“…….”
He was looking exactly at me. I thought he would withdraw his gaze right away, but even after several seconds passed, he continued to watch me.
Did he recognize me? While asking myself that, I pretended not to notice, turned my head, and moved to the next table.
He probably wouldn’t recognize me right away. That’s because Kwon Yujin had only ever seen me in work clothes and casual wear, hadn’t he? He’d never seen me in a formal uniform like now.
Moreover, since I was wearing the mask provided by the hotel, there was a high possibility he’d mistake me for someone similar.
“Ah, why. What is it. Did that person make a mistake?”
As Kwon Yujin continued to watch me, the woman next to him urged him curiously.
“No, nothing.”
Eventually, I naturally distanced myself from him, and Kwon Yujin’s gaze that had been persistently following me was soon withdrawn.
After making a full round of the hall like that, I ran out of water. I entered the back room in the corner of the hall.
After setting the bottles down to one side, instead of immediately going back out to the hall, I leaned against the wall and sighed.
This is strange. I didn’t feel good. I frowned at the unfamiliar emotions rushing in. It wasn’t simply that it was unpleasant—I felt absolutely terrible. Various other negative emotions were mixed in as well.
Why? I don’t understand why Kwon Yujin working hard to win a gold medal and having a good time at an acquaintance’s wedding makes me feel so shabby. Why on earth am I feeling jealous?
I couldn’t understand myself for being hung up on things that had nothing to do with me.
I wasn’t jealous of Kwon Yujin—I was jealous of the people around him. And going further than that, I even resented Kwon Yujin.
I had no right to feel these emotions toward him, but I couldn’t stop the negative emotions once they had grown.
I felt more frustrated and angry because I couldn’t understand myself feeling this way. Perhaps it was the influence of my continuous physical condition lately. There had been quite a lot of things happening. From Mom’s matter to the pheromone problem.
Dark emotions like these would quickly disappear after a little time passed. They had to.
***
After the hotel wedding ended, I was allowed to leave only after finishing the dishes and cleaning.
I gathered my things and came out of the hotel. The sky that had been bright had already grown dark. Even though it wasn’t difficult work, deep fatigue washed over me.
I headed toward the bus stop while retracing what had happened today. Then I eventually took out my phone and found Kwon Yujin’s number. In my other hand was the chocolate I had received from the hotel.
Wouldn’t it be okay to at least call him, both to say congratulations and to give him a gift? He might not have seen my text.
Right. Kwon Yujin must have received congratulatory texts from countless people besides me. Even the people who came to the wedding today wanted to talk to him. My text must have been just one of that countless noise, so there was a high possibility that Kwon Yujin had passed over it without being able to check it.
I came to that conclusion and pressed the call button. However, only the ringtone continued for a long time with no answer. I didn’t give up and called once more, but it was the same this time too.
I definitely saw Kwon Yujin carrying his phone earlier. Was he deliberately ignoring only my calls? When I thought that, it felt like someone was pressing down on one side of my chest with long fingernails.
The moment I was about to give up and put my phone back in my pocket, vibrations came up through my palm as if it were a lie. I quickly checked the screen. There, the three syllables “Kwon Yujin” were displayed.
“Kwon Yujin?”
—Hello, Hyun Taeyoung-ssi. This is Kim Jaewon, Chief Secretary of Yugang Group.
However, a completely different voice from what I expected flowed from the receiver.
“Ah, yes.”
I answered a beat late while turning my head. Why is the Chief Secretary answering instead of Kwon Yujin? When I saw him at the wedding hall earlier, he looked fine, so did something happen in the meantime?
After a brief silence, I continued speaking.
“What about Kwon Yujin? Where is he now?”
—I cannot tell you about the athlete’s personal schedule.
I called Kwon Yujin. But out of the blue, someone called the Chief Secretary called me back and says he can’t tell me his personal schedule. What does this mean?
Only then did I think about a possibility I had never once thought of until now.
“This… isn’t this Kwon Yujin’s number?”
—It is a number that manages the athlete’s schedule. It’s a kind of business line.
“Aah….”
Hearing the businesslike answer, I finally began to understand the entire situation.
The reason I had never once received a reply from Kwon Yujin. The reason he had never once answered my calls.
—What are you calling about?
Then does that mean this person had been checking all the texts and calls I sent during that time?
—If you tell me your business, I will convey it to the athlete later.
“Does the secretary-nim confirm everything that contacts this number?”
—That’s correct. The athlete is so busy with other schedules that I’ve been managing it.
“I see. I understand. I have no business.”
Having resolved my question, I immediately hung up. Then I roughly shoved my phone into my pocket.
For some reason, the thought that I wanted to hide somewhere right now surged strongly.
I was ashamed of myself for acting as if I was sharing something significant with Kwon Yujin through this one number. I felt so foolish for having firmly believed all this time that this was really Kwon Yujin’s number.
The congratulatory text I sent last time might not have reached Kwon Yujin after all. Since the Chief Secretary regarded me unfavorably, there was no reason to convey such trivial content.
The message I left in the voice mailbox must have also been checked by the Chief Secretary first before he conveyed the content to Kwon Yujin.
“…….”
I felt deflated. I newly realized just how far the distance between Kwon Yujin and me was.
Even though I hadn’t shown my bare face to anyone, heat rushed to my face and the inside of my throat shriveled up tightly.
What I understood the least was the sense of betrayal I felt toward him. I had no right to feel such emotions toward Kwon Yujin. We weren’t even close, and I had mistakenly thought on my own that we had some kind of special relationship.
Kwon Yujin had consistently disliked and pushed me away from the beginning. His coming to Sokcho to see me, eating meals together, watching a movie—all of it was out of necessity. He hates me and can’t forgive me, but because of the imprint, he needs me for now, so he has no choice but to….
So I was someone who could absolutely never be among those people who shared memories and laughed while looking at Kwon Yujin’s phone together.
In the end, before getting on the bus to go home, I couldn’t pass by a nearby convenience store and entered it recklessly.
After buying several bottles of soju, I sat at a plastic table placed outside. I faced toward the wall where people didn’t pass by, lowered my mask, and gulped down the alcohol hastily.
Right now, quelling this anxiety was more urgent than the fear of others’ gazes that usually felt like being pricked with needles. There was only one choice. Getting drunk.
Even as I gulped down alcohol repeatedly, the deflation and inexplicable sense of betrayal I felt didn’t easily subside.
I moved my gaze from staring at the bottle to the chocolate box placed on the table. The chocolate box that had looked luxurious until just a moment ago now looked shabby and unsightly.
It was endlessly trivial to give to Kwon Yujin, who had been surrounded by people dressed splendidly and eating expensive food. It had been given for free by the hotel in the first place anyway.
To think I was going to give something like this as a gift. Pathetic.
After drinking one or two glasses of alcohol, fortunately the depression gradually sank to a deep place. The more drunk I got, the more numb I became to the sensations I felt in daily life, and I was reborn as someone who wasn’t hurt by anything.
It was a state I liked. At the same time, I hated it terribly. Because it felt like admitting that Dad and I were alike.
But today I thought it didn’t matter either way. I wanted to get drunk faster and more.
It was the moment I picked up the bottle again like that.
“Ah.”
My body bumped into someone. From the recoil, I dropped the bottle I was holding, and soon the bottle fell to the ground and shattered into pieces.
“Argh, fuck, what the hell!”
At the same time, a person who was staggering past tripped over my leg and fell.
