“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I was always sorry. For rashly taking responsibility and dragging you out… making you suffer and struggle…”
“What are you saying? If it weren’t for you, Teacher, I…”
“I always… thought. Why was I…”
For a moment, familiar silence came. Only when it became difficult to move her hands did the teacher cover her face and stop hiding her tears.
“Why was I… not your mother?”
“…”
“Why wasn’t I your mother…? It’s a strange thought, isn’t it? But it’s sincere. A mother, at an age when I should be called grandmother… haha.”
“Teacher.”
“Why wasn’t I your mother? I love you this much, it would have been nice if I had been your mother… Then you wouldn’t have been alone there that day…”
“Mom.”
“…”
“Mom.”
It was the first time calling someone mom. But the moment I called the teacher mom, I realized this was so right. I also realized it would have been good if I had known earlier. Only after putting it in my mouth did I know, but ‘mom’ had a very tender resonance.
At my call, the teacher couldn’t continue her words, then whispered thank you in a completely hoarse voice. I held the teacher’s hand and cried like a child. The teacher had become a teacher for me, had become a mother for me, and sometimes had become a friend for me. She was the only family left in the world.
The teacher felt sorry even that I was paying hospital bills and nursing her. And in the end, she even took away the opportunity for me to repay her kindness even that much.
Not long after I called her mom, the teacher passed away. I was twenty-four.
At last, I stood alone in the world. That standing alone, which would have come much earlier originally, began only when I could think I had become an adult myself thanks to the teacher’s kindness. The teacher left me many things. I made both the teacher and all those things I received into memories and put them away.
It would be a lie to say I didn’t think of what I had left behind. Seventeen-year-old Yoochiwon was the happiest in my life. At first, I thought of it every day. And every day I swallowed my tears. I who had no one to miss learned longing for the first time then, and learned that longing could also eat away at a person. Why is longing buried everywhere, poking at my heart out of the blue?
Day by day I grew exhausted. There were days when I got suddenly angry. Is being an adult originally this hard and lonely, I once asked the teacher like that. Sitting me down as I swallowed tears, the teacher patted my hand. Chiwon-ah, a person’s heart is round in shape. Sometimes it sticks out pointy and hurts, but if you roll around, it becomes round again. That’s becoming dulled. Right now it’s full of thorns so it only hurts, but soon it will become round again, and by then you’ll be able to take out memories while smiling.
While listening to that story, I was scared my thorns might stab the teacher’s hand that was comforting me. But the teacher rather said her hand should touch my thorns. Sometimes other people’s hands more easily calm thorns.
Those words were true. Becoming dulled was an instant. The chest that occasionally hurt sharply also became calm before long. There were more times when it wouldn’t come to mind unless I forcibly thought of it, and even when it occasionally came to mind, tears didn’t well up.
But my heart still seemed to have some square parts remaining. I absolutely couldn’t take out that time while smiling. Did I get bruised in those parts from rolling around after being stabbed by thorns?
There was also a name that hurt just to recall. Eorin… Kim Eorin.
On days when that name, face, voice, laughter, body scent came to mind, I spent the night with open eyes comforting my heart. It will be okay. When I repeated it all night like that, I really felt like it would be okay. It was harder because there were so many memories of Eorin that they were difficult to count on my hands, but still I barely calmed them.
I buried everything in my heart. I thought I could live with it buried.
When the newly sprouted thorns after the teacher left were also comforted and I thought I was somewhat okay now, I came across a news article. It was news that a dominant omega from some influential company and Kim Eorin of Haebam Group were getting married. I had been continuously avoiding stories related to Haebam Group, but the moment I discovered Eorin’s name in an article title on an internet newspaper, I unknowingly read down the article.
One of those being discussed as Haebam Group’s successor, the nephew of the main culprit of the Haebam Group embezzlement case that occurred several years ago. News that he, a dominant alpha, was marrying a woman who was a dominant omega. At the end of the article, there were a few more words about whether Eorin was trying to reclaim Haebam through this marriage, or if it was complete independence. He’s trying to rise again. That’s fortunate… while thinking that on one hand, I couldn’t hide my empty feeling. My first love that ended as if cut off seemed to have left terrible lingering attachment. Both then and now, I wouldn’t hold much meaning to him.
Would he even remember me? To pull myself out of pointless sentimentality, I rather smiled more and played with the children. Among the giggling children, I tried to forget Eorin’s photo that had been published in one corner of the news article. He was really someone living in a distant world now. Twenty-five-year-old Eorin had found someone to keep by his side, and I still hadn’t completely escaped from seventeen-year-old Yoochiwon.
