In mid-July, I submitted my application for early admission in the first semester. I told my parents I was just trying it out. But contrary to what I said, I was determined to do well on the interview and essay to definitely pass the first semester early admission. From August when successful applicants would be announced, I planned to take full responsibility and help Kkotmoa study to my heart’s content. It was a plan I made in case Kkotmoa might worry about or feel burdened by my studies if I also had to take the college entrance exam.
As time passed and they opened their eyes to reality and felt a sense of crisis, the anxiety and sensitivity of the kids in class reached their peak, and even the kids who occasionally chatted during break time had completely disappeared. Everyone was so busy taking care of themselves that they sat glued to their chairs as if they’d applied glue to them and didn’t know how to leave their desks. The teachers also mostly let us self-study, and even the clueless Kang Junwoo, perhaps sensing the unusual atmosphere, didn’t come to our seats and fool around like before. Kang Junwoo passed the boring time by sprawling asleep face-down on his desk or exchanging messages and goofing around with the guys from social circles.
“Do Teacher, why is the answer to this problem this?”
Kkotmoa asked a question about a social studies domain problem in a quiet voice. He drastically reduced his math study time and focused on language, foreign language, and social studies. Very occasionally there were universities in the humanities track that looked at math domain scores, but basically because it was humanities, the scores for language, foreign language, and social studies domains were prioritized. I judged it would be better to increase the possibility of Kkotmoa receiving a scholarship, so I boldly proposed he focus on language, social studies, and foreign language rather than math.
Because of this, Kkotmoa usually studied the social inquiry domain at school and memorized essential English vocabulary for the college entrance exam. He always did language or English problems at home. Even though he was naturally seeking study gods, it seemed he tried to restrain himself in places where all the class kids were present. The math god was okay, but the English god or language god were somewhat awkward after all. I would be lying if I said I didn’t care either, so I pretended not to know. I wasn’t afraid of the kids’ eyes. I was afraid of being found out about my feelings if it got distorted into strange stories and reached my parents’ ears.
What I feared most was hearing your words of rejection.
“Right, when we go study today, can we stop by the flower shop and pick up Jaea?”
“Deong-, no, why him?”
“…Just call him Deonggeori. I know you call him Deonggeori to Jaea.”
How did he know that?
Unable to hide my surprised expression, I looked at Kkotmoa. Kkotmoa smiled mischievously and added:
“You said ‘Deong-‘ several times and changed your words to say my brother, so I thought about it carefully. What comes after ‘Deong-‘… But there was only Deonggeori. Right?”
It was awkward to say no and awkward to say yes, so I played dumb without answering. It wasn’t funny at all, but Kkotmoa giggled next to me and continued:
“Anyway, let’s stop by the flower shop today and pick up Jaea. Jaea seems to want to see you. He keeps saying ‘hyung-ah’s friend, hyung-ah’s friend’ lately. He doesn’t have friends so he probably doesn’t even know exactly what the word friend means.”
“That’s good. My mom has been, Deong-, no, uh, yeah, you said you know. Then I’ll speak comfortably. My mom kept nagging me to buy Deonggeori toys, so I was stressed.”
There probably isn’t another bastard who sells out his mom as often and as much as me. Recently my mom talked about Deonggeori a lot, but it was out of wanting to see him and worrying if he was doing well—there was no talk of toys at all. The toys were just something I wanted to buy. But being able to naturally pass it to Kkotmoa like this, I wondered what I would have done if I didn’t have a mom to sell out.
“You should have said something.”
“I was afraid you’d feel burdened. Even if it’s goodwill from the giver, it can be a burden to the receiver.”
“No. Your mom said so. When an adult gives something, just say thank you and accept it. I’m not so heartless as to feel burdened by toys your mom buys for Jaea. Actually, I’ve been feeling bad that I couldn’t visit with our Jaea to say hello because you kept saying your mom was busy.”
“Forget it. Stop by the flower shop, pick up Deonggeori, and stop by the department store too. The money my mom gave me to buy Deonggeori toys—I kept carrying it around and it’s been bothering me.”
“Okay. It’s been a while since we went on an outing, so Jaea will be really happy too.”
Kkotmoa grabbed and pulled my arm while responding with an expectant voice. I had no choice but to stand up from my seat caught off guard by a force that wasn’t even strong. I would probably fall to the floor with Hollywood over-acting if Kkotmoa just tapped me with his fingertip.
“Let’s go to the canteen. I’ll buy you a drink. Now that my allowance has increased by thirty thousand won, I have a lot of leeway.”
Kkotmoa knew about the thirty thousand won leeway that I wouldn’t know about even if I died and came back to life. I could feel it just by looking at his brightly smiling face.
We left the classroom together, walked down the hallway, entered the canteen, and stood in front of the drink refrigerator. As long as it wasn’t too sweet or too bitter, I drank most things well, so I was going to pick just anything. But what’s the big deal about a drink—seeing Kkotmoa next to me choosing carefully with a serious expression made me want to tease him.
“You said you’re treating.”
“Yeah. Pick what you want to drink.”
“Can I get a big one?”
“Um… I was originally going to buy you a can, but okay. I’m being generous. You can pick one with a lid.”
