My father was satisfied with my decision, and while my mother, who had been singing about how I should stay with family until I became an adult, had a displeased expression, she didn’t oppose it.
Choosing America was extremely calculated. Even if I couldn’t overcome myself and impulsively boarded a plane, I could control my feelings during the twelve-plus hours of flight.
After Kkotmoa left that day, I kept my phone off. Kang Junwoo called through my mother a couple of times, but I didn’t tell him I was going to America. I hated the thought that Kkotmoa might feel responsible or guilty if he heard news of my departure. I even asked my mother not to mention it if Kang Junwoo asked.
Everything was ready in four days. Sure, you can get plane tickets if you have money, but everything from a house to stay in America, a live-in employee to work for me, to a teacher who would teach me business management and business finance in English—everything was prepared so easily and quickly. At times like this, I realized the power of D Group was tremendous. My departure was tomorrow, and all I had to prepare was to pack my passport.
“Since the semester’s starting soon, how about a short week including this weekend? If you don’t like Guam, how about Cancun or Hawaii, or Bali’s good too.”
Even though I wasn’t going to tell him I was leaving for America tomorrow, I wanted to see his face at least once before going, so I came out after a long time to meet Kang Junwoo. While others couldn’t escape the pressure and anxiety of the college entrance exam as November approached, this bastard was extremely carefree, even though he wasn’t going to college in Korea anyway. He seemed quite upset that he couldn’t go on vacation this summer.
“First, I’ll make a reservation. Um…, would it be weird to ask Kkotmoa to come too?”
Seeing him chewing on his straw while asking, unlike his usual self, it seemed he was trying to gauge my mood. Anyway, if I left the country tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to join Kang Junwoo’s vacation.
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Are you in contact with Kkotmoa?”
“…No.”
“Ah, you frustrating fucking idiot. Just confess already. Why are you being so pathetic when it doesn’t suit you, fuck. A man should go straight ahead! Don’t you know? If you go backwards, it’s a cliff, fuck. D Group’s gonna run real smooth in the future.”
I chuckled. I just laughed. My heart was no longer with me. It hadn’t gone to him either. Then where was this heart that had lost its owner?
“I’m scared.”
“Crazy. If the one and only heir to D Group has something to fear, then everyone in the world would be trembling with fear and dying.”
“…Right.”
If only I had older brothers like Kang Junwoo, I could have thought more selfishly. No, even so, I would have been afraid of ruining him with what I have. Even if I could get by now with the excuse of being young, I knew that someday the things I possessed would point their arrowheads at him. Honestly, if it were just arrowheads, I’d give him a shield and help him block them, but D Group, my parents, the world I belonged to—they would point gun barrels at him. If they pointed gun barrels at me, I’d endure and break through head-on, but everything would point gun barrels at him. That’s what scared me.
“Stop thinking about playing and study. If you go abroad with that stupid head of yours, your brain will dry up. I’m leaving.”
Ignoring his yapping about what to do about the vacation, I left the cafe. I told my parents it was language study, that I’d only go until before university entrance, but I couldn’t be certain. Because I was a coward, no, because if he was somewhere my feet could easily reach, I felt like I’d pluck the flower—I might end up telling my father I’d go to university in America too, just as he wanted. The purity I once had, when I was simply happy just holding hands with him under the same sky, no longer existed.
I don’t know anymore—whether there was ever a time when I harbored only pure feelings for you without lust.
Before going home, I called a lawyer and stopped by the hospital. Even though the flower shop was doing so well, there were still considerable overdue hospital bills. It seemed they were paying them off along with bank debts. I was able to obtain information that Kkotmoa’s father would be discharged in a month or two. As was my purpose for coming to the hospital, I paid all the overdue hospital bills with my card and obtained a confidentiality agreement contract regarding the payment from the hospital through the lawyer. It was the last gift I could give Kkotmoa. Even though he wouldn’t want it.
My steps heading home were somehow wandering near the flower shop. Still, I wanted to see him at least once before leaving. Because of what I’d done, I wasn’t shameless enough to see his face and greet him, but wouldn’t it be okay to steal a glance? I was still selfish.
Among the colorful flowers, I saw my lovely flower shining with the most brilliant colors. I felt like I’d go blind from the vivid beauty. And I saw my heart next to him. It was floating around the fresh flower bathed in sunlight, swimming tenderly and pitifully.
My flower was pretty in spring and this pretty in summer too—how much prettier would he be in autumn and winter? Because I could no longer be satisfied with just looking at the flower, I was running away like a coward before I plucked the flower.
Even without me, Kkotmoa was wrapping flowers with a smiling face, quietly telling his father something. Those soft peach-colored lips moving ceaselessly—I had held them in mine. It had been sweeter than a dream, dizzying enough to make my thoughts stop.
