The lips touching mine were soft. I closed my eyes, pretending not to see his eyes widening in surprise. With my eyes closed, the soft and tender sensation became even more vivid. Like being addicted to drugs, like Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, I couldn’t pull my lips away from his.
Just a little more, just a little more…
Even though we were just pressing our lips together, my chest tingled and my ribs tensed up enough to feel tight, and my lower abdomen pulled taut. I wasn’t young enough not to know what this reaction was. Even as I felt him frozen stiff, I couldn’t pull away. My head knew I shouldn’t do this, but my body didn’t know. I carefully and calmly kept my lips pressed against his, as if trying to memorize his lips with mine.
I want to give you my pure heart.
Even as I pressed my lips against his to my satisfaction, Kkotmoa remained frozen but didn’t push me away. That might be why I gained courage. Because I was so nervous I forgot how to breathe, and by the time I felt dizzy, I was licking his soft lips with my rough tongue. I couldn’t open my eyes because I didn’t have the confidence to see what expression he was making. His shallow exhaled breath was transmitted to me completely.
Even though I liked Kkotmoa so much, I had no room to be considerate. Unlike Kang Junwoo, who was already experienced and had been around, I was inexperienced and clumsy, not even having kissed before. After our lips parted, I didn’t know how to look at him, what expression to make—I knew nothing. I only thought that I didn’t want to let go of this sweetness.
I want to have you.
These were the thin lips that always spoke various words in front of me with a gentle tone, quietly and calmly, the lips that swallowed things in a well-mannered and neat way. I couldn’t deny that I had wanted to taste these lips, even though I hadn’t been aware of it until now. I couldn’t count how many times I had stolen glances at his lips. I tilted my head slightly while desperately caressing with my right hand the nape of his neck that I had been stealing glances at.
Please don’t push me away.
After licking his peach-colored lips steadily for a long while, I pushed my tongue between his lips that he hadn’t closed yet in his surprise. A sweet floral scent spread as I met his frozen tongue. Since it was my first time, I didn’t know what to do, so all I could do was tickle his tongue with mine. Just barely touching each other’s tongues, I had to pant with a strange impatience that felt like I would reach climax from just that small contact alone.
If I was going to lose control and devour him like this anyway, why did I struggle so hard to endure all this time?
The month that had been painful and agonizing enough to kill me felt ridiculous. A bitter emotion mixed with self-mockery surged up inside me. I thought I was doing my best in my own way, but I still couldn’t kill my feelings of liking him. When I went outside, I was afraid to see the flowers scattered along the roadside, because then I wouldn’t be able to hold back and would run to you even if I had to pretend it was a coincidence, so I hid in my room knowing this about myself.
Because I anticipated that I would eventually do something terrible to you.
And in the end, I was doing something terrible like this. The small tongue that flinched every time my tongue moved was lovely. His trembling shoulders were pitiful. I wanted to do worse things, but he who couldn’t push me away or run was heartbreaking. Did he pity me, was he letting me do this because of that—it wouldn’t have been this miserable if he had at least slapped me across the face and hurled curses at me.
No, I’d rather wish that you truly pitied me. Whether you sympathized with me or whatever, anything was fine—I was filled only with the thought that I wanted you to accept me somehow. I wanted to plead with tears, begging you to swallow my lost heart. The moment I became aware of reality amidst impossible wishes, I snapped out of the sweet ecstasy.
“……”
“……”
I was the one who pulled my lips away first. Kkotmoa was looking at me with eyes that had grown large enough to roll out, unable to even close his lips that were glistening wet with saliva. It wasn’t a look of contempt, nor was it disappointment. The emotions I could see most clearly were surprise and confusion.
Had I sexually harassed him? Just as kissing him while entranced had happened in an instant, the guilt and self-loathing also came in an instant.
I absolutely didn’t have the confidence to face him. Even knowing it was a kiss without the other person’s consent, if I stayed with him just a little longer, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to hold back and would rush at his lips again. I couldn’t hurt him any more than this.
If you pluck a flower, happiness will only last a moment. You, having been plucked, will wither in agony, and I will suffer painfully watching you wither.
“Go.”
“…Hyeon, doya.”
“I’m not going to apologize, so go.”
“……”
“Or hit me a few times before you go. I’ll let you hit me. And…”
I shouldn’t speak this badly, this kind kid will get hurt… I couldn’t control my mouth this time either, the mouth that had stolen his lips on its own. However, my selfishness remained unchanged—I felt it would be more comfortable to get hit a few times rather than hear words of resentment or rejection from him. It seemed like someone was sneering, saying how fitting it was for someone who didn’t suit acting affectionate to end up like this.
“That thing you said about missing me…”
“……”
“Don’t say it carelessly to just anyone. Because it makes me misunderstand.”
“…Hyeondoya, I…”
“Hyeondoya, Jaea seems to have missed you. He’s looking for hyung-ah’s friend… Why are you two like this? Did you fight?”
The ajumma who usually looked for manners so much suddenly opened the door wide without even knocking, holding Deonggeori in her arms. Sensing the unusual atmosphere between Kkotmoa and me, she glared at me. A fierce energy pierced me, asking what I had done to a friend who came all the way here to visit.
