“If it gets too hard because it’s too hot, you don’t have to do it.”
“I’m fine.”
I smiled at Eorin’s words. Even after I realized my feelings, the relationship between Eorin and me remained unchanged. In truth, there wasn’t much that would change. It was just a matter of me holding back a little. Impulses that suddenly surged up without any trigger—wanting to hold that hand, wanting to hug him tightly.
Even when the hot weather came, Eorin made sure to wear his shirt. His reason was that if he started wearing short sleeves already, he’d have nothing left to do when summer got even hotter. Junsu whispered to me that he was only doing it because the teacher told him to wear his uniform properly.
From Eorin in late spring came the scent of vanilla along with the smell of dry sunlight embedded in his shirt.
In mid-June, I took a day off from school. It was because of my heat cycle. It was my first one this year. Since I’d manifested late to begin with, I’d only experienced heat cycles less than ten times in total. Even those I’d gotten through dully with medication, but this time the doctor recommended I not take any medicine since I’d collapsed last time, so after discussing it with the teachers at the orphanage, I submitted an absence request to school. The homeroom teacher said that absences due to heat cycles were excused absences that wouldn’t affect attendance, so I shouldn’t worry and should rest.
Among my friends, there were no omegas. Explaining to kids who weren’t omegas that the reason for my absence was a heat cycle felt embarrassing, so I just said I was a little sick. But I thought Eorin might have noticed. Heat cycles made one’s scent naturally grow stronger as they approached. Since I wasn’t deliberately hiding my scent tightly like before, he must have smelled it, but Eorin didn’t say anything. Was this also Eorin’s way of being kind? Eorin’s kindness became words to comfort me when needed, but in most cases, it stayed by my side as silence.
The pheromones during a heat cycle had a hot, thick, very heated smell. I’d smelled it several times near the younger siblings going through heat cycles. In very rare cases, there could be kids affected by that scent who experienced an early heat cycle, and above all, most of them were very embarrassed about giving off such a scent, so kids going through heat cycles were allowed to stay alone in the room at the very back of the orphanage. We called that room the “end room,” and when someone went into the end room, the teachers firmly instructed other kids not to go near that area. The message contained in the pheromones was completely different, but during manifestation too, the scent burst out extremely strongly, so kids suffering from manifestation fever also slept in the end room.
They said I was in this room during my manifestation too, but since I had no memory of that time, entering this room was like a first time for me. My heat cycles up until now had been so mild—just my body getting a little warm or my mood getting excited—that they’d end without even going to the end room. Moreover, heat cycles were like landmines to me in middle school, so whenever I saw signs of a heat cycle starting, I’d diligently take my medicine. This was my first time fully experiencing a heat cycle without medication, so I was a little scared and nervous.
“I see, now that I think about it, this is your first time.”
“Yes.”
“It’s okay. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s natural. Um… what should I say to a seventeen-year-old kid? I should stop treating you like a child, Marie.”
“It’s okay. I’ve read a lot about it in books… and it’s something I need to experience.”
“That’s true. It’s good to experience it before you become an adult. There, all done.”
“Thank you. I could have done it myself…”
“When else would I get to take care of you if not at times like this? Let me do it sometimes.”
The teacher who had made the bed herself stood up with a chuckle.
“Just in case, don’t lock the door, and don’t worry because no one will come near. If anything happens, contact us.”
“Yes, I will.”
“It’s nice that you have a cell phone. Sleep well.”
“Good night.”
Click, the door closed. When I stayed still, the room quickly filled with my pheromones. My scent was so faint that this didn’t happen often. My body seemed to be getting hotter and hotter, so I lay down on the blanket. Even though it was a very hot day, I strangely felt cold.
The sensation I felt from the skin touching the blanket was unfamiliar. Before, though I’d been a little on edge, it hadn’t been to this extent.
I put my cell phone by my pillow and lay down with my eyes closed. Though it was early evening, I was planning to hurry and fall asleep. I thought maybe the heat cycle would pass while I slept. That’s how it had always been until now. Even without medicine, I was extremely recessive…
It was a naive thought.
It must have been near dawn. Or maybe around midnight. The bleak night air brushed against my skin. I gasped in surprise and woke up with a start.
“…!”
I reflexively covered my mouth. It felt like a strange sound would leak out. What is this? Sexual desire I’d never experienced before simmered and boiled up, covering my body. Just the feeling of the blanket brushing against me made my back tremble.
I’d only masturbated a few times. Even when I occasionally felt urges, my desire would quickly cool after stroking my member a few times. An intense urge that hadn’t existed before fanned me on. I wanted to resist it as much as possible, so I rubbed my face against the pillow and lay face-down on the blanket.
My back, exposed under my rolled-up clothes, touched the air and broke out in goosebumps. Just lying down made my back tremble. Half-panicked, I gripped the blanket tightly. As I lay down and my legs rubbed against each other, stimulating my groin, a weak moan escaped from my mouth.
