# Chapter 41
The child began speaking cautiously with his not-yet-matured voice. It was a story about a tiny rabbit that Rio had raised outside the palace when he was even smaller than he is now. This whimsical rabbit story gradually seeped into my ears, mixed with chilling auditory hallucinations. In the darkness, I clung to the child’s story like a single ray of light.
How beautiful the animal was, how much Rio loved that rabbit. It was a cute story, but insufficient to calm my trembling body. Still trying to regulate my rapid breathing, I barely managed to catch the child’s voice several times. Now Rio was telling the story of how one day he went for a walk with the rabbit at night and discovered a hole.
“So we both fell into the hole together.”
I, who had been listening absentmindedly, stared blankly at Rio in surprise. My eyes widened at the unexpected turn, but the child just smiled brightly. Noticing that my attention was focused on him, Rio continued his story with a bright smile.
“At first, I went in to save the rabbit, but it was too deep, and I couldn’t get out again.”
I imagined Rio and the rabbit trapped at the bottom of a deep hole. It was terrible to think of those two fragile living beings placed in such a helpless situation. But Rio’s voice continued, excited and clear like a child who had received a gift. I found myself naturally listening to the rest of the story.
“When night fell, the inside of the hole became really scary, Ludin-nim. Just like now, I couldn’t see anything, so I lost the rabbit too.”
Unconsciously, I grabbed him protectively. Rio relaxed his body as I pulled him in and moved closer. The child’s description was too vivid to hear in this darkness. I could understand how desperate Rio must have felt while waiting for people to come rescue him from that hole. With nothing visible in sight, the child naturally imagined terrifying monsters hiding in the hole, holding their breath. Just as I had.
“Did someone come to rescue you?”
“No one.”
By now, my once uncontrollably racing breaths were gradually finding their rhythm again. I mistook our current location for being inside the hole Rio had fallen into, rather than a room in the palace. Having someone to protect brought me back to my senses naturally. I could picture the rabbit wandering somewhere, then burrowing back into Rio’s small embrace.
“But then morning came.”
Rio’s clear voice announced the end of the story. That child had greeted the morning trembling with fear in the hole. Like me, curling his body up into a ball, trying to hold his breath as much as possible to escape from all kinds of monsters roaring in the darkness. Like that, not even knowing the sun was rising, forgetting the rabbit he had been chasing, just keeping his face buried in his knees.
But when the warm rays of the morning sun soaked the entire hole, what appeared before Rio’s eyes wasn’t the frightening monster he had imagined. Inside the forest hole, which could have been there for who knows how long, numerous plant seeds had already been carried by the wind and taken root, and at the edges, beautiful flowers he had never seen before were blooming. The morning dew on the blades of grass reflected the morning sunlight, sparkling blindingly, and the rabbit, which had been grazing all night, was sleeping on soft moss with a full belly.
“It was lying there! It looked so happy!”
With an excited voice, Rio described the morning scene inside the hole. Though his story wasn’t neatly organized, I could tell it had been a shockingly beautiful landscape. Rio said that once he realized he had been trapped in such a place all along, his fear completely disappeared. He spent the rest of the time playing with the rabbit while waiting for people, and said he had a happy time until someone finally found them and brought them back to their safe home.
“So now I’m brave even at night!”
Rio’s eyes shone brightly. After finishing his declaration with pure enthusiasm, the child removed his small hand from mine and demonstratively waved his arms through the darkness. He urged me to try it too. I hesitated, then followed Rio’s lead, awkwardly spreading my arms. Though I got goosebumps, feeling like something might pounce on me at any moment, I moved my hands slowly. The child said confidently:
“Actually, everything is still here. The chair is over there, and the bed is over there. I know. When morning comes, we’ll see.”
Rio was right. I knew it too. Just because light had disappeared from this place didn’t mean that something terrifying had newly emerged. I knew the structure and appearance of this room exactly. When I first saw it, I had even revered Ludin’s life for its splendor and beauty. If the room was like that, and nothing changed in the darkness, then I too had nothing to fear.
“You’re right…”
I thought of the hole where Rio and the rabbit had sat. I thought of the natural scenery and soft grass blades that would have filled that place both day and night. I overlaid that place with this room.
“Are you scared, Ludin-nim?”
I reached out my hand with a bit more confidence. I could feel the warm heat from Rio. I held the child’s shoulder, then slowly stroked his head. His tousled hair pleasantly slipped through my fingers.
“No. I’m not scared anymore. Thank you, Rio.”
“Ludin?”
The door opened a bit wider as someone called my name. I turned to see who it was, leaving behind Rio’s proud expression. Rio, who had been happily receiving my pats with the face of a child being praised, ran out like a bullet.
