Even if all the other requirements were approved, the most basic one, number 1, was impossible. Our country wasn’t one where same-sex marriage was legally permitted. If that wasn’t the case, then did his dads conceive him outside and go through adoption procedures again? My head was going crazy wanting to know more about Kkotmoa. Even though outwardly I was acting as indifferent as usual.
“Do Teacher. I thought about it for another 30 seconds but still don’t know.”
With a beaming smile, he caught my attention by playing around, biting the end of his mechanical pencil with his lips then releasing it. Was it because there were only two dads at home that he had to do housework and look after the child? To think they adopted him to make him a caretaker seemed unlikely given how their father-son relationship was creepily affectionate. The reason it was creepy was when I substituted myself and my father into it. With our stiff relationship, such embarrassing smiles and affectionate speech couldn’t be exchanged. Just imagining it made me shiver as if an army of ants were crawling all over my body. But conversely, I also couldn’t imagine this guy who clings so affectionately showing a blunt attitude toward his dad like I do.
“Wait, Do Teacher. I think I can solve it from here. Let me try. Tell me when I get it wrong.”
I was silently solving the problem he asked about in my notebook when his left hand grabbed my right hand and stopped me. My gaze fixed on the hand he was holding. Strength unnecessarily entered my hand holding the mechanical pencil, wrapped in his palm. Sweat gradually built up. Kkotmoa was busy bowing his head and solving the problem, not even aware that he was holding my hand.
My heart fell onto my quiet hand.
Thump-thump, ba-bump, my heart beat on the back of my hand.
I thought I hoped he would solve the problem a little longer. I thought I hoped he would concentrate more on the problem so he wouldn’t even notice that his palm was covering the back of my hand.
* * *
After learning that Kkotmoa only had two dads, things I hadn’t known began to become visible. Guys who would at most put their arms around each other’s shoulders touched Kkotmoa’s cheeks or stroked his hair, and it didn’t look strange. So feeding him snacks didn’t even compare.
The kids were one thing, but the biggest problem was that Kkotmoa receiving such warm affection looked natural. Perhaps it was because he grew up watching the affectionate antics of his gay dads. But somehow I was creeped out by myself for feeling relieved without knowing it. Because I didn’t understand why I was feeling relieved.
Because even though I couldn’t do anything, I felt like I could do that too.
“What are you two doing holding hands?”
It was a time with not much left until lunch period. Kang Junwoo, who had just eaten and briefly disappeared, approached munching on a bag of snacks in his hand. The guy in front of Kkotmoa naturally yielded his seat to Kang Junwoo and went to another group. The seat in front of Kkotmoa had now become Kang Junwoo’s designated spot every break time. Kang Junwoo, who used to be right in front from the very back of Group 4, switched to the back seat. He constantly leaves his own seat and comes all the way to Group 1, the farthest away, acting up. When Kkotmoa opened his mouth like a baby bird, Kang Junwoo put the snack he was about to put in his own mouth into Kkotmoa’s mouth instead.
There was definitely a problem. The thought that I also wanted to grab that snack and put it in his mouth was definitely not ordinary.
“I asked what you’re doing holding hands.”
Only then did I come to my senses. My right hand was still being held by Kkotmoa’s hand. After that moment at the cafe when his palm covered the back of my hand, everything flowed as naturally as water. Every time Kkotmoa solved a math problem, he covered the back of my right hand with his palm. In case I said something and he withdrew his hand, even while feeling my heart beating on the back of my hand, I couldn’t move my lips even once. I hoped he would continue to touch me, even unconsciously.
So I deliberately placed my right hand in his line of sight. Because I liked that soft warmth that naturally approached and wrapped around the back of my hand without even checking.
That bastard Kang Junwoo broke it. As expected of a bastard who mixed his sense of tact into bibim noodles and stirred it into mul noodles, his actions were just like him. But I was curious too. About what Kkotmoa’s intention was.
“He’s in the top 0.1% nationwide in math. He got second place in last year’s Math Olympiad too.”
“So what.”
As for whether the facts Kang Junwoo spilled were correct, Kang Junwoo only showed curiosity while leaving my proud achievement behind. In the meantime, another snack went into Kkotmoa’s mouth. Through Kang Junwoo’s hand. The guy who chewed and swallowed quite deliciously sparkled his eyes. Kkotmoa showed a refreshing smile and lowered his voice as if telling some great secret.
“I’m receiving the energy of the math god. When I do this, even problems I don’t know get solved.”
Ah. So that’s what it was.