A strange sensation raised its head from my chest pressed firmly against the blanket. It wasn’t exactly itchy, but my nipples, which I normally lived without even knowing existed, suddenly began asserting their presence. Without realizing it, I rubbed my body against the blanket and cried softly. A strange pleasure was transmitted from my skin as it brushed against the clothes.
“…Hngh.”
I want to touch. I want to rub. Somehow, seized by the impulse that I had to do something, I moved my hand downward. The moment I lifted the waistband of my pants, my sense of shame reached its peak. I hadn’t done anything, but down below was already hard and wet at the tip. The act of inserting my hand into my pants to relieve my own sexual desire was terribly embarrassing.
Slowly, I brought my fingers to the lower part of my shaft. Just the tips of my fingers touching it made me feel like a moan would burst out, so I tightly covered my mouth with one hand. When I wrapped my hand around my member, my back arched.
“…!”
It felt like I’d come from just rubbing it a few times. This was a first. I could count on one hand the times I’d properly reached climax. My skin, heated and sensitive, didn’t feel like my own. The masturbation that had started slowly soon made wet sounds as it picked up speed.
When I finally reached climax, my vision flashed white for an instant. The room was clearly dark, so it was strange. I twisted my back and trembled violently, desperate to stifle my moans.
It wasn’t enough. Though this was the first time I’d felt this way while masturbating, it still wasn’t enough. Down below still wouldn’t subside, and feeling a strange sense of guilt, I slowly lowered the hand that had been covering my mouth and inserted it inside my top. Slowly groping my way up my stomach, I soon caught a protruding bump with my fingers and rubbed it. My nipples, which were normally just soft without any sensation, had hardened and were standing erect. As a tingling sensation shot up from the tips of my chest, I rubbed my forehead against the pillow and bit my lips to suppress my moans.
When I came to my senses, I was on all fours on the blanket with my knees bent and my bottom raised, rubbing my face against the pillow. Suddenly shame washed over my entire body, and just as I was about to pull my hand out of my pants, I felt something wet. It was different from what I’d expelled earlier. It was flowing from a bit lower down.
No way. I slowly felt my way up with my hand. I touched my perineum, wet to an unbelievable degree. And below that, a hole I hadn’t even been conscious of was slightly parted, spitting out sticky liquid drop by drop.
My fingertips trembled violently, fully aroused with excitement. I carefully caressed the area near the hole. This was my first time touching here. I couldn’t believe I was this wet with excitement. Suddenly my head slipped on the pillow and the nipple caught on my fingers was pressed hard. The pleasure that surged up suddenly pulled up the excitement that had briefly subsided at the unfamiliarity of touching the hole. As the area between my legs rubbed together and my groin was stimulated, the hole opened and closed repeatedly.
I was scared to put my finger inside. But the inside was so heated I couldn’t stand it. Instead of putting my finger inside the hole, I traced my perineum and then pressed down firmly while rubbing it.
It’s not enough. I’m scared. What do I do? When will this end? Is this normal? I couldn’t sense time. While desperately clinging to my body’s sensations, I was also frightened. What if it doesn’t stop even after the sun rises? Is this how heated you’re supposed to get?
I’m scared. Out of habit, I searched for Eorin. Eorin was always the one who blew away my fears. I’m scared, Eorin-ah. But when I called Eorin’s name in my mind, I had the illusion of vanilla scent hovering at the tip of my nose.
“Ha, ah…!”
The moment I imagined Eorin’s pheromones, unbelievably, I immediately ejaculated.
The room filled with pheromones thick with sexual meaning. I held my breath without even blinking. To climax the moment I thought of Eorin.
I slowly removed my hand. The lingering sensation below twitched, but I couldn’t dare touch it. When I lifted my hand and brought it before my eyes, the thick liquid wet all over my hand stretched and dripped down.
Suddenly tears burst forth. To masturbate thinking of Eorin. During a heat cycle, too, like an animal. It felt like I was doing something bad to Eorin. In an instant, my heart cooled completely. But conversely, my body’s heat showed no signs of cooling and grew even hotter.
Crying silently and profusely, I touched between my buttocks with my hand again. Even when the frustration of not being able to reach washed over me, I couldn’t bring myself to put it inside, so I just kept caressing the entrance and stroking my member repeatedly.
I like you, Eorin-ah. I like you. I’m sorry. I like you.
Eorin’s smiling face, touch, voice, scent. Continuously imagining and dredging up Eorin, I heated up again, confessed my feelings, cried, and climaxed. But Eorin wasn’t here. The imagination was sweet, embarrassing, guilt-inducing, and lonely.
Countless times, repeating feelings that wouldn’t reach the other person… my first heat cycle night was painted full of a half-complete Eorin.
