With the news that Cheon Jaekyung was grinding his teeth at me, I couldn’t even dream of going outside for the time being. These days, my only pleasure was drinking tea while endlessly gazing at the scenery outside. Was it because I’d been lying in bed for a while? When I placed a rocking chair in front of the large glass window, sipping tea that was supposedly good for mental stability while watching the scenery, time passed so well I couldn’t believe it. I thought about making desserts too, but gave up on that because it was too bothersome. The city harmonizing with nature, the flowing clouds, the warm sunlight, and so on. When I gazed absentmindedly at all those things, it would be time for Lee Hyeonseok to arrive.
Was it because I did absolutely nothing, or because my daily routine was a single pattern? Lately, there were many times when I couldn’t properly remember what I was doing.
“Should I try chamomile today…?”
As I was about to leave the room to make tea, my legs suddenly lost strength and I ended up collapsing. Before falling completely, I flailed around unconsciously and pushed something cold away with the back of my hand. My sixth sense was screaming that I’d caused trouble after a while. After the thud, I heard a crash.
“!”
When the crashing sound of a large flower pot breaking cleanly rang in my ears, my mind—which had run away because I’d been listlessly spending my days without energy lately—returned for the first time in a while. It was understandable, since it was a showpiece flower pot that looked incredibly expensive at first glance.
“This… exactly how much was it…?”
Without even having time to check if my body was hurt, all my attention poured onto the broken flower pot. The pot couldn’t withstand the shock of falling and shattered completely. Because of that, the sight of flowers and soil spilling out was truly miserable. I didn’t know the name of the flower since I had no interest in them, but I knew that Auntie had been carefully cultivating it.
Rather than the flowers, I had the materialistic and selfish thought of wondering how much the pot cost. Guilt washed over me since it could be a gift someone had given or a precious item, but self-loathing came first at the realistic thought of whether this was an amount I could actually pay back if they asked me to compensate for it.
“…I don’t even know if I can properly earn money, and now an accident too… Really, one thing after another.”
I muttered with a self-deprecating smile at my patheticness. I wondered when I had become this negative, but more pressing than that was the fact that I’d broken someone else’s precious item. As I was pondering how to handle the situation, the door opened with a knock. The ones who entered were the guards who had been newly replaced not long ago.
“What happened… Are you alright?”
“Ah…”
The guards who had been replaced a few days ago, whatever education they had received, were businesslike to put it nicely and machine-like to put it badly. Either way, since we were in the same house, I tried talking to them a few times thinking I’d try to act friendly, but they acted stiffly as if talking to me would be a disaster.
Perhaps hearing the sound of breaking glass from outside, they rushed in and looked at the broken pot pieces, spilled flowers and soil, then seeing me standing nearby, they were startled and ran over to pull me back.
“Are you injured anywhere?”
“No. I’m not. Um, I’m really sorry.”
“Not at all. It’s dangerous, so please step back. We’ll clean it up.”
While asking if I was okay, the guards’ eyes moved busily as if trying to confirm I wasn’t hurt. I quickly apologized, but they shook their heads and only tried to clean up my accident.
“No! Since I broke it, I’ll clean it up.”
“It’s really fine.”
“…Yes, I’m sorry.”
As if causing an accident wasn’t enough, having others handle the cleanup too made me feel like a truly useless person, so I hurriedly tried to stop them, but the guards were so firm it was embarrassing. If we’d been on terms where we could converse comfortably, I would have insisted more on my position, but with them I didn’t even exchange morning greetings—we were in an awkward relationship to the extreme. Moreover, it had been so long since I’d dealt with anyone other than Lee Hyeonseok that I didn’t know what to do and eventually answered in a crawling voice before leaving the room. My absence would probably be helpful.
“……”
Coming out to the living room, I needlessly rubbed the back of my neck, ruminating on my embarrassment. If I did something else, I’d feel conscious of the guards handling my mess, and if I did nothing, I’d feel conscious about that too. As I was desperately trying to find something to do, a guard came out of the room carrying an armful of flowers.
“!”
“I needed newspaper. The flowers need to be planted in a new pot too—we can’t just leave them in the room.”
“Ah, yes. I’ll look for some too.”
“It’s fine, please sit down.”
Surprised by the sudden appearance of a man with a large build and fierce impression carrying an armful of yellow flowers that didn’t match him at all, the guard explained as if making an excuse. Well, he came in and started cleaning without even knowing I’d broken the pot, so he must have needed supplies. I thought about whether I’d seen newspapers in this house and tried to help search, but the guard firmly refused this time too.
