Since I wasn’t stretching my legs out, the truth was that the other person had mistepped toward me and fallen on their own. Ignoring the person who had fallen at my feet and jumped up, I grabbed a new bottle of alcohol.
“Hey, what are you doing? If you hit someone, you should apologize.”
The man who had brushed off the glass shards from his body touched my shoulder and picked a fight. I ignored him and drank my alcohol.
The man wasn’t alone, and before I knew it, the group of the fallen man had gathered around me.
“Look here. Can’t you hear me?”
“I didn’t hit you, so what should I apologize for?”
“You tripped me. Don’t you see my arm scraped by the glass from the bottle you knocked over?”
I didn’t particularly want to look, but they shoved it in front of my face so much that I had no choice but to check the other person’s elbow. The scrape marks from the asphalt were quite clearly visible.
“You must have stumbled and tripped on your own while staggering.”
“What? Hey, stand up.”
The man threw all my belongings that were on the table onto the ground. Then he burst into a hollow laugh.
“This bastard has lost all sense of fear.”
Saying that, he grabbed me by the collar. The smell of alcohol brushing my nose, slurred pronunciation, dilated pupils. The type of person I hate.
While being held by him, I spoke calmly.
“Let go.”
“Apologize first.”
“I said let go.”
“Where do you get off giving orders? Can’t you read the mood?”
It was a misunderstanding. It wasn’t an order but a request. A request to stop here.
But the man went further, tapping my cheek and spitting phlegm on the ground. Behind him, two people who appeared to be his companions were giggling and mocking me.
I hadn’t looked carefully, so I didn’t know, but now I could see that two of the three were wearing gold necklaces and had large tattoos on their bodies.
A thought suddenly occurred to me. Perhaps they’d intended to pick a fight from the start. Regardless of how I reacted.
And when the other person kicked me in the stomach, my suspicion turned into certainty.
“Kugh!”
I rolled on the ground clutching my stomach.
“You piece, of shit! That’s why, you shouldn’t, act tough!”
When I collapsed and sprawled out, the man kicked me repeatedly. I curled up my body and covered my stomach, but I couldn’t avoid the impact.
But this level of pain was still bearable. I’d gotten used to receiving worse violence than this with a child’s body. It was absurd, but I was quite skilled at getting beaten.
I curled up like a cocoon and closed my eyes. I just hoped they’d do it moderately and pass by quickly.
“From now on, look at who you’re messing with before you act up. Got it?”
“Wow, he just collapses right away. Are you a paper doll? What a waste of your build, you idiot.”
Giggle giggle. Mocking laughter rang out. Perhaps they’d vented their anger to some degree, as the other person’s violence subsided. I let out the breath I’d been holding while defending my body.
I thought they’d just leave like that, but I heard a crunching sound from somewhere.
When I opened my eyes, the man was stepping on the chocolate box that had fallen to the ground.
Through my vision, appropriately blurred by the alcohol, I saw the clearly crumpled chocolate box.
“…Ah.”
I let out a short exclamation.
My gift, which had been shabby to begin with, was now completely crushed and abandoned on the street. Like trash.
My vain expectation that he might smile at me at least once after receiving that—that too was now crushed.
My breathing became rough. My heart, which had been calm until now, began to pound rapidly as blood rushed quickly through my body.
The sight of the only decent thing I owned being completely ruined tormented me.
I reached out, picked up the chocolate box, then stood up. Then I grabbed the man who was just about to turn and leave.
“Apologize.”
“What’s this guy saying?”
“I said apologize.”
“Don’t want to?”
I brushed off the blood seeping from the back of my hand that had been scraped on the asphalt, then carefully set the chocolate box down on the table.
Before I knew it, my hands were trembling slightly. My breath caught in my throat from the anger I couldn’t contain.
The man, finding something amusing, still snickered as he looked me over.
“Why should I apologize to you…”
“I told you to apologize!”
