Arriving home, watching Cha Jeonghan, who must have been tired, shower and immediately enter the bedroom, I also went into the room where I slept. It was earlier than my usual sleeping time, but I just wanted to lie down today and think about things that came to mind without avoiding them.
In the quiet, perfect darkness, I recalled Cha Jeonghan’s smiling face. Remembering Cha Jeonghan treating my sister kindly and trying not to create any awkward atmosphere made my heart… tighten. Those words saying he came to pick me up, and the touch of stroking my hair while telling me to rest—all of it gathered into my tightened heart. I buried my face in the blanket and let out the breath I’d been holding. Along with the breath, I felt my eyes become moist.
“……”
I always thought this, but I loved Cha Jeonghan’s kindness so much. And it also hurt so much. But more than anything, what hurt me was my contradictory love—unable to approach yet unable to stop.
* * *
After finishing a morning schedule, Cha Jeonghan came home and we ate a simple dinner at home, then waited for the entertainment program interview he’d recorded a while ago. Thinking it would be boring to just watch, I brought beer, melon, cherries and such. We lightly toasted with our beers. Cha Jeonghan leaned back against the sofa and looked at the screen indifferently with a face that said he wasn’t very curious, but I was very curious and excited since it was an interview I hadn’t seen.
“They only asked obvious questions. That’s why those kinds of interviews are boring.”
“It is a bit awkward to ask new questions. Unless it’s about work.”
“So why do they come to advertising sites to fill airtime and get ratings? There’s nothing to talk about regarding ads, and they ask what they asked before again and again saying it’s been a while.”
“Still, people like your interviews. They say you answer refreshingly. Oh! It’s starting.”
As Cha Jeonghan said, the questions were all clichéd things that seemed to have been asked somewhere before. Questions came in order: whether ad filming was enjoyable, if he was thinking about a next project, whether movies or dramas had more appeal—Cha Jeonghan answered refreshingly as if not bored at all, unlike the face he showed next to me now, while pulling out wise answers that wouldn’t cause any controversy.
<Alright, then it’s time for ‘Between these two, I choose this!’ For example, if I say summer, winter! Jeonghan-ssi would say!>
<Summer.>
<Yes! Just answer like that. Don’t think too deeply and just instinctively choose Cha Jeonghan-ssi’s honest answer as you are. Here we go! Beer, soju!>
<Soju.>
<Americano! Latte!>
<Americano.>
<A style that speaks honestly even if it hurts! A style that speaks indirectly so it doesn’t hurt!>
<A style that speaks honestly even if it hurts.>
<Mountain, ocean!>
<Ocean.>
<Dajeonghan, Mujeonghan!>
<Dajeonghan.>
<Last question! Friendship, love!>
<Friendship.>
Cha Jeonghan said friendship without a moment’s hesitation and looked at the reporter. Even though saying friendship wasn’t a confession, I hugged the cushion tightly for no reason, feeling like I’d received a big gift. Because my heart started beating like crazy.
<Oh my, friendship so decisively! You really chose it thinking there couldn’t be anything more decisive than this. I’ll give you one more chance. Friendship! Love!>
<Friendship.>
<Would it be okay even if your future destined partner saw this interview later? You spoke so decisively.>
The reporter seemed flustered by Cha Jeonghan’s too-decisive answer. Colorful subtitles covered the bottom of the screen to package the situation amusingly.
<I have a friend who’s more important to me than myself. That friend is more important than me, so I think it’s natural to choose friendship. Actually, for me it’s not a matter of choice.>
<Why am I not Cha Jeonghan-ssi’s friend? I’m so envious of your friend.>
With colorful subtitles hoping the friendship with his friend would last forever, the reporter began wrapping up the interview. Cha Jeonghan, who had finished his beer, placed the can on the table. I felt like I should say something, but I didn’t know what to say.
“That record will remain forever now… What if your girlfriend gets hurt feelings later? Just say love.”
“I’m not interested in someone who’d get hurt feelings over that. What about you, Ji Yuhyeon? Are you love?”
“…Huh? L-love?”
“I’m asking if you’d choose love.”
“I’m……”
Whether I chose friendship or love, in the end, it was Cha Jeonghan. Whatever answer I gave was the same for me. But since I couldn’t tell Cha Jeonghan that, I smiled slightly.
