I could see Chiwon walking behind the back of a large kid. I thought they might be friends, but seeing there was no conversation, it seemed they just had nearby seats. As I pondered what to say so Chiwon wouldn’t be startled, I was swept up in unnecessary boldness and hastened my steps. Thinking that if I appeared from the side, he might be a little conscious of me.
However, even as I passed by Chiwon’s side and had a brief conversation with Yeon Jaejeong, who had been introduced earlier as Roh Jinho’s friend, there was no sign that Chiwon was paying attention to me. Chiwon just walked with a silent face, holding a rag. Even when I glanced back pretending to look at something far away, he was only looking at the floor.
His indifferent face strangely made me feel disappointed. Chiwon seemed to have no interest in me at all. In fact, not just in me—he gave off an atmosphere of being detached from his surroundings.
Was he the type who liked being alone? It seemed like I shouldn’t talk to him. Until we rinsed the rags and came back, the subtle distance between Chiwon and me remained the same. Everything around was noisy, but only Chiwon’s vicinity was quiet.
I wasn’t particularly sociable. Kids who didn’t know me well said I had wide connections, but that wasn’t me—it was Junsu. If I hadn’t been paired with Junsu when I was in first year of middle school, I’d still be within a much narrower circle of relationships now. Having many good kids around me was also thanks to Junsu. I was actually the type who was shy around strangers.
I called out to Junsu in my mind. It doesn’t look like I can even talk to him, what should I do, Junsu? The distance between the classroom and bathroom wasn’t far, and I’d missed my opportunity. Watching Chiwon’s back heading toward the window, I sighed and started wiping the floor.
The entrance ceremony ended like that. I had a premonition that becoming close with Chiwon wouldn’t be easy.
Chiwon didn’t even do evening self-study, and when homeroom ended, he went home without looking back. During break time, he always sat in his seat just reading books. He never had conversations with anyone. I thought maybe I could at least greet him if we ran into each other while going to school in the morning, but Chiwon was one of the kids who came earliest in the class, so even that was impossible. For the first time in my life, I even came to school overcoming my morning drowsiness on my own, but no matter how early I got to school, Chiwon was always sitting in his seat reading a book. Maybe Chiwon lives at school? After packing his bag and leaving, when evening self-study ends he comes back to school again… I even had such absurd imaginings. Even if the orphanage and school were close, still, it seemed Chiwon didn’t have something called morning drowsiness.
“Ah, I’m dying of sleepiness…”
“You know you’re really stupid, right? Can’t you just go and say hi?”
“Am I you?”
“Kim Eorin being an idiot who wakes up early just to try to say hi once… But Chiwon’s really amazing too. How can he not give you a single glance? He must be really dense.”
Whether he knew or not that I was circling around him, Chiwon consistently just did his own thing with an indifferent expression. At this point, I wondered if he knew but was ignoring me.
But strangely, my goodwill toward Chiwon kept growing. I was anxious to somehow talk to him. Junsu said what if Chiwon turned out not to be a good kid, but I had my own conviction.
“When you smell pheromones, you can somewhat tell a person’s personality. It’s because you haven’t smelled that scent. I really thought the world was turning upside down.”
“…Fine, you do whatever you want.”
Whether Junsu made a dismayed expression or not, I didn’t care. It sounded like sophistry but it was sincere. Because of that tree scent that day, which seemed to seep in and was tremendously kind, I couldn’t think Chiwon would be a bad kid.
I found it hard to give up on Chiwon. No matter how much Chiwon put up walls, I thought an opportunity would come someday. Thankfully, we were in the same class anyway.
And it was around that time that I heard rumors about me and Chiwon.
No matter how few people you know, secrets always tend to leak out somehow. Because it was clear Chiwon wouldn’t welcome it, neither Junsu nor I had ever said a word about the orphanage. Nevertheless, the fact that Chiwon lived at Haebam Orphanage began to become known little by little. Afraid the rumor would grow bigger if I stepped in and said something, all I could do was stay quiet. Whatever I did, it felt like it would only be bad for Chiwon.
Except for Lee Kanghyeong, who was Chiwon’s deskmate, there were almost no kids who had had a conversation with Chiwon, and since Lee Kanghyeong wasn’t a conspicuous kid in the class either, no one knew what kind of kid Chiwon was. Still, from the outside, Chiwon seemed to like being alone and appeared quite indifferent to things that didn’t concern him. No matter how much of a ruckus the kids made in class or what trouble they caused, Chiwon would just watch silently. He seemed even more chic because his facial expressions didn’t change much. Though his eyes did get red sometimes.
Because of the difficult-to-approach atmosphere and the rumors about the orphanage, the kids in class were subtly wary of Chiwon. Moreover, whenever I got close to Chiwon, they would look at me with a somehow tense expression. Thanks to that, the path for me to approach Chiwon seemed to become even more distant.
