“I’m going to live with you forever.”
“Hyeondo-ya.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to take your family away from you.”
“…What?”
I was genuinely flustered by words I’d never even considered. I couldn’t understand at all why he was bringing this up at this timing. No, I hadn’t known he was worried about something like this, so I was at a loss for how to react. However, Kkotmoa cut through the air with a gentle, quiet, yet calm voice while wearing a serious expression.
“Our Daddy and Dad lost their families because they loved each other. Of course, that’s how they gained a new family, but they still struggle with it without showing it to each other. So I don’t want to become someone who takes away something precious from you.”
“…Moa-ya. I won’t lose you or my parents. I’m confident. It’s still too early to talk about this, so don’t think about it. Just don’t worry about things like that and just like me. I’ll take care of the rest.”
“How can you say that? You’re not dating alone—we’re dating together.”
“Yeah. I’ll consult with you about everything when the time comes, so let’s just think about us for now. I like you so much I could die. I really like you so much I can’t help it.”
The smile he made silently at my confession was beautiful, yet also melancholic. As I got used to the darkness, I could see Kkotmoa’s expression even with just the faint moonlight coming through the window.
However, Kkotmoa still doesn’t seem to know me well. If he only remembers how I ran away, that would be understandable. At that time, it was true that I ran away because I was scared of Kkotmoa’s rejection and that my parents and D Group might hurt him. But now is different from then. I wasn’t naive or simple enough to confess my love without any thought and push forward recklessly.
My loving you included solving all the things you might worry about, even if it took some time.
“You’re heavy.”
Kkotmoa lightly pushed away my body that was overlapping his. During the serious conversation, both of our physical reactions had subsided. I wanted to give my flower certainty. I got off from on top of him and sat down. Lowering my hand, I stroked his fine hair as he lay there and opened my mouth.
“Moa-ya.”
“Yeah.”
“I won’t create situations that would make you worry. That’s included in my confession too. Of course, you might still find me unreliable, but I can promise you. I absolutely won’t let you get hurt. I told you, I’ll make you walk only on flower paths.”
I leaned down and kissed his forehead, eyelids, bridge of his nose, cheeks, chin, and lips in turn. Very affectionately and gently with love. So that my sincerity in making my flower walk only on flower paths would be conveyed.
“…That’s cheesy.”
Since this was my first relationship, the words and actions that came from wanting to treat him well seemed to be received as cheesy by Kkotmoa. I was making an effort because I remembered him saying he liked that I was affectionate, but if he says it’s cheesy, I don’t know what to change. Would it have been better to clash bodies first? As I was having such beastly thoughts, I heard a quiet but clear pronunciation.
“It’s cheesy… but it also makes my heart flutter. Now I tremble just from making eye contact with you.”
“…I was like that even before. Always, constantly, all the time. My heart trembles whenever I see you.”
“See, I told you it’s cheesy.”
Kkotmoa’s earlobes and nape were very red as he avoided my gaze. Now I understood. Kkotmoa wasn’t saying it was cheesy because it was really cheesy. When he’s embarrassed by my expressions of affection and has nothing to say, he says it’s cheesy. It was cute. It was a side I hadn’t known before. That made sense since I’d been too busy hiding my feelings, unable to even show that I liked him for fear of making Kkotmoa uncomfortable. Of course, that didn’t mean I’d hidden everything.
As I continued stroking his hair, my arm started to hurt a little. But I didn’t want to stop. Kkotmoa, who had a pleasantly languid expression, looked like a child.
“When I was young…”
His tone was somewhat slow as he spoke, drowsiness evident in it.
“Before bed, Daddy or Dad would always stroke my head like this. I was adopted when I was seven, and until then, no one had ever stroked my head like this. Even though they just stroked my head without saying anything, I could feel how much they cherished and adored me, and I was so happy. Even though I became a high school student, they still stroked my head like this before bed, so when they said they were going to adopt a younger sibling, I really hated it and got angry…”
The sight I’d always seen was Kkotmoa caring for and doting on Deonggeori more than Kkotmoa’s dads did. That’s why I couldn’t have known he’d felt that way. I just felt once again that Kkotmoa was a person with various emotions and couldn’t always be bright.
