Please worry about yourself for once. It seemed like I heard a hallucination. Was it the teacher’s voice, or someone else’s? I lowered my eyes. I knew well that there was no one left to scold me now.
The man’s face lit up as he personally opened the car door for me. Having no immunity to such manners, I got into the car somewhat shrinking back.
After driving for about 30 minutes, the place the man arrived at was a hotel. Since I’d only ever gone between home and the daycare center, I looked around wondering if there had been a place like this here, when the man led me upward.
“Um…”
I was starting to suspect that someone had called for the wrong person. Who on earth had called for me to send a car with a person and tell me to come to a hotel? The man floundered when he noticed my reluctant expression.
“Ah, it’s really okay. It’s not dangerous either, um, what I can tell you is… Ah, boss…”
The man covered his face with a troubled expression. Boss? Could it be that the boss is waiting upstairs? Why would the toy company boss want me? Questions piled up. Because of the man who was even bowing his head to me in request, I was at a loss but eventually sighed and followed him. What was all this about?
When we arrived in front of the door of the room where that “boss” was supposed to be, the man pressed the bell by the door and said, “The person from the daycare center has arrived.” Then the door opened with a click.
“Please go in.”
Though brief, I thought it would be better to have a face I’d gotten familiar with beside me, so I appealed with my eyes asking if he couldn’t go into that room with me where I didn’t know who might be inside. However, the man only pointed inside the door with a troubled expression. I sighed and went inside.
One step, two steps—I, who had been slowly walking inside, ended up stopping in place. Because the person who had been waiting for me in the room unexpectedly seemed like a familiar face.
“…Hello, Chiwon-ah.”
The person sitting at the table who spotted me and jumped up was Eorin.
“Have you… been well?”
No words would come out. What kind of expression was I making right now? Eorin took a few steps toward me and stopped.
“I’m sorry, you must be very surprised. I was in a hurry, I had no choice…”
If I’m twenty-nine, then Eorin must be twenty-nine too. Eorin wearing a black suit seemed much taller than the Eorin in my memory. And much more, how should I say. My Eorin had stopped at seventeen, so I found the adult Eorin far too unfamiliar.
“…Chiwon-ah.”
Eorin had a stiff expression the whole time. I suddenly remembered that when Eorin in high school got nervous, he had a habit of his face stiffening. It was a memory that had been buried for so long it was now almost forgotten. It was somehow devastating that I still remembered Eorin’s habits. Could I not escape from you? Why did you try to meet me?
Are you nervous right now? I’ve lived forgetting about you for over 10 years, so I don’t really know your expressions anymore. I swallowed my words.
Me unable to say anything, you having become too much of an adult. I swallowed hard and gripped the strap of the crossbody bag I was wearing tightly.
“…Hello. …Eorin-ah.”
I had to stay up countless nights trying not to call your name… Eorin always easily brought me down.
“For now, …want to sit? Here.”
Eorin pulled out the chair across from him. I swallowed dry saliva once more and slowly approached Eorin.
Suddenly there was a vanilla scent. I almost collapsed right there. It was fortunate there was a chair right in front. I hurriedly sat down on the chair to hide my legs giving out and secretly caught my breath.
Was it originally this scent? This deep and strong… Even the scent had become adult. During the time I didn’t know, Eorin had changed far too much.
“You grew taller.”
That’s right. When I stopped crying anymore, as if going through growing pains, I grew a bit taller. I took the mug Eorin held out to me. There was a tea bag of something unknown inside.
“It’s black tea. Don’t you like it? I’m sorry, this was all there was. Maybe…”
“Why did you call me?”
I hadn’t meant to cut him off. At the words pushed out by impatience, I bit my tongue inside my mouth trying to hide my dismay. My insides were too complicated. I wanted to leave here quickly. I fiddled with the cup in my hands, urging Eorin’s answer.
“If you have something to say, please say it quickly.”
“…”
“Why did you call me?”
“…I have a favor to ask you.”
“What favor?”
“…I was… married. Did you know?”
I barely managed to nod. Why was he bringing up this story?
“When grandfather collapsed and Haebam… became like that, I went to Belgium with my parents. Then I came back to Korea during university… At that time, someone who said they were grandfather’s friend contacted me and I got marr… married to that person’s granddaughter. I didn’t want to stay within Haebam’s fence… That side also had their own reasons, no, ah… Anyway, I got divorced recently…”
Rambling incoherently. If I were told to recite the days I’d lived, would I talk like that too? Eorin seemed quite flustered and troubled as he rubbed his face. Then at the word divorce that popped out, I almost dropped the cup I was holding.
“Di… vorce?”
