That was a cowardly thought. Because I didn’t even have the courage to confess my feelings to Eorin. I couldn’t even dare to be that sunbae’s rival. The thought that if I didn’t do anything, nothing would change was this flimsy and fragile.
“Chiwon-ah, where are you going?”
“I’ll be right back.”
I couldn’t stand it and got up from my seat. Where do you think you’re going? What are you going to do when you get there? Those thoughts crossed my mind, but I couldn’t just stay in the classroom like this.
I went out into the hallway without a plan and walked in the direction where Eorin and the sunbae had disappeared. Anxiety clung to each step. Until now, the things that followed my ‘liking’ were only feelings of inferiority or sorrow felt whenever the line drawn between us became clearer. But that didn’t leave regrets like this.
Lost in thought and looking only at the floor as I walked, I didn’t even know someone was coming ahead.
“Ah!”
Startled by the touch on my head, I stepped back, and a hand grabbed my elbow.
“Are you okay?”
“…Eorin-ah.”
“Where are you going?”
To catch you.
“Well, I went to the store. I left my phone…”
“…Really?”
“Yeah.”
Pretending to be casual while meeting his eyes, I tried hard to discover something on Eorin’s face. But Eorin just had a calm expression. My impatience rose to my fingertips, and I ended up asking.
“Why did the sunbae call you?”
“…”
Instead of answering my question right away, Eorin took a step closer. Slowly, Eorin’s hand touched my cheek.
“Um, well. I received… a confession.”
“…”
“I rejected it.”
Why? It was just a brief moment, but even to me, that sunbae’s scent felt sweet. The embarrassed face they couldn’t hide and the tension that showed through all looked only pretty. Does everyone make that kind of face when they’re in love? But my feelings weren’t purely pretty like that… I was scared to ask why he rejected them. I kept my mouth tightly shut. How far was I allowed to ask? Doubt, anxiety, and then the relief that followed. I struggled desperately not to show the complex emotions on my face.
“…I see.”
It must have sounded calm. I believed so. Slowly, Eorin took a step back.
There are moments when an instant feels extremely long. The time while Eorin’s hand fell away from me was like that.
It seemed like a very long time. But it probably wasn’t.
Because Eorin’s eyes looking at me didn’t blink even once.
When Eorin returned to the classroom, kids poured questions on him. Actually, there was no reason for someone from a different class and grade to call Eorin out except for a confession. The kids seemed to know this when asking, but Eorin just smiled and didn’t answer. It seemed he didn’t want to spread rumors here and there, so I pretended not to know either.
If it was a secret between just the two of us, normally I would have been purely excited and happy. This time, I wasn’t happy at all.
When I tried to write in my diary as usual, I threw down my pen with a thud. The pen that hit the wall rolled back toward me. Staring at it blankly, I propped up my left arm and grabbed the pen while lying face down.
‘I didn’t confess to Eorin. So even if Eorin hadn’t rejected that sunbae, I wouldn’t have even had the right to feel wronged. But even now, having realized all this, I still can’t make up my mind to confess.’
I’m a coward.
My mood sank to rock bottom. Sighing as I closed my diary and got up to leave the room, I saw Dohyeong running toddle-toddle. Dohyeong must have seen me too, as he stopped in place and turned toward me.
“Hyung-ah.”
“Dohyeong-ah, not sleeping?”
“Can’t seep.”
“You can’t sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“What about Dahui?”
“Dahui seeping.”
Day by day, the difference between Dohyeong and Dahui was becoming more pronounced. It wasn’t just the age gap, but the two had different temperaments. Dahui would go lie down to sleep punctually when it was time, but Dohyeong absolutely refused to sleep if he wasn’t sleepy. I picked up Dohyeong. As autumn came and it got gradually colder, all the kids wore vests when sleeping, and Dohyeong’s had a monkey drawn on it. Rubbing my face against Dohyeong’s warm cheeks made me feel a bit better. Dohyeong’s tiny hands squeezed my cheeks playfully.
“Hyung-ah, Dohyeong… today want to seep with hyung-ah…”
Dohyeong whispered quietly as if someone might hear. It seemed to be because the principle was to sleep in your own room as much as possible. I finally smiled at the child’s aegyo.
“Should we?”
“For real?”
“Yeah, really.”
Kyaa. Dohyeong buried his face in my shoulder, screamed, and kicked his feet toddle-toddle. It’s a stretch to call it a reward for making me laugh, but since he was this happy, I was happy too.
“Let’s sleep together.”
“In hyung-ah’s room?”
“Do you want to sleep in hyung-ah’s room?”
“Yeah.”
“Then go get your pillow. Secretly.”
“Okay!”
The excited Dohyeong disappeared in a flash, then came running back quickly, perhaps worried I might go into my room alone. In his hands, he was clutching his rabbit pillow tightly.
“Let’s seep now!”
“Yes, let’s sleep.”
After sending a message to the teacher on my phone saying I’d let Dohyeong sleep in my room, I lifted the blanket and laid Dohyeong down. Excited about the arm pillow after such a long time, Dohyeong chattered away before hugging his rabbit pillow and falling asleep quickly. After stroking his cheeks and hands several times, I closed my eyes too.
