“Teacher, aren’t you eating?”
“Yeah. I don’t have an appetite.”
“Nooo, that’s not good. You won’t be stwong.”
“Just let it slide for today. I’ll eat well tomorrow.”
“But Teacher, you didn’t eat yesterday either.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll definitely be a strong boy tomorrow.”
“Mmm…, okay then.”
Jiwon, clutching a fork-spoon in his hand, valiantly tackled the stir-fried potatoes. It seemed like he was planning to eat everything I couldn’t. I let out a sigh, making sure Jiwon couldn’t hear it.
Even after my birthday passed, Eorin continued to work overtime. If there was one thing that had changed from before, it was that I had started waiting for Eorin in the living room. At first, Eorin had been flustered and tried to stop me, saying I must be tired and shouldn’t do that, but now he habitually opened the front door and greeted me with “I’m home.”
I would end up falling asleep only after Eorin came home anyway, so it wasn’t particularly difficult. That trivial effort stemmed from a bit of guilt and gratitude—for the days he must have struggled trying to prepare for a birthday even the person himself had forgotten, and for the days he had to return to a house with only a light left on and no one waiting. The reason I hadn’t waited for Eorin was purely because it made me uncomfortable. But that wasn’t right. Especially when I knew all too well how lonely a house without anyone waiting could make you feel.
Very occasionally, there were days when Eorin would come home with a couple of cans of beer in his hands. It wasn’t that Eorin liked drinking. He always came home late at night, but he’d never once been late because of a drinking gathering or company dinner. Still, on the days Eorin came home carrying beer, I would bring out some snacks from the kitchen and sit on the sofa. Then I would watch TV with Eorin, sip beer, exchange a few words, and fall asleep.
The TV, the beer, and even the trivial conversations we shared—none of it was important. What mattered was simply that there was someone to end the day with. It was laughable that I could barely get through each day thanks to the comfort I received from the very person I wanted to run away from most, but that’s how it was.
I knew it wasn’t wise to just keep burying things. But for me, that was the easiest method. The comfort that came from shallow quick fixes could only be shallow in the end.
So it was inevitable that I’d get a little tired. I wiped Jiwon’s mouth.
It was that evening. Whether my physical condition was poor, I’d had no appetite for several days. Today, my head felt especially heavy. Noticing my sunken state, Jiwon was kind enough to spend the day quietly, and before going to bed, he held my hand tightly and told me not to be sick. I smiled and nodded at Jiwon, then sat on the sofa as usual and waited for Eorin.
Eorin came home a little past eleven o’clock. Eorin had beer in his hands, and I brought out the fried shrimp that had been Jiwon’s dinner side dish.
And it was Eorin who broke the silence that should have continued as usual.
“…So today, I got a call.”
“From who?”
“…Junsu.”
Without realizing it, my hands trembled. The moment that name lodged itself in my ears, it felt like time had stopped. My breath caught in my throat.
“…”
“I usually meet up with Hyeonho and Woojin sometimes, but everyone’s been so busy lately we couldn’t really meet… So he called to say hi.”
What kind of response should I give? I slowly opened my eyes that I’d been closing. My eyelids trembled finely. It would be good if I looked drowsy.
“I see.”
I just muttered that and smiled as if nothing was wrong. That was all I could say. In the corner of my vision, I caught sight of Eorin looking at my face, his lips twitching. But I stubbornly kept looking at the TV and blocked my mouth with beer.
“…”
Eorin, who had been about to continue speaking, suddenly stood up from his seat. Only after seeing Eorin’s back as he headed to the bathroom did I feel relieved.
I hadn’t expected to suddenly hear Junsu’s name. The area below my chest ached. Feeling like it would rise to my eyes at any moment, I hastily gulped down the beer. At least so I could make the excuse that I was flushed from the alcohol.
When Eorin returned around the time my beer can was hitting empty, he sat down next to me and silently finished the remaining beer. I was rather grateful for the silence. I hoped Eorin wouldn’t talk about his friends anymore. Either way, it was one of the things I’d buried.
I fell ill starting that night.
It had been a very long time since I’d been sick enough that I couldn’t even come to my senses. Ever since I’d started living with just the teacher, I’d never been bedridden from illness. Rather than not being sick, it was more accurate to say I’d come to regard being sick as insignificant. I realized I was a much tougher person than I’d thought. That even being sick became bearable if you just endured it.
My throat was parched but I couldn’t budge. The rising fever rippled and pulled me down, and my body sank endlessly. When I opened my mouth and gasped the heat-scorched breaths, my dry throat hurt as if being scraped. I could barely manage to hold up my head. Gradually suffocating, a groan escaped me without realizing it.
Just then, a sweet scent reached the tip of my nose. It was a familiar scent. The scent that lingered briefly soon moved away from me. Even in the midst of my pain, I thought it was fortunate my body was as heavy as a water-logged sponge. Because I couldn’t reach out and grab him.
But that scent returned to me again. And soon after, lukewarm water touched my lips. I frantically drank the water. With my lips moistened, breathing seemed to become a little easier. Drawing strength from that, I hazily opened my eyes. My head throbbed.
“Chiwon-ah.”