“So I said I didn’t want it, that I didn’t need a younger sibling. Then Daddy and Dad said if I didn’t want it, they wouldn’t adopt. Instead, they gave me the choice to go see just once and decide. So I went and saw Jaea… He was so cute and so pretty. He was like an angel. I cried so much when I came home that day. I was so happy having two dads that I’d forgotten how I lived before I was adopted. But it made me so sad and I hated that that angel had to live like that too.”
I don’t know where or how Kkotmoa lived before he was adopted. I occasionally went on volunteer activities following my parents, but what I could see were only fragmentary glimpses of them. The facility director requested that we preferably not mingle with the children. The reason was that after I played with them for a day and went back home, the aftereffects on the children left behind were severe. Since I also didn’t know how to mingle with the children, I was secretly relieved by the director’s words. Kkotmoa and Samyukshippal were children who lived in a place where kids like me occasionally showed our faces. They were beings who wanted to be loved by someone and fill the void in a corner of their hearts.
“From the next day on, I begged every day. To bring my younger sibling home quickly. And the day Jaea came home was truly the happiest day in the world. I begged Daddy and we took a family photo for the first time in my life. At first Jaea was shy, but he followed me more than Daddy and Dad, calling ‘hyung-ah, hyung-ah,’ and I was so happy that even at school I only thought about Jaea every day.”
“…Deonggeori was really cute and lovable when he was little. I wondered what was so handsome about tiny Deonggeori.”
Suddenly I recalled the image of Deonggeori keeping his small mouth tightly shut, fists clenched in both hands, holding back tears that welled up in his eyes for Kkotmoa’s sake. He was so admirable that I even made a secret I couldn’t tell Kkotmoa. The feeling of that jelly-like bundle hugging me was vivid too. The adorable sight of him practicing over and over because he couldn’t pronounce my name properly. And Deonggeori eventually called my name correctly. Even if it was only once.
“Dad tried to take Jaea away somehow so I wouldn’t struggle, but I asked them to let me be independent. I wanted to raise him even though I didn’t have the ability. Actually… I must have been scared of being alone.”
“…You have me.”
“You weren’t there then. But even if you had been, I would have said I’d raise Jaea myself.”
“Yeah, I know. Let’s raise him together from now on. If he wants, we’ll send him to academies, take him on trips during vacation, and these days elementary kids go to camps and stuff, so we’ll send him to those too. I’ll do it all for you.”
“Hyeondo-ya, I don’t want to burden you. I grew up happy enough without those things. Just as long as Jaea isn’t lone—”
“I know that too. But I want to give Samyukshippal everything that would let him live without envying others. I hope he feels proud and proud living with just his hyung. I hope you’re happy seeing that. I’m invincible, you know.”
Even though I added that playfully, Kkotmoa said nothing. His mind seemed complicated. Since I hadn’t experienced those emotions, I couldn’t carelessly console or encourage him. All I could do was just be there beside him. And keep throwing money around so these warm-hearted brothers wouldn’t worry about money. That was all I could do.
“Let’s sleep now. I’m sleepy.”
I couldn’t tell if he was really sleepy or wanted to change the subject. Still, I was an avatar that moved according to what Kkotmoa wanted. I nodded and lay down next to him. Even though we’d kissed for several hours, now that we were lying down I wanted to do it again. I wasn’t the only dog bitch in heat from spring fever—Kang Junwoo wasn’t alone in that.
“Want me to be your arm pillow?”
I stretched out my arm to keep my lewd thoughts from being discovered.
“No. I’ll do it for you, Hyeondo-ya. I have a lot in my head so it’s heavy.”
Kkotmoa pulled my head first and made me lie on his shoulder. I worried whether this slender shoulder might break. Since I’d never received an arm pillow from anyone, it was quite awkward.
“…So you’re saying you’ll do it because I have nothing in my head so it’s light?”
“Dummy. It’s because I want to hold you. Because I’m grateful and I like you so much… Do I have to say it out loud for you to understand?”
“Yeah, I’m dumb so you have to say it out loud. So tell me every time.”
It was as warm as it was awkward. A fragrant flower scent came from his nape. I turned my body to the side and hugged Kkotmoa’s body more comfortably while resting on his shoulder. I wanted to put my leg over his legs too, but I held back knowing how solid and heavy my legs were. If I put my leg up, his soft, thin legs might cramp, and he might suffer from muscle pain after waking up. I was a person who knew how to hold back for my flower.
“I like you, Moa-ya.”
I nuzzled his nape with my cheek and murmured, just like Deonggeori had done once upon a time.
