It wasn’t time for Eorin to come home yet, but I heard a sound from the entryway. But it wasn’t the sound of the door lock opening—it was the doorbell. Aside from delivery drivers or Secretary Cha, hardly anyone visited this house, so feeling puzzled, I left Jiwon in the living room and headed to the entryway.
“Who is it?”
“Chiwon-ah, it’s me.”
I heard Eorin’s voice from beyond the door. It was still a long time before he got off work. Why didn’t he just open the door himself and ring the doorbell instead? I called out Eorin’s name and opened the door. But in that instant, a floral scent spread through the air.
“Eorin-ah!”
“Chiwon-ah, happy birthday.”
Beyond the entryway stood Eorin, holding a bouquet of flowers and smiling somewhat sheepishly.
“Appa!”
Jiwon came running from behind and clung to my leg.
“It’s Appa’s birthday! I held it in!”
“Good job.”
“Hehe. Uncle, happy birthday!”
“Uh, um…”
I felt completely dazed. The last time I’d received birthday wishes was when I was twenty-four. The day the teacher, lying in the hospital bed, smiled apologetically for not having a gift to give. The moment I recalled that, it suddenly felt like something had lodged itself in my chest. I covered my mouth with my hand. If I didn’t, it felt like I’d vomit something up. Something old and musty.
Don’t do this. You decided to bury it.
“…Chiwon-ah?”
“Ah… no. Just a moment…”
I took a deep breath. I wondered if Eorin had noticed my breath coming out shaky. Slowly, I took the bouquet Eorin was holding. I could feel Eorin’s gaze on my face.
“…Thank you. I didn’t think you’d remember my birthday. So, um! So…”
The bouquet had a fragrant smell. It wasn’t a flashy bouquet. It was a bouquet with baby’s breath blooming abundantly among large blue flowers whose names I didn’t know. But through the vivid fragrance as bright as the white and blue colors, I could faintly detect a vanilla scent.
“I was just a little surprised… Yeah. Thank you.”
“…”
“Uncle, go inside and blow. Say happy birthday~ thank you~.”
“Ah, okay.”
Jiwon grabbed the hem of my pants and pulled me inside. Only then did I realize I’d come down to the entryway without even putting on shoes.
“Chiwon-ah.”
As I was about to go inside, Eorin’s call stopped me. I was watching Jiwon’s retreating back, then turned my head. Eorin was standing in the afternoon sunlight, looking at me.
“You…”
“…”
“Thank you… for being born. I mean it…”
A careful voice. A face hardened beyond being able to read his inner thoughts.
I knew I would cry in bed tonight. So I postponed the tears for later, and smiled a little instead.
“Thank you.”
The twenty-nine-year-old Chiwon would smile like this and answer like this. So that’s what I did. But at my thanks, Eorin made that expression again—like sunlight wasn’t reaching him. Like the expression he’d made that day we met again, when I said I’d been well.
What part of me makes Eorin sink like this? Sometimes I found the gap between Eorin and me difficult to understand. Pretending not to notice, I grabbed the doorknob and led Eorin inside. Eorin’s steps seemed to stumble a little, but it was probably my imagination. Because he was someone whose gait was always proper.
Coming into the living room, Eorin held out a large box he’d been carrying. Inside the box was a black stuffed bear that looked soft and fluffy.
“It’s Number 1. Since it’s commemorative, the lead designer made it by hand. Here, this part I did myself… so it’s a bit clumsy, right? I originally tried to make the whole thing myself, but that just wasn’t working. I don’t have the manual dexterity…”
Eorin smiled sheepishly. So, in other words, it was a one-of-a-kind bear in the world. I knew that prototypes weren’t something you could just whip up on a whim, and that just making them didn’t mean you were done. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that it was completed right on my birthday. So Eorin had been busy working overtime all this time to move up the schedule. All because of one gift to give me on my birthday.
“Appa, does this toy make sounds too?”
“Sound? No, it doesn’t make sounds. If it made sounds, the belly would have to be hard, right? Appa thinks bear dolls should be soft and squishy.”
“Jiwon likes it too.”
My imagination, which had extended endlessly, even reached the reason why Eorin had founded a toy company. I shook my head to dispel the delusion. As if it could be because of a bear doll—there’s no reason Eorin would do that. Stop it, please. You stubborn fool.
“Thank you. I don’t know if I should be receiving something like this.”
“It’s a birthday present.”
Eorin grinned.
“Should we go out for something delicious for dinner?”
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah. That’s why I left work early. Is there anything you want to eat?”
“No… anything’s fine.”
“Jiwon wants to eat meat. This big.”
Jiwon brought her hands together in a rounded shape with her fingers curled. I think she was talking about the hamburg steak I’d made for her once before.
“Hamburg steak?”
“Ah, hamburg steak? Then should we go to a family restaurant? That’s okay, right, Chiwon-ah?”
