# Chapter 42
Rio awkwardly bowed. A king kneeling before a child, and a child bowing so deeply in return that he might break. Finding the situation amusing, Kadilen burst into laughter. His gentle voice reassuring Rio that it was alright echoed softly through the corridor. Encouraged, Rio raised his head slightly. Kadilen’s eyes, filled with affection, weren’t those of a king, but of a warm adult gazing at a precious life. Reassured, Rio looked toward me with a bright face.
Kadilen curiously followed Rio’s gaze. His eyes, still maintaining their warmth, turned toward me standing awkwardly. During the momentary silence that followed, Kadilen’s relaxed expression gradually hardened with an indecipherable emotion. Rio shuffled toward me nervously.
“I’m sorry for running.”
“Are you hurt badly?”
I bent my knees to check Rio’s wounds, just as Kadilen had done. Though it was only a small scratch, my heart ached with sympathy. Rio was a child who never cried. Since hearing the rabbit story, I’d kept Rio by my side, and there were a few things I could be certain about him. Even with injuries like this, he wouldn’t burst into loud tears like other children might. Instead, he’d jump up, hurry over to me, and quickly apologize. At times like these, it felt like Rio had grown up too much.
“It’s okay to run. Just be careful.”
“Yes!”
Kadilen had already stood up and was watching Rio and me. I could see him hesitating, unsure whether to approach me or not. Wind rattled the corridor’s windows as it passed. Feeling the rising chill, I adjusted Rio’s clothes and instructed him to go to Jiman for treatment. Rio cheerfully nodded and disappeared.
Then only he and I remained in the corridor. Recalling my last encounter with Kadilen, I had much I wanted to ask, but no question could truly satisfy my curiosity. Two gazes silently traveled back and forth across the corridor. Kadilen was the first to speak.
“He’s a mature child. You seem close…”
“He works under Jiman, Your Majesty.”
Despite asking the question, he seemed uninterested in the answer, staring intently at me. After hesitating, Kadilen approached me with slow steps. With each step, as his presence grew, I had to forcefully suppress an overwhelming urge to turn and run away. Too much had happened, and all of it stood between Kadilen and me like fortress walls. Like mountains piled so high I could barely see Kadilen properly. I looked at him, struggling to see beyond them.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Thanks to Your Majesty.”
He knew I wasn’t grateful. Kadilen raised his hand as if to grab my arm, then let it fall limply. That same hand had grabbed Rio’s shoulder without hesitation when he fell. Instead of falling on expensive marble floors, Rio could have been exploited in a labor camp without parents, brutally falling onto dirt. No matter how much I denied it, the fact that I could meet that child who was like a blessing was due to Kadilen’s right choices. I clenched my fist. A hot lump caught firmly in my throat wouldn’t go down despite swallowing several times.
“Your Majesty is truly consistent.”
Kadilen gazed at me intently as if asking what I meant. Words burst out unbidden, tumbling forth without order.
“You’re merciful to the weak and always extend your hand without prejudice. You willingly lower yourself to watch over the lowly and always identify the right path. That’s why I liked you.”
Kadilen’s eyes trembled endlessly. He unconsciously moved closer to me. One more step and we would be close enough for our bodies to touch.
“I wanted to say such things…”
My head drooped. Feeling strange, I gritted my teeth. Kadilen would probably feel all the emotions I was feeling. He could fully sense that I was barely holding on, unable to control the surging emotions. Something inexpressible was being conveyed to him without any effort. But knowing that what would return wouldn’t be understanding made everything even more miserable.
“I wanted to tell you insignificant stories. If we met, I had so many questions. And I thought I would definitely fight for you.”
“I…”
Kadilen stammered, visibly flustered. His eyes and hands lost their direction, wavering emptily. His face looked unfamiliar, with an expression that seemed ready to grab me forcefully and ask something, his gaze pouring toward me.
Just before he became king, I was trapped in a wooden box, thinking about all the things I wanted to tell him. It was night, and if I waited just a little longer, I could witness the turning point in the life of someone I desperately wanted to save. Foolishly, I wished for something else while facing my desired outcome. I wished to quietly share meaningless conversations with Kadilen in a peaceful temple, laughing innocently. Selfishly, I hoped I could find happiness that way, even if his fate remained unchanged.
A wry laugh escaped me. It was a stupid thought. Recognizing my foolishness yet again, I tried to leave. But this time, Kadilen didn’t hesitate to grab my arm as I turned away. A cool hand wrapped around my arm, gently turning me around. Kadilen’s composure in all situations stemmed from his firm resolve, hardened through countless years of endurance. But now his eyes had crumbled so weakly that even I could read them.
“I’ve made many mistakes. But now I realize my greatest mistake was…”
Kadilen’s eyes trembled helplessly as he desperately examined me.
“You, Ludin.”
My breath stopped. No thoughts came to mind. I just blankly followed his crumbled gaze directed at me. The person who was clearer than anyone else. But to me, always harsh, cold, and confusing. Someone who, even after reaching the highest position, would still unhesitatingly lower himself for a young child. Simultaneously, someone who endlessly excavated my sincerity and aggravated my wounds.
And now, someone calling me a mistake with such yearning eyes.
Which was the real Kadilen? Where had I lost sight of him?
