“Anyone would think I’m dating you.”
At Cha Jeonghan’s words, my heart and body both stiffened in an instant. I should laugh at that sound he made with a smile as a joke, but laughter didn’t come easily.
“What’s all this fuss about love every time?”
“……”
I tried hard not to make a stiff face. That was the best I could do right now. I quickly got off the elevator first and called Dongyun hyung. When he said the car was at the front door so I could just come out, I went out first and opened the door. Reporters who still hadn’t left pressed their shutters asking if the romance rumor was really true. Cha Jeonghan quickly got into the car without even looking around once.
“Did you get scolded a lot?”
“Not that much. What’s the reaction like?”
“I kept watching, and most people say it doesn’t seem real, and looking at how you’re denying it in such detail, it seems like you’re displeased that the scandal even happened. It’ll probably stay on the real-time search for a bit then go down.”
Hearing Manager Dongyun hyung’s words, relief finally set in to some degree. Thanks to the company quickly putting up rebuttal articles, this scandal seemed like it would just end as a happening.
“Anyway, people are so interested in others’ romance rumors. Why are they curious about that? I’m not curious at all. Whether it’s real or not, what exactly changes?”
“It’s because you’re a known person. They’re curious about how you live beyond what appears on screen.”
“It’s fascinating. That they’re so interested in others’ business. Some people aren’t even interested in their own children, not knowing what school they go to or what grade they’re in. But those same people are so interested in complete strangers.”
Knowing that the ‘someone’ Cha Jeonghan was talking about was his parents, I couldn’t easily choose an answer. No matter how much Cha Jeonghan disliked and found them terrible, I still wasn’t in a relationship where I could carelessly speak on his side.
“You’re agonizing again.”
“…Hm?”
As I was choosing my words, Cha Jeonghan, who slowly tilted his head toward me, smiled faintly.
“You don’t have to agonize. I’m not saying it to hear an answer.”
“……”
“I just need you.”
He said it like a habit, but there was sincerity in it every time he said those words. Cha Jeonghan probably didn’t know. How much my heart fluttered each time I heard those words, and also how much… I crumbled. While trying to become strong so that Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t crumble, my heart was heavy with the thought that I was a prepared traitor.
Heavy breaths that I couldn’t let out externally kept piling up inside. And those heavy breaths sank deep into my heart, constantly pushing out words that were hidden tightly somewhere. Every time thoughts and emotions pushed against each other, a headache came without fail.
“……”
I had a headache every time I received this kind of unbearable emotional pressure like now. I wanted to hug Cha Jeonghan and tell him not to worry, that I would forever be his good friend, and I also wanted to burst out that I loved him and face a traitor’s end. But my choice was always neither of those. I couldn’t choose either side and postponed my answer again and again. That was the best action I could take right now.
* * *
‘I just need you.’
I recalled a certain day when I first heard those words from Cha Jeonghan. It was my eighteenth birthday.
‘Here, a present.’
On my eighteenth birthday, Cha Jeonghan gave me an expensive electronic device as a gift. My mouth fell open at the gift he held out, saying it would be good to have a big screen when studying and when watching games or movies. My parents had invited Cha Jeonghan to the house to have dinner together and blow out birthday candles, and I thought we’d just spend it normally, and I’d said he didn’t need to give me a present, but receiving such an expensive, unexpected gift left me not knowing how to react.
Seeing me with a surprised face, Cha Jeonghan told me he had a lot of money and really wanted to give it to me, so he hoped I absolutely wouldn’t feel burdened. Honestly, it wasn’t a gift you could give to a friend at that age, so I felt sorry and flustered, but seeing that face watching my reaction, I couldn’t refuse.
‘Thank you. I’ll use it well. I didn’t even think… Thank you, really.’
‘Christmas isn’t a big deal, right?’
‘Hm?’
‘You said so. That since it’s the day after Christmas, people outside just celebrate it together with Christmas and move on.’
‘…You remember that?’
‘Your birthday is more important to me than Christmas.’
‘……’
‘Happy birthday. I was really bored yesterday waiting for today.’