Then there was a certain PE class.
The PE teacher said he couldn’t come and gave us free time. Junsu, who loved running around and playing, couldn’t miss such an opportunity. It was still a bit chilly since it wasn’t April yet. Because of that, the warm steamed buns sold at the school store were very popular, and Junsu proposed a basketball game with those buns at stake.
As soon as I heard the word basketball, I turned around and looked for Chiwon. It was because I remembered Grandfather’s words that Chiwon liked basketball. Though Chiwon didn’t step forward much, I wondered if he might join us for a basketball game, but when I found Chiwon, he was just turning his body to head toward the wall.
“You’re not playing?”
Making all the times I couldn’t even talk to him and just watched seem pointless, I grabbed Chiwon’s wrist and asked without thinking. It was more impulse than courage. I suddenly thought maybe this could be an opportunity. Whether he knew how nervous I was or not, Chiwon looked at me with a slightly surprised face, blinking his eyes.
“Huh?”
“You’re not going to play?”
Chiwon didn’t answer, but I arbitrarily thought that since he didn’t say no, it was fine, and pulled Chiwon along. Amusingly, I realized only after the basketball game was completely over that this was the first time I’d properly made eye contact with Chiwon in this brief moment.
He was a kid with pretty eyes. Chiwon was.
“Junsu-ya, let me and Chiwon join too.”
“Sure. We just need one more person.”
“…”
Seeing me bring Chiwon, Junsu grinned. Reading the situation, it seemed he’d been watching from the time I talked to Chiwon.
There was a kid named Jung Woojin who sat behind Chiwon, the tallest kid in class. He wasn’t really the type to step forward either, so he definitely hadn’t exchanged many words with Chiwon, but Junsu jumped around and clung to Woojin asking him to play basketball together. Watching that scene, I realized I was still holding Chiwon’s wrist and hurriedly let go. Chiwon, who was only looking down at the floor, didn’t seem to care at all, so I sighed. It was pathetic being restless by myself.
“Wow shit, Kim Eorin’s on the other team.”
Junsu brought the ball and we divided teams by flipping palms. When I ended up on the same team as Chiwon, I was certain today was the day. I thought this time I really had to talk to him properly. Whether Junsu, who ended up on the other team, grumbled or not, I secretly clenched my fist tight.
“How should we do the bet?”
“It’s hard to time it. First to 20 points?”
“Sounds good.”
“Kim Eorin, get ready to be crushed.”
“That’s my line, bastard.”
Giggling as usual, I suddenly became conscious of Chiwon and glanced toward him. Chiwon was standing looking into the distance. Ah, I cursed for no reason. I adjusted my bangs and urged the kids to start the game quickly.
Since we won rock-paper-scissors, we had first possession. I was a little expectant about what expression the always calm Chiwon would make when playing basketball, which he liked. I glanced toward Chiwon briefly before the game started, and surprisingly, our eyes met. Not expecting that, I couldn’t even look away and stared blankly at Chiwon.
But somehow I got the feeling Chiwon was troubled. Not keeping his hands still and blinking as he looked at me, he seemed to have a lot to say. I suddenly worried that maybe he didn’t want to play the game and I’d dragged him into it for no reason. I was about to ask if he didn’t want to play when the game started just then. I had no choice but to run out for now.
When I caught the ball Woojin passed and looked ahead, Chiwon was looking at me. Thinking I’d trust him with it, I passed the ball to Chiwon. Chiwon kept having a dazed impression, but for that, his dribbling was tremendously skilled. Since he did seem to like basketball after all, I relaxed and watched Chiwon. But as soon as I thought that, Chiwon lost the ball.
I chased after it earnestly, but before I could even try to steal the ball, Kang Yeongjin received the pass and made a layup. Through the kids returning while high-fiving, I saw Chiwon with his head lowered. Worried that he might be discouraged, I approached and suddenly realized.
Because his younger siblings were too young, Chiwon had played basketball alone. So even if his dribbling was skilled, he might not be good at games. If that was the case, there seemed to be something else Chiwon was good at. When I stood in front of Chiwon, Chiwon raised his head and looked at me.
Chiwon’s eyes looked at me. As I’d thought earlier, they were round and clear, truly pretty eyes. Looking closely, Chiwon’s face was quite gentle and cute. But it was puzzling why the atmosphere was so cynical.
Afraid other kids might hear, I lowered my head toward Chiwon. In truth, I also had a bit of a dark intention of wondering if I could smell his pheromones if I got close. But I could see Chiwon’s neck and jaw, exposed above the gym clothes, stiffening rigidly. I was quite surprised inside by that reaction but tried not to show it as I slowly spoke.
“Go ahead and wait.”
As expected, I couldn’t smell his pheromones. To try to reassure Chiwon, who somehow seemed frightened of me, I tapped Chiwon’s shoulder for no reason.