“…Yeah. I got divorced. Last year.”
Since I’d deliberately avoided articles related to Eorin after the news of Eorin’s marriage, this was the first time I was hearing about it. When I didn’t say anything in particular, Eorin continued.
“That person I was married to had someone they loved. From a very long time ago. My marriage was probably… very different from what you think marriage is. That person decided to be with their lover and left.”
From Eorin’s expression as he said that, I tried to find fragments of emotion. In case Eorin had liked that person even a little, in case he’d been hurt. In case it had hurt a lot. But Eorin had a calm face throughout.
“But right after getting married, I… adopted a child. It was a newborn baby…”
Eorin, who had been talking while looking down at the table, suddenly raised his head and looked at me. I, who had been observing Eorin while taking advantage of him not looking at me, hurriedly lowered my gaze. But Eorin’s hand holding the cup came into my field of vision.
Eorin’s hand was trembling. Was it an illusion? In the time it took me to close and open my eyes, Eorin’s hand was hidden below the table.
“I moved this time when I started work… The child is too lonely. So I needed someone to help, and I thought of you. I was hoping you could… take care of the child…”
This time Eorin’s voice came trembling. Before I could even be surprised at Eorin’s words asking me to take care of a child, I looked at Eorin’s face with a just-in-case thought.
Eorin was crying.
“Eo… Eorin-ah.”
“I’m sorry. Just wait a moment. Just a moment…”
I stood up from my seat not knowing what to do and approached Eorin. Not even once had I ever seen Eorin cry. Eorin raised his hand to cover his eyes and took a deep breath. At the sight of him trying to stop his tears while holding back his intermittently trembling breath, I quietly stood up and approached Eorin. The shoulders I looked down at seemed quite precarious, so I gently placed my hand on those shoulders.
There hadn’t been many stories exchanged. What happened during the 12 years I wasn’t there, how Eorin had lived—the things I couldn’t know from just the past Eorin haltingly recited for me were vast. But in that face where Eorin burst into tears, I knew. Eorin was terribly exhausted.
What on earth made you so exhausted? I, who had wanted to run away from unfamiliarity and fear, ended up feeling sorry for Eorin.
You were someone I only wished would shine. I believed without doubt that you would shine. However… I had never wished for or imagined an Eorin with such a precarious expression. I only wished for you to be happy… Are you driven to a cliff enough to reach out your hand to me who only passed by long ago? I stood blankly next to Eorin swallowing his tears and looked at the joined shadows. The shadow that had become as dark as two people’s worth.
That’s how my ankle was caught. I was always helpless when it came to Eorin.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”
Eorin muttered apologies. Not really knowing what the apology was for, I whispered that it was okay.
Around the time Eorin’s tears were stopping, I looked at Eorin and said to give me time to sort things out around me. I had to talk to the daycare center too… If I quit right away, it would cause trouble for the daycare center. As soon as Eorin realized that my hesitantly offered words were a positive answer to his story, he lowered his head and held his breath to hide the tears that were about to leak out again.
How did you find me, why was it me? There were mountains of things I should ask, but now wasn’t the time. While searching for a reason in myself who was surprisingly calm, I realized I was pitying Eorin right now. Ah, I was such a bottom-level human. Even if unintentional, as soon as the old one-sided love interest who I’d unilaterally feared because he’d hurt me showed me the gap opened by wounds, I arbitrarily pitied that gap and felt sorry to my heart’s content. That’s how I erased my fear.
Silently waiting for Eorin to calm down while chewing over my own vileness, I took a couple steps back from Eorin. In case Eorin, noticing someone like me, would be hurt.
“…Contact me when you’re all sorted out. I’ll come pick you up.”
“Okay.”
The conversation wasn’t long. Taking Eorin’s home address and phone number, I gathered my bag and prepared to go back. I wanted to go home and rest quickly. Even though earlier it was a place I so didn’t want to go to.
When I’d taken a few steps and reached the door, Eorin, who had been quiet, suddenly called me.
“Chiwon-ah.”
Why was only that call not unfamiliar? I turned my head.
“…Have you been well?”
He’d said the exact same thing earlier when I first entered the room and we met. After quietly looking at Eorin, I nodded quietly.
“Yeah.”
I’d clearly said I’d been well… At my short answer, Eorin somehow made an expression like he was about to crumble.
When I left through the door, the man who had brought me here straightened his body that had been leaning and his face lit up.
“Did the conversation go well?”
“Yes.”
“…”
The man looked at me with a face waiting for something. I opened my mouth because I thought I knew what that person wanted.
“If you give me a little time, after I finish sorting things out, I’ll contact… you again, we agreed.”
