After finding out that Kkotmoa’s parents were a gay couple, I never went to the flower shop once. I thought I was open-minded and had an open mind, but I guess I wasn’t. Even while pretending to be fine, I couldn’t help being shocked. I just didn’t have the confidence to see his dad again. It was a clumsy age where I didn’t know how I should treat his dad after learning such an enormous fact.
Since Kkotmoa said he had only two dads, I had been thinking about Kkotmoa and his parents all week long. I couldn’t remember how the weekend passed or what state of mind I was in when I received my heir education. Still, yesterday, which was Monday, I remembered Kkotmoa making Kang Junwoo look like an idiot while going on about the god of math.
“Is this part difficult?”
At the tutor’s voice that suddenly rang out, I looked at the open section. It was the Finance for the Non-Financial Business Person part. In the present day where economic complexity is increasing, knowing the world of business finance is essential. However, this wasn’t difficult. Since it was a part about understanding basic financial theory and concepts, it was actually a part I could study on my own. My interest was in the Strategic Planning part. I was interested in strategic planning and strategic analysis tools, or simply put, the leadership course where I could blatantly stand above others. But I kept thinking about Kkotmoa and his parents, so I didn’t even realize that the tutor was explaining an unnecessary part.
“Hyeondo-ya, do you not understand the concept of the terms, or is the finance part itself difficult?”
Unlike Kang Junwoo and other third-generation chaebols who received lessons with honorifics while being called young master when receiving tutoring, I received specialized business administration tutoring treated as just an ordinary high school student. It was American business administration, a bit different from Korea. My tutors all spoke casually to me and called me by name. Mom’s doctrine that being called young master from now would spoil my manners was applied everywhere. Because of that, unlike Kang Junwoo who lived hearing “young master” until his ears were calloused, I had never once heard “young master” until now. Since I’m an only son with no older brother, I won’t even hear “young master” from a sister-in-law.
“Teacher. I have something I’m curious about.”
Unlike Kang Junwoo who called his tutors hyung or noona, I had to properly call them teacher. In other third-generation chaebol households, the tutor was the weaker party, but no matter which tutors I was put with, I was the weaker party. I had to use the title teacher properly and treat them very politely and respectfully. This was also Mom’s doctrine. I think Mom’s doctrine is right. That’s why I can ask this kind of question. The man tutoring me is actually just a hyung who’s ten years older than me, the same age as Kang Junwoo’s second older brother, but anyway, superficially he’s an adult teacher.
“What is it?”
What should I ask? Whether there are gays around? How do gay couples adopt children? My friend’s parents are a gay couple, so does that mean he’s also gay… Crazy bastard. What the hell am I curious about? I didn’t even know exactly what I wanted to ask. As immature and clumsy as I was, I couldn’t even find the exact core.
“Hyeondo-ya?”
“Never mind. I’m done with this, let’s move on to Strategic Planning.”
I still couldn’t concentrate on tutoring. I missed answering several questions the tutor asked. Tomorrow was Wednesday when I study with Kkotmoa at the cafe. As the number of flowers I received from him increased, it was complicated to see the number of wilting flowers increase. The flowers that were brilliant and fresh when Kkotmoa and I were together wilted while I handled them alone. I was happy and glad when I received them, but watching the flowers wilt alone was quite bitter. Even though I didn’t know exactly what I was curious about, I had to believe that my curiosity would wilt like those flowers as time passed.
* * *
Flower vendors selling carnations were lined up in front of the school gate. After getting out of the driver’s car and seeing the flowers, I realized that today was Teacher’s Day. Carnations that could be worn on one’s chest were 3,000 won each. Come to think of it, it seemed like the class president collected some money from everyone a few days ago to buy a gift for the homeroom teacher. I suddenly wondered whether Kkotmoa solved the money collected at school from his allowance that was only 100,000 won, or whether he asked his dad for it. Well, he solved transportation, phone bills, and even Deonggeori’s gifts from his allowance, so given Kkotmoa’s personality, it didn’t seem like he would ask separately for money to give to school.
“Good morning, my friend.”
I swatted away the arm that was draped over my shoulder. Anyway, bastards who can’t speak English are always dying to use English.
“So prickly. Hey, man. This is why you only have me as a friend. Right?”
“Fuck off.”
“Ah, right. You have one more friend.”
As we crossed the schoolyard, I made a puzzled expression at what Kang Junwoo said. At our school, Kang Junwoo was my only friend. There were social gatherings of third-generation chaebols every quarter, but even among them, the guys I could call friends were few and far between. But looking at my expression, Kang Junwoo made an even more puzzled expression.
“Why’s your expression like that? You and Kkotmoa are best friends these days. I was so worried that you’d have no friends but me until graduation. But I’m so relieved that Kkotmoa gets along with you so gently. I don’t have the confidence to handle you alone until graduation.”
Going on about handling and such. But I guess Kang Junwoo can also see Kkotmoa swaying gently. Somehow I felt strangely bad. But what was stranger was the fact that I had never thought of Kkotmoa as a friend.
