The problem came after that. Suddenly, whether they were freshmen, current students, or returning students, whenever they had a chance, they kept putting snacks into Kkotmoa’s mouth. Since everyone was getting tipsy, at first they fed him playfully, but later it became almost like a competition—they were frantic to feed Kkotmoa something.
Even though complete strangers were feeding him, Kkotmoa opened his small mouth and ate everything cleanly. He never once picked up chopsticks or a spoon, only lifting his drink glass. Despite drinking quite a lot, his pale face remained exactly as it had been when he first entered the beer hall.
Could he hold his liquor well? Come to think of it, this was the first time I’d seen him drink. I, with my half-a-bottle-of-soju tolerance, grimaced in agony with each shot I took, but Kkotmoa knocked back soju as if drinking water, his expression never changing once.
In the atmosphere where everyone was cheerfully laughing and chattering away, I alone couldn’t fit in, as if I were on a deserted island, and only followed Kkotmoa with my eyes. Kkotmoa, who had already become the center of attention, didn’t even glance my way. Despite the fact that I was sitting directly across from him.
As if he were silently protesting against the coward who had run away without a word, leaving only him behind.
“Come to think of it, didn’t Guil-il sunbae ask earlier?”
“Hey! Even you, Kkotmoa! You don’t have to call him sunbae, so please just call him Gu Wonil!”
“Ah, I forgot. Guil-il is just so intense. But what you asked earlier was whether I was also classmates with Do Hyeondo sunbae, right? Hmm…, I know Do Hyeondo sunbae.”
Kkotmoa gave an ambiguous answer and threw me a glance along with the floor. Everyone’s eyes turned to me. Had I now become just someone he knows? All the fault was mine, yet I couldn’t help feeling hurt.
Then what should I say in response? I didn’t want to say he was just someone I know. He’s not just someone I know. Even if I died and came back to life, he could never be just someone I know. He’s my first love, my flower, still the person I like, so I wanted to threaten them not to even think about getting close to him.
“What, you call Junwoo by his name but you call Hyeondo ‘Do Hyeondo sunbae’? Guess you weren’t close at all. Well, you guys said your high school had up to 20 classes per grade, right? Well, this guy’s the D Group heir, so he was famous enough that everyone knew him anyway.”
There were up to 18 classes, but I didn’t feel the need to correct him. The bastard who was meeting Kkotmoa for the first time today and knew nothing about me was spouting off whatever he pleased, and it grated on me. If Kkotmoa hadn’t been there, I definitely wouldn’t have let it slide. But I was still managing my image in front of Kkotmoa. Not deliberately, but as naturally as a habit ingrained in my body.
“Oh, you’re still here? You said you were leaving.”
“…Let’s talk.”
The moment Kang Junwoo nagged me with awkward acting as if he’d just noticed my existence, I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and pulled him up. The guy I’d expected to resist obediently followed me while grabbing his cigarettes. Kkotmoa’s gaze followed. Since Kkotmoa appeared, my mind had been so scattered I couldn’t think straight.
I left the beer hall and headed to the smoking area. Kang Junwoo, following behind me, already had a white cigarette in his mouth and was lighting it. The acrid smoke disturbed the slightly chilly spring night air. Our appearances were like that too. You were spring, so you were bright, but I was night, so I could only be cold. Night and spring. With just one vowel difference, we were that different. I chose to become night because I wanted you to shine brighter, but without you, I just became night. With my heart hidden and trapped in pitch-black darkness.
“…Don’t you have something to say to me?”
“Well? I don’t think the bastard who went AWOL twice—to America and then to the military—would have the shamelessness to ask why I didn’t mention Kkotmoa.”
When did this bastard get so smart? Honestly, I was a bit flustered. Kang Junwoo, smoking his cigarette with a relaxed smile, looked genuinely happy. He seemed awfully pleased to see me reunited with Kkotmoa at an unexpected moment and being treated like a ghost the whole time.
“Do Hyeondo, do you remember my dream was to be a film director?”
“Why bring that up?”
“I’ve never turned off a movie in the middle, you know? No matter how boring or shitty it was, I watched it to the end, wondering if there might be a twist in the ending.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“There was this movie I was really enjoying in my senior year. It was fascinating and interesting, and I was especially dying to know the ending. Then, fuck, one of the main characters suddenly went AWOL. In the end, the movie stopped.”