Since my birthday was December 26th, except at home, I often received birthday wishes lumped together with Christmas. The day after the world’s festival ended was always quiet, and I usually just had a nice dinner at home with my family on my actual birthday. I’d never been dissatisfied, but when I was young, I once thought it would be even better if my birthday was just one day earlier and was actually Christmas. Then I could have my birthday when the world was sparkling beautifully and shining.
‘……’
Cha Jeonghan made my birthday shine more brightly than Christmas. It was the first time I heard someone say my birthday was more important than Christmas. I couldn’t not love Cha Jeonghan. How could I not love my friend who said Christmas was really boring because he was waiting for my birthday?
‘Jeonghan-ah……’
I wanted to say that you’re a bigger gift to me, that I’m truly happier today because you’re here. With my young heart, I felt like if I spoke with this special feeling, somehow everything would work out, so I felt an intense impulse. But thinking that Cha Jeonghan might turn around and leave after hearing my words pulled the words that had come near my lips back down.
‘Should we go to the playground? We’ll go in if it’s cold.’
‘I’m not cold. Let’s go to the playground.’
At the playground where I went holding the gift, Cha Jeonghan poured out his story about his parents from beginning to end for the first time. I’d heard bits before, but this was the first time hearing everything, so my heart ached the whole time.
He said that when Cha Jeonghan was in elementary school, his parents divorced. During that divorce process, no one wanted to raise young Cha Jeonghan, and eventually, Cha Jeonghan was sent to his paternal family. Fortunately, he lived with his grandfather and grandmother who cherished and loved their grandson, and since Cha Jeonghan’s paternal family ran a fairly well-known company, he lived abundantly in financial terms. However, because he vividly remembered his parents who rejected him, Cha Jeonghan said he always felt like a corner of his heart was empty.
‘They say it’s because I’m lonely. Grandfather says so, Grandmother says so…. Even those so-called friends all say so. That it’s because I’m lonely.’
‘……’
‘They say I’m starved for affection.’
‘……’
‘I think that’s right. I constantly heard them say it would be horrible to take me, let alone love me, so there’s no way I’d be fine.’
‘……’
‘So I think there’s no such thing as love. Parents don’t love their children, children don’t love their parents… how can you love someone else?’
‘……’
‘I don’t believe in that kind of thing. Because it doesn’t exist. It can’t exist.’
In the empty playground, only the sound of the swing slowly moving echoed. I idly dug at the sand with my foot, genuinely glad I hadn’t confessed earlier.
‘But I believe you, Yuhyeon.’
‘……’
Our eyes met in the darkness. Inside Cha Jeonghan’s eyes that met mine, I saw too clearly what the belief he was talking about was. What Cha Jeonghan wanted from me wasn’t love that easily faded, but friendship that could be kept for a lifetime with just effort.
‘I’ll do well too so you can keep believing in me.’
‘How can you do any better than that?’
‘……’
‘I just need you.’
Cha Jeonghan reached out his hand and gently tousled my hair. Even at that touch, my heart beat crazily. Even as I told myself over and over again that I mustn’t betray Cha Jeonghan, that if he knew I liked him as more than a friend… he’d be disappointed, the love with a clear origin that had started didn’t end. Adding light to Cha Jeonghan’s gaze and touch that kept reaching me.
* * *
The scandal between Cha Jeonghan and Yoo Ajeong turned into stale news to people in half a day. Both sides denied it so clearly, and especially since Cha Jeonghan’s side vehemently denied it while even revealing detailed schedules from that day, it was natural for everyone’s interest to drop. After a week passed like that, it became something everyone forgot as if it never happened.
“Your birthday’s coming up.”
“There’s still over a month left.”
“What should we do this year? Have dinner with your parents at a nice place, and should we have a drink? Ah, what should I buy as a gift? Don’t you need anything?”
“No. What would I need?”
“Don’t say that and think about it. How about a car? Should we go look at cars?”
“Why would I need a car right now? I can buy one later when I need it.”
“Then…. What would be good?”
I told the pondering Cha Jeonghan that I really didn’t need anything, but Cha Jeonghan only said okay with his words and kept pondering something.
“Every year you think of my parents too and treat them and have dinner with us. That’s enough.”