And for the next two days, Eorin didn’t come to school.
During those two days, Eorin only sent one text saying “I’m fine” and there was no other contact. On the day Eorin came back to school, strangely, he had no scent at all. Since not having a scent from an alpha like Eorin seemed dangerous even though I didn’t know much about it, I looked at him, and reading my expression, Eorin stroked my head saying it was nothing so don’t worry. Not feeling reassured, I asked again, but Eorin just smiled saying it would be back tomorrow. And really, the next day Eorin appeared wrapped in vanilla scent.
Suddenly, Eorin’s touches toward me increased. Whether it felt more frequent because I was conscious of it, or whether I really had become more comfortable to Eorin, I who couldn’t like Eorin with an upright heart couldn’t just be happy about it. Every day repeated with Eorin immediately pulling me up and placing me on top of happiness whenever I tried to sink. I learned that when you like a kind person, there are times when you suffer from happiness. I gradually distanced myself from Eorin. It was something inside my heart, so no one would have known.
Combining it with the sports festival after-party, our whole class went to a meat buffet. We had to chip in quite a bit of money, but we ate until our stomachs burst and laughed until our stomachs burst. Several days after the party day when I came home and collapsed to sleep from laughing so hard, the calendar flipped back one page. Although our breath wasn’t visible yet, it had gotten cold enough that we couldn’t wear summer PE uniforms anymore. While warming up wearing long-sleeved PE uniforms, I recalled that day in March. That time when Eorin reached out his hand at the water tap on the field, my heart started running toward Eorin.
“Wow, it’s chilly. Now.”
“I know. My nose is cold.”
“Ugh. The glove smells so sweaty.”
In today’s PE class, everyone was given gloves. Recently we’d been learning baseball, and they were given so we could play catch to get familiar with the ball first. Though it was called baseball practice, it was no different from free time. Our class kids who couldn’t resist anything involving a ball were excitedly throwing and catching balls, and unlike basketball, baseball wasn’t a sport where you just needed a ball, so I who had never played baseball was breaking out in a cold sweat during catch.
Since it would be a disaster if I couldn’t catch when paired with Woojin who couldn’t control his strength, Woojin was paired with Go Seonho who said he’d played baseball before. After Junsu exchanged a few throws with Yeon Jaejeong, he must have found it boring as he was raising the difficulty on his own by throwing and catching while running, and my partner was Eorin. Lately, whether I knew it or not, I found Eorin difficult, so I secretly looked for another kid, but when Eorin actually became my partner, I was busy hiding my joy.
“Is it manageable?”
“Yeah. It’s not as hard as I thought.”
While exchanging throws from a distance not even a few steps away, I put on airs. Eorin giggled at my words. After exchanging a few throws and stepping back one step, then exchanging a few more throws and stepping back one step. Eorin slowly increased the distance between us while helping me adapt.
Because Eorin taught me the grip, I became able to throw the ball by awkwardly placing my fingers over the stitches. After throwing for a while, I quickly broke a sweat despite the low temperature. Thinking sweat might collect inside the glove, I took it off and Eorin approached me.
“Want to rest a bit?”
It was just when the PE teacher had left saying he was going to the bathroom, so I was about to answer let’s do that. From the direction of the school gate directly connected to the field, a child’s voice could be heard. It was definitely a familiar voice. I instantly recalled that today was the founding anniversary of the elementary school my siblings attended.
“Hyung-ah!”
It was Yeongwoo, who was eight years old. Perhaps he had come out for a walk while going shopping with the teacher, as behind him was the teacher holding shopping bags in both hands.
Worried he might run over here if I waved, I couldn’t greet him carelessly and just watched before moving my steps. I was planning to warn him not to come. But as soon as I looked at him, Yeongwoo immediately started running over. There was no time for the teacher to catch him.
“Yeongwoo-ya, don’t come!”
Baseball were flying around from all directions on the field, and they were even hardball, not softball. There were more kids who hadn’t spotted Yeongwoo than those who had. I ran toward Yeongwoo without a plan. Then I heard Eorin shout from behind.
“Chiwon-ah, be careful!”
As soon as I heard those words, I pulled Yeongwoo into my arms and curled up my body. Immediately, I felt a strong impact at the back of my head. It hurt so much that my vision went dark for a moment, and I let out a groan without thinking about Yeongwoo hearing it.
“Ugh…”
“H-hyung-ah.”
“Chiwon-ah!”
“Chiwon got hit!”
My head was ringing. I thought, is this what it means to see stars before your eyes? I scolded Yeongwoo without even being able to open my eyes properly. I felt Yeongwoo, who had frozen in shock in my arms, flinch.
“Park Yeongwoo!”
“…”
“What did hyung say? What did the teacher teach you?”
“…Hyung-ah’s school field… dangerous so don’t go in…”
“Then why did you run in?”
“Because I was ha-happy to see hyung-ah.”
“…I’m really grateful for that. I’m grateful, but look. It was dangerous. Balls were flying too.”
“…”
“If you had gotten hit, hyung-ah would have really had his heart drop.”
I felt the kids murmuring behind me. Chiwon-ah, our hearts dropped watching you get hit though? I waved my hand dismissively toward the back at those words. Shh, shh.