“Hyung-ah ching-gu. Hyeon, hyung, hyeom…, Hyeondo hyung-ah.”
Having practiced a lot during that time, Deonggeori called my name with precise pronunciation, correcting the word several times, and stretched his arms toward me. I almost burst into tears without realizing it. In the face of the sincere affection shown to me by this defenseless crystallization of purity, the emotions I had been building up for an entire month were about to burst out all at once. It was difficult to swallow the hot surge rising up.
“He’s leaving.”
That was all I could say. I pretended not to see Deonggeori reaching his arms out to me. After what I had just done to Kkotmoa, I couldn’t bring myself to hug Deonggeori. I didn’t have the confidence to face Deonggeori’s clear and transparent eyes.
“Why already? Moaya, eat dinner before you go. Ajumma will make something delicious. If you’re free, I’ll also make snacks for Jaea and pack…”
“What do you mean a high school senior should play around! Don’t you think, Mom? How much time is left until the college entrance exam, and you’re telling him to play, to play!”
“Why is this kid…”
“I, I’m sorry. I’m the one who made Hyeondo angry… U-uh, I mean, I made a small mistake…”
Just as Mom was about to say something to me snapping at her, Kkotmoa quickly cut in. If anyone did something wrong it was me, not him—what did he do wrong to act like that? I really felt like I would explode. Unable to watch him struggle to explain that it was his fault until the end, I muttered a curse under my breath and went outside.
Even though it was midsummer, the garden was full of nameless flowers that Mom cherished in full bloom. Seeing them made me feel even more twisted inside. I felt like I was going crazy. All this time, I hadn’t even been able to come out of my room because I didn’t have the confidence to even look at the flowers blooming in the garden.
Because when I see flowers, I can’t bear missing you. Because weak-willed and feeble me can’t help but run to you. Because then I’ll end up plucking the flower no matter what.
I turned my gaze away from the flowers with difficulty and came out beyond the front gate. Mid-August, the midday heat made my mood even more depressed. I seemed to see him walking while sweating, carrying Deonggeori on his back and holding a flower basket and cake from the bus stop.
But when our lips touched, there was no smell of sweat from him at all—only a dizzying floral scent filled the air. The sensation of his lips touching mine was still vivid on my lips. That pleasant feeling of warmth and softness and tenderness—I probably will never forget it for the rest of my life.
My first kiss was hazy like floating above the clouds and poignant enough to make the empty space of my lost heart ache. It was sweet enough to feel paradise on the tip of my tongue and thrilling enough to want to keep going like a car with broken brakes.
And my first kiss… hurt.
Voices came over the wall. Mom seemed to be seeing off Kkotmoa and Deonggeori. I heard Mom’s voice cursing me and Kkotmoa’s voice defending me alternating. I quickly hid my body in a blind spot. I wanted to watch even his retreating figure as he left. I also heard a voice refusing, probably Mom giving Deonggeori pocket money again. It was Mom’s victory as expected, telling them to buy something delicious because she felt bad about sending them off without even feeding them dinner.
The gate opened, and after the sound of greetings, the door closed. Step by step, the sound of small footsteps slowly moving away disturbed my ears. I turned my body slightly and stared at his back as he walked holding Deonggeori. Deonggeori, nestled in Kkotmoa’s arms, made eye contact with me over his shoulder. I brought my index finger to my lips. The understanding and mature five-year-old Deonggeori tilted his head for a moment. Then he put on an innocent smile on his handsome face and wiggled his small hands cutely like fern shoots, waving them flutteringly in the air. I awkwardly waved my hand back too.
The final goodbye I couldn’t say to you, I made to the kid in your arms instead.
I instinctively knew this was our end. It was the conclusion of my shameless one-sided love, where I couldn’t control my desire and selfishness, did something irreversible, and didn’t even apologize. I stood there stupidly, watching him fade away distantly without even being able to blink.
Until the swaying flower became a dot and disappeared into the light, I captured you endlessly in my eyes like that.
* * *
“I heard that if I talk to the school properly, I don’t have to attend the second semester. Rather than wasting time unnecessarily, I think it would be more helpful to go on a language study abroad program. Since I already got accepted through early admission in the first semester, I want to make good use of my time. I want to leave as soon as possible, preferably.”
I packaged Father’s suggestion as if it were my own opinion. It was because of Mom. Actually, Father had recommended studying abroad, not just a language program, but contrary to what I had agreed to, in a setting where Mom was also present, I cleverly changed it to a time-limited language study program. The truth was that I didn’t need a language program at all given my abilities, but for now, I also wanted to leave. I missed him so much that just being under the same sky was painful and difficult.
Therefore, all I could do as someone barely nineteen was run away. His expression filled with surprise and confusion after the kiss was stuck in my mind and tormented me. I should have endured just a little more, I should have endured somehow—no matter how much I suffered in self-loathing and regret, nothing changed. Even if I hadn’t kissed him, I, who had awakened to desire, could no longer look at him purely.