Eorin from one spring day said it wasn’t my fault for not being able to shake it off. Then, is it not my fault either for not letting go of you who’s moving forward? How long will you allow me to cling to you and cry pathetically?
No answer came back. Only my question echoed.
Time flows. Whether I did nothing, and also whether I lived desperately, time somehow flowed. At twenty-nine, I was still being a teacher at a daycare, and was still alone. And I thought I would be alone in the future too.
“Teacher Ssaem, goodbye.”
“Yes, go well. Let’s meet after vacation ends.”
“Yes!”
The last child who ran off got on the daycare van, and I stood blankly watching the car depart. Starting tomorrow was a 2-week daycare vacation. Since Lunar New Year fell in the middle of vacation, the daycare had been eagerly teaching hanbok and New Year’s bows. With what they learned here, they’d go home and bow before family members and show off cutely. Even without seeing it, I smiled faintly at the善 cute scenes.
What should I do for New Year’s? First go to the columbarium to see the teacher, and then… I who just sat blankly on holidays was already worried about these 2 weeks. How quickly will time not pass again?
“Teacher Yoo, aren’t you leaving work? It’s vacation, you should go quickly and rest.”
“Ah, yes. I just need to organize the journal a bit.”
“Do it moderately and go. Really, someone who loves work. You’re still young.”
An elderly colleague teacher who had been cleaning with other teachers while I took care of children and saw them off made a joke. I bowed my head to the teacher who said she’d go in now, and I sat down.
Actually, I finished the journal earlier. I just made an excuse because I didn’t want to go home. While rolling the pen in my hand aimlessly and spacing out, I got up from my seat at the phone ringing.
“Yes, this is Garam Daycare.”
—Hello. Is there a Teacher Yoochiwon there by any chance? Ah, I mean, someone whose name is ‘Yoochiwon’…
It was a call looking for me. Since I had no acquaintances, there was nowhere for calls to come from, and it was definitely an unfamiliar voice. I continued speaking with curiosity.
“Yes, this is me. What is this about? Where are you calling from…?”
—Ah, sorry for the late greeting. I’m calling from Kinder, a toy brand. There’s something I’d like to meet and discuss with you, when would you have time? I’m sorry for the sudden contact.
“Ah… it’s fine. But if it’s business or something related to the daycare, I think it would be better to talk to the director.”
—Ah, no. It’s not that. I have something to tell Teacher Yoochiwon specifically.
“Ah, if that’s the case… uh, I’m free starting now. Would now be okay?”
—Yes, thank you! I’ll come to pick you up in front of Garam Daycare in 30 minutes.
“Yes, understood.”
I couldn’t understand what this was about. Since they said let’s meet and talk, I said okay for now, but surely it’s not multi-level marketing… I had met one before but it didn’t feel like this. Was there even a toy brand called Kinder? I searched on the internet but not much came up and the news was all recent. It seemed to be a newly created brand.
It wouldn’t be dangerous. I remembered the teacher scolding me several times saying I didn’t know how to take care of myself. Does the sense of crisis also become dulled, or did it not exist in the first place? Living as life went, I couldn’t tell such things well anymore.
The director who had gone to take children home came back and made a surprised expression seeing me still at my seat. I smiled sheepishly and got up from my seat. It was soon the promised time.
“I’ll be going.”
“Okay. Have a good vacation.”
“You too, Director.”
Since it was just entering February, it was less cold than recently but winter was still winter. I wrapped my scarf and gloves, put on my bag, and left the daycare. As I stood in front of the daycare waiting for a moment, my nose gradually became cold. I sniffled while staring blankly into space.
Before long, a car came and stopped in front. I don’t have a license or car so I don’t know well, but I got the feeling it was a good car. As I was just looking at it uncertainly, a man in a suit got out of the driver’s seat. I could tell from his voice too, but he was quite a young person.
“Are you Teacher Yoochiwon?”
“Yes.”
“The person I serve would like to meet you. If it’s alright, would you come with me?”
He was an extremely polite person. To the point where I wondered why he was being so courteous to me. But before that reason, first was what this was all about. I focused on the person who sent the man rather than the man.
“Who is that? How does that person know me…?”
“They wanted to tell you the details directly. I’m really sorry, but there’s not much I can tell you. It’s not a dangerous matter. I know it’s suspicious, but… If the director is inside by any chance, I’ll leave my contact information and car number before going.”
The man made a really apologetic face. After silently listening to the man’s words trying somehow to reassure me, I approached the car. I thought it didn’t matter either way.
“I’ll go. Are you taking me there?”
“Yes!”