His appearance of showing off over a difference of just a few hundred won was so cute that I let out a laugh. Without realizing it, I stroked the back of Kkotmoa’s head. The hair that looked good to the eye felt much softer wrapped around my hand. It was a very pleasant feeling. When clear eyes looked up at me, I came to my senses and pulled back my hand in embarrassment and awkwardness.
“Did it feel… bad?”
“Huh? Why?”
“No.”
The thief’s feet gave themselves away. There were many guys who usually stroked the back of Kkotmoa’s head, but maybe because I was in a state of liking him, I became conscious of it for no reason. However, the action I did unconsciously satisfied me. It was still soft and tingly as if his hair was clinging to my hand.
I just took out any drink I could see and held it out to Kkotmoa. He pondered for a moment, then picked the same one I chose and paid. We headed to the classroom while drinking together.
“I like it when people stroke my head.”
“Huh?”
“But even though Do Teacher is kind, he’s blunt and doesn’t praise me even when I solve problems well. Now I deliberately don’t let other kids touch my head.”
What should I say? What did I just hear? It seems like a very heart-fluttering thing…
The thought didn’t last long. Because a loud crashing sound rang out from inside the classroom with the back door right in front of us. High school senior classrooms were generally quiet, so there was no way such a sound would occur. When I peeked inside the back door, I saw an overturned desk. And I saw a guy crushed underneath it. For just falling over, it was a strange sight with the crushed guy’s mouth area torn and bleeding. It seemed like someone threw a punch then threw the desk.
“Fuck, if you run your mouth one more time about having a torn mouth, I’ll rip it wide open.”
The voice containing anger was eerie. The protagonist was the usually well-behaved next-door puppy Kang Junwoo. No matter how much Kang Junwoo caught rabies or was affected by the heat, he wasn’t the type to carelessly swing his fists. Except for once when he transferred, he didn’t cause accidents on campus. Seeing him with a menacing scowl, it didn’t seem like an ordinary matter.
“What… happened? Why are you like this?”
Kkotmoa, who approached Kang Junwoo before me, asked. Kang Junwoo looked back and forth between Kkotmoa and me, unable to hide his flustered expression. Everyone’s gazes flew to Kkotmoa. It felt strangely off for just having gone next to Kang Junwoo who had just caused an accident. Those gazes seemed to strangely carry questions.
“What are you looking at, bastards?! Enjoying the show?!”
When Kang Junwoo yelled, the clinging gazes scattered in an instant. Kang Junwoo, who was always kind to Kkotmoa, irritably swatted away Kkotmoa’s hand gripping his arm and escaped through the back door. In the process, our eyes met again but it was just a fleeting moment. Somehow it felt like Kang Junwoo was avoiding my gaze.
“Shouldn’t you go after Junwoo?”
The voice of Kkotmoa who had approached in front of me before I knew it was full of worry. When people worry, don’t they usually worry about the one who got hit rather than the one who hit? A fundamental curiosity arose, but that wasn’t important.
“I’ll go check.”
I patted Kkotmoa’s shoulder a couple times and left the classroom again. But I later realized I shouldn’t have left Kkotmoa alone at this time. I should have stuck by my flower’s side as usual and blocked out the noise. I shouldn’t have left Kkotmoa alone in the classroom using the not-so-grand excuse of friendship. I realized it too late.
I didn’t know that the flower I wanted to show only warm sunlight would face a storm alone under thunder and lightning.
First, where Kang Junwoo would go was obvious. Either the nurse’s office or the rooftop. In this situation, there was a higher possibility he was venting on the rooftop rather than sprawled out sleeping in the nurse’s office. I couldn’t even guess what made the bastard growl and act up.
As expected, the rooftop door was open. As soon as I opened the door, the sharp smell of cigarettes brushed my nose. It could hardly be called a good smell. Kang Junwoo was smoking a cigarette with his arms draped over the rooftop railing, looking down at the playground.
“Give me one too.”
Normally the guy who would say the bastards who have them make more of a fuss, buy and smoke your own, strangely gave me the whole pack of cigarettes without a word. It was difficult to predict what happened in that very short break time, those 10 minutes. The guy who seemed like he’d light it for me when I put the cigarette in my mouth just blandly handed over the lighter. This was proof that Kang Junwoo’s mood was properly twisted. Even if he was a guy who usually acted thoughtlessly, he was the type to overturn everything if there was something that deviated from his values. But no matter how much I thought about it, there was no way something that warranted that could have happened in the classroom.
“What’s wrong?”
“What the fuck.”
“Why did you flip out on that bastard earlier?”
“You…”
Kang Junwoo, who was about to say something, roughly ran his hands through his hair, cursed to himself, and took a deep drag of his cigarette. The cigarette smoke scattering from his mouth looked much murkier than usual. I felt an inexplicable sense of alienation from his appearance of keeping his mouth firmly shut, unlike the guy who usually revealed everything down to trivial details.
“…Me, what.”
“Ay, fuck. No.”
“What is it?”
“I said no, fucker.”
The guy who was puffing away threw the shortened butt on the ground as if tossing it and crushed it with his sneaker. Immediately a new cigarette was in Kang Junwoo’s mouth. I lit it with the lighter I was holding. My cigarette was still not even half burned.
