# Side Story 5
(This is from Wimu’s perspective.)
A person who has two people to protect is excessively happy. It’s already a miracle when one person loves another, yet I have two people to protect. There was no reason not to be overwhelmingly happy with a life lived for them. To keep their smiles by my side for a long time, to engrave their wisdom in my heart, I did what needed to be done, standing firmly against the blowing wind. In the end, it’s because I want to. Because I love them so very much.
Occasionally, there were those who suspiciously wandered around the fortress. Usually spies from other countries, or those employed by nobles with something to hide. Though I don’t always follow them, today it was necessary. I had a rough idea of who might have sent someone with such an inconspicuous shadow. I followed him as he withdrew, preparing for any potential situation, and there was a small duel. Still, I let him go without killing him, so he’ll report the situation to his master, and Kadilen can handle the rest. It wasn’t a big problem.
But strangely, my body felt heavy. Though I had only been slightly cut on my left arm, my entire body was limp. It was largely due to overexertion from heightened surveillance over the past few days. On days like this, I could recover quickly with just a day of rest. Trying not to frown too much, I was walking through the darkness when someone suddenly appeared before me.
“Wimu!…It’s me, me…”
I withdrew the sword I had instinctively raised. While sighing from surprise, I also felt slightly amused. Ludin circled around me like a puppy, examining me with wide-open eyes. Though I was glad to see him, I was also concerned about him wandering around at such a late hour, so I grabbed him as he tilted his head and entered the building.
“It’s very late. I’ll take you to your room.”
“Are you sick?”
Ludin asked with a face that revealed all his worry, looking dejected. Though my arm was still throbbing and my legs felt like they were stuck to the ground with a thousand weights, seeing his expression made my tension ease. It felt like my sharp nerves were gently subsiding. Perhaps thinking my silence was an affirmation, Ludin reached out with an even more concerned expression.
“Ouch.”
“You’re injured here. What happened today?”
He carefully lifted my torn sleeve and examined the depth of the wound. Having often helped in the infirmary following Rio, his touch in handling wounds was quite delicate.
“It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
I reassured him first. Ludin had worried too much already. He now had the right to live comfortably without concerning himself with anything. And in reality, it wasn’t a big deal either.
“Then I’ll just worry about you.”
Ludin smiled brightly. Looking at that unfair smile, I was led to his room as if enchanted.
* * *
“If you apply this, it will get better.”
What he brought was a small ointment. His hands, which were small but warm, cleaned the blood and applied the thick liquid. When I suddenly came to my senses, Ludin and I were alone, and he was sitting on the bed, nursing me from a distance where I could feel his breath. Despite the distance I had consciously maintained all along, he once again naively demolished the flimsy wall I had built.
“What? I haven’t finished applying it yet.”
Ludin looked bewildered as I awkwardly retreated.
“This is enough.”
Trying to maintain a kind voice, I hurriedly covered my scattered sleeve. The wound, not fully treated, stung like my heart. Wounds I thought had completely healed reclaim their old pain just when they’re about to be forgotten. Like a wind thought to have flown far away but always returns, my feelings for Ludin continued to blow relentlessly. Being well-versed in soothing and hiding those feelings, I needed to keep my distance so I could do so today as well.
“You look tired.”
“I’m fine.”
Rejecting you as you approach so close.
“Then do you want to go rest?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
I turn away as if escaping. Hoping you won’t find my hastily retreating back strange.
Though the day had long since set, it seemed to continue setting, and I was soaked through even though it wasn’t raining. It was a poor monsoon season that had repeated countless times since meeting Ludin. Blaming and blaming my heart that wavered so much at those momentary glances and touches, I forced my feet to move, feet that wouldn’t detach from the ground. I had detached my heart, so why was it so difficult to take a single step? After barely moving away, consoling and scolding myself, I turned back to look at your door, which had shrunk to the size of a fist. The door didn’t open, and I stood there for a long time, not even knowing what I was waiting for.
* * *
Today’s training was intense. I knew it too. Given yesterday’s poor condition, perhaps I should have reduced the intensity. But incessant distractions confused my mind, and emotions raced out of control. Despite countless practice sessions and cuts to avoid showing a disheveled appearance, Kadilen immediately noticed my tangled heart.
