After that I was sick for another month. Half of that was really from being ill so I had to wear thick clothes alone, and Cha Jeonghan stayed by my side the whole time like when I’d hurt my arm before. I was torn apart again and again at every moment.
The end of that torn heart was my acknowledgment. It would have been better if I could stop loving, but love wasn’t something I could end just because I wanted to end it. Instead I acknowledged it. I thought again and again like brainwashing all day long the fact that was so obvious—that Cha Jeonghan didn’t love me and we were definitely friends.
It was a love I’d arbitrarily started alone, so there was no reason to resent Cha Jeonghan or be hurt. Because love couldn’t be emotionally controlled as I wished, sometimes hurt feelings arose without my knowing, but before long I organized it well alone and put forward solid friendship. I gradually became accustomed to perfectly hiding my emotions.
So when Cha Jeonghan received an acting offer and came to live a new life, I couldn’t refuse his proposal. Because we were friends. Because we were friends with no equal in the world. Because I was his only friend who would always exist solidly by Cha Jeonghan’s side no matter what choice he made. I never once regretted that choice, that decision to remain by Cha Jeonghan’s side as a friend. Because I didn’t want to betray Cha Jeonghan.
Like that, the spring of twenty faded.
* * *
If I had to find a good point about experiencing shocking things repeatedly several times, it was that the time until recovery gradually became shorter. At twenty, when I first kissed Cha Jeonghan, I wandered for almost a month and my heart was torn apart painfully every day, but from the next time, recovery gradually became faster. And now at thirty, one night was enough. Because I could distinguish between things I should remember with meaning and things I shouldn’t put meaning to.
I treated Cha Jeonghan casually. It was just that one more secret had increased between us. If Cha Jeonghan, who thought there were no secrets at all, found out, it would be very upsetting.
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“……”
“Ji Yuhyeon.”
At the sound penetrating my thoughts, I raised my head and Cha Jeonghan was looking down at me. I quickly got up from my seat and looked outside to see Dongyun hyung had parked the car right in front of the shop entrance.
“You have a lot on your mind these days.”
“I didn’t know it ended. I thought it would take long.”
“It’s not even a full setting. Let’s go.”
“…Yeah.”
When we went outside the hair salon, fans not only from Korea but from various countries overseas called Cha Jeonghan’s name and pressed shutters. Since the hair and makeup that was barely done shouldn’t be ruined, Cha Jeonghan didn’t cover his face and smiled and greeted the fans. Since there was no friction and this level of manners was rather good for his image, I didn’t particularly stop him.
When we got in the car and departed, a taxi that had been standing behind started following. Dongyun hyung, who confirmed the taxi following behind in the mirror, made an annoyed sound and changed lanes. With how often they took taxis or stood pretending to be regular cars then followed the van, Dongyun hyung had now become a veteran at shaking off cars.
I confirmed the taxi that had disappeared behind and looked at Cha Jeonghan reading the script. Today we were heading to the broadcasting station because the writer and director wanted to see and talk with Cha Jeonghan directly before confirming the casting.
The assistant director who called to confirm the schedule told me several times that the casting had definitely been decided as Cha Jeonghan internally, perhaps worried it would be conveyed like they might not cast him if they didn’t like him after meeting. He didn’t forget to explain for over 10 minutes that the writer and director viewed Cha Jeonghan very favorably, and since this script itself was written with Cha Jeonghan as a model, this meeting was made to confirm there was no regret in that decision.
When we arrived at the broadcasting station and entered the drama department, staff members one by one saw Cha Jeonghan and approached with surprised faces. The drama department director who came out directly to greet Cha Jeonghan smiled seeing such staff.
“Give them some photo service. Everyone can’t even speak and is just stamping their feet.”
“Yes. As much as you’d like.”
At the cheerful director’s words, Cha Jeonghan took photos one by one in turn with the staff holding phones. Whether they’d spread the word in the meantime, the photo session didn’t end no matter how many times we did it because of broadcasting station staff who had gathered enough to fill the corridor.
I quietly stayed to the side, then when someone gave me their phone asking me to take a photo, I went forward and took pictures of Cha Jeonghan and whoever. Come to think of it, during all that long time, we didn’t have a single photo taken together. I wanted to stand at the very back of that corridor line and take a photo with Cha Jeonghan like this too. Because then I could have a photo taken with him naturally without it being strange.