“Kyaa!”
Jiwon clung to me excitedly. I picked up Jiwon and gently rubbed my cheek against hers. While telling myself not to think about anything else, just accept it gratefully.
After eating dinner, Eorin even stuck candles in the cake he’d brought. I desperately stopped the staff members who tried to do a birthday event, so Eorin and Jiwon sang the congratulatory song together, just the two of them. Jiwon, who’d been watching me and Eorin nervously and anxiously waiting only for the song to end, quickly blew out the candles as soon as the last verse was sung and laughed with a mischievous face. Eorin lit the candles one more time and told me to make a wish, and I wished to have nothing to desire.
After eating cream cake until our stomachs were about to burst and returning home, Jiwon wriggled around and brought something from her room. It was a card covered in dinosaur stickers. It looked like she’d drawn something with crayons, and Jiwon said it was me, herself, and Appa.
After carefully brushing her teeth and patting her belly, Jiwon fell asleep right away. Jiwon almost never fussed before bed. Even when she whined that sleep had run away, she would close her eyes drowsily after I sang her a few songs. I kissed her pale cheek once and came out of the room to find Eorin sitting on the sofa.
“Jiwon really seems to like you.”
“Hm?”
“She falls asleep right away when you’re next to her. She’s actually quite sensitive, so if even one thing bothers her, she absolutely refuses to sleep.”
Hmm… I wasn’t really sure, but she did seem to have a stubborn streak. Jiwon only used the pillow and blanket she was used to.
“Chiwon-ah. Do you drink?”
“Uh… I haven’t drunk much before…”
“Want to have some wine?”
I had no reason to refuse, so I silently nodded. Then Eorin walked to the kitchen and brought out wine and two glasses.
“I don’t drink much either, so I don’t even have wine glasses. Is that still okay?”
“Yeah.”
I didn’t know enough about the taste of alcohol to be picky about this and that. I could count on my fingers the number of times I’d been to drinking gatherings.
The wine, which had a pale yellow tint, was slightly sour, astringent, and sweet. It wasn’t the taste I’d imagined whenever I looked at wine, but it wasn’t that bad. The two of us sitting side by side sipped the wine in silence for a while. Even the TV volume wasn’t loud, so silence settled between us. Then Eorin spoke.
“Chiwon-ah. Coming here… it’s not too hard, is it?”
“…Yeah. What’s there to be hard about.”
The work itself wasn’t hard. The job of looking after ten-plus kids had been reduced to just one. If you were asking about my heart, that would be different…
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I could sense a subtle vanilla scent. When he came home, Eorin didn’t try to forcibly suppress his pheromones. Enough that I could feel it even without being right next to him.
Eorin felt this place where I was as home. I pressed down the emotion that suddenly welled up.
“If that’s what you say… then I guess it must be so.”
Eorin’s voice grew smaller. It resembled shadows somewhere.
“…I thought it was a relief that you smiled.”
Ah. I didn’t want to hear what came next. I inhaled and hurriedly brought the wine to my lips. Sharing inner feelings with Eorin wasn’t something I wanted to do. I had no intention of setting foot in deep. In any case, my plan was to leave here once Eorin was settled. I didn’t want to increase the things I’d take with me when I left.
“…”
Eorin said nothing more. I thought to myself it was fortunate.
Eorin and I took turns filling our glasses with wine. As if we thought we could fill the silence with wine. So the wine, which had been just one bottle, ran out quickly, and Eorin and I exchanged good night greetings and returned to our respective rooms.
I closed the door and turned around, then slowly moved my steps. In the faint light of the lamp on the nightstand, I could see the black bear doll and Jiwon’s birthday card. The mouth part of the bear that Eorin said he’d done was a little crooked. As I carefully smoothed over that part, I impulsively opened the drawer.
Was I getting tipsy from drinking just that little bit of wine? I reached for the phone I hadn’t turned on even once in so long. I doubted whether it would even turn on at this point. I held the phone in my hand and rolled it around a few times, then shoved the phone, the bear doll, and the birthday card all into the drawer and shut it firmly.
On top of the dresser was a picture frame containing a photo of the teacher. I rubbed it out of habit. A voice from memory came back to life.
‘Happy birthday, Chiwon-ah.’
“…Teacher.”
Someone told me they were grateful I was born. Even though today isn’t actually when I was born. Even though I don’t even know when I was born… That kid says he’s relieved that I smiled.
The things I’m taking with me keep increasing. If this continues, I’ll become too heavy and end up collapsing eventually.
“Burying things is really… so hard. It’s too hard.”
I rubbed my face. Tears I didn’t know when they’d appeared made my hands wet. I was scared of the top drawer that kept getting heavier, and I missed the teacher’s smiling face above it more than usual today, so tears kept flowing. I stood in front of it and cried endlessly.
