“I think it would be good for you to open up about your honest feelings. I was happy when you did that. And you need to cherish yourself more. It’s okay to be a little more lenient with yourself, Chiwon-ah. You have to be kindest to yourself—you can’t neglect yourself while caring for others.”
Cherish myself. Those were words I’d heard from the Director before too. Was this what she meant?
Before getting into the car that came to pick him up, Eorin firmly held my hand and told me to contact him before bed whether I was okay or not. When I returned to the orphanage, the teachers didn’t ask me anything. Instead, they told me that Chanhyeong was holed up in his room. That’s when I realized the teachers knew too.
Standing in front of Chanhyeong’s door, I slowly raised my hand and knocked.
“……I’m not eating dinner today.”
He seemed to mistake me for a teacher coming to call him for dinner. I took a deep breath and quietly opened my mouth.
“……Chanhyeong-ah.”
“……!”
As soon as he heard my voice, there was a crashing sound from inside the room and the door flew open. Chanhyeong’s face, which I finally got to see, was swollen and puffy from crying.
“……Hyung-ah.”
I was glad I hadn’t cried earlier. Compared to Chanhyeong, my face was fine. That’s why I could say something like this.
“You’ve only grown in size, you’re still a baby. Look at your face.”
I smiled and rubbed Chanhyeong’s face. A smiling face always worked well when comforting a crying younger sibling.
“Hyung-aaa……”
“Yeah.”
“Hyung-ah, I’m sorry. That, well…… I overheard it by accident…… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pretended not to know. I didn’t know what to do……”
Chanhyeong stood in front of the door crying his eyes out. I led Chanhyeong into the room and closed the door.
“You don’t need to apologize. I…… should apologize. I’m sorry. For having too much pride. And being the older brother…… I didn’t want you guys to know.”
Chanhyeong gasped for breath as he rubbed his face.
“I have fifteen younger siblings too, so I know. I’m sorry. But honestly, I wanted to know earlier. A friend who went to Hanseong Middle told me after hearing it somewhere…… When I realized that story was about you, hyung, I really regretted it. Why didn’t I know, I thought……”
“You were twelve years old back then.”
“But I could have at least listened!”
Chanhyeong started bawling. When Chanhyeong cried, his whole face turned bright red and he cried just like a little child.
“Why didn’t I know? I’m an idiot. We were together all the time. Why am I three whole years younger? It’s so frustrating. Our hyung, how could they, when you’re our hyung! Who the hell do they think they are to our hyung, fuck!”
“Cha…… Chanhyeong-ah.”
“Hyung, the retreat was with Hanseong High, right? Did you meet those bastards again? Bad bastards. Really bad bastards. Fucking bastards…… Fuck, they didn’t mess with you again, did they? Huuk…… If I see those fucking bastards. I’ll kill them. Waaaah.”
When you’re our hyung. At those words, tears were about to overflow so I held them back tightly. And I felt a little relieved. Eorin said it wasn’t me or Chanhyeong who was wrong, but those bastards, so I should be angry at those bastards. Watching Chanhyeong cry while cursing those kids hard, I thought he at least grew up more properly than me.
“It’s okay. My friend took care of it. I won’t have to see them again.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
I handed Chanhyeong the handkerchief I’d habitually kept in my pocket. Maybe because it was a handkerchief, Chanhyeong couldn’t bring himself to blow his nose and just wiped his tears while sniffling. Of course it was washed clean, but it was a handkerchief I’d used to wipe the kids’ noses a few days ago and that was its purpose anyway, so it didn’t matter.
“I’m sorry. If I…… were as strong as you, it would have been okay.”
“What’s wrong with you, hyung!”
Chanhyeong burst out yelling. Startled, I blinked.
“I’ve never met a better person than you, hyung, in my life! How much do I brag that our hyung is a bodhisattva! Honestly, if I didn’t have you, hyung, after coming here, I would have gone astray. Getting pushed around outside, getting pushed around inside, having nowhere to lean on and being lonely—every time that happened, you would show up like a ghost and stay by my side. Without you, hyung, I couldn’t have lived this properly. Whenever things were hard, I thought of you and worked hard. You must be having a harder and more difficult time than me, but you always smiled at me!”
“……”
“That’s the problem too. When things are hard for you too, say they’re hard. I know it’s difficult to rely on me since I’m your younger sibling…… But does it make sense that you go out and cry and come back, and your family doesn’t know anything? And I did call you a bodhisattva, but that doesn’t mean forgive those bastards! Forgiveness, fuck, if you forgive them. I’ll go find them and turn everything upside down!”
You bastards, go eat shit! Chanhyeong raised his middle finger in the air. As if that wasn’t enough, Chanhyeong grabbed my hand and kindly made the finger gesture, telling me to follow along.
“……Go eat shit.”
“Is that all you got? Do more. Fucking bastards, you’re all gonna get it back!”
“Fucking…… bastards, you’ll get it back.”
It was my first time cursing. Maybe because of the guilt, I felt heat rush to the top of my head for a moment then cool down instantly. But strangely, I felt a little relieved inside. Somehow I felt like laughing.
