of that, when the elevator door opened, Jeonghan pressed the elevator door with his arm while letting me get on first, and also get off first. Opening the passenger door for me was natural, and he fastened my seatbelt and closed the door as if it were all a natural sequence.
“Let’s go eat hotcakes. You like them too.”
“Yeah. It’s been a while since we went there.”
“I know. We were so into that place we’d wake up every morning despite lack of sleep and go every day. Eating without even being able to open our eyes.”
“Right. That was the first time I’d eaten such delicious hotcakes. I still remember being so surprised at how delicious it was the first time.”
“We took one bite and were so surprised we made eye contact.”
Even Jeonghan, who was a picky eater, said it was delicious and cleared everything in the set, so I liked that place even more. The taste was good, but I really loved seeing Jeonghan eat well.
“I think I can get there around closing time today. I’m filming promotional video for this drama in the afternoon. I thought it’d just be roughly delivering lines, but they’re doing it properly so I have to wear full costume and everything, so it’ll probably take a while.”
“I heard that director is really meticulous. Looking at their previous works, there’s nothing carelessly filmed from the promotional videos. The promotional videos are like movies.”
“You’re going to watch the promotional video a hundred times, right?”
“I don’t watch promotional videos a hundred times. Like… fifty?”
I said that because it was true, but Jeonghan must have thought it was a joke as he laughed out loud and reached his hand toward me. I couldn’t smile at all at the gentle touch that touched my cheek so naturally.
“Since Ji Yuhyeon is going to watch it fifty times, I should film even harder. I’ll contact you if I’m late. It’ll probably end before you close.”
“…Yeah.”
Jeonghan lowered the hand that had been touching my cheek and naturally grasped my hand resting on my thigh. I looked at his hand placed on my thigh. What meaning did this ‘touch’ have for Jeonghan? Shouldn’t it be normal to be so happy about this naturally couple-like flow that even that wouldn’t be enough? I tried my best to think positively, thinking maybe I was being too serious about this alone.
“……”
But this touch was something I knew all too well. It existed in the same place as Jeonghan’s actions of stroking my hair and lying down with his head on my thigh to sleep.
“……”
The moment I realized that Jeonghan’s warm ‘touch’ originated not from love but from deprivation, my heart that had been sinking strangely jolted.
After eating brunch with Jeonghan and heading to the cafe, it started snowing. It was the first snow I’d seen this winter, so my gaze kept going to the snow fluttering between the wipers moving noisily left and right.
“Isn’t this the first this year?”
“I saw news once that it came before.”
“Did you see it then?”
“I didn’t.”
“Then we’re seeing the first snow together.”
“…Yeah.”
I thought I understood why people give meaning to the first snow. Of course, it wasn’t the first snow of this winter, but I kept looking because I was happy it was the first snow we were seeing together.
“Go in. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Be careful driving in the snow.”
“Someone’s coming. Are they coming here?”
“Ah… The part-timer.”
Jeonghan looked at me after seeing the part-timer running toward us while covering his head. It was a face that had something to ask.
“…What?”
“Are you close?”
“Who, Hyeonwoo?”
“Ah, his name is Hyeonwoo?”
The atmosphere had somehow changed from before, and I wondered what this was. It was a bit absurd because it was similar to the reaction he showed when I went to meet Kim Wonwoo or other friends, juniors, seniors, or classmates.
“Yeah. Hyeonwoo. He said he’s on leave of absence. I guess he’s working to earn tuition.”
“You know such personal things about each other?”
“It’s not that personal… I don’t think.”
“What did you say?”
“Huh?”
“When he told you he took a leave of absence, that he has to earn tuition and stuff, you must have given him some of your information too. What did you talk about?”
Jeonghan asking like an interrogation was more serious than I thought. Knowing he wouldn’t leave and would keep holding me if I didn’t answer, I racked my memory as much as possible.
“Um…… Just that it’s my noona’s shop so I’m covering for her, I’ll be here about a month, he said he’d make me coffee so I said I’m sensitive to caffeine so I have to drink it weak? About that much?”
“You even told him you drink coffee weak? That’s super personal. It’s about your preference.”
“Cha Jeonghan.”
“……”
“You know that’s a bit forced, right?”
“Ah, I don’t know. I know but I don’t, and knowing makes me more annoyed.”
Jeonghan leaned back sharply against the seat and looked straight ahead with an extremely dissatisfied face. I looked at Jeonghan like that and then unbuckled my seatbelt.
“Drive carefully.”
“Tell him you slept with me too.”
“What?”
“Tell him you’re close with me too. You’re nice to just anyone.”
Knowing that he had always said things like “you have too many friends,” “don’t get close with other people,” “they say you only need one friend in life” when I met other friends, I was familiar with these words and reactions.
Knowing that if I left him alone he would get better on his own, I was about to get out, but I thought it would be better to soothe Cha Jeonghan who would be driving, so after agonizing over it again and again, I reached my hand out to him. There were times when touching hands was nothing anymore, but it was still so difficult and nerve-wracking for me to be the first to reach out to Cha Jeonghan.
“What I want to do best is always you.”
“……”
“You don’t even know that?”
“…I know.”
Seeing his face immediately relax into a smile, I thought it was good that I’d soothed him. I patted his hand once more.
“It’s snowing a lot. Drive carefully. Got it?”
“…Got it. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.”
“Ah, the door.”