“No. Please let me help.”
I desperately held onto that firm refusal. When I appealed my opinion as strongly as the guard, he showed uncertainty for the first time, perhaps flustered.
“Th-then, I’ll ask for your help.”
“Yes!”
Permission finally fell from the guard. Though I knew from his reluctant voice that it was a grudging permission, I happily set out to find newspaper. Forgetting how I’d been awkward with their mechanical attitude until now, I arbitrarily felt friendliness toward that reluctant voice. As I rummaged through the living room, I belatedly wondered why I had to ask permission for every little thing, even finding newspaper, let alone cleaning up my own mess, but I’d already missed the timing to ask.
“I found it.”
“Ah, yes. That’s a relief.”
The guard who found the newspaper first reported to me. It meant I should stop looking. I answered in a deflated voice while scratching my cheek, then awkwardly sat on the living room sofa. Confirming that I’d sat on the sofa, the guard seemed relieved. It really seemed that me doing nothing was helping them.
“We’ll clean it up right away.”
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Not at all. Please sit.”
The guard, perhaps temporarily surprised by my sudden forcefulness and showing a human attitude, quickly returned to their usual cold and stiff manner. Unable to say anything more, I blankly looked at the flowers placed on the living room table. They were still flowers whose name I didn’t know, but they were pretty. As I sat on the sofa appreciating the flowers, the guard went back into the room to finish cleaning up the pot.
“……”
What would happen to these flowers? Would they be thrown in the trash even though they hadn’t wilted, because of my mistake? All because of me? I had lived quite well on my own. Of course it wasn’t perfect and I had many shortcomings, but I felt like I’d properly lived as a member of society—so how did I become this incompetent?
Just like the flowers that were heading to the trash because of my mistake when they were just there, should I also have to live in hiding just because I’m an Omega when I was just existing?
“Mm…”
Knowing my thoughts were going too far but unable to stop the negative thinking, I finally reached the point of identifying the flowers with my own fate. Being thrown in the trash felt exactly like I was being cast out from society. In reality, if I just said not to throw away the flowers and to plant them in a new pot, it would be solved. Since they weren’t damaged or anything, the guards would likely do that too, but I arbitrarily decided the flowers’ final destination was the trash and glanced at the room where the guards had entered. Through the half-closed door gap, I could see them cleaning up the broken pot and soil.
The place my gaze naturally went to next was toward the front door. Since the guards who usually stood in front of the entrance were inside the room, it was natural that no one was there.
—Meerkats are standing on their two legs keeping watch. This behavior earned them the nickname ‘sentinels of the desert.’
First, I turned on the television. Since I usually watch documentaries, the channel was already set to one, so a documentary program came on. I deliberately turned up the volume. The scene of about thirty meerkats keeping watch and the narration sound echoed through the living room. Perhaps it flowed into the room too, as the guard looking toward me was faintly reflected on the television screen. He seemed to only be checking what I was doing, as he immediately turned his head and focused on cleaning again.
Before they finished cleaning the room, I picked up the yellow flowers whose name I didn’t know from the table and silently stood up. Perhaps because I usually listened well and acted without thoughts of going out, the guards concentrated on cleaning without showing any sign of minding me. Even so, I couldn’t even breathe properly and moved cautiously.
This was because I remembered Lee Hyeonseok saying in passing a few days ago that the rooftop was under landscaping construction and he’d show it to me when it was completed. I wanted to plant them in the garden rather than the trash or a new pot. I couldn’t know how much Lee Hyeonseok would later scold me or the guards, but I could guess that it wouldn’t just pass. Even so, my feet didn’t stop.
It was a feeling I could only explain as impulse.
My heart pounded painfully from the tension of possibly being caught by the guards. I felt like my heart might jump out through my throat. I broke out in cold sweat, but I successfully managed to grasp the front door handle. I hoped that small noises like opening the door would be well covered by the television sound.
Gripping the door handle painfully tight, when I pressed the button that said ‘open,’ a cheerful and clear melody flowed out. My ceaselessly beating heart stopped at once at that melody note. I could feel my body turning cold. Worried sick about whether they heard it, I turned my head back, but there was no sign of anyone coming out.
It was frustrating and absurd that just going outside turned my genre into a thriller, but I also didn’t have the guts to go out boldly. So I opened the front door carefully and slowly, as if doing delicate work, yet swiftly.
