Tongues rubbed and were sucked frantically. I couldn’t know if I was doing well since it was my first time, but it felt good. It felt so good I might lose my mind, my body floated… and became hazy. My first kiss with Cha Jeonghan whom I loved… I couldn’t believe it, but it was too good to be a dream. It was this hot, and every place touching Cha Jeonghan was burning—it couldn’t be a dream. Excited anticipation found my hidden love and knocked on the door.
‘Heu… haah……’
‘Ha….’
Our lips that had been locked for a long time separated. Hot breath much higher than the spring night’s temperature cut through the air and covered each other. I fully embraced him as he looked at me with slightly more unfocused eyes then drooped as if collapsing into my arms. It felt exactly like love had been fulfilled.
I barely made it up to the house and laid Cha Jeonghan on the bed. Cha Jeonghan quietly fell asleep as soon as he lay down. I sat beside him and captured his face in my eyes again and again, losing track of time. The afterglow of the first kiss hadn’t faded, so just looking at Cha Jeonghan’s face… strength gently left my whole body.
‘Sleep well, Jeonghan-ah.’
I greeted the sleeping Cha Jeonghan. I hoped our morning would come quickly. Perhaps Cha Jeonghan felt the same way as me. My excited heart swelled and kept floating up.
When the long-awaited morning came, Cha Jeonghan said his head hurt as his first words to me. Then he drank the water I gave him and quietly looked at me sitting there.
‘What happened yesterday?’
Thinking he was asking how we ended up kissing, I tried to recall what words to say, but I didn’t know what to say.
‘I think you came to pick me up….’
But from the next words that followed, I realized the yesterday’s events Cha Jeonghan was talking about weren’t the kiss.
‘…You don’t remember?’
‘I must have drunk too much. I remember that seeing you made me relax from pretending not to be drunk.’
‘……’
‘I don’t remember after that.’
The love that had stuck its head out at the knocking sound of expectation that had gone ahead went back deep inside and closed the door. I couldn’t say any words, afraid I might make a mistake.
‘I’m sorry. You must have had a hard time yesterday.’
Looking at Cha Jeonghan smiling as usual with a face that knew nothing, I pulled up my lips to smile the same way. The only words I could say were things like “no, it wasn’t hard.”
Like that, on that spring night in May, it was a first kiss I couldn’t forget and Cha Jeonghan had forgotten.
It was easier to hide my emotions when I was a teenager. Whether it was really puppy love, when I saw Cha Jeonghan I just had reactions like trembling and my heart dropping with a thud—I didn’t have serious thoughts. I just hoped this daily life of seeing his face every day and being together wouldn’t end.
The heart I thought would become more flexible as I aged became completely messed up after the first kiss. It would have been better if it hadn’t happened, but it had already occurred, and it would be better if I was also drunk and didn’t remember properly, but I remembered Cha Jeonghan’s touch too vividly.
For a while, every time I made eye contact with Cha Jeonghan, just having him beside me, that day’s kiss came to mind and it was hard. While trying not to show it, my helplessly trembling heart and the clear warmth that came over me moment by moment made me avoid him so Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t notice. I went home saying I was sick wanting to be alone, and cried loudly.
Without even turning on the lights, I crouched in the entrance and cried pathetically for a long time, and when I barely stopped, a vibration sounded. Only then did I pick up the phone lying haphazardly on the floor and checked the screen. Not paying attention to this side, I didn’t know, but there were over fifty messages. The sender was all Cha Jeonghan.
[Jeonghan: Are you very sick? Is it a cold?]
[Jeonghan: So suddenly? I’ll buy medicine]
[Jeonghan: Yuhyeon-ah]
[Jeonghan: Why no answer, you’re not even reading it]
[Jeonghan: Are you very sick? Did you get home?]
When I didn’t read or answer, Cha Jeonghan kept asking me where I was and if I was okay. Looking at Cha Jeonghan’s messages sending concern filled with worry without pause, I checked the last message that came a minute ago.
[Jeonghan: Coming up now]
Where? I couldn’t grasp the situation for a moment. Coming up where? Our house? Here? The moment I properly formed the thought, the bell rang. Thinking Cha Jeonghan was outside the entrance door I was leaning against, I didn’t know what to do. It would be best to get up and open the door casually saying I was sleeping so I didn’t see it, but even knowing that, I didn’t have the strength to execute it quickly.