“…The same goes for me.”
Obvious pain rose in his eyes. It was strange and surprising that this emotion was created by me.
“My mistake is also you, Kadilen.”
I finally shook off his hand. Right now, whatever words I spoke would only leave regret in the next moment. I turned around hurriedly, faced with something enormous that I couldn’t handle. I walked away haphazardly, trying to get as far from him as possible. Kadilen didn’t follow. Still, I staggered away in fear of being grabbed by the nape.
Something had changed. I no longer knew how to face Kadilen. There was a time when his hateful glances hurt more than anything. But now, receiving the exact opposite kind of gaze, I couldn’t tell what was more frightening. Had it ever been this difficult to be honest with myself? I immediately searched for Rio. My child, who would cleanse my pain and purify deep, dirty wounds with a clean heart. When I hurriedly opened the door and entered the room, I saw Jiman.
“Ludin?”
“Where’s Rio? Rio…”
He approached me in surprise. Even after frantically looking around, the child was nowhere to be seen. Eventually, Jiman supported my collapsing body and habitually helped regulate my breathing.
“Take a deep breath. It’s alright now, Ludin.”
While I was still catching my breath, Rio entered through the door. The small child wobbling in with a box larger than himself was my most solid pillar. I frantically rushed to him, helped him put down the box, and leaned against him as if about to collapse.
“Are you feeling unwell? I just saw them putting up large decorations in the banquet hall. We should go see together. People on ladders…”
Rio patted my shoulder with his small hand while chattering away. I entrusted my entire heart to his trivial stories. As the storm subsided, light returned to its place following Rio’s voice. Following my overturned heart, the child innocently rolled around, reassuring everything. Jiman watched Rio and me with eyes mixed with complex emotions and relief.
That brief moment when meeting Kadilen and having my confused heart calmed by Rio’s soft voice didn’t last long. Even stranger days followed. What I had convinced myself was a one-time coincidence fell deeper into a labyrinth with Kadilen’s endless appearances.
Truly endless appearances. After that day, Kadilen visited my room as regularly as eating meals.
* * *
“His Majesty has arrived.”
“…Again?”
Unlike my puzzled expression, Jiman’s face held a new emotion that was neither embarrassment nor disapproval. Behind him, as the door opened, Kadilen’s anxious face appeared through the narrow gap.
“Just let him in.”
Rio, who had been sitting by my bedside chatting, scurried out to greet him. Due to frequent visits, it was Rio, not me, who had built a rapport with him. I couldn’t show any reaction to Kadilen, who would suddenly appear, lay out incomprehensible stories, and awkwardly disappear. But unlike me, who just stood stiffly, Rio actively responded and always listened attentively to Kadilen’s words. Kadilen, too, always welcomed the child with smiles and warmth. The two had already developed another relationship with me in between. It was an extremely awkward situation for me.
“You’re here?”
“Yes. Did you receive the snacks?”
Rio pulled out a snack pouch from his pocket and shook it. The air instantly relaxed with his bright smile. Kadilen, who had been smiling joyfully, saw me and approached again with a stiff expression, moving awkwardly.
“What brings you here this time?”
This was the result of his excessively frequent visits. Now I could casually ask a question during conversations with him that had once been so emotional that even speaking a word was difficult. And I could also sufficiently predict the following answer. At first, it was an answer so out of place that I couldn’t even manage my expression, and even Jiman and Rio around me found it absurd.
“I spilled water on some documents yesterday…”
“The servants must have had a hard time.”
Kadilen nodded. And into the ensuing silence came Rio’s innocent question.
“What kind of documents were they?”
“They were so important that…”
The two slowly began to converse. In truth, it was always like this. Kadilen would always bring inexplicable stories and drop them abruptly, and while I was bewildered, Rio would sincerely ask about the next story. In these continuing conversations, I always watched the two as an audience. Kadilen was someone who knew how to talk skillfully with children. Thanks to his detailed and kind explanations to even the smallest questions, Rio increasingly relaxed and comfortably asked questions.
While chatting with Rio, Kadilen occasionally glanced at me. It seemed like he was checking my mood or contemplating what to say next. But my feelings were always the same.
Bewilderment followed by more bewilderment. I couldn’t understand what he wanted to do. The most convincing hypothesis I had was that he might be trying to experiment whether the bead he put in was functioning properly. Since there was no other way to find out except by observing me directly. If that was true, he would have already read all my true feelings after a few visits and realized the truth about Luan’s survival. There was no reason for this to continue so long.
Finally, unable to bear it any longer, I coldly interrupted their conversation and deliberately questioned Kadilen. It was a question I had been restraining myself from asking, trying to figure it out on my own. Part of the reason I couldn’t bring it up directly was because I didn’t trust Kadilen.
“Is there a reason you keep visiting like this?”
“That’s…”
He trailed off. I stared persistently at Kadilen’s face. To determine whether it was sincere or not when he answered. Kadilen’s face reddened under my tenacious gaze.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to talk about insignificant things…”
I rubbed my eyes. He really was blushing. And I, frozen in place, unable to understand his answer immediately, suddenly recalled our previous conversation in the corridor and became even more uncomfortably frozen.
‘I wanted to tell you insignificant stories. If we met, I had so many questions.’
Is that really all it was?