“…Stop talking shit.”
“Listen, the really interesting part is from now on. I thought that was the end, but crazy—recently that movie is continuing its screening? What would you do? Of course you’d have to watch it, right? I’d go crazy wondering how it ends. Oh, by the way, I hate spoilers.”
What kind of crazy bastard is this? As if he couldn’t even see my dumbfounded expression, Kang Junwoo was already lighting a new cigarette.
“Do Hyeondo, you know what? I really like completely tight, suffocatingly airtight happy endings.”
I’m the same way. I don’t watch movies often—in fact, the only times I’ve been to a movie theater have been with Kang Junwoo—but I like happy endings. A completely tight, suffocatingly airtight happy ending, just like Kang Junwoo said.
“But all Korean romance movies are like that, you know. One side is a chaebol family and the other side is really poor and stuff like that. Of course, it would be nice if they overcame hardships, adversity, and trials to reach a happy ending, but that’s only possible because it’s a movie—the real chaebol world isn’t like that, so I’m worried.”
“Stop beating around the bush and get to the point. What do you want to say?”
“I don’t know exactly what I want to say either? Ah, I’m so excited. I was certain when I saw your reaction when Kkotmoa came in earlier.”
“What.”
“Now that you mention it, what was it? You won’t say it first, so I don’t really want to be the one to say it first either? Anyway, for the first time since senior year, you look like a human being today, fuck. I guess you really do have to go to the military to become human.”
I don’t dislike my friend that much. My only friend who stayed by my side without a word knew everything. He just pretended not to know.
In the black Seoul night sky, not even stars were visible. Even the moon was hidden behind clouds. There was nothing sparkling in the pitch-black sky. I wanted to see something that sparkled prettily.
The reason I couldn’t forget even when trying to forget, couldn’t erase even when trying to erase, was perhaps because the only thing that sparkled in my life was you alone.
When I entered the beer hall, the seating was all mixed up. Unfamiliar faces were sitting at the table I’d been at, and Kkotmoa was laughing and mingling with people at the table in the very center. Kang Junwoo, who passed by me, draped his arm over Kkotmoa’s shoulder as if it were natural, shoved aside the guy sitting next to him, and sat down himself. Not having that level of shamelessness, I sat down anywhere nearby where I saw an empty spot.
The alcohol going down my throat was bitter. I don’t know what Kang Junwoo finds so good about this that he’s frantic to drink it every day. Even so, I forgot my drinking limit and kept swallowing soju. Even though various conversations were happening at the table I was sitting at, trying to get me to participate, I ignored them and just drank soju. All I could do was steal glances at Kkotmoa and study how I could get close to him again.
Now that I wasn’t going to take the college entrance exam anymore, I couldn’t pull that bullshit about the god of math, the god of English, the god of language. The more I drank, the cooler my head became and the calmer my heart got. I had the stupid thought that it might be god’s trick to test whether I’d pluck the flower or not, or perhaps a fate that even god couldn’t stop.
Even by doing that, I wanted to justify my heart that still liked you. Since I’d failed to erase you for five whole years, I wanted to rationalize that it was okay to have you now. I wanted to insist like a child that it was your fault for appearing before me, so I couldn’t give you up now.
“……”
D Group, my parents, your rejection.
Those were the only things I worried about in my childhood. Just as the first spoonful doesn’t fill you up, if he rejected me I could just confess again, I could use D Group’s power to protect him, and though my parents were a problem, I was confident I could somehow persuade them. Stupidly, I only realized this almost five years later when he came back to my side on his own. The me of those young days was that ignorant, could only see one step ahead, and my thinking was shallow.
Why did I do that back then—no matter how much I thought about it, it was pathetic that the only excuse I could give was that I was young. However, even if my first love failed, there was no law saying my second love had to fail too. Just because first love doesn’t come true doesn’t mean second love won’t come true either.
This time I will approach you properly. Without making clumsy mistakes, without being afraid of anything, I will walk toward you properly. Like the purity I thought of in childhood, to make you shine brightly, I will shoulder even your pain and suffering and become the dark night sky.
I like you. During five years, not for a single moment have I forgotten you. I still like you so much I don’t know what to do. My precious flower, I’ve grown enough to protect you.
The flower bloomed.
This was my second spring with you.