“Those bastards. Messing with our hyung…… They’ll have to get their dicks twisted in real life to come to their senses!”
What’s “getting their dicks twisted in real life”……
“Hyung. Are you, okay now?”
“……Yeah. I’m okay. The friends I made in high school, they’re really good kids……”
Saying that, I finished wiping Chanhyeong’s face with the handkerchief.
“And I have a younger sibling who cries for me like this too.”
Eorin said to be grateful for the comfort Chanhyeong was giving me. Right. I shouldn’t have had pride about something like this. I shouldn’t have been hurt by the grateful feelings of those caring for me.
“Hyung-aaa.”
“Thank you, Chanhyeong-ah.”
I was still a lump of inferiority complex and it would take a long time for me to find my self-esteem. But there were two people in one day who told me that even someone like me was a good person.
Isn’t this enough? They say there are reasons for affection, but wouldn’t it be okay to think that it wasn’t the result of my desperate efforts clinging on, but rather some good quality in the complete ‘me’ that the kids noticed?
If I can’t believe in myself, let’s trust the judgment of the people by my side. That Eorin worried about me enough to run around breathlessly, and that even though it’s in the past now, Chanhyeong got angry and cried for me—that there’s something good about me too.
“I’m glad you’re my younger sibling. Leaving everything else aside…… thinking about it now, if you guys weren’t here, I probably wouldn’t have been able to endure. Because you were here, I thought I should hold on, and because you were here, I thought I should become a good person properly—someone my younger siblings could rely on. I was desperate to maintain my pride as an older brother, but thinking differently, thanks to that I’ve endured well like this…… I don’t think it’s something to only disparage myself about.”
Gratitude for comfort, and as repayment, honest feelings. Leniency toward myself.
Eorin-ah, am I doing well?
“Thank you, Chanhyeong-ah. For becoming my younger sibling.”
“……No. I’m thankful. I’m so glad you’re our hyung. I love you the most in the world.”
Chanhyeong sobbed. I smiled a little.
“Oh, and. Just in case I’m saying this, but the situation I was in…… well, I don’t really know the reason either, but anyway, it wasn’t because I’m an omega. To those kids, the fact that I was an omega seemed like something to mock, but it’s absolutely not like that. So you shouldn’t feel intimidated because you’re an omega either. Got it?”
My friends taught me that. The fact that I’m an omega is just one part of me, and it doesn’t add or subtract anything from my value.
“Of course. Hyung didn’t do anything wrong. The problem is with those bastards. It’s because those bastards are rotten, not one bit of it is hyung’s fault.”
“Yeah…… But Chanhyeong-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t know this, but you…… you’re really good at cursing.”
“……”
Chanhyeong stopped crying abruptly. I burst out laughing.
“No, hyung, this is, you know.”
“Yeah, tell me.”
“No, well…… Hyung, you know. That……”
“Yeah, hyung is listening.”
“Ugh…… That!”
Chanhyeong didn’t know what to do. I giggled.
“I cursed following you, so I’ll let it go.”
Only then did Chanhyeong make a relieved face. Since he kept glancing at me, I let out a sigh.
“But don’t do it in front of the younger siblings. Got it?”
“I absolutely won’t.”
“Okay. ……Honestly, it felt a little satisfying.”
“Right?”
Chanhyeong giggled. Finally you’re smiling.
We went to the dining hall side by side for dinner, and because of his swollen face from crying, Chanhyeong got teased by the younger siblings. And that evening.
“Hyung-ah, what’s this? Go eat shit! What is this?”
The teacher hastily covered Dahui’s mouth as she asked innocently, smiling awkwardly. In front of Dahui being carried away by the teacher, we couldn’t say anything. The orphanage was a place with terrible soundproofing.
The days grew hotter and spring was coming to an end. Even though it was barely June, the weather was so humid that despite the teachers’ objections, more and more kids wore white short-sleeved shirts instead of their uniforms, or at most just their summer gym uniforms. Of course, even while complaining about the heat, they unfailingly ran out to the playground during lunch to kick around a ball and play. Watching those kids, I clicked my tongue.
“Chiwon-ah, I ran into Hyeonho earlier and he said let’s play basketball together at lunch. Want to?”
“Mm…… Sure.”
After the retreat ended, I was supposed to exchange numbers with Hyeonho, but I was half out of my mind at the time, so I forgot to talk about it and got on the bus home. In the end, Hyeonho came looking for me at our classroom the next day, and maybe because it was the first time seeing me talk with a friend from another class, Junsu and Woojin showed interest in Hyeonho. Eorin kindly said nothing, and I introduced Hyeonho as an elementary school classmate. Hyeonho couldn’t bear the awkwardness, but my friends, knowing I didn’t have proper friends, were moved by hearing he was an elementary school connection and firmly grasped Hyeonho’s hands saying they were counting on him. After that, maybe thanks to Junsu’s friendliness, they became completely close, and we often played basketball together with Hyeonho’s friends from class 6. A group chat was even created and we were talking about hanging out together sometime soon.