“Jiman-nim! Ludin-nim was looking for you.”
Finding me sitting on the floor, Jiman turned pale and lit a lamp. While he filled the entire room with yellow light from the oil he had brought, I got up and dusted off my pants. Jiman moved so quickly that the room was filled with light in an instant.
“Your complexion is a bit pale. Should I bring something to warm you?”
“No. I’m fine now.”
Smiling, I glanced at Rio, who was squirming, trying to suppress what he wanted to say. I explained the situation to Jiman on his behalf. After hearing the whole story, Jiman turned to Rio with a surprised expression. I could hear him asking this and that while dazedly handing a small candy to the child who was waiting for praise. I lay down to sleep with a peaceful mind for the first time in a very long while.
If asked whether I was now completely unafraid, that wasn’t the case. Fear that had settled like a scar couldn’t disappear in an instant. But at least now I realized what I should recall to dispel that fear. If there was truly nothing threatening me now, what I needed to do in that darkness was not to recall past painful wounds but to remember the beautiful space that was only temporarily concealed by the darkness in this moment.
Tonight, I had a feeling that a rabbit might appear in my dreams.
* * *
Rio and I became close rapidly. Even Jiman, who had always called him a troublemaker, decided to keep Rio by my side after that day. I secretly thought the child resembled Jiman exactly. Jiman was someone who brightened the atmosphere with childlike innocence in ordinary times, yet was more serious than anyone when it came to work. Perhaps because he had learned from him, Rio, despite his clumsy and awkward appearance, had a natural talent for comforting people’s wounds.
Only Rio had managed to subdue the chaos that seemed endless. One innocent child, unrelated to all these events, had turned me back from the brink of madness. Just by chattering away, Rio could suppress my many pains and worries. I loved the moments when his stories gently covered over my wounds. Although Jiman was my attending physician, he was responsible for most of the work in the royal infirmary as its head. Now he could trust Rio and leave my side. Because he knew I had regained my smile while being with the child.
“Rio, look at this.”
The child laughed brightly. Like anyone else, I didn’t hesitate to act foolishly for the child, for the sake of that moment when his laughter echoed. And that very moment was when I could smile.
It was surprising, considering my current situation. Rio and I often walked outside the palace. I left my bed to appreciate the scenery and to appreciate the child. Sometimes Rio would whine like a typical child, and the more comfortable he felt with me, the more frequent his tantrums became, but I was rather grateful for it. Since there wasn’t much I could do for Rio, I wanted to do everything he asked of me.
I was curious about the child. Even when I asked how he came to be at the palace, he didn’t know much. He just said that one day he suddenly started working here and couldn’t see his parents. So when the opportunity arose, I asked Jiman what I had been wondering about.
“Who brought Rio here?”
Jiman looked a bit embarrassed. I guessed something had happened to the child’s parents. My guess was correct. His parents were people who had been captured by Zendal and lived as slaves. The grueling labor led to accidents, and it was Kadilen who had established a facility to protect the orphaned children. Some children were selected from that facility to work at the palace, and Rio had caught Jiman’s eye and came here, he said.
“Then the one who brought that child was…”
I didn’t finish the sentence, but both Jiman and I knew what would follow. It couldn’t help but be a contradiction. For me, who had rolled into the swamp without hesitation to save Kadilen, the only consolation had become a child saved by Kadilen’s good deed.
After hearing that story, I had to make a great effort not to overlap Rio with Kadilen. I tried to shake off the thought that what Rio gave me had originated from Kadilen’s hands. The only thing I could be certain he had given me was the crystal, and as in the past, its purpose was likely to distinguish my lies.
Of course, Jiman believed in it completely. Rather, he found it strange that I didn’t immediately shout to remove the crystal and worried that such an incident might occur someday. But I was just waiting for the time. The day when Kadilen’s exact intentions would surface. And when that time came, I intended to take out the three crystals hidden in this body with my own hands and return them to Kadilen.
Though quite some time had passed since I had seen him, I knew that wandering around the palace with Rio would eventually lead to an encounter with Kadilen. And when that moment came, contrary to my expectations, I just stood there, staring at him in a daze.
Rio had gotten lost, and had run ahead to find the right corridor. Then he slipped on the slippery marble floor and fell, and I ran toward the child. But there was someone who approached Rio faster than me. I stood frozen in place, just looking at him.
The corners of his mouth curving kindly, his careful touch at every moment, willingly dirtying his knees to match the child’s eye level, and his affectionate gaze repeatedly checking Rio’s wounds. Kadilen had always been weak toward the vulnerable.
And the moment of seeing the side of him that I had loved was several times more miserable than when I had hated him.