At school, he’s the desk mate sitting next to me, and twice a week, every Wednesday and Friday, we study together at the cafe until late. Whenever he solves a math problem, he shows the back of his hand and wraps his palm around my right hand that I deliberately placed there. I even know his secret that no one knows. Actually, these days I spent more time hanging out with Kkotmoa than Kang Junwoo. Whenever I had a chance, I unconsciously thought about Kkotmoa. Yet I had never thought of Kkotmoa as a friend like Kang Junwoo.
Then what is Kkotmoa? What is he if not a friend? The fact I suddenly realized confused me. Until I arrived at the classroom, I was engulfed in chaos because I couldn’t find a proper position for Kkotmoa within me.
“Let’s go up.”
I was on the early side for coming to school. First of all, the biggest reason was that I hated traffic jams so I wanted to avoid that time. Since there were almost no kids who came early to school in the morning, I also somewhat enjoyed studying alone in the quiet classroom. On days when Kang Junwoo occasionally came early, we would go up to the rooftop together like now. Even while heading to the rooftop, inside my head I was struggling to somehow find a suitable position for Kkotmoa. I knew it in my head. The definition of the relationship that could be most easily established between nineteen-year-old same-sex boys. Yet I didn’t want to give him the most natural and easy position of friend, so I didn’t know how to explain this absurd situation.
Kang Junwoo skillfully unlocked the padlock on the rooftop door with a key. The first thing this bastard did as soon as he transferred was steal the rooftop door key from the security office and copy it. Thanks to that, we gained the privilege of looking down at the school at a glance. I was leaning against the railing, indifferently scanning the kids coming to school with meaningless eyes. No, actually, I was looking for someone. Even though today was Teacher’s Day, among the many children, there was no kid coming to school holding flowers. A sharp cigarette smell wafted over. It wasn’t a smell coming from the cigarette in my hand.
“As expected of a blockhead.”
“Why are you picking a fight first thing in the morning?”
“Don’t you see the wind is blowing toward me right now? If a bastard whose ink on his resident registration card isn’t even dry is going to smoke, at least have some consideration.”
“Ha, shameless bastard. Anyone would think you’re a non-smoker.”
Even while grumbling, Kang Junwoo went to the opposite side. After I threatened to immediately snitch to his eldest hyung if he got cigarette smell on me, Kang Junwoo made efforts to prevent smoke from reaching me even when smoking together. Of course, since he was a guy with a bad head, I had to point this out every time. This time, the smoke I exhaled rode the wind toward Kang Junwoo’s side. Kang Junwoo didn’t care at all.
“Yeo Seowon came to my house yesterday.”
“Yeo Seowon?”
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t remember who she was and had to think for a long time. Then I recalled that she was the girl Kang Junwoo confessed to at the beginning of the semester by having Kkotmoa deliver flowers. But…
“Didn’t she say she had to get a scholarship to go to college? Didn’t she reject you saying she was studying?”
“So I said if she dated me, I’d recommend her as a sponsored scholarship student for our group, and I almost got slapped.”
“But.”
“Even after that I pushed three or four more times but the girl didn’t budge at all, you know? The cold wind was blowing hard.”
“Cut the detailed romance history and just give me the conclusion. Not interested.”
I roughly listened to Kang Junwoo’s words while rolling my eyes busily. I wonder if the kids ordered a lot of carnations. They would have ordered from Kkotmoa, so he’d give them at a bargain price again under the pretext of a student discount, can he carry them all by himself? I was absorbed in my own thoughts when suddenly words that stuck precisely in my ears came.
“Then she said even now if my feelings haven’t changed, she’d date me so recommend her as a sponsored scholarship student for our group. It was something I said first, but why did I feel so dirty? My feelings for her suddenly dropped.”
“…Why did she suddenly do that?”
“Fuck, what did you hear of my story? She totally bombed the midterms and the June mock exam is approaching so she’s anxious and fretting. With her grades, if she wants to get a scholarship and go to college, she can only go to a provincial college, but she wants to be ‘in Seoul’ even if it kills her, so that’s why.”
“So?”
“What do you mean ‘so’? I told her to fuck off. I thought she was pretty because even though she had nothing, she had pride and spirit. I liked that she was bright and confident, unlike someone in difficult circumstances. There are already tons of bastards being servile in front of me, so I’d really love it if the person I like also acted servile toward me.”
What would Kkotmoa have done? If his grades didn’t improve while learning from me. If he couldn’t get a scholarship and ‘in Seoul’ was impossible with his grades. Then would he also make that kind of request to me? If I recommend him as a sponsored scholarship student for our group, he’d date me…
“Fuck.”
“Right. Fucking hell, right? In our country, it seems like everything really works with money. I learned the sad reality too quickly at a young age.”
I couldn’t believe the thought I had carelessly. I couldn’t accept it. Dating Kkotmoa… No, what the hell kind of trashy thought is this? Crazy. Not just crazy, but properly crazy. Playing with weird Kkotmoa and ignorant Kang Junwoo must have made my brain, which boasted fast rotation, solidify. At this level, it didn’t just solidify but became very hard plaster.