The bell rang once more, and a bit later I heard the sound of pressing the password. Since we freely entered each other’s houses, it was natural for him to open the door and come in. I couldn’t face him sitting down, so I quickly got up. And the moment I grabbed the doorknob to open it, I was dragged out following the door that opened outward. Cha Jeonghan firmly caught me like that.
‘Were you home?’
‘Huh? Ah…. I was sl-sleeping.’
‘I see. I thought so, but after you said you were going home earlier, you didn’t read anything continuously so I thought something happened.’
‘What would happen….’
‘I thought you collapsed. Did you take medicine? I bought cold medicine just in case. Let’s go in.’
Cha Jeonghan, who gently held my arms with both hands and stroked them several times, took me inside. Then he placed the paper bag he’d brought on the dining table.
‘I bought porridge too. You can’t take medicine on an empty stomach. It’s warm, eat some now.’
‘I’ll eat later.’
‘Is your stomach bad?’
‘…Yeah. A little.’
Maybe because I’d been crying continuously, I had no energy and no appetite. I stood barely putting strength in my legs, gripping the table.
‘Then let’s eat later.’
The moment Cha Jeonghan moved his body slightly and turned on the light, my eyes automatically closed at the suddenly encountered brightness. I really just wanted to lie down now. Today, just facing Cha Jeonghan like this was too hard.
‘Yuhyeon-ah.’
Even that kind voice.
‘You cried?’
I couldn’t casually accept those eyes and heart that saw and knew me so well.
‘……’
‘Let’s go to the hospital. You’re that sick but why are you doing this here? Come out, let’s go.’
‘No…. I think I’ll be okay if I rest a bit. It’s not like somewhere hurts badly, I’m just tired and my condition isn’t good, that’s why….’
‘Is there something hard? No… if there was, I’d know. Is it really just bad condition?’
Cha Jeonghan’s words were right. We knew each other too well. Hard things, painful things, happy things… we shared everything. We were close enough to know everything, even very trivial things that could pass without saying and be no problem.
‘…Yeah. I just want to sleep a bit.’
That I came to see Cha Jeonghan with feelings beyond friendship was the first secret created between us. Cha Jeonghan didn’t know, but I did… and a secret I had to hide. Just the fact that a secret was created between us made me suffer from guilt for a long time. I couldn’t even comfort my own love.
‘Let’s go in.’
Even though I could walk alone, Cha Jeonghan supported me and took me to the bed. I was about to say it was okay but gave up since even speaking was hard. Cha Jeonghan pulled back the blanket, laid me down, and covered my body with the blanket. Sitting on the edge of the bed and quietly looking at me, he raised his hand and stroked my head.
‘Why are you sick?’
‘……’
‘It’s upsetting.’
‘……’
I shouldn’t cry but at that kind voice, tears kept coming. Cha Jeonghan looked at me crying with slightly surprised eyes. Not wanting to show this appearance, I turned my back to him sitting on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket over to the top of my head.
‘I… it’s okay to be alone… so go.’
‘How can I go when you’re crying?’
‘…Go. I want to be alone.’
‘I don’t want to leave you alone.’
‘……’
‘I’ll be in the living room.’
The sound of footsteps moving away and the door closing quietly came. I buried my face in the blanket and cried for a long time again like I’d been crying all along. I couldn’t stop because I kept thinking of Cha Jeonghan’s voice saying it was upsetting because of me.
My head was dazed and I cried until I had no strength left and couldn’t cry anymore, then listened to the quiet outside the door. Thinking he might have gone home while I was crying, I quietly left the room and saw Cha Jeonghan sitting alone in the quiet living room. When I went outside the room, Cha Jeonghan got up from the sofa.
‘Did you finish crying?’
‘…Yeah. I’m sorry for making you worry for no reason. My head keeps hurting. It hurts so I get irritated…. I’m sorry for showing an unseemly sight.’
‘What’s unseemly? It happens sometimes.’
Cha Jeonghan approached me standing still and bent down to embrace me as if comforting. That warmth of fully embracing me in his arms and patting my back could never be love. Realizing once again clearly that it wasn’t love, my tears rather dried. Because I realized crying wouldn’t change anything.
