“That’s a given. How well have your parents treated me? If I forgot that, I wouldn’t even be human. So if there’s something you want to have or want to do or anything like that, think about it and tell me. I’ll grant everything.”
“…Okay. I’ll think about it.”
Only after hearing my answer did Cha Jeonghan withdraw his gaze. I looked at his profile as he read the prepared script for a famous documentary narration recording, then withdrew my gaze too. Because just looking a little, just a very little bit more might make him misunderstand.
“You don’t have to come with me tomorrow. Rest. I’ve been taking you around too much lately.”
“It reminds me of the past. Back then we’d stay up all night and wait on set every day. If we came home after three days, I’d sit on the sofa and fall asleep, and when I woke up, you’d be sleeping next to me too….”
“Right. It was really hard. From the start I had a leading role with lots of screen time, so the filming schedule was tight even before I could adjust, the actors were territorial—if it weren’t for you, I really would have quit.”
“Good job.”
When I playfully reached out and stroked his head, Cha Jeonghan tilted his head a bit more toward me to make it easier to stroke. At times like this, he really seemed exactly like a gentle big puppy, making me want to hug him fully.
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure yet. Joo-an sunbae said to meet once, so I’m thinking of calling him tomorrow.”
“Joo-an sunbae? Choi Joo-an?”
“Yeah. You even remember my department sunbae’s name?”
“You stuck to that sunbae a lot.”
Cha Jeonghan, who emphasized the word ‘a lot’ as he spoke, looked at me with slightly dissatisfied eyes. It was true that I did many things together with him because there was a lot to learn and he was a good sunbae, but I felt a bit wronged since I didn’t particularly remember sticking together enough to hear the word ‘a lot’ like that.
“How much did I stick together…. Everyone else says when they see me that I stuck together with you. They say when they see you in dramas or commercials, they think of me, and when they see me, they think of you.”
“With me, that’s natural. But you kept going around with that Choi Joo-an too. Even when you went to the library, you were together, even when you went to your department room, you were together, and he was even at your house.”
“…Anyone would think we were alone together. Everyone came for group projects.”
“Anyway, whenever you did something with someone, Choi Joo-an was always there. I know.”
“He’s a good sunbae. Very helpful too. And this time there’s a reason for meeting.”
“What is it?”
“He’s getting married. We’re meeting because he’s giving me a wedding invitation.”
“Really? When?”
“End of this month.”
Cha Jeonghan slowly nodded his head. It was a nod that came from understanding the reason for the sudden contact to meet. I didn’t know why I was explaining all this in detail and making him understand, but still, thinking of it as detailed attention reaching me, I could accept it enjoyably enough. Because it’s better than having no interest at all in where I go or who I meet.
“I’ll tell you if I end up meeting him tomorrow. I heard from Dongyun hyung that I just need to do the recording tomorrow, so there’s no worry, but if you need me, call me right away.”
“Okay. Documentaries are surprisingly difficult. I need to pronounce well. Penguin, penguin. Want to hear?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.”
“The sun has risen in Antarctica. Oh, there’s a group moving busily from early morning. Yes, they are emperor penguins. Where are they going so busily from the morning?”
His voice was so good that whatever he said, I felt like I was completely immersed in that sound. Could there be another person in the world who makes listening to penguin stories this pleasant? Even as I thought this, I laughed, thinking I was being too much of a doting fool.
“How is it? Do the voice tone and pronunciation seem okay?”
“Yeah. It’s really pleasant to listen to. Do more. I want to hear more.”
As I leaned my body against the sofa and relaxed, Cha Jeonghan’s voice continued. I closed my eyes for quite a while listening to the Antarctic penguin story he told me. It was a night when I was grateful that penguins existed so such a documentary could be made.
* * *
After going down to the parking lot with Cha Jeonghan who was going to record and seeing him off, I sent a message to Choi Joo-an sunbae asking if he had time today.
Not long after, I got a call saying he was meeting with university juniors and seniors tonight anyway, so I should come out then. Hearing the names of people coming, I was happy since they were all classmates and seniors I’d gotten along well with. After making plans to meet at 7, I familiarly started on things I needed to do. I cleaned and organized all the clothes to send to the cleaners, giving them to the employee who came to collect them. It was a space that wouldn’t get messy anyway, but I liked how after cleaning, it became a place that sparkled even more and suited Cha Jeonghan.
I could rest at Cha Jeonghan’s house, but staying alone and resting at the house without Cha Jeonghan still wasn’t comfortable even after several years. If he knew this thought of mine, he’d be very disappointed, but it couldn’t be helped.