When we’d taken photos with over fifty people, the director and writer of this project came through the people. The director who greeted them warmly with a handshake put both hands together to his mouth and spoke like a megaphone to the people standing behind.
“Alright, let’s stop here. We need to start the meeting, so please understand.”
Cha Jeonghan, who smiled and took a photo with one last staff member saying he’d be back, entered the conference room. I watched the four people entering the conference room, then came out to the corridor and headed to the break room. Still, it was fortunate it wasn’t unfamiliar since I’d come here often.
I was about to get coffee from the vending machine but thinking there might be a problem because of caffeine, I just got an ion drink and sat in one corner of the empty break room.
Actually this time passed the slowest. When following to filming sites, it was less tiring since I could see them filming and time passed without my knowing while watching Cha Jeonghan act, but when left alone like this waiting until Cha Jeonghan finished and came out, time went slowly and felt longer.
I finished the drink and having nothing to do, read all about what news there was these days, but Cha Jeonghan still hadn’t come out. Since it wasn’t an official meeting and when meeting like this before casting they didn’t talk for very long, he would probably finish and come out soon. Of course they’d view him favorably, but still I really hoped Cha Jeonghan would be fully adored by the director and writer.
I was curious where Dongyun hyung was and what he was doing, so I took out my phone when footsteps approached the break room. Thinking it was hyung, I raised my head and a familiar face came into view. It was actor Lee Hyeonjun who had worked together when Cha Jeonghan did his second drama.
“Oh? Who is this? I definitely know your face.”
“Ah, I……”
“Ah, Cha Jeonghan’s manager!”
“Yes. Hello.”
“Wow, how long has it been? First time since Effect ended back then, right?”
“…Yes. It’s really been years. Have you been we……”
I was about to ask as courtesy if he’d been well, but remembering there had been a big sponsor scandal about Lee Hyeonjun last year, I stopped asking how he was. I remembered hearing from other actor managers that after that scandal, no one wanted to use him anywhere, so he was going around the broadcasting station directly begging them to give him any script.
“I haven’t been well. Not doing well now either. As always, our Cha Jeonghan’s manager is perceptive. It was like that when filming Effect too. Ah, let’s not stand like this, sit down. Something to drink… ah, you have some? Then I’ll just get mine.”
About 5 years ago when filming the work <Effect>, Lee Hyeonjun didn’t have a very good image either. It was always uncomfortable because he obviously looked at Cha Jeonghan, who shot up all at once as soon as he debuted, unfavorably. He would smile while unknowingly asserting seniority pretending to make mistakes, and would come to me waiting and subtly badmouth Cha Jeonghan. When I showed discomfort, he’d snatch my phone and force me saying he’d return it if I followed him. So even now 5 years later, facing Lee Hyeonjun like this wasn’t very comfortable.
“Our manager-nim is the same now as back then. How is your skin so good? You’re a baby, a baby. I want to touch it.”
He spoke like it was a compliment, but rather than a compliment it was harassment. I also heard a lot that Lee Hyeonjun ran at people regardless of gender, so I became displeased.
“After doing a project with me, Cha Jeonghan really took off. What’s the secret?”
“Jeonghan-ssi works hard.”
“I work hard too.”
“……”
“Lobbying and moving my body hard too, right?”
Lee Hyeonjun, who laughed while making motions of moving his waist back and forth while sitting, leaned back deeply into the chair again. I wanted to kick off and get up and leave, but worried that problems might arise for Cha Jeonghan’s image because of me for no reason, I just fiddled with the empty can.
“Don’t you want to come as my manager?”
“What?”
“I don’t know how much Cha Jeonghan pays you, but I’ll give you double that. No, my managers can’t last even a month before leaving. I’m not even picky, you know? I’m so good but they can’t endure. Looking at it, young kids just starting don’t have grit. It wasn’t like that in our time. We endured unconditionally.”
I wondered what I’d just heard. I was curious just how broken his mind was to suddenly ask if I had thoughts of becoming his manager.
I’d also heard the story that Lee Hyeonjun’s managers couldn’t endure for a month and quit. The content was that managers in their early to mid-twenties who just entered society and got hired were mainly attached, but they couldn’t stand it and ran out because he habitually used verbal and physical abuse, or if he liked them he kept sticking his body to them or calling them to his house.