It was a dawn with a hazy light. At a time when the sun hadn’t even risen yet, Eorin was remarkably awake. I tried to get up, but strength wouldn’t enter my body. Eorin pressed down on my shoulder.
“Stay lying down.”
“…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t even know you were sick…”
It was dark so I couldn’t see Eorin’s expression well. Eorin’s hand touched my forehead.
“You have a high fever. Chiwon-ah, let’s go to the hospital.”
I shook my head. It was just a body-ache cold. There was no need to go to the hospital.
“Then I’ll at least bring some fever reducer, so take that. Wait a moment. Don’t fall asleep.”
Eorin got up from beside me. I hated the warmth moving away. I must have gotten used to it in that brief moment—the place it left felt too cold.
I took the medicine Eorin brought and swallowed it, and as soon as I laid my head on the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep. Until my vision went completely dark, Eorin didn’t leave my side.
When I opened my eyes again, it was morning. I’d been in a light sleep in a drowsy state, and then my mind snapped awake at the thought of Jiwon that unconsciously crossed my mind. The moment I opened my eyes and bolted upright, there was a touch that caught me from the side.
“Stay lying down longer. Your fever hasn’t gone down yet.”
“…Eorin-ah?”
My voice was completely hoarse, making a scratching sound. Only then did a dry cough burst out several times. As my back bent involuntarily from the coughing, my whole body throbbed as if I’d been beaten. Eorin handed me a cup of water, but I couldn’t even think of drinking it.
“Why are you here? What about the company…?”
“How could I go anywhere when you’re sick?”
“I’m fine… So go to work.”
“You’re not fine, so lie down, quickly.”
“What about Jiwon? I couldn’t feed him breakfast…”
“I fed him. Chiwon-ah, worry about yourself first.”
Eorin rubbed my forehead with the back of his hand. The back of his hand touching me felt cool.
“I asked Secretary Cha to buy medicine, so wait a little. Can you eat porridge?”
My mouth was so parched that I didn’t think I could swallow anything at all. I shook my head.
“You need to eat at least a little… I’ll make it thin, let’s eat even just that.”
“…You’re… going to make porridge?”
“Of course, who else would if not me?”
“…Okay.”
Eorin gently pushed me down to lie back and covered me with the blanket up to my neck. Then he placed a wet towel on my forehead and left the room.
Making porridge. The fact that Eorin knew how to make porridge made me strangely want to laugh. The kid who used to stab an onion with a knife, calling it slicing.
It seemed I really wasn’t in my right mind from the fever. I was laughing through my nose but tears were also coming out. I tried to raise my hand to wipe my face with the wet towel placed on my forehead, but my arm hurt terribly with a tingling sensation. I thought this was the worst body-ache I’d had in my entire life. Even having clothes brush against my skin hurt, so I gave up on trying to raise my hand and turned my head to rub my face against the pillow. Thanks to that, the wet towel fell off my forehead, but I just left it. I didn’t want to do anything.
Just then, I heard the sound of the door opening carefully. When I turned my head slightly, I saw Jiwon holding onto the door. I hurriedly stopped Jiwon.
“Jiwon-ah, you can’t come in.”
“…Teacher.”
“It’ll be terrible if Jiwon catches it, cough!”
In the middle of speaking, my throat seemed to close up and a cough burst out, making Jiwon look at me with a tearful face.
“Teacher can’t be sick. What can Jiwon do to help you feel better?”
Ah, Jiwon really is Eorin’s son. At that moment, I amusingly thought that. The way he spoke was exactly alike. I laughed through my nose again. Tears ran down my temples.
“Teacher, are you cwying? Does it hurt?”
“No… I’m fine.”
“Teacher’s voice is stwange…”
“It’s because of the cold, my voice will come back tomorrow. Until then, Jiwon-teacher can’t come next to me.”
“Okay…”
“I’m sorry. I’ll get better soon and come give Jiwon a big hug.”
At my words, Jiwon nodded while holding a dinosaur doll in his arms, then closed the door and disappeared. I let out a sigh. Even that breath was so hot that I felt drained.
Ding-dong, the doorbell rang. Secretary Cha must have arrived. There was the sound of someone rushing over, then murmuring voices going back and forth, and after a moment the bedroom door opened. Eorin, holding a tray in his hands, walked toward me with big strides.
“Chiwon-ah, are you crying? Does it hurt?”
That was exactly the same as what Jiwon said, so I ended up laughing with a strange “hehe” sound. Eorin must have sensed my state of being half out of my mind, because he checked my fever with a hardened expression, then wiped my face with the wet towel.
“I brought porridge, so eat this, take medicine, and if you sleep a bit more you’ll be okay.”
“I don’t want to eat…”
“The porridge? The medicine?”
The impulse to act a little childishly suddenly raised its head. I was about to say “both,” but held back. They say people become weak when they’re sick, but that wasn’t it. You don’t become weak from being sick—you become weak from having someone to take care of you.
“Let’s eat just a little, okay?”
Eorin carefully helped me sit up and placed the tray of porridge on my lap. Because of my tingling, throbbing arms, I almost dropped the spoon several times in the middle, but I stubbornly ate the porridge. Even so, my mouth tasted bitter so I couldn’t go on for long before putting it down. Eorin coaxed me to eat just a little more, but I shook my head and held out my palm, asking for the medicine.