I went to the empty bus stop and sat facing Cha Jeonghan’s advertising photo that was still the same. Air that had become a bit more chilly than before touched my face. Without being nervous or having an anxious heart… I looked at Cha Jeonghan comfortably. Making eye contact to my heart’s content, and being together to my heart’s content. How many buses passed or how much time flowed—such things didn’t matter at all.
The hearts that had been torn up while being with Cha Jeonghan gradually returned to their original state. There was no anxiety that always followed from the moment I hid my emotions to avoid being caught, and no self-blame. Even though it was this stiff, didn’t blink, and didn’t stroke me with warm hands… this stiff Cha Jeonghan was more comfortable.
‘Wow, your ad is up!’
‘It’s fascinating. My face is hung everywhere on the street.’
In the early debut days when people couldn’t recognize him that easily even without wearing a mask or hat, while walking together on the street, I once saw an ad with Cha Jeonghan’s face for the first time. We stood on the street taking pictures, and for a long time we looked together at that familiar face lighting up the night, laughed, and talked for quite a while.
‘At this rate, won’t it really be just you everywhere you look?’
‘Maybe. I somehow do everything I want to do. It won’t take long if I put my mind to it.’
Cha Jeonghan said it like a joke, but I knew that his confident words would come true very quickly. And really, day by day, Cha Jeonghan started appearing here and there, and a few months later, everywhere I looked, I could see Cha Jeonghan. I liked it, but my heart kept shrinking, feeling like I alone couldn’t properly see Cha Jeonghan whom everyone was watching.
Everyone loved him. To Cha Jeonghan, who was very lonely and whose place for love was empty, people’s love must have been a great comfort. I knew that the reason this picky person endured and did this work even though it was hard was because he liked the attention and love he received from people. The more Cha Jeonghan received people’s love, the more he shined and became cooler. Among that was surely my love too, but I hid it again and again, feeling like if I showed even a little, I’d want to show more.
“……”
Sometimes I retrace the past. What would have happened if I hadn’t hidden it then? When he said he got an offer to be an actor, what would have happened if I’d opposed it? If I hadn’t injured my arm, would I have the same kind of friendship with you now?
I couldn’t be certain, but something definitely would have been different. Our relationship might have already ended, we might have become just so-so friends, or I too might be able to treat Cha Jeonghan as an irreplaceable friend in the world. But I always looked away even when seeing the choices placed before me. So the me of now has been loving Cha Jeonghan for 13 years, and didn’t know how to look back or how to look forward. Inside my invisible love full of guilt where all sides were completely blocked, I couldn’t even breathe properly.
“……”
All I could do was briefly ease my heart like this by looking at Cha Jeonghan’s stiff advertisement. After looking for quite a while at Cha Jeonghan who didn’t waver or shake at all no matter what face I made or what emotions I showed, I got up from my seat. Then I got on the bus I needed to take that was approaching. Not wanting to see the spot where I’d been sitting just moments ago, I didn’t turn my head toward the window until the bus departed.
* * *
After reading some books and resting at the officetel, I got a call from Dongyun hyung saying the recording seemed like it would run long until dinner. I was going to see him when he came home during the day, but since he was coming in the evening, it seemed I could only see him at night. Although I wasn’t an official main manager like Dongyun hyung, I still felt concerned about going out to handle my personal business when Cha Jeonghan was around. Since he was coming late, it was fortunate if anything.
After resting at home, I got ready and left the house around five-thirty, thinking it would be congested. It probably wouldn’t take that long, but knowing that on weekdays at this time it gets extremely congested overlapping with rush hour, even if it was a bit excessive, leaving early put my mind at ease.
Taking a taxi would take about 30 minutes, and taking the bus would take about 40 minutes, but if I took a taxi at this time, it seemed like it would take over an hour, so I got on a bus that still had seats at the stop in front of the officetel. Where I got on wasn’t a station in an area with concentrated companies, so there were seats, but every time we stopped on the main road, an absurd number of people got on the bus. After five stops, there was no space to board at all, so the bus couldn’t take on more people.
[Jeonghan: I just finished. I’m going to have dinner meeting a director I know]
The phone screen flashed and Cha Jeonghan’s name appeared. I’d been worried he might not eat anything again and just roughly sleep at home alone, but I was relieved that he was having dinner.
[You must be tired. Enjoy your dinner]
[I’m on my way to the meeting place right now and it’s really congested]
[Jeonghan: Are you meeting just the two of you with Choi Joo-an?]
[No, he said he’s meeting with other people today so I think we’ll all meet together]
[Jeonghan: It became a department gathering]
[I know, it suddenly became like that]
[Jeonghan: Will you be late?]