“A troubled mind is sometimes like a traveler.”
He spoke softly without taking his eyes off the document as he sat quietly turning pages. My face, standing guard nearby, dimmed slightly. I felt both embarrassed and apologetic for being caught with something I didn’t want revealed. Kadilen seemed to read silently for a moment, then continued like a quiet stream.
“If you try to hold it, it runs away, and if you let it flow, it knocks on the door.”
The sound of him gripping the paper was faintly heard. A chamberlain who had been observing my complexion met my gaze and then lowered his head as if nothing was amiss. The sun, appearing late in the afternoon, gently settled outside the window, emitting a faint light.
“So just treat it well. So it can leave that village forever.”
Kadilen briefly raised his face to look into my eyes. For a few seconds, silence flowed, and the sound of my heart pounding seemed to shake the entire room.
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
Even as I answered, my gaze was dull. Treat a troubled mind well? Do you say this knowing what kind of heart it is? He absolutely must not know. Not only him, but Ludin too, and no one else in the world should know anymore about that weak and cowardly heart.
The sun that had illuminated the earth coldly hid itself again, and the world quickly lost its light like dark smoke.
* * *
The reason it’s difficult to love someone you can’t have is not because you can’t make that person yours forever. It’s because you have to suppress this boiling emotion and live your daily life while hiding it. Because you must endure a long and arduous time in silence until those emotions completely dry up. A heart with nowhere to reach bursts in all directions, and it takes a long time just to pick up the fragments. So ordinary daily life becomes entirely chaotic.
“Where are you going?”
Whenever Ludin appeared at random times, unlike my heart that automatically responded, my body hurriedly fled to a corner of the corridor.
“…”
He looked at me, who had obviously run away, with a somewhat incredulous expression. From the beginning, this was the corridor where his room was located, and I should have fully anticipated encountering him. Yet I should have chosen a different path even if it meant going twice the distance.
“What’s this? Am I that scary?”
“…Yes, scary.”
I approached him without relaxing my tension. I couldn’t trust myself.
“With your clothes disheveled like that.”
“Ah. Rio said he saw you, so I rushed out…”
My hand, which had stretched out to lift his nightclothes that had fallen to his shoulders, stopped midair. My hand, dropped with an awkward smile, waved emptily. While Ludin returned to a neat appearance, I thoroughly controlled my gaze. Even just looking at him had become cautious now.
“Why did you rush out like that?”
“Because you’ve been strange lately.”
He immediately brought his face right up to mine. As if he wouldn’t miss even my smallest signal.
“Nothing’s wrong, right?”
“No. Don’t worry.”
I tried to avoid the situation with a dismissive laugh. Ludin observed me for a while with suspicious and simultaneously worried eyes, then said with a deep sigh.
“You don’t talk about things like that well. I could help.”
Watching his disheartened hair shake lightly, suddenly, sincerity broke through my lips.
“You can’t help.”
“Why?”
To his innocent question, I chose my words carefully, like tiptoeing through a minefield. The more I spoke, the easier it would be for my enormous feelings to be discovered. In the end, the answer I gave wasn’t one that would satisfy him.
“Because I have to solve it myself.”
“…”
Ludin silently pondered something. There was no need for him to use his brain and make efforts for this situation, so I also pondered words to salvage the sincerity that had slipped out. But Ludin, with the smile I loved most, made all my strategies futile.
“Then I’ll be by your side until you solve everything. Don’t forget about me.”
He gently brushed my gaze. A forgotten fact once again pressed on my heart. Before Ludin, any blade I possessed felt powerless. I still felt like a warrior surrendering to him. While that happy powerlessness dominated my entire body, Ludin brightly added:
“And when everything’s okay again, I’ll give you a present as a celebration.”
“What will you give me?”
“That’s a secret.”
His smile, which seemed affectionate, was both mature and like an innocent child.
“Curious? Then solve it quickly and come back.”
I looked slowly at his smile, at those calm corners of his lips. Thinking that it might take a very long time to receive that gift.
But it didn’t matter. Even if it was a difficult feeling that kept coming without rest, because he was waiting for me. Ludin smiled even more brightly, like someone who knew everything, yet also like someone who knew nothing. Truly, I might never be able to receive that gift.