Kkotmoa, who had been smiling brightly while talking about something, kissed Deonggeori, who was sitting on the table with ribbons hanging from both arms. It was ridiculous that I had once thought about whether we should have a battle over who liked Kkotmoa more—I lost to five-year-old Deonggeori. I might like Kkotmoa more than Deonggeori did, but Kkotmoa’s priority wasn’t me, it was Deonggeori. So even without me, he would smile that innocently, naively, and brightly.
I smiled too. Pulling up the corners of my mouth with difficulty, I smiled toward him who wasn’t looking at me. I was glad he was smiling. Even as blood overflowed from where my heart should be, I thought I wanted him to keep smiling.
The immutable law of first love. First love doesn’t come true.
My heart was never swallowed by you in the end.
**Kkotmoa Part 2**
**4. Encounter**
Just twenty-four years old now.
I haven’t lived in this world that long, but as you live, various memories accumulate. Among them, the ones that occupy the most space are memories related to people. Good, bad, happy, sad, joyful, painful, blissful, agonizing—we live accumulating countless emotional memories with others that can’t be listed.
Was it that if it was good, it’s a cherished memory, and if it was bad, it’s an experience?
Whether cherished memories or experiences, memories last quite a long time, surprisingly, and in some cases remain intensely enough to never be forgotten for a lifetime. Perhaps more than the actual facts experienced at that time, we can’t forget the emotions the heart felt. Even if I pretend otherwise, I was the same.
The memory of being happy looking at a single flower lasts quite a long time.
The heart that wanted to have a single flower also lasts quite a long time.
* * *
“Do Hyeondo! Fuck, you were alive after all? You bastard, I couldn’t reach you so I thought you had a funeral in the military. Fuck, why did you drop out of school when you kept ignoring everything?”
What followed was a feast of every curse in the world searching for bastards. It had been a while since I heard such cursing. Even though he came at lecture time to meet me since he couldn’t contact me anyway, that bastard excited by the spring breeze barked like a dog.
Kang Junwoo was the same now as when he was a senior in high school. Unlike me, who fairly entered university through early admission in the first semester, Kang Junwoo entered the same university and same business administration department as me through some kind of special admission. It was absolutely impossible through ability alone. However, if money and connections were also abilities, it was possible. He said he’d go abroad when he was a senior in high school and played like crazy, but in the end, like most third-generation chaebols, he entered our prestigious school through some unknown route.
When it was time to enter, there was a huge controversy about admission privileges for third-generation chaebols, but most universities made excuses that they added admission categories and increased enrollment. Even though it was true they increased enrollment, to my ears it just sounded like sophistry, but regardless, Kang Junwoo, who was at the center of it, attended school shamelessly and brazenly. He attended very well indeed.
Among the students at our university, there probably isn’t anyone who doesn’t know that Kang Junwoo’s family installed elevators in every school building and expanded the library. So in a way, I thought it could be understandable that Kang Junwoo might feel confident.
I didn’t feel it was unfair that Kang Junwoo received privileges. No matter how much we attended the same university and same department, the comprehension of lectures was different and grades were different. Those who received privileges—even if admission was easy, they couldn’t get grades easily. Adapting, being recognized, and being evaluated were based on ability. So while Kang Junwoo adapted to university life, he couldn’t adapt to keeping up with lectures.
“A bastard who hasn’t even been to the military talking like that. Don’t you know that men have to go to the military to come to their senses and become human?”
“Are you saying I’m not human right now?”
Were you human? I thought you were the mutt from next door. You don’t get tired and bark so much. I thought you were a dog bastard who could speak human words.
“Even if you say that, my conscience doesn’t ache at all? Stupid, don’t you know the military is something you should avoid if you can?”
The year after the issue of university special admission privileges came up, there was noise about the military exemption problem for children of high-ranking officials. Kang Junwoo was at the center of that too, but compared to other bastards who got caught, he was relatively young so he got out relatively easily. Anyway, it was true that a bastard with all four limbs intact and a healthy body received military exemption through privileges.
After spending six months in America, I agonized intensely over whether to enter a university in Korea. I absolutely couldn’t find an answer on my own, so I sought my parents’ advice. Surprisingly, both Mom and Father wanted me to attend university in Korea. Using that as an excuse, I returned and entered the prestigious university I was admitted to through first-semester early admission.
Perhaps I wanted to come back but didn’t have the courage. I missed him so much that while I was in America, I almost impulsively took a plane several times—it would hurt my mouth to say more.
Even now, Kang Junwoo was by my side. The guy who poured out every curse in the world at me for leaving for America without a word said he was letting it slide because I came back after six months. And Kang Junwoo never brought up Kkotmoa’s story to me first.