Unable to hold back any longer, I screamed as if in anguish and threw a punch at his face.
“Hey, what the fuck is this bastard!”
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Reason desperately warned me inside my head.
But my body moved on its own. It was as if I was being controlled by someone else, beyond my own control.
“Kugh, this, fuck. Ugh, wait… Agh!”
I climbed on top of the other person and beat him wildly without giving him a chance to speak. Face, head, stomach, shoulders. Everything visible became my prey.
“Agh, fuck, what are you guys doing! Don’t just watch, huk! Wait, stop it!”
“Uh, uh, he’s not budging at all? Is he, is he crazy?”
I couldn’t control myself as I did the exact same thing as Dad.
‘Dad, huk. I, I was wrong.’
‘This bastard, just because you grew a little. You’re not listening properly to what your father says?’
‘Huk, I was wrong. I was… kugh, wrong…’
Sounds ring out. My voice from childhood. Dad’s scolding voice. The sound of him hitting me. The sound of him spitting curses. The sounds I fear.
The sound of me hitting someone.
“I!”
Thwack!
“Told you not to!”
The world makes me do things I don’t want to do. No matter how much a weak human like me tries to endure, it ultimately makes me hate myself.
Even when the other person’s bright red blood splattered onto my face, I couldn’t stop my hands. Even though the other person had collapsed onto the asphalt and was half unconscious, I didn’t know how to stop. It would be nice if someone could tell me how.
Even when people tried to restrain me, I absolutely wouldn’t let go of the man.
“Kyaah!”
“Excuse me! P-please stop now, okay?”
The moment I discovered Dad’s appearance in myself was horrifyingly terrible.
No matter how differently I spoke and acted, the only person who taught me what to eat and wear, how to live, was Dad. Every moment I realized I was a byproduct of the human I hated most was painful.
I hated Dad for dragging me into that crime so casually, for directly attaching the label of a criminal’s son to me. More than anything, the fact that I resembled him. It was unbearably despairing.
“I… told you.”
I clearly told you to let go.
I don’t want to hit. I clearly said to let go. So why do you insist on making me like this? Why?
I wish I could live even just one day without this filthy label attached to me. Not a vermin-like human who has to hide and stay out of sight from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, not someone who confined, abused, and tortured the person I like most, I wish I could be someone who could express affection as it is.
I want to try living without this tedious guilt and depression, rather than living as myself. Even if just for one day.
“Student, calm down. I’m telling you to stop!”
Before I knew it, tears flowed from my heated eyes. Every time I swung my fist, tears dripped down onto the blood spilled by the man who was being held and beaten by me.
The more that happened, the noisier the surroundings became. Even the gazes of the many people surrounding me weren’t frightening now.
“You crazy bastaaaaard!”
At some point, a thunderous shout rang out from behind. Before I could turn around, a heavy pain was inflicted on the back of my head.
Then my body staggered as if broken, and I collapsed face-down onto the ground.
After that, my memory was cut off.
***
Dad came home late at dawn after drinking and passed out. On nights when he fell asleep drunk, he wouldn’t wake up until late afternoon, so it was actually a peaceful day for me and the child.
The child had also figured out Dad’s pattern to some extent, so today he could spend the day at ease.
“Kwon Yujin. Aren’t you hungry? There’s some bread and canned food left.”
In the morning, as I was preparing to go to school, I heard the clanking sound of chains moving and spoke to the child.
But there was no answer in return.
“Kwon Yujin-ah. Kwon Yujin-ah.”
“……”
“Princess-nim?”
I sometimes called the child Princess-nim. Then the child would tremble and scream as if greatly insulted. Saying he was absolutely not a princess.
He seemed to hate that nickname so much that I tried not to use it, but the sight of him lying around lethargically all day and then suddenly blushing and getting angry looked so cute to my eyes. So even when I held back well, I would inevitably call him that teasingly once in a while.
But today, no reaction came back. He should definitely be awake at this time.