“Of course it’s friendship.”
“Yeah, that’s right. If you get someone later and push me to the back, I’ll follow you around like a nuisance and break you guys up.”
“I’d be too scared to even meet anyone.”
“If you have someone, tell me first.”
“Why? To follow us around like a nuisance and break us up?”
“I need to see if they treat Ji Yuhyeon well. You have to meet someone who treats you well, is as kind and good as you are. Absolutely. If they’re mean to you, I really can’t stand that.”
Whenever he worried about and cared for me so sincerely like this, his face was so serious it was cute. It didn’t seem necessary to be this serious, but Cha Jeonghan was too serious and earnest about these issues.
“Why are you so serious?”
“Because I mean it.”
“Okay. Then I should meet someone you choose for me. Would that work?”
“That sounds good.”
Cha Jeonghan smiled broadly and pulled me to lean back against the sofa. I knew all too well why Cha Jeonghan was doing this. As expected, Cha Jeonghan laid his head on my thigh and closed his eyes.
“Ah, that drama.”
“Yeah.”
“I contacted them saying I’d do it and they contacted me right away, but the writer and director said they wanted to meet once.”
“When? Is the date set?”
“Around next week. Come with me that day.”
“Okay. I’m already excited. I think it’ll be fun. Since you’re not doing any work these days, there are no dramas to watch… no movies either, I was bored.”
At my words, Cha Jeonghan opened his eyes and gestured for me to come closer as if he had something to say. Wondering what he was going to say, I lowered my head slightly, then Cha Jeonghan grabbed the back of my head and pushed it down. The moment I went down toward Cha Jeonghan’s face, I was so surprised I couldn’t breathe.
“You only look at my face anyway. Look like this. This is better than looking at a screen.”
It was an excessive joke. A friendly, somewhat excessive joke within the realm of excessive friendship that Cha Jeonghan could play because we were insanely close and familiar. Going down appropriately and facing his playful eyes at a certain distance, I was hurt a little. Not because of Cha Jeonghan but because of me. It was hard to hide and endure the impure desire to pretend to be crazy and go down a bit more to touch him, so I grabbed Cha Jeonghan’s hand and pulled it down, raised my body, and got up from my seat.
“Are you mad?”
I wished I was mad instead, but indescribable emotions swirled. I could feel his gaze looking at me, but not having the confidence to look, I moved my steps as they were and headed to my room. Cha Jeonghan walked faster than me from behind and blocked the door I was trying to enter. Seeing those eyes of apology, worry, and a bit of fluster, I wanted to collapse and cry loudly.
“You were startled. I’m sorry. My joke was too much.”
It wasn’t because I was startled or because Cha Jeonghan’s joke was too much, but I couldn’t say it wasn’t. Because there were no other words I could voice besides that.
“…I was startled. What if you got hurt doing that?”
“I won’t do it again. I was wrong.”
“…Okay. Go to sleep.”
“You really forgave me, right?”
“Yeah. I forgave you.”
As if not believing me, Cha Jeonghan, still blocking the door, looked down at me and tilted his head. He looked just like a big puppy whining for forgiveness after making a big mistake, so I ended up laughing. Cha Jeonghan laughed along seeing me laugh, and only then lifted his arm blocking the door to let me go inside.
“Then rest. Sleep well.”
“…Yeah. You sleep well too.”
Cha Jeonghan smiled with that face I often saw in high school and lightly closed the door. Even though we’d become thirty, Cha Jeonghan’s face still retained that boy’s appearance from back then. Whenever I saw teenage Cha Jeonghan’s face in his smile or in his focused appearance on something, it felt like a soft, hazy breeze blew through my heart.
I had to organize Cha Jeonghan’s schedule for next week and there was still some work left to do, so I couldn’t sleep, but my head was in turmoil so I lay on the bed for a moment. It seemed everything had flipped over and become a mess the moment my face got close to Cha Jeonghan’s.
“……”
I wanted to kiss him. I knew I could reach him if I’d lowered my face just a little, just a tiny bit more, so I wanted to just do it. What would have happened if I had? Could I be lying quietly on the bed like this now?