Without realizing it, I clenched my left hand into a tight fist. I couldn’t move my right hand that I had given to him. Afraid he might become conscious even at the slightest movement, I couldn’t budge even a bit as if it weren’t my hand. The whole time I was touching him, it was like that. While I floundered in inexplicable emptiness and hollowness, Kang Junwoo ruffled Kkotmoa’s hair as if finding him cute. His lips moving while smiling brightly saying it’s real, I’m only telling you, were the color of a ripe peach. The back of my hand was still wrapped in soft warmth. While thinking it was good that I studied math hard, I somehow felt a little disappointed.
“If doing that really solved problems you don’t know, all the students in the school would have clung to this bastard.”
Seeing him giggle but still respond, even to Kang Junwoo’s eyes, Kkotmoa seemed absurd. Even though I knew it was nonsense, I was the most absurd one, thinking I hoped some of my math skills would transfer to him through our touching hands.
“That’s why it’s a secret. Want to try it too?”
He says something so seriously that would make others call him crazy. But perhaps because he looked neat and gentle, when Kkotmoa said it, even words that would get him called crazy felt credible. It wasn’t just me who felt that way. Judging by how Kang Junwoo removed Kkotmoa’s hand and covered the back of my hand with his own palm.
“What are you doing.”
“Stay still. Let me see if it’s real.”
Kang Junwoo took the problem book Kkotmoa was solving and began solving problems while covering the back of my hand. I couldn’t withdraw my pathetic gaze, and my seatmate covered his mouth with both hands and shook his shoulders trying to hold back laughter beside me. A hand similar in size to mine docilely covering the back of my hand was extremely unpleasant. It was nauseating like a bug was on the back of my hand. I endured wondering how much longer I had to play along with this stupid act, clenching and unclenching my fist with my right hand held by Kang Junwoo.
“Ah, hey! Don’t move, you bastard. I can’t concentrate.”
Crazy bastard. How much more idiotic behavior would he have to do before coming to his senses? He was my friend but I was deeply embarrassed.
“Hyeondo-ya, just bear with it a little. If you keep moving, the energy of the math god won’t be transmitted. Concentrate and think about sending all the math knowledge you have to Junwoo.”
Does he think I’m an idiot too?
I turned my head in absurdity. Kkotmoa gave me a wink with a face flushed red from trying to hold back laughter, as if asking me to play along a little more. In that moment, my hand that had been rolling into a fist filled with displeasure inside Kang Junwoo’s palm froze. That fleeting moment when he covered his lips with both hands, tried to hide his shaking shoulders, and blinked one eye at me—without realizing it, I swallowed dry saliva and forgot how to breathe. Kkotmoa was looking at Kang Junwoo absorbed in the problem with a face dying of amusement, and I was stupidly looking at that Kkotmoa. Everything in the world stopped and noise disappeared. Forgetting we were even in a classroom, it felt like only Kkotmoa enjoying himself and me watching you existed in this space. Amidst everything changing to black and white, only the flower next to me shone with dazzlingly vivid colors.
“Can you feel it, Junwoo-ya? Are formulas just popping up?”
“Haah……”
Only after hearing Kkotmoa’s playfully asking voice did my blocked breath burst out. My heart pounded abnormally fast and surged. It felt like all the kids in the classroom could hear my heartbeat. Without giving Kang Junwoo a chance to answer, I pulled out my caught hand, snatched away the problem book, and hit Kang Junwoo on the head with it.
“Ah, fuck! What, suddenly! I was just about to receive the energy!”
“You idiot. Instead of talking shit, if you’re a blockhead, study. Don’t think about taking shortcuts.”
“You crazy bastard, why are you hitting me and acting up! Are you bragging about being good at studying right now?”
“Yeah, I’m bragging. Seeing you ignorant makes my insides twist so I’m bragging.”
“Stop hitting me, you fucker! My already bad head is getting worse! Are you gonna take responsibility if I can’t go to college? Ah, fuck!”
Kang Junwoo, who had been struggling while covering his crown with both hands, ran away when I showed no signs of stopping. Next to me, Kkotmoa was laughing while holding his stomach. He was even wiping away tears with a face flushed red from laughing. What’s so funny?
Yeah, even if a bug touched my hand, as long as you were happy.
I threw the problem book I was gripping tightly onto Kkotmoa’s desk with a thud as if tossing it away. Kkotmoa tried to calm down while organizing his breathing. From the very back of Group 4, I could hear Kang Junwoo cursing at me from his seat. I’m really going to live long. I cleanly ignored him, self-filtering Kang Junwoo’s voice.
“Is it fun?”
“Yeah. Junwoo is unexpectedly really innocent, isn’t he?”
“He’s probably just stupid.”
In the end, I didn’t hear the real reason why Kkotmoa covered the back of my hand with his own hand every time he solved math problems. He concentrated on the math problem again and naturally covered my right hand with his own. The unpleasantness of the bug touching disappeared and the back of my hand began to breathe. For a moment, I had this thought.
If I showed my palm instead of the back of my hand, what would you do?
Would you still hold my hand……
